Tetra

I have to talk to someone. I have been sober since February 2007. Recently I have started drinking again. Last night I had several glasses of wine, forgetting that I was supposed to meet my mum today. The second she saw me she knew what was up even though I denied everything. Now I'm terrified and I'm back in the darkest period of my life of drinking and lying. My family tell me most days that if I started drinking again it would break my father's heart. I'm so afraid and don't know what to do. Thanks for reading.

Dee74

Hi tetra
Welcome to SR

You'll find a lot of support here

what did you do when you quit the first time?
Have you tried any recovery groups like AA or SMART? any counselling?

D

topspin

Hi Tetra,

I can really relate to" drinking and lying" . And being terrified.

Seem to go together every time for me.

With your experience since 2007, I was thinking about the same thing as what Dee asked;

What did you do to quit the first time ?


Welcome to SR !!!!!!,
...for me, this site has been the biggest help ever the last couple of months

hang around , .....and keep posting ,


Grateful in Carolina



.

lillyrose

I'm no expert, because I'm so new to sobriety. But don't beat yourself up too much. I mean you need to get back on that sobriety train. But just because you got off too early, doesn't mean you can't walk to the next stop and catch up to the train. Beating yourself up about it is probably the worst thing you could do. I hate counting in days etc (maybe coz I have OCD) but I feel so much of a failure the longer I go without drinking before I slip up. The pressure of how bad I'll feel if I fail after my longest period of sobriety is a trigger to drink for me. I start my sober life, I can't count in days, I just notice the changes in myself and my life, do what I need to do to stay sober. But I find if you've gone 15 days and relapse, if I count from day 1 again, I lose more hope. I'm on a sobriety journey, not measured by days but measured by hope that one day I will be free of this alcohol addiction

Best wishes
Lily

Tetra

Thanks for reading, I feel a lot less alone.

I went to AA meetings and my counsellor helped a lot as well. I went to him for about 2 and a half years. Then he said I didn't need to see him on a weekly basis anymore, but I could call him anytime if I wanted to talk.
What also kept me away from the bottle was seeing my dad cry at family day at my day rehab centre. I've only seen him cry three times ever and two of those were at his parents funerals. Having my brother stand up and tell everyone how selfish I had become, and give examples, also stayed in my mind. Also when he went into detail about how many bottles everyone had found, I wanted to die right then and there.

I kept busy after that with travelling for pleasure and work on my postgraduate diploma, also yoga, which helped a lot, and cookery lessons.
Now I'm living alone and the evenings and nights are so long. Most of my friends are busy with their own lives so I spend some evenings on my own.
I'm not sure what else to say except thanks for reading.
I'm so glad I found this site, I've stopped crying now.
Thanks everyone.

MrBBB

I also quit drinking in February 2007, what drove you to want to pick up again? I do still think about it quite a bit since drinking took up almost 20 years of my life. I guess I have to continue to keep my guard up!

Tetra

I don't know what to say except boredom and loneliness. I have no explanation.

pongo

Welcome, Tetra, I'm new here too, although I'm further along in my recovery. I have long-term sobriety and utter joy in it. I have heard many times alcoholics say that they drink out of boredom, which imo is very sad to consider. There are so VERY many options out there to save a person from boredom, I can't even begin to list them. The strange and fascinating things people are into and the ways they pursue them are endless.

Over the last two years I've taught myself how to spin woolen fibers with a drop spindle. An archaic skill, almost as old as fermented beverages. Yes, it's related to my occupation; in terms of weirdness it's right up there. Surely there is something you would like to try doing instead of drinking.

Perhaps boredom means depression?

A person can be lonely in a crowd and perfectly content spending long periods alone. I love to be alone. (Maybe I'm introverted, maybe I'm self-centered.) It must be a personality thing, but again I wonder if the alcohol is causing you to suffer loneliness. What opportunities for personal connections would arise if you weren't drinking?

You as a person, your happiness, success and satisfaction in life are worth getting back on the wagon for. Maybe your dad can be your higher power for now.

sunrise1

you are not alone any more... sneaking is perhaps the worst part of the disease to me. right now, working my program, reading my BB and calling my sponsor is what is keeping me from picking up.

Tetra

Good morning everybody.
Thanks for all of the replies.
Today will be difficult because on sometimes on Saturday I meet my dad and sister for coffee.
Yes, my drinking out of boredom is very sad, especially as I thought I was doing quite well. I feel very low now just thinking about this.
Maybe I am depressed also, it wouldn't surprise me.
I wasn't so lonely when my housemates were here, there was always someone to talk with. I think I'll return to AA meetings, I feel they would help.
I hope you all have a good day!

keithj

Tara,

I quote this frequently, because its the truth of my experience.
Happens all the time. People come to meeings, life gets better, then gets sale, and drinking makes sense again. Out of nowhere, find themselves drunk and back in that awful place.

Those who have gotten off that roller coaster so frequently seen in AA have one thing in common; a spiritual awakening as the result of the 12 Steps. That won't happen by going to meetings. It will happen by following the directions in the BB with a knowledgeable sponsor.

A complete transformation of life and the removal of the drink problem is what is promised.

CarolD

Welcome....

I'm glad you are returning to AA.....it remains a
fantastic experience in living for me....

sunrise1

I second what Carol has said... AA plus a sponsor is a great and solid experience for me.

Tetra

I haven't had a drink since Friday and I've been feeling quite good.
However I don't think things will ever be the same between myself and my mum. I feel so sad and alone right now. She rings me every day to ask if I've been on the bottle today. She wants to buy a breathalyzer and have me go over there every day to test me. I'm right back to where I was three years ago and I have no one to blame but myself.

HideorSeek

Well, Tetra, since you were sober for so long, you know the drill: We have lied to and manipulated our loved ones and to regain that trust takes awhile. Have a chat with your mum. Clearly you are not happy in this situation and having an honest dialogue can't hurt. My guess is that your mum is scared and that is why she is reacting this way. Tell her that you think that AA is a good option for yourself and then show her, by action, that you are serious. You have done this before, YOU CAN DO IT AGAIN!!!

artsoul

I think HideorSeek is right - it will take some time, but maybe not as much time as you think. I'm a parent, too, and I know we worry alot more about our kids than they do about themselves. They probably go through alot of the same feelings we do when we relapse, but with some more sobriety behind you, things will change for the better. Sending hugs.....

yeahgr8

Explain to your Mum that you know where you went wrong, you didnt do any work in AA and are going to now return work the steps to get your spiritual awkening which will change you and allow you to have a happy, sober and free life wherein you are sure that your relationships will flourish and she will be proud of you...tell her to watch and see and get on with getting a sponsor and doing the work...

Dont do any of this if you arent willing and ready though, with regard to telling Mum though as it will make things worse if you go back to AA and just sit in meetings again...good luck:-)

Chops

I didn't tell my mother squat, she had heard it all before. If she had a nickel for every one of my excuses she would be rich now. I stayed sober one day at a time and earned back all that was lost one day at a time.

I did not explain to her a thing, I just did it. Plus promises bring hope in our loved ones so if you do promise to stay sober, have a spiritual awakening, etc. please make sure you can back it up and follow through. Hope is beautiful but also a dangerous thing IMHO.

I learned that alcoholism is a disease but that I am still responsible, I think it is so admirable that you made this statement.

Tetra

It's after midnight here. I find the nights long and lonely and this is when I miss having a drink the most, to get through the night. I won't though, I've made herbal tea instead. I do not want to start lying and sneaking around again. I've bought a few books and dvds today to keep busy.

pongo

Congrats on your positive decisions! Herbal tea, films and books are a good idea. I am still troubled by your loneliness, however, I think it may be your greatest temptation. Do you have a plan to get back into AA meetings? I may have missed this, but is your father still living?