iloveme

I just wanna find a way so make this his fault.
For six months I remained determined, ambitious, faithful, and in denial.

As soon as no one was looking up to me I had no one to look down on anymore.

I feel ashamed, broken and alone.

This love is more my addiction than the bottle itself.

Letting go of this little secret security blankie only forces me to fess up.

I loved me sober, I don't know me drunk.

help here..... please.

I made a mtg and I was given alot of support, why do I feel so fragile still

Don't let me get me, P!NK:rotfxko

DayTrader

I know you were not trying to be funny but the title you chose for this tread made me chuckle. I remember that same exact though as it seemingly belted me across the face. One of my mentors calls that "working step 2 - you "came to" (as in, woke up) in that area of your life and realized that it's no longer making any sense."

Congrats BIG TIME on stepping up and doing something about it (ie. posting here, being honest with us and yourself and for finding a meeting and actually going). You're on your way and I can promise you it get soooooooo much better if you keep yourself in action. Stay engaged in your recovery, DO things that are conducive to getting well, don't sit back and wait for the magic wand to wave itself over you.

Recovery is such a great way of living it kinda makes all the misery seem worth-while now.... not that I want to go back and give it another try

rws177

I think that admitting you have a problem is the first step to getting better. There is a lot of support here much like at the meeting you went to. Good Luck!!

Norther

Alcohol pervasively poisons our sense of who we are. If you can get and stay sober, even for a relatively short time as I have, you will be amazed at how quickly you can heal. Best of luck.

iloveme

How do I say to myself, self you are broken and beyond repair?

How do I bring out the "just add alcohol girl" that everyone feels right at home with...

I don't like living "thinking all the time, consequenses, consequences, blah blah blah!

I am just being honest here. What next. Meetings forever? The minute I thought I am by no definition an alcoholic, I drank again.

Accepting that I don't want to accept it is the key.

O well, in my head is no place to be right now I guess....

CAPTAINZING2000

Denial isn't a river in Egypt is what they used to tell me!

When, family and friends told me I had a problem with drinking and drugs, I should've listened to them

DayTrader

All-frickin-right. Some nitty-gritty!

You're neither broken nor are you ever beyond repair. To use your analogy, you might have been in an accident and you may not own the equipment to fix it (you) yourself. You may need to consult professionals who've got experience in this line of work.

I had DUI's to deal with so that was my "excuse" for not partying anymore. When that didn't work I just said I needed to take a break because I felt it was starting to maybe get out of control (heh, what an understatement).


Of course you don't. That's the life of someone who's just "dry." Any program of recovery must include some instruction on how to make the changes you'll need to make more easily done. I tried "thinking" my way to better thinking.....and the result was more and more and more and more thinking + more and more and more and more dissatisfaction. The AA folks promised me if I did some legwork those changes would come "naturally" and I wouldn't walk around on eggshells all the time. I didn't believe them but I tried it anyway. Low and behold, they weren't lying!


How about 1 meeting, then go on from there. Forever is a long way off. Hey, you might get run over by a bus on Saturday so why worry yourself now about meetings forever. Recovery is a process...like puberty. You don't (nor would it be good) just snap from child to adult. That it takes some time is probably best for the individual because it allows you to adjust in small steps along the way.

And..... nobody 'wants' to be an alcoholic. Nobody grows up 'hoping' to go to aa meetings. My experience was i had some very justified and proven beliefs that AA was full of jerks and was a sham! I WANTED to hate it. Sometime early in that first year, my opinion changed 180*. Once I started working the steps (even though I just KNEW they wouldn't work), and I started feeling better and more like I "used to" when life was really good....I fell in love with the program. Now, you can't keep me AWAY from it. It's a friggin AWESOME way to live. ---not bad for a prior AA haaaaaaaaater.


Mike

DayTrader

Yeah..... I STILL don't understand wtf that means.

DayTrader

Yeah..... I STILL don't understand wtf that means.

CAPTAINZING2000

Neither did I, I drank, I got drunk, I blacked out then I passed out.

No problem

ElegantlyWasted

I'll 2nd DayT.
"How do I say to myself, self you are broken and beyond repair?"

Broken? Maybe, if you want to use that term. Feeling that way creates amazing new opportunities. You are definitly not beyond repair. You can make yourself into anything you choose. The broken part is simply a starting point where your new journey can begin.

iloveme

Man.....
Lots to digest.
Today I will not lie, because I do not have to.
Thank you for the wisdom, It is keeping me alive. I needed this real bad guys, real bad. Thank you. I love me and I wanna live, sober! For today atleast!