baldrick

...again.

Last year I stayed sober for 6 months. And I liked it a lot...

Than I slipped, within a couple of weeks I was binging again at least twice a week.

Last night I had a full black-out, I never had that before. Probably due the combination of alcohol and sleeping meds. Needless to say, not something i look forward to experience again.

Time for a new beginning. I know I can do it, as I did it before.

Going to counselor and will be a bit more active on this site, i have the feeling it helps...

yeahgr8

Welcome back it is a progressive illness, i never believed it so kept going but you will see that first hand if you dont start reaching out for help:-)

Cornczech

Good luck to you. I said, in a huff, that I wasn't going to comment on this site....but I have to say....this one IS the best one I have found thus far.
I am still drinking....I went through rehab (if you can count the measly 14 days as rehab/recovery!) in Feb. of 2009...I think I stayed sober for a week. I no longer drink 8 beers EVERY SINGLE DAY....and I have not blacked out since, (I can tell you from experience that sleeping meds and alcohol make you black out....and pretty sick, too....). My shame is not only that I cannot stop drinking....but that I have had to now hide it from my husband. I am a very blunt, loud, OPEN person....and now I hide the fact that I drink anywhere from 2 to 6 beers every day except Saturday and Sunday.....I would drink THOSE days too if I could get away with t, trust me.
I don't know why I wrote all this crap about me...this thread is about you.....I think you already know you're not alone in your pain....others can feel ya....but you ALSO know that you're alone in your pain....(I know...doesn't make too much sense...but you know what I mean....) Nobody can do this but you and unfortunately...only WE can feel what we feel inside.....
So....I think you know what needs to be done....and I think you can get a LOT of support here (and through other venues as well....AA/rehab/counselor...etc)

Good luck!

keithj

So, if you liked not drinking so much, why would you choose to go back to drinking and having blackouts?

I ask you to consider that just maybe you are not making that choice. That instead, maybe you are succumbing to a mental obsession or irresistible urge. Maybe you are in the grip of a progressive illness that you don't have a lot of control over.

You've been around this site for 4 years or so. Has anything fundamentally changed for you?

rws177

I just got my 6 month coin a few weeks ago. I'm curious what made you slip up and go back to drinking?

artsoul

Hi baldrick - I had a two good stretches of sobriety and choose to go back to drinking a third time (just wanted to have a "few" - you know the story). Each time I relapsed it got worse, especially the hangovers. The insanity of this disease is that we come to believe we can control it, when everything in our past tells us otherwise.

I'm glad you've come back to SR and are going to see a counselour. Hang in there - you can do it. You've already proven that to yourself.

ANGELINA243

This disease is indeed progressive--sometimes even to the point of death. Mixing booze and pills can be deadly. Yes, glad you are here and are seeking some type of help for yourself. You made it 6 months before--you can do it again. If seeing a counselor helps, then great! Keep reaching out. You are not alone. We do recover.

Dee74

Absolutely spot on for me, artsoul.

For me the difference this time, to all my other times 'trying to quit', is

• I accepted I cannot drink with control...and any thought that tells me so is a lie;
• this time I've worked on myself far and beyond just 'not drinking'

To me those two things have made a difference....a lasting one.
I hope we can help you find what will make the lasting difference for you...

Welcome back Baldrick
D

least

Welcome back! I hope we can be as helpful to you as this site has been for me. Lots of support and good information here so make yourself at home. :ghug3

sleepie

Please don't ever mix pills and alcohol again! It's far too dangerous. Best of luck with your sober endeavors- six months is impressive! You can do it again, and then some

CarolD

Welcome back to SR....

baldrick

Well, I'm indeed struggling with this for quite some time now. With ups and downs. I'm very self-conscious about my drinking leading to pattern that is kind of similar to bulemia-anorexia: not drinking for days/weeks, but when I drink I drink way to much. The balance is gone...

So indeed, I lost control. And the only way of gaining control is by not drinking at all. And that's the change I made, I guess. I know that moderation is not for me...

As long as I don't drink, I'm more or less fine. At least for a couple of days. Than the temptation pops up again...

baldrick

Hm... I don't want to look for lame self-excuses, I'll just describe my situation.

My girlfriend and I would like to have a child. Because I had a cancer when I was a child, that can not be done in the natural way... The whole medical process of donor insemination and in vitro fert. was really dragging us down.

For months and months the same procedure: going to the doc. several times for check-ups, insemination, waiting and hoping, desillusion... For me, I believe it is a matter of time before it will succede one day, but my girlfriend, after a process of two years, is at the brink of colapsing every time we hear bad news. It became harder to handle that, again and again.

My girlfriend - whose a responsable drinker, and has no problem at all - was drinking a few glasses after hearing the bad news, as a way to comfort herselve. Initially I could say 'no' to myself, but in january I gave in... So that's why I'm back here.

No excuses. The will is strong, but the flesh was weak.

Thank you for all comment. I appreciate them a lot.

Dee74

I'm sorry for your situation baldrick - it must be doubly hard when the most common stress relief of choice is alcohol.

The fact is though, as you know, alcohol doesn't solve anything for people like us - it just gives folks like you and me a whole other layer of problems to deal with. It's another layer of trouble and stress for your gf too, I would imagine.

There are other ways to deal with stress and disappointment - I hope you find a non destructive way that works for you.

I hope the counselling will be of use to you both

D