Dealing with a teenager during detox
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Amherst, NY
Posts: 4
Dealing with a teenager during detox
I have an 18 yr old Authoritative defiant son who has been a challenge all his life and is now into weed and alcohol. He lives with his mom who is an enabler. I've tried to have him live with me as I'm his Dad and feel a responsibility to still guide him. But it always turns into a battle and I wind up kicking him out for breaking the rules. I lay down the rules, like no smoking in the house, no drinking, etc. yet he still does it. I'm trying to turn my own life around yet am heartbroken that I can't seem to turn him around as well.
He's been to numerous councilors and therapists and he only manipulates them to get the output to his liking. My ex says I'm not being a very good Dad for kicking him out and being so strict, but my thinking is that without tough love he won't see the light of day. But here i am, struggling with my own demons with alcoholism and detox.
I'm on day 4 now and we had yet another blowout. I'm having DT's and shaking and then then blowout I turned into a complete mess at work. Driving home I was seconds from pulling in and buying a 12 pack, but passed it by. But the guilt of him, and now the guilt of me being an alcoholic has me at a loss.
Wondering if anyone has had a similar experience and how they dealt with a situation like this. It's so easy at this point to go back and kill the feelings again. But I don't want to. I'm already walking My Path to recovery.
He's been to numerous councilors and therapists and he only manipulates them to get the output to his liking. My ex says I'm not being a very good Dad for kicking him out and being so strict, but my thinking is that without tough love he won't see the light of day. But here i am, struggling with my own demons with alcoholism and detox.
I'm on day 4 now and we had yet another blowout. I'm having DT's and shaking and then then blowout I turned into a complete mess at work. Driving home I was seconds from pulling in and buying a 12 pack, but passed it by. But the guilt of him, and now the guilt of me being an alcoholic has me at a loss.
Wondering if anyone has had a similar experience and how they dealt with a situation like this. It's so easy at this point to go back and kill the feelings again. But I don't want to. I'm already walking My Path to recovery.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,913
Welcome to SR! Glad you found us. Hang around a while and keep reading and posting. There is a lot of good support here.
Congratulations on not buying that 12-pack. Drinking won't help anything and like I always say, there's nothing so bad that drinking won't make worse. At this point in the game, sobriety should be your number one priority. Your son is 18 years old and in the eyes of the law, that makes him an adult. You can't save him from himself and you know that. I would advise cutting off contact with him. There is no reason for you to feel guilty. He is making his own decisions and that is NOT your doing. Hang in there and take care of yourself.
Congratulations on not buying that 12-pack. Drinking won't help anything and like I always say, there's nothing so bad that drinking won't make worse. At this point in the game, sobriety should be your number one priority. Your son is 18 years old and in the eyes of the law, that makes him an adult. You can't save him from himself and you know that. I would advise cutting off contact with him. There is no reason for you to feel guilty. He is making his own decisions and that is NOT your doing. Hang in there and take care of yourself.
Ch5 HOW
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Queens, NY
Posts: 175
Originally Posted by MyPath 
I have an 18 yr old Authoritative defiant son who has been a challenge all his life and is now into weed and alcohol. He lives with his mom who is an enabler. I've tried to have him live with me as I'm his Dad and feel a responsibility to still guide him. But it always turns into a battle and I wind up kicking him out for breaking the rules. I lay down the rules, like no smoking in the house, no drinking, etc. yet he still does it. I'm trying to turn my own life around yet am heartbroken that I can't seem to turn him around as well.
He's been to numerous councilors and therapists and he only manipulates them to get the output to his liking. My ex says I'm not being a very good Dad for kicking him out and being so strict, but my thinking is that without tough love he won't see the light of day. But here i am, struggling with my own demons with alcoholism and detox.
I'm on day 4 now and we had yet another blowout. I'm having DT's and shaking and then then blowout I turned into a complete mess at work. Driving home I was seconds from pulling in and buying a 12 pack, but passed it by. But the guilt of him, and now the guilt of me being an alcoholic has me at a loss.
Wondering if anyone has had a similar experience and how they dealt with a situation like this. It's so easy at this point to go back and kill the feelings again. But I don't want to. I'm already walking My Path to recovery.
He's been to numerous councilors and therapists and he only manipulates them to get the output to his liking. My ex says I'm not being a very good Dad for kicking him out and being so strict, but my thinking is that without tough love he won't see the light of day. But here i am, struggling with my own demons with alcoholism and detox.
I'm on day 4 now and we had yet another blowout. I'm having DT's and shaking and then then blowout I turned into a complete mess at work. Driving home I was seconds from pulling in and buying a 12 pack, but passed it by. But the guilt of him, and now the guilt of me being an alcoholic has me at a loss.
Wondering if anyone has had a similar experience and how they dealt with a situation like this. It's so easy at this point to go back and kill the feelings again. But I don't want to. I'm already walking My Path to recovery.
One thing i have learned that one of my teachers has really drilled into my head is that we ARE NOT responsible for other people. i know this may be hard for you to grasp because you are watching your son go down the road to ruin, but the ONLY thing that we are responsible is ourselves and putting the work in. we can not get others sober, no matter how hard we try. my suggestion to you would be to get into an AA group, begin practicing the principles, and show your son through your life how being sober is a better way of life. the more you try to ram it down his throat, you may ruin future opportunities to help him.
there are a bunch of people here who can help you and you should also look for AA meetings in your area. just remember-- the only stupid questions are the ones you dont ask.
Adjusting my Sails
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,021
Welcome to SR MyPath.
I have talked to some people at AA meetings who have children at home using drugs and alcohol. Like you I was looking for answers for my own situation. I too come home to a house where there is marijuana and alcohol being used.
One man said he got up and walked past his son who was passed out on the couch every morning as he went to the bus stop to go to His AA meetings. This was when he was in your situation and just started into recovery.
I talked to a lady who constantly battles internally with kicking her kids out and letting them stay. She stays focused on her sobriety and her "new family" in AA.
Neither one of them have tried to enforce rules on there grown kids. They are taking care of themselves and there own sobriety first.
A third man has imposed a no drugs or alcohol rule in his home. His son can use all he wants, just not in his home.
Myself, when my youngest son was still 17 I called the police and had him arrested in an attempt to get him into court ordered treatment as well as a year of probation in the hopes that would keep him clean long enough for hime to change his mind. It didn't work. In all cases I have mentioned, the young men and women make their own choices, you have nothing to feel guilty about because at this point you have no control over his use, father or not.
The best thing you can do is throw yourself into active recovery. Whether or not you allow smoking and drinking in your home is up to you and your ability to stay sober with him doing that in your home. If you tell him he can't use in order to fix him it won't work, and if your still drinking what really is the point?
After talking to others I myself have talked to my sons about smoking and drinking in my home. I am sober now and I can't have it in my home for my own sobriety and that is what I told them. My home has to be safe for me, coming home to that doesn't work for me. If they want to use they have to do it somewhere else.
I have gone out and picked up my 21 year old son who was out drinking twice now in the last week. He went to his first AA meeting with me this afternoon. The first man I told you about who walked by his passed out son every day now has a sober son. His son noticed he was out getting sober and eventually got tired of his life and did the same.
I know it's hard as a father but being heartbroken that you can't turn him around is a waist of energy and it does no good for either one of you. Forget the notion that you have so much control over him or anyone else that you can turn them around. Your just making it harder on yourself when you do think that way.
Love yourself enough to take care of you first and leave the rest to God or the natural order of the universe if you prefer. If you are alcoholic you may have lost the ability to stop drinking. The only thing you have control over is whether or not you seek help to stay sober and the accept the help that is offered.
You don't have to ever drink again.
I have talked to some people at AA meetings who have children at home using drugs and alcohol. Like you I was looking for answers for my own situation. I too come home to a house where there is marijuana and alcohol being used.
One man said he got up and walked past his son who was passed out on the couch every morning as he went to the bus stop to go to His AA meetings. This was when he was in your situation and just started into recovery.
I talked to a lady who constantly battles internally with kicking her kids out and letting them stay. She stays focused on her sobriety and her "new family" in AA.
Neither one of them have tried to enforce rules on there grown kids. They are taking care of themselves and there own sobriety first.
A third man has imposed a no drugs or alcohol rule in his home. His son can use all he wants, just not in his home.
Myself, when my youngest son was still 17 I called the police and had him arrested in an attempt to get him into court ordered treatment as well as a year of probation in the hopes that would keep him clean long enough for hime to change his mind. It didn't work. In all cases I have mentioned, the young men and women make their own choices, you have nothing to feel guilty about because at this point you have no control over his use, father or not.
The best thing you can do is throw yourself into active recovery. Whether or not you allow smoking and drinking in your home is up to you and your ability to stay sober with him doing that in your home. If you tell him he can't use in order to fix him it won't work, and if your still drinking what really is the point?
After talking to others I myself have talked to my sons about smoking and drinking in my home. I am sober now and I can't have it in my home for my own sobriety and that is what I told them. My home has to be safe for me, coming home to that doesn't work for me. If they want to use they have to do it somewhere else.
I have gone out and picked up my 21 year old son who was out drinking twice now in the last week. He went to his first AA meeting with me this afternoon. The first man I told you about who walked by his passed out son every day now has a sober son. His son noticed he was out getting sober and eventually got tired of his life and did the same.
I know it's hard as a father but being heartbroken that you can't turn him around is a waist of energy and it does no good for either one of you. Forget the notion that you have so much control over him or anyone else that you can turn them around. Your just making it harder on yourself when you do think that way.
Love yourself enough to take care of you first and leave the rest to God or the natural order of the universe if you prefer. If you are alcoholic you may have lost the ability to stop drinking. The only thing you have control over is whether or not you seek help to stay sober and the accept the help that is offered.
You don't have to ever drink again.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Hi MyPath and welcome! There are lots of us going through the first days of sobriety and alot who have months and years of experience that we can lean on and learn from. I agree with everyone's post - it's enough right now just to worry about yourself. Things are going to overwhelm you if you focus on anything else during detox. Once you get through that, you'll begin to sense some inner strength and hope that you didn't even know you have. Even if your son can't change right now - YOU deserve this. Congratulations on your choice to live a better life.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Welcome MyPath.....
You are the most important person in your life at this point.
Your healing and you need time to do so.
The initial de tox is really difficult but another day or so
you most likely will see a big improvement.
I certainly hope you will check with your doctor
should it get worse.
Keep in focus....we do understand and many of us
are living sober healthy lives.....
This can be true for you too.
You are the most important person in your life at this point.
Your healing and you need time to do so.
The initial de tox is really difficult but another day or so
you most likely will see a big improvement.
I certainly hope you will check with your doctor
should it get worse.
Keep in focus....we do understand and many of us
are living sober healthy lives.....
This can be true for you too.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: KC MO
Posts: 980
I hate to be blunt, but I see no other way.
You have been sober 4 days, and after 4 days you expect your son to follow your "4 day example" and quit using? You were a teenager once weren't you?
But it's good you are trying to quit. As others have said. All you can do is set an example. Sobriety doesn't happen overnight. It turns into a way of life. Just like drinking is a way of life. Going from a party way of life to a sober way of life is quite a change. But it is a change for the good that others will see.
At 4 days sober,I was in absolutely no position to tell myself what to do, let alone someone else. I myself needed a few months before I could make rational decisions. Alcohol screws with your mind, and when you quit it gets mad and then screws with your mind even more.
Get a few months clean, and then you can take a rational look at whats going on with your son. With only 4 days clean, I believe you are only going to make matters worse by trying to tell him to stop.
Just my opinion.
Fred
You have been sober 4 days, and after 4 days you expect your son to follow your "4 day example" and quit using? You were a teenager once weren't you?
But it's good you are trying to quit. As others have said. All you can do is set an example. Sobriety doesn't happen overnight. It turns into a way of life. Just like drinking is a way of life. Going from a party way of life to a sober way of life is quite a change. But it is a change for the good that others will see.
At 4 days sober,I was in absolutely no position to tell myself what to do, let alone someone else. I myself needed a few months before I could make rational decisions. Alcohol screws with your mind, and when you quit it gets mad and then screws with your mind even more.
Get a few months clean, and then you can take a rational look at whats going on with your son. With only 4 days clean, I believe you are only going to make matters worse by trying to tell him to stop.
Just my opinion.
Fred
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Amherst, NY
Posts: 4
Actually in my defense to NerverTheLess, it's been a 2 yr drug battle with my son and a 20 yr alcohol battle with my self. Teenager or not, I want the best for my son regardless of my tribulations. I'm not trying to turn my son around after 4 days. It's been 2 yrs trying. Time to let him go. But this thread has shown me that I need to focus on myself now and I appreciate each and every one of your comments. They really helped put things into perspective!
On to sobriety!
On to sobriety!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: St. Louis, MO
Posts: 638
I don't have any kids but just know that early on in sobriety it was a struggle to not buy booze when dealing with any stressfull situation in life. I agree that you should focus on yourself first then worry about your son next. Congrats on day 4!
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to Sober Recovery!
I am a recovering alcoholic. I have children. I had to make sobriety my priority. It had to come before my marriage, my children and my career. If sobriety wasn't my priority, I was going to lose everything! This is your time to focus on your life and getting yourself healthy. Be gentle with yourself!
I am also a recovering ex-spouse of an alcoholic, and I have an adult daughter that drinks. I attend Alanon for support there.
I have had to do step One for myself and my loved ones:
We admitted we were powerless over alcohol and our lives had become unmanageable.
I was powerless over alcohol in my life. I am powerless over my loved ones alcohol consumption.
Keep coming back! We are here to support you.
I am a recovering alcoholic. I have children. I had to make sobriety my priority. It had to come before my marriage, my children and my career. If sobriety wasn't my priority, I was going to lose everything! This is your time to focus on your life and getting yourself healthy. Be gentle with yourself!
I am also a recovering ex-spouse of an alcoholic, and I have an adult daughter that drinks. I attend Alanon for support there.
I have had to do step One for myself and my loved ones:
We admitted we were powerless over alcohol and our lives had become unmanageable.
I was powerless over alcohol in my life. I am powerless over my loved ones alcohol consumption.
Keep coming back! We are here to support you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: KC MO
Posts: 980
Originally Posted by MyPath
Actually in my defense to NerverTheLess, it's been a 2 yr drug battle with my son and a 20 yr alcohol battle with my self. Teenager or not, I want the best for my son regardless of my tribulations. I'm not trying to turn my son around after 4 days. It's been 2 yrs trying. Time to let him go. But this thread has shown me that I need to focus on myself now and I appreciate each and every one of your comments. They really helped put things into perspective!
On to sobriety!
On to sobriety!
But like has been said, the best way to get him to stop is by example.
As you know quitting is very difficult and like has been said. Your sobriety comes before everything else. You can't worry about someone that doesn't want to quit. And trying to force someone that age will make it worse in my opinion.
I finally got the monkey off of my back, and I can't find the words to explain what it is like. It wasn't easy, but man it was sure worth it.
I wish you the best.
Fred
Sunny Side Up
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
I'll tell you a story.
My eldest son started on drugs at 14 and by the time he was 18 he was drinking aswell. Split up from his father, it was a really tough time for me as I have 2 other sons aswell. At 15 he smashed windows, ripped up a lounge, holes in the walls etc etc. I had kicked him out many times and he ended up at his fathers place after living off the streets. (and of course with strict rules). This didnt phase him either, he created hell there too. When he turned 21 he didnt want to have a birthday party as he only had drug/alcohol addict friends and didnt want me to be with them I guess.
Even though my son has had his addictions I have felt close to him and he would always tell me stuff.
It wasnt until he was about 23 that I got the k_ck in the a_s that I needed. he was 23, never held down a job for longer than 3 months, nothing to show for himself and one day we were alone - I asked him if he ever thought about changing how he lives? He burst into tears and said I wouldnt understand. I said, give me a go.
These words have always stuck in my head - He said, all he ever wanted from me was for me to 'be proud' of him. It made me think and it was going back when he was probably 10 at school. That was the last time I was proud of him. Since then, I watched every word I said to him, sent him 'I love you messages" ' Cant wait to see you again' 'Hows my beautiful son'
This made such a difference and he stopped using drugs. Today he still likes a drink but he is a 27yr old man that I adore today.
My eldest son started on drugs at 14 and by the time he was 18 he was drinking aswell. Split up from his father, it was a really tough time for me as I have 2 other sons aswell. At 15 he smashed windows, ripped up a lounge, holes in the walls etc etc. I had kicked him out many times and he ended up at his fathers place after living off the streets. (and of course with strict rules). This didnt phase him either, he created hell there too. When he turned 21 he didnt want to have a birthday party as he only had drug/alcohol addict friends and didnt want me to be with them I guess.
Even though my son has had his addictions I have felt close to him and he would always tell me stuff.
It wasnt until he was about 23 that I got the k_ck in the a_s that I needed. he was 23, never held down a job for longer than 3 months, nothing to show for himself and one day we were alone - I asked him if he ever thought about changing how he lives? He burst into tears and said I wouldnt understand. I said, give me a go.
These words have always stuck in my head - He said, all he ever wanted from me was for me to 'be proud' of him. It made me think and it was going back when he was probably 10 at school. That was the last time I was proud of him. Since then, I watched every word I said to him, sent him 'I love you messages" ' Cant wait to see you again' 'Hows my beautiful son'
This made such a difference and he stopped using drugs. Today he still likes a drink but he is a 27yr old man that I adore today.
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