Texasblind

The BB says "unless it will cause harm..." but the one amends I have yet to give will cause harm, and it's killing me. Is there a way to give amends that doesn't actually involve calling or mailing this person?

Short story: She's my ex wife. I just walked out Thanksgiving 05 without an explanation and started over. Our divorce took two years because she kept thinking I would come back and I couldn't bring myself to tell her why I couldn't. It had more to do than just my drinking.

She's remarried, with a kid and very happy (as far as I know). I'm very happy for her and don't want to **** up anything she has going on. My life is 100% better without her, yet I can't shake the need to apologize to her. What to do?

The need to make amends keeps coming back in dreams and in therapy, but I honestly think to even contact her would cause harm. She hates me. I love her today, but I can recognize that the way I treated her during our divorce was absolutely horrible.

tallcactus

That's a hard one, if you know it will cause harm.
What other way to communicate, than verbal or written is beyond me.
Pray on this if you believe in a "higher power."
Did u have children with this Ex? Does she have family? If so, maybe you can contact one of them and have you message played back to her.
Curious to hear what others will suggest.

shaun00

amends are not about you
amends are not done to relieve you of guilt or shame.

i have a story identical to yours........right done to the dreams.

but the amends involves an element of risk to her and her new life.
so it stays on the list till an appropriate time comes........gods time not mine.

try not to slip into morbid remorse and regret and pray for direction...the answer will come maybe not now but in the future.

i saw a therapist for the nightmares and dreams......that went on for a couple of years.....learnt alot about something called compounded loss.

the dreams dissapeared.........
but she remains on that list.

if i can be of any help please feel free to pm me.

BP44

What is your sponsor's suggestion?

yeahgr8

I dont see this as a hard one at all, IMO, myself included, there is no more selfish and self centered creature on this planet than an alcoholic/drunk/problem drinker!

The amend process, for me, was to clear up the wreckage of the past not to appease my guilt or to offer me comfort for the things i had done.

Mind you if you keep asking someone will give you the response you want to hear, i do have a similar situation and if the opportunity even arises then it would be appropriate, i certainly won't be instigating contact though because that would be old behaviour.

I believe i have been very sick (anyone that doesnt believe they were sick or the disease concept is basically saying IMO yeah im a total ass but now i dont drink so im a sober ass) and that greatly influenced my choices and behaviour and im not anymore and yeah id like to go back to everyone and explain too.

Thats just an opinion based on what you have posted, like i said i would trust your sponsor who would have more info to go on:-)

Pinkcuda

So how long are you going to let this eat at you before you make your amends?

endzoner

Hey Tex ( hug ) I like many have come across this one as well .. I found it helpful to hand write not type but hand write it out all you wish to say .. take it when your done read it out loud maybe to someone you trust that knows your situation . or just outloud to your self , then go out back and place it in the grill and burn it . youve said what youve had to say and not hurt anyone in the process .. hope it helps yah , I know it helped me get over some of those dreadful cant do's with out causeing harm amends . huggles Endzy

NoelleR

"...Short story: She's my ex wife. I just walked out Thanksgiving 05 without an explanation and started over. Our divorce took two years because she kept thinking I would come back and I couldn't bring myself to tell her why I couldn't. It had more to do than just my drinking.

She's remarried, with a kid and very happy (as far as I know). I'm very happy for her and don't want to **** up anything she has going on. My life is 100%better without her, yet I can't shake the need to apologize to her..."

Well, to start, I believe that step says that we are to make direct amends (that's f2f, not phone any other electronic means, unless that's not possible --- i.e.: the person's disappeared or dead, in which case endzoner's suggestion makes sense); to make those direct amends wherever possible (note, that's wherever and not whenever; the timing should always be as soon as possible); and the only exception is if that amends would injure them or others. Now, I know there are some who consider themselves to be among the 'others,' but to me, and my recovered friends, those others do not include me, only others, as in if I had been unfaithful and I might hurt the person with whom I was being unfaithful, or his/her SO. .....and remember, that although an apology may be part of an amends, an amends is really trying to 'mend' whatever went on in the past.


(o:
NoelleR

mikefreak

Does she know where you live? if not, I would just send her a letter/note without a return address.

CarolD

As both of my ex usbands lived far away from me
(Yea!) I wrote them letters and burned them...

TB....prayers for your peace on this matter

Nevertheless

In my opinion, you should just pray for her to have a happy life.
If you try to make amends and stir things up, the matter could be worse for both of you. Which is opposite of what you are trying to accomplish.
Fred

Texasblind

Thanks all for your input. I'm feeling today that it would be in everyone's best interest to just let this one go and continue dealing with my own feelings privately in therapy. If amends are truly about the other person, I truly believe she does not care to hear from me.

It's funny, we live roughly 3 miles from each other and I haven't seen her (even on accident running into her somewhere) since 2005.

I'm gonna leave it alone. It's worked for 5 years. I should mention that alcohol was not a contributing factor to my divorce. I did not become truly alcoholic until after our divorce. I would not be making amends for anything alcohol caused. With that in mind, maybe it is something to just leave to therapy.

barb dwyer

Hi, Tx -

When I came into recovery (hopefully for the last time)
I'd cut off all communication with my children
(now 31-31)
and they had no idea where to find me
for fifteen years.

talk about knowing there was that ONE amends
I'd never get the courage for!

When I came back into recovery
I feared the fourth step for that same reason.

But as I healed
I was able to do the fourth step
and it created for me real and permanent change.

The steps of AA was for me
the very first time
I'd done what was required.
That I had filled all the requirements of anything
without lying, cheating , or just flubbing my way through
to be included in the 'winners'.
I did the whole enchilada - for real.

One day at a time
one step at a time.

As time passed
this monster of an amends would come up
from time to time
and leer at me across the abyss of regret.

It was never far from my mind, this
'amend' with my kids.
I felt it as a failure
I felt it as something I would never manage
and would remain undone as I went to my grave.

I used what I'd learned all over the world
as a Spiritual-Type of leader-person
I prayed
I did my program to the UTMOST best I could manage....

and I 'knew' in my heart
that when the time came for me to attempt to contact my kids ....

I would not be afraid.
I would not be ashamed.
I would just do it.


I'm told that that is called 'faith'.
For me, it was just a way of knowing.


Well that night came
quite by suprise
I was at work at the time.
And with four years sober coming in august -
this was only month before last.

I was literally at work putting away liquor
and it hit me
'go on facebook and find them they're both there.'

I went on facebook
and found them both in less than fifteen minutes
(miraculous considering how that thing locks up alla time)
My youngest son
had only posted his fb page
two weeks before.

I went home
prayed again
wrote a short email message.

"Once upon a time, I was your mother.
I am clean and sober now. Do you want to talk?"

It took me over twenty minutes to push the 'send' button.

In less than four hours
I had an answer.

We've texted called and emailed constantly ever since.

All is forgiven...
I even have a grandaughter
who begins every fb text with 'omg'
and has my long fingers,
my eyes
and big feet!

amends are living actions... not sorrowful words.

I tell you from my own personal experience:

Trust your inner guidance.
Pray about it.

Do as much as you can for those placed in your path
whose stories are similar to yours ... on both sides.

I believe -
when we lose our children -
whether to alcoholism, addiction, abuse, divorce - whatever-

ALL children ... become my children.
EVERYONE'S child ... becomes my responsibility.
EVERYONE ... becomes someone's child.

For years -
I treated people with that in mind.

"I will do this...and perhaps someone 'out there' will do as much for my child"
was my mantra for a very long time.


I have hope for you, hon.
I do NOT believe in pushing things.

I don't believe - I KNOW ... that when that time for you comes...

you will know it.
and you won't be afraid.
The Infinite will use
the program of alcoholics anonymous and the twelve steps ...

.. to make you ready. Teachable. And able to hear the call when it's time.

barb dwyer

I was convinced that my sons hated me as well.
I came into recovery believing that to contact them
would only mess their lives up.

Keep taking it one day at a time.

Follow your guidance.

When time comes - you won't be afraid.

that's how you'll know it's finally time.

Peter

It took me years of asking around to finally track down the location of someone i had caused great harm to.

Of all the people I had harmed this one caused me the greatest remorse.

I saw photographs of her and her husband and children and she looked well and happy. She was living in a different country now.

I decided to let it be.

The letter I had written to her and read aloud to my sponsor years ago would have to do.