Nyte Byrd

Again, you continue to admit the problem yourself.

And still again, foolishly misleading yourself into falsely believing she is that powerful. No one's spouse is that powerful to control an alcoholic's behavior once they are drinking. In all likelihood, you will do whatever you did before. If you secretly drank without her knowledge, you will do it again.

Once you drink again, you will no longer even be concerned with her choices....only your own as your
thinking will revert once again.

I take this as an admission you are not even in a state of mind to even make such a rash decision. As someone suggested, run this 'completely' and 'honestly' with the counselor you are seeing. If he or she says, okay...then 'go for it'. But if he or she is any good of a counselor, I can't say how he or she could possibly condone it. But my guess is, you already know that and probably won't wish to tell him or her for fear of being talked out of something you already seem set on doing. I am not sure you are seeking help as much as seeking accomplices, just someone to agree with you to justify this inane action.

After awhile, people who ARE in recovery will realize that there are others who truly wish to get sober and heed what the book says, and not spend too much time on any one person who apparently is not serious enough about getting sober and still wishes more research and destruction.

The worst that could happen is you could die. You could lose your wife. You could lose your kids. You could lose your job. Fact is you don't 'know' what could happen. Do you wish to gamble such a venture on only what you 'think' may happen or not?

But you couldn't 'stay' sober and there is a big difference. Most people really don't even change their thinking into 'real' recovery till they're about two years sober. Doesn't work on 'zen' alone.

Keep it simple. Living life one day at a time isn't something we put in a blender trying to get the right mix of ingredients so it tastes just to our liking. Life should be that convenient for all of us. :rotfxko

But yet you almost intentionally allow yourself to continue that line of thinking.

All the more reason you need to get involved in recovery ASAP. I was lucky. My sons were only 1 and 3 when I got sober. They are in 20's today. You are risking losing the chance I was given to see them grow up.

It doesn't matter what others say later. Actually don't inflate your ego that much to be concerned that anyone would be thinking anything to tell you 'I told you so'. If you attempt what you are talking about, I think most already know the result and no need to say anything. What is important is what you will learn from the event...and the loss concerned. Your being 'open' to this, is about as logical as someone telling you to
jump out of a plane without a parachute and you will probably land on some cushion and be open minded to that possibility. That is not being openminded. That is self-justification so you can feel guiltless in what you know you are already going to do. Sounds like my earlier guess wasn't wrong after all. You're gonna do this nonetheless.

Only hope you have now, is that your wife at least smartens up and learns to be more supportive and that she can only hurt you if she thinks she has any control over your drinking. You may want to suggest her to go seek help at Alanon herself. She may learn something herself about the disease. If she can't save you, maybe she can at least save herself and the kids from further harm.

At least, if a day ever comes you are ready to get sober, keep what has been suggested to you by others in mind, and it may bear fruit one day.

Mark75

Yes, you put that in your original post. And your argument, I think, has sustained a TKO... out for the count.... as they say. But I hope you are not... I hope you keep coming back.

I also hope you didn't mind my lame attempt at levity, I happen to like Sprite Zero a good bit, but sadly, I've found, the young woman doesn't come with the bottles ... I'm finding that many of these chain restaurants... Fridays, Ruby Tuesday's, Red Robin... those chains who market the hell out their alcoholic beverages, also have some pretty cool non-alcoholic choices... and they give free refills... I had all the Raspberry Lemonade slushies I could drink at Fridays last night at dinner.... My wife only drinks at home, just before bedtime, just one (how does she do that??) So she joined me for a couple of rounds...

My wife would like me to be able to join her, to drink responsibly and all that, just before bedtime.... and bless her heart, she's even told me that if I wanted to drink again she make absolutely sure I wouldn't abuse it!! I love her too much to let her try that.

Cloudbusted, we are all glad to have you here. Maybe what you've read will make a difference. My suggestion would be to keep going to those AA meetings.... listen and find your own truth in the truths of others that have been where you are now.

Peace
Mark

flutter

My husband could never understand why I wouldn't be happy only having 2 or 3 drinks when I went out.. and for the life of me I never understood why he never wanted more than 2 or 3 drinks when we went out... when it comes to alcohol, we're never going to understand each other. I'm glad that the whole mess has been removed from our relationship, it's much happier not to even care about it anymore!

I tried every method of controlled drinking, and I was successful a lot of the times, but I sure did obsess and obsess about wishing I had more, more often, etc.. that was no way to live.

I rather enjoy Sprite, and Dr. Pepper

Good luck, there's tons of opinion and advice here.. of course you'll do what you will. We'll be here if you need support!

flutter

Love that!!!!

DanielP

After reading a lot of Charles Bukowski (sp) for a while I thought I just needed to find a woman who would bear with me, help me through my episodes and not judge. I'm glad that didn't happen. I need alcohol for a number of reasons, none of which have to do with having full mental health. Having an accomplice or sympathetic partner would just delay the inevitable (or in other ways hasten it) of needing to come to terms with my alcoholism.

RobbyRobot

Yes, this is a common want alcoholics have ~controlled drinking~ as we attempt to come to grips with what we understand about alcoholism. I'm in the camp that alcoholics cannot drink responsibly no matter the circumstances or details.

Alcoholics are by definition of the majority of recoverd alcoholics unable to responsibly drink. There is always going to be a minority who say they can drink responsibly. There are no absolutes for everybody as alcoholism has no medical relevant opinion on what "recovered" "recovering" and "responsible drinking" is or is not. Its all up to the individual.

Alcoholism is itself difficult to scientifically define let alone judge and qualify what is "responsible drinking"

You'll know for yourself what works for you. I'll say though that if your already declaring yourself alcoholic, as you are above, then you are well on your way to discovering what will eventually work for you. Stay safe.

suki44883

Terminal uniqueness. We pretty much all have suffered from it at one time or another.

Cloudbusted

By saying that in a few weeks people could probably say I told you so was not my ego. I was simply trying not to discredit peoples advice, because they most likely have been though this. Sorry if this was a poor attempt not to discredit peoples advice. I did not mean to make my wife responsible for my drinking, but to drink only when she chooses to drink. Not to drink more than her either. I meant to say that I would want to use her as an example, and stop debating what to do myself. I would feel guilty if I continued to drink heavy, and cause further harm. How could I blame that on anyone. Yes I will be honest with my counselors. I do not see how being dishonest with them would be helpful. What I meant about open minded was simply that I would not be to convinced I could do this. This may be a foolish choice, but does not mean I am a complete fool. Besides I asked for advice on responsible drinking, and its fine for people to say they do not believe it can happen. I understand your stance on it, but it seems you are angry with my choice to do it anyway. I am grateful for your advice, and am not saying you are wrong at all.

Nyte Byrd

I would therefore be very much interested in learning what you decide to do if the counselor suggests against this thinking. Would you still consider risking taking such a gamble? Or would you think the counselor the fool for thinking you shouldn't?

I believe enough people here have already stated quite clearly and precisely the facts that you do not seem 'open' to be willing to accept. You have a strange perception of what being 'open' to things is about I think.

My friend, I am 22 years sober. Don't you think I have more important things to be 'angry' about by now in my life. Besides, I save all that good stuff for my wife. :rotfxko

So if you're not saying I am wrong, does that mean you are saying I and others are right? Or are you still unconvinced?

How's this?

Why don't you go ahead and just try it? Let's face it. You already decided to long before you even posted lately. Come back in about a month or so, post again, and let us know how things went. And don't just tell us how it didn't do harm. Let us know in what ways did it enrich your life as well! Fair enough?

DanielP

Over time it's a lottery with the same odds. You may drink "normally" for a night, a week, two years, or the rest of your life (it could happen). But this is purely theoretical--your personal story will provide all the clues you need. If you've failed in the past you'll likely fail again, and worse than before.

fabiola7386

Thanx for sharing!!!!

Drug Rehab

ErikaT

1. Does that sound like somebody who is responsible for themselves?

2. I think that statement alone answers all your questions

3. Going to AA meetings wasnt easy for ANY of us. Do you think recovering alcoholics only got sober because they had an empty schedule?

CarolD

fabiola7386....

I see you linked to our SR resource page.
Is there something we can help you with?

Cloudbusted

Well I have been going to counselors for awhile. I talked with the rehab tech, and he pretty much said that he can not stop me. He asked right after what I want in life, and its not to be a drunken bum father. Also my psychiatrist thinks that I have a form of bi-polar. That really sucks to hear. I can't trust my own judgment if I am bi-polar. At least from my limited knowledge of it. I thank you for all your advice. It has really helped. Apparently I have been self medicating with alcohol. That may explain why I was able to manage not drinking and drinking responsible at times. When my cycles were not in the extreme. I really have no clue about how bi-polar and self medicating works to be honest. I think coming here, and being told where the bear ****s in the woods has helped. And, being honest with counselors for the first time since 2008. I have been in and out treatment since 08. I feel better and I don’t go anymore. I have been told that is part of bi-polar as well. I have heard it takes a long time to diagnose this, but the psychiatrist sounds confident. In the next few weeks I will have a treatment plan started for me and a trial of medication. It helped to hear that this idea was a pipe dream. Not that I think I will miraculously recover from alcohol, but once I get on meds this will be easier. I’ll just try to take it easy until then, which is soon, and try to be safe. I guess this would make me co-dependent if the second opinion is the same. Looking forward to a path to recovery, and some stability in my life. Thanks for telling me what the deal is I thankful for the advice.

suki44883

As troubling as it is to hear, it's actually good that you have a diagnosis. That makes it much easier to treat. I'm also glad to hear that you were honest with your counselors. No one wants you to be miserable, but unless you are honest, no one can help you, either.

Best of luck with your treatment. ((((HUGS))))

Nyte Byrd

Best to you. I know several in AA who have been diagnosed with the same. Some on meds, some not.
Along with a program of recovery and 'time'....believe it or not, one does find balance in their life. I know myself what it was like to have lived the roller coaster ride of life of extreme highs to extreme lows. For me, after a couple of years sober, I began to experience some prolonged periods of time, perhaps a couple of consecutive weeks, and I didn't know if anyone could comprehend this at the time, but I just wasn't feeling too high about anything, nor too low...I was just 'feeling all right with myself'...and it just felt 'so wonderful' just to feel 'all right.' Go figger!!

I am glad to hear you sound more comfortable with what you have learned through help from the counselors concerned and those here who have reached out to you.

Again, my sincere best wishes on your recovery.

MissFixit

Hi there,

I am not sure if I am supposed to post here or not, but here goes. I am not an alcoholic, I was formerly engaged to one. I spent the majority of 4 years trying to help him get sober and take charge of his life. Didn't work and drove me nuts in the process. We eventually spilt.

Early on in our relationship, my exA put responsible "stuff" on my plate. HE was the fun one and I was the planner and executer. He got to play while I picked up the pieces. This created MASSIVE resentments on both sides. We stuck to our roles, but eventually things ended. He too looked to me for some sort of permission to drink or absolution for when he drank and lied about it. At a certain point he was blaming me for his drinking, depression, bad moods, etc... At the time I had not attended al anon yet, but really internalized his pain and venomous words. 1 1/2 years later, I am still dealing with the blows to my self confidence and esteem in large part because of that.

The purpose of burdeoning you with this boring story is to let you know the effects of the partner that you are giving control to. We do not have magic wands and really cannot help you. I was completely iggnorant about alcoholism before this and wish that I never put myself in a position to "take charge" of another person's drinking or welfare. In hindsight I would not do it again. The complete drain to "control" another person is AWFUL. It sucks and ages you 150 years.

Thank you for your post as I have never known what is going on with someone when they pass off that control to another adult. In a way I did it too by reacting to him and not seeing that I had a choice in the situation (just to leave him to his own stuff). This post might be better for your wife than for you, but your thread stood out to me.

Cloudbusted

Thanks for your story. I realize now it was a bad idea to think of. I think my wife is almost in the same situation you were in. Although I don't say mean things to her and have been very loving. I'm a happy drunk if I had to guess. I think if I had not been I would not have a chance to be back together with recovery.

P.S. Cute dog

OneForTheRoad

Cloudbusted

I've had my disagreements with many on this site - but I'm in 100% agreement with a lot of the posts here:

Only you can be responsible for your behaviour (including your drinking). Your wife may be well-intentioned in this plan but I fear it will end in tears for both of you.

As for your question (I'll paraphrase) "Can I learn to drink normally" - the answer is maybe, but the experience of most problem drinkers is probably no - the relationship with alcohol is too problematic.

My advice to you would be: You need to form a plan, with a series of 'what-ifs' to cater for eventualities (e.g. you try to moderate and fail).

There are groups out there on the web who advocate 'moderation management' - I'm sure if you google them you'll get more information. That may help.

An alternative may be the Sinclair method. Again you can google it. Personally that is what I'm doing - my goal is to reach a point where I am drinking moderately at which stage I'll re-evaluate. I want to have the option to be able to quit completely AND have high confidence of success in doing that. If and when I reach the point of being able to drink moderately (I'm defining that as 15 UK units or less per week) over a prolonged period of time (e.g. 3 months) I'll make the decision as to whether to maintain that (taking naltrexone, for ever more, before any occasion where I will drink alcohol), or to go complete abstience (although I'll ensure I have naltrexone available if I ever slip). I'm 7 months or so into the method and my drinking is about 35-40% of what it was - I've gone from over 100 units per week (with maybe 1 alcohol free day every 3 weeks or so), to about 40 UK units per week with 3-4 AF days per week. That is still a distance from cured, but I do feel encouraged I'm going in the right direction.

Good luck in your journey whatever path you choose, but I hope you'll take on board the advice of all here.

onlythetruth

Hi Cloud:

I notice that most of this discussion has been from a 12 step point of view. As one who is definitely not in the "12 step is the only way" camp, I wonder if you have checked out the SMART Recovery website? SMART's approach comes at things from a very different angle than AA does. It's an abstinence based program but it doesn't view alcoholism as a disease or those of us who have it as being powerless. I've been sober a long time and got my start in AA, but I think that SMART Recovery has a lot going for it and its tools and process might be more to your liking than AA.

OTT