Ceres

I decided to post this here rather than the family and friends section because I'm also in recovery and as such, am an alcoholic first and foremost.

Long history with my husband, that I won't pollute the forum with:crazy But things had been pretty good until around 4 years ago (we've been married 7 years). Anyway, he was a secret percocet abuser, I was a closet drunk. Quite a recipe for destruction. I got help, he followed when I got a couple AA guys to confront and 12 step him. He ended up in rehab and was a completely changed man.

Fast forward a couple years. And he's miserable. He stopped going to meetings after 8 months. He's been unbearable the last year.

I accused him of being on pills again, and he blew up. I no longer think it's pills. It was just easier to think that, rather than the fact he's not in love with me.

I don't think he is. I don't take it personaly <-- Which is a surprise. I just don't think he's capable of love. There's no affection, no I love you's nada. Nothing initiated. Nothing felt. Just an irritable shadow of a man.

I'm convinced he's the poster child for male depression symptoms. I wrote him an email today, stating that I don't think he's in love etc... I said you should leave or go to a phychiatrist. Whatever, somethings got to give.

I should mention that he would turn it all around on me in the past. However, my sister has been stying here this past month and says "you're too patient, I would have blown up a while ago, he's like a ticking time bomb". My sister is very objective. I can count on her to see it like it is.

So, I told him that in my email also. That he can't turn it around on me because there's someone else witnessing it.

I have no idea how he'll react. If he'll come home and start packing or what.

I feel like a statistic. two people in recovery, one special needs three year old, of course it's doomed.

I want to have control and make everything okay. So a huge part of me just wants to have him come in and hug him and aplogize and forget it all. But that hasn't worked in the past. I'm afraid that marriage councelling would just have us spinning our wheels as this is a much bigger problem than simjply our marriage.

Anyway, thanks for reading. Writing certainly helps

coffeedrinker

I hope it doesn't tick you off that I (normally stay in "F & F forum) am responding.

In my Al-anon, we have many "double winners" - some of whom no longer attend AA, but only al-anon now that they have been sober for quite awhile.

I wish you the best...

intention

Hi Alizerin,

I am sorry to hear that things are really tough for you right now but you say you are a recovering alcoholic and you got people to 12 Step your husband, so I am assuming that you are working the AA 12 Step programme ??

That assumed, you need to sweep up your side of the street, is that not right?

You say that you emailed him today and gave him an ultimatum to leave.

If you were working the 12 Steps and truly following God's will, would you bring such a life changing decision (for 2 people) down to an email? Would you not have been sitting down, looking at him in the eyes with love, compassion yet with resolve in your voice to deliver this statement?

Step 7 prayer ....."grant me strength to go out of here to do your bidding"

If you were working the 12 Steps then you would have been saying words to that effect. Now I don't know what God's will is for you but I do know what it means by having the strength to do his bidding.

Some questions for you......


Did you talk this through with your sponsor?
Or another person working the 12 Steps who understands recovery?
Has your sister been giving you input on what to do?
Does she work the 12 Steps?
Has she (or someone) been firing up resentments in you by telling you, you are right and your husband has the problem?


As I said it is about sweeping up your side of the street. It's you who wants to be happy. It's you who needs to do your inventory, not your husband's.

Perhaps that's not what you want to hear but you know that is how the programme works. Ultimately being thoroughly honest with yourself and working all the 12 Steps will give you the answer and move your life in the direction of happiness.


Take care of yourself.

tkdan

Hey Alizerin, welcome to SR. I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I do not know if I have any advice to offer. I can relate to how miserable it can be just not drinking or using. Before I became active in AA I was so miserable when sober. I know you are unhappy and having a tough time, but he is really suffering too. I cannot say whether or not he loves you, but I do know that until I could love myself I could not love anyone else. If you found a marriage counsuler that had experience in recovery you would be surprised at how much they could help you guys work on this. I do not know if this is how he feels, but I know I hated life and myself, so every one around me paid the price for my misery. That is what makes this disease so horrible because of the damage it does to every one associated with the sufferer. You're right writing does help it always did for me.
Take care,
daniel

Ceres

Hello Intention, and thank you for responding.

Interesting, interpretation. Got me thinking and that's a good thing. I've tried to discuss these issues with my husband to no avail. He gets very defensive and walks out (literally). No matter how subtle I am. If he feels picked on, he gets mad. Sending an email was a last resort. Last night I asked him "what's going on, why do you seem so miserable. I'm not asking you as your wife but as a person genuinely concerned about you as a human being". His response was immediate anger and trying to turn it around on me. I could get into his complaints, but the main point is: I'm not falling for that anymore.

You're right about being concerned with my side of the street. I'm totally dragging my feet on getting right down to the nitty gritty. I know I need to put pen to paper. My concern is that I might see that it's really over. If that makes any sense. And I'm far from perfect, super far, super, super, far even.

Did you talk this through with your sponsor? Absolutely, she's been there through it all. She stays out pretty much. But did say three months ago that maybe it's time to move on. That bothered me. But, she's not a marriage councellor and she's know that.

Or another person working the 12 Steps who understands recovery? Yes, I have my set of girls to go to. They don't know him very well as he never wants to go anywhere, so they don't say much. They listen.

Has your sister been giving you input on what to do? No, my sister pretty much keeps to herself and only told me her observations when I asked her.

Does she work the 12 Steps? - Not my sister.

Has she (or someone) been firing up resentments in you by telling you, you are right and your husband has the problem? I had to look hard at this one, it's sort of yes and no. It's a relief to know I'm not so crazy. That I'm not imagining things because I'm "phycho". I think the resentments were there, but having them validated sure fired them up. That's a problem - a big problem today.

I'm super depressed, just now. Ewwwww... I hate that.

Ceres

Thank you Daniel,

I hope he can find the power to love himself. What's truly sad is that I saw it. I saw it for about a month after rehab. Then... *poof* it was gone. No reason I could figure. We went to seperate meetings. I honestly am perplexed as to why he left. He told me "AA isn't for everyone". Hard to argue with that. I respected his decision, but time has told another story - It might not be AA, but he seems to need something else that's outside of himself.

I know enough to know that I might not be able to do anything to make it better. But I do have the power to make it worse. I really don't want to do that.

I'm here posting as if there's going to be the most AWSOME response written! Some Girl or guy is going to write the POSTING of a lifetime and answer ALL my problems in one paragraph of awsome insightfulness!

Seriously, there's a sick little man in my head that really thinks that!

tkdan

Yes you are right about this. I cannot imagine what it must feel like to be in your situation.
There's nothing wrong with hoping for that magical response that solves everything. I hoped for it too, but what I got was a lot of support from some awesome and compassionate people here.
You have to take care of you. You seem to have a good grasp on the situation. Sometimes we have to take our hands off so God can have a hand in a situation. Easier said than done but true.
Hold your head up and keep doing the next right thing.

P.S. I think we all have that same sick little man in our heads...

barb dwyer

For me, I go a bit nuts if I don't get to a meeting every once in a while.

I see the 'dry drunk' traits forming in my everyday when I can't get there.

Even to just go, and say nothing.

It works.

Just wanted to congratulate you for staying in your own solution.

CarolD

Here is what I use for getting in balance
The Serenity Prayer

intention

Hi Alizerin,

I can relate to a lot of what you about your husband's behaviour. My ex wasn't an addict but he did behave like this, to the point of him being abusive every time I tried to talk to him....about anything, even the weather! Everything was my fault.

I later found out that this tactic of blaming me for everything was a smoke and mirrors ploy to keep me away from finding out the real problem. Concerned about his mental health, I literally dragged him to the physciatrist. Where he poured everything out, except the heart of the problem. A long time later I found out he was cheating on me.....almost living a seperate life.

That's not to say that this is going on here but what I did learn was that they are not going to tell you what's wrong unless they want to and they are not even going to tell a physciatrist what's wrong unless they want to.

I'm glad you are working on your 12 steps on this one. Your sponsor is right, maybe this is the end of the road. That's a tough one for you.

Issuing an ultimatum for his sake is not going to work. As alcoholics we know we only admit our problem when we decide enough is enough.

If you issue the ultimatum it has to be for your sake, in that you will be ready to move on if he does not take the other option of getting help and addressing issues.

Perhaps pen to paper is a good idea. Write down what your marriage is like in detail. How you feel loved, appreciated, how close, how happy, how hopeful for the future, how much you love him (try to determine if it is love or need), how much you want to be committed to him, how fulfilling it is etc etc. Have a good look at the truth and then acknowledge the problem. This is Step 1 powerlessness and unmangeability

Then on with the solution. It may help to actually do a step 4 inventory on your marriage/husband - resentments/fear/harms done.

And on with the rest. I've have recently been revisiting my Step 11 work and looking at God's will for me and really tuning into it .....rather than letting self keep control. I have found it very beneficial and answers are started to come through to me. Even just following the instructions for meditation word by word in the Big Book - I started a thread on Step 11 in the 12 step forum, the responses have been very helpful.

You could also make an appointment for marriage guidance. Give him the appointment time and tell him you would love for him to come with you then say no more. Just go on your own if he doesn't turn up - perhaps you need a skilled professional to help you through this decision. That's perfectly ok with AA.

I know it is painful not just going through this but having to be honest with yourself but, whatever the outcome, it will work out in the end. Take care

MeAndOnlyMe

Years ago, I was this same person. Untreated for the longest time, miserable all of the time, constant feelings of self-loathing when I could be bothered to feel anything at all. I finally received a diagnosis of clinical depression and, like admitting to being an alcoholic for the first time, a huge weight was lifted and I started, ever so slowly, down the path to recovery. It didn't happen immediately - I didn't jump out of bed the next morning, cured and ready to take on the world. Rather, I finally admitted that something was going on in my life that I could not address exclusively by myself, no matter how much that contradicted my ideals and way of living. I cried myself to sleep and woke the next day to simply start building and living my life again.

Medication, therapy, behavior modification - I won't get into any of this as it's all very person-specific and needs to be planned with qualified physicians.

Now, years later, I still have bouts with depression. What I have learned though is that like alcohol, I need to be very mindful of how I feel, what's going on both internally and externally and avoid situations and lines of thinking that could lead me back to where I was. This is how I approach drinking now as well: I may not be perfect 100% of the time and maybe I have a personality that can allow for that but I'm trying to be ever-mindful of the reasons I may have a drink and the reasons I may become depressed.

Good luck.

Boleo

I have no personal experience in this area except as a 3rd party observer. I have witnessed dozens of "recovered" alcoholics whose marriage fell apart after they "recovered".

My theory is (and it is just theory): As delusional thinking decreases, the reasons people got married in the first place fall apart.

meditation

What bothers me about being in recovery is that even when asking for help at times it always gets turned around that it is my problem not anybody else's. It's like being a rape victim and being blamed for being raped. I understand taking care of codie issues and setting boundaries and living honestly and with integrity in recovery. I don't always agree with the step program ways that the victim should be blamed.

Now having probably upset a good deal of people that see things differently, I think the only thing to do is set a boundary whether it is move out, him move out, seek counseling as a couple or something along those lines. If things don't change by a specified date then it's time for another boundary. Hugs to you.

Ceres

Thank you everyone.

Many thoughts to ponder. He came home last night around 10:00, I was already in bed. He asked me this morning to make an appointment for the doctors for him. So, that's something. He was in good spirits, as if everythings fine... By good spirits, I mean he was treating me with the common courtesy you would anyone. It's an improvement.

I don't think it's an affair. That would certainly be interesting tho. I think he's too tired to be. He works pretty late. And he's actually at work.

I've gotten some very good advice here. Thank you everyone.

Meditation: That's a most excellent idea to implement

"Now having probably upset a good deal of people that see things differently, I think the only thing to do is set a boundary whether it is move out, him move out, seek counseling as a couple or something along those lines. If things don't change by a specified date then it's time for another boundary."

Perhaps not exactly moving him out just yet. But the idea of setting a date is excellent. Setting, let's say a three month date to see if he is initiating change for the better. Which, by asking me to make a doctors appt. is. Then, if no change, go to plan B. I don't know what that is yet, but I will! I don't think I'll let him know that I have a date set and a plan B. I'll let it play out.

Or, I could make that counceling appointment and do what I'm told.

Since, I always get me in trouble with my own idea's I think the counceler would be it! So, I'll try that route. On Monday:

1.) Phychiatrist Appointment
2.) Marriage counceler

Meandonlyme:

"I finally received a diagnosis of clinical depression and, like admitting to being an alcoholic for the first time, a huge weight was lifted and I started, ever so slowly, down the path to recovery."

I could see that same thing happening here. When he got sober he cried for a week. All those emotions he couldn't feel for so many years.

All in all said, I don't think I married the wrong person. I believe he was meant to be my spouse. I could never call it a mistake. If it all were to end, He is still the father of my boys and being such, the most important male figure in my life. Probably will be no matter who I dated or remarried or whatever. Weird.