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Derailed!

Old 11-19-2009, 05:36 AM
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Derailed!

Hello Friends.

The last I was here was to celebrate my 1 year sobriety on Oct 20th.

On Oct 30, I was pregnant and we were going in for our 12 week Ultra sound. As soon as I looked at the screen my world as I knew it came crashing down. Our baby had stopped growing at 10 weeks, right after we heard the heartbeat. Devastation isn't even the word to express how I felt... a complete loss of words really. I was able to get a D&C that very day to remove the baby.

A year of sobriety in my pocket, and yet after this loss the first thing I thought of was I wanted to drink. Somehow, the strength I had for over a year was blinded by my need to mask the pain that i was feeling. It's so sad how quickly the alcoholic brain takes over. I told DH that urge and because HE never really considered me an alcoholic, he thought it was ok. I didn't drink right away, though I wanted to... Nov 6 I had my first glass of wine, home with DH watching a movie. I got tipsy... I liked it. All of a sudden I'm thinking... Oh I can do this... I can drink, I'll be fine. From that sip on, all I thought about was when I would drink next. Every day I woke up... am I gonna drink tonight? All the while trying to convince myself, I'm fine... I'm just thinking that way because I hadn't drank in so long. Nov 13 (last Friday) I went out with my DH for some drinks and apps.. had a good time, had 4 glasses of wine, got drunk. Next day woke up, feeling a little hungover... I thought, oh I didn't miss this at all. Later that day, I started wondering if we were gonna drink again that night. We didn't, only because DH wasn't. Sunday, from the time I woke up I knew I was gonna get drunk. I wanted to get drunk... once everyone came over to watch the games (1PM) I poured myself my first glass of wine. I was in a sad mood... I knew what my number one mission was. I got very drunk... I don't remember anything after 6... DH said I was slurring badly, and I was up in bed by 730 passing out. Monday Nov 16, I woke up at 3am knowing right away that I made a very big mistake, reminding myself again I AM AN ALCOHOLIC... my mind tricked me because of the sadness I felt after the loss of our baby. I woke up for the day and decided to hop back on that wagon and dedicate my life to being clean and sober again!

What am I gonna do differently this time you ask? I have decided to go to AA... which I did not do the last time... SR was my #1 help. I know I need more this time. I have a friend that I am going with to my first meeting this weekend. I'm really looking forward to it.

We found out the baby we lost had a 1 and 5 chance of having Trisomy, which is a type of down syndrome. It was a blessing in disguise... I understand that everything happens for a reason. I'm slowly healing... day by day it gets easier to cope with the loss.

I was scared of coming back to SR... felt like I was coming back with my tail between my legs... I start reading post thinking it will help, but it reminded me how disappointed I am in myself. I am trying to stay positive. I know I am making the right decision and I need to just take one day at a time.

Thanks for letting me share!!

Shannon
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Old 11-19-2009, 06:09 AM
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Welcome back Shannon, and you don't need to be scared. You have a lot of courage and the plans you have to get better sound good. you can make it, and I am sure ther will be alot of support here.
I am really sorry for your loss, i can't even pretend to be able to completey understand what you must have been trough.
I wish you all the best and that you can be happy again,
Hugs,
S.
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Old 11-19-2009, 06:31 AM
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FREAKING AWESOME!
 
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People who have relapsed are blessings to others too. I know that might be a little wierd to say but because of you today I am going to think about what my life might be like if I put a straw up my nose today because I know that I can't just do just one pill but there are days where it crosses our minds that maybe just one then we remind ourselves or others remind us.....one too many and a thousand is never enough.
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Old 11-19-2009, 07:11 AM
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Shannon,

You haven't failed until you give up. Chalk this up to a learning experience. A reminder of why you can't drink.

My husband didn't think I was an alcoholic either. I had to convince him. He still doesn't understand. His advice would be... "well, just don't drink so much and you'll be fine." LOL

I'm still trying to educate him on what happens to me when I drink... I have one drink and a switch turns on in my head that makes me a crazed possessed person... I have a one track mind to consume, consume, consume. If I know I can drink that day I also think about drinking all day anticipating it.
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Old 11-19-2009, 07:59 AM
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Originally Posted by LBW View Post
His advice would be... "well, just don't drink so much and you'll be fine." LOL.
We have the same husband!! haha... It took him awhile to really understand why I wanted to stop. Apparently he didn't remember all the times I stayed up until 5 in the morning, then having to get up at 630 to 'take care' of our son. Or the fighting we did so often because of my consumption.

When I told him on Monday that I was done again... he was very supportive. He said "if I had to choose, I like you better sober, you don't need to drink to have fun or be fun" This is very true.... I have more fun and I REMEMBER everything and never have a hangover!! haha

I am committed to this decision... and definitely will remember this time as my 'learning experience'... I now know I can never think that I can do it. I used the 'well I've grown a lot in this past year', I'll be better this time' UGH... DUH, you want to drink because you suffered a major loss... what made me think I would be BETTER?
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Old 11-19-2009, 08:15 AM
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((HUGS)) to you on your loss...

My hubby sounds like some others. Just don't drink as much, etc. He isn't an alkie,
so, he doesn't get it.

I had about 5 years of sobriety under my belt and thought this year, that I wasn't an alcoholic anymore. Convinced myself that I could drink socially. Needless to say, that experiment failed. I was not attending AA prior to this experiment...but, decided to after it.

It has been the single most important decision I have ever made. I wish I had made it years ago. I found people that were just like me..they understood why I couldn't have just one., or wanted to drink at inappropriate times. They spoke the same language as I.

I am finding new freedom and a new life in the rooms of AA....you can too.
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Old 11-19-2009, 08:40 AM
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anewaugust, thank you so much for posting! I forgot that we are all here for the same purpose and so many people are just like me. I was so ashamed to have 1 year of sobriety and then quickly forget why I stopped in the first place!

We now know thru trial and error that we must never go back to the bottle... NEVER EVER... we'll do it together!

I too have decided to attend AA. I am going with a friend this weekend... I'm not sure yet what to expect, I have been to meetings before. But this time it's different.... I am really serious about staying sober now. The last time I went was when I was 26 years old, thinking it will help me to 'slow' down my drinking. I feel I will be able to connect better this time, and learn from others just like me!
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Old 11-19-2009, 11:32 AM
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We are only and always one drink from a drunk. If we can build immunity against that first drink then we stand a chance. One is too many and a thousand isn't enough. I'm getting good at AA euphemisms.
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Old 11-19-2009, 11:46 AM
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Originally Posted by LBW View Post
Shannon,


My husband didn't think I was an alcoholic either. I had to convince him. He still doesn't understand. His advice would be... "well, just don't drink so much and you'll be fine." LOL

I'm still trying to educate him on what happens to me when I drink... I have one drink and a switch turns on in my head that makes me a crazed possessed person... I have a one track mind to consume, consume, consume. If I know I can drink that day I also think about drinking all day anticipating it.
Indeed. Until very recently I lived in an extremely alcoholic culture (nightclub employee/ all-around permissive lifestyle). Still, while some of my friends could easily take a week off and go to the country without drink for a week, I never could. I tried explaining that from that first drink...or from the desperation to erase a vicious hangover, my brain doesn't operate the way a normal drinker's does. It becomes a purpose-obsessed entity hell-bent on achieving a level of intoxication to when the world appears to regain the sheen it always had when I was a little kid. Some drink to lubricate social situations, sex life, or sporting event. I do those things, too, but once that first beer is down the hatch it really is, as you described, "a switch turning on."

As for the original poster, shaman422, you can be forgiven for reacting to extreme stress as you did. After all, stress and other mental weights are probably the overwhelming cause of all relapses. Don't beat yourself up over it. I've pissed away sobriety on far less things, such as a football game.
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Old 11-19-2009, 12:22 PM
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Welcome!!
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Old 11-20-2009, 08:37 AM
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Sorry to know of your loss

Welcome back to SR ...
Please keep moving forward
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Old 11-20-2009, 10:28 AM
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Hello Shannon and thank you so much for sharing. Part of several of my downward spirals were 3 A-topics (sp) and 2 miscarriages. And me thinking I was doing nothing to cause them. I drank, pretty much, from morning until I passed out. But that still wasn't as bad as it got and it could have been much worse.

I spent over, well over, 20 years drinking this way. My hope for you is that you get into AA and get it. One of my problems are that I never allowed myself to feel the real of what it was. I choose to cover pain, fear, etc..., with the drink. Today, I learning, one day at a time, to feel what I have to feel and when I'm finally at the other end of it, I'm always amazed at what I've learned.

A.A. has given me a new design for living.

Please let us know how you first meeting goes.
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