The man behind the drink
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 85
The man behind the drink
I've posted a bit in the Friends and Family section, and I guess I wanted the opinion of the folks that have been on the side of being the alcoholic.
I'm a girl that's in love with a guy with a problem. When we initially got together, things were great. We were doing the long distance thing (met online), but as we got closer a few months in, he was honest with me one afternoon about his problem. At that point, I had feelings for him, and wanted to be the supportive girlfriend. You know, I had illusions of being THE GIRL - the kind of girl every girl wants to be. You know the one - the one that helps them through the rough time. The one that's with them through the worst, and you get to come out the other side in sun rays, surrounded by kitties and lillies and stuff! As time went on, he became more comfortable with me, and more comfort meant more uninhibited, which eventually lead to him being a jerk one night to be when we talked on the phone. He was appalled at what he said the next day (he couldn't remember, but I was sure to inform him. :P ) and said he knew he had a serious problem and should get some help. He went as far as to contact a program through work, who recommended AA. He got as far as jotting down the nearest AA meeting on a piece of paper and keeping it on his desk, but that's it. He never did wind up going.
We used to have sober conversations about why he was afraid to get help. I read some of the forum postings about what to expect with withdrawls, and the mental side of it - all that stuff pretty much hits it all on the nose. He's afraid of who he'll be without the drink. I think he's afraid of being ordinary. Will people still like him? Things like that.
As time went on, things got worse. I did nothing but worry, all the time, about how much he was drinking. When we talked at night, he'd always be drunk. I'd wonder if he even remembered half the crap he was saying. It was hell, on that end of it. The upswing was, we'd spend a lot of time together when he was sober, and that's the guy that I fell in love with. We went camping for a week out in the woods, no booze. He went throught DTs, had a heckuva time with everything, but he did well and we had a great time, and I was reminded again, why I loved this man. He's a good man. Sweet, kind, funny, smart, talented.. It's just too bad he doesn't see these things in himself, like I do.
Our relationship was deteriorating, and he knew this. I know that he hated it, and hated what his problem was doing to us, so he'd decided on his own volition, to set up a date that he'd go get help by. He said he just needed some time to wrap his mind around what it would be like to quit. How he'd tackle it. I think he was looking at it in the global picture, rather than day by day, minute by minute - and I know it scared the hell out of him. He seemed intent on doing it, and I believed with every fiber of my being, that we'd make it.
Two weeks before he was due to seek help, I received a phone call from him, where he proceeded to end our relationship. It was apparent to me as to why - he didn't want to give up the drink. Instead, he made it about us and how incompatible we were. There were things that bothered him about me - I wasn't critical enough, I wasn't this, I wasn't that - and it wasn't anything I did wrong, it was just character flaws that didn't mesh well with his, supposedly. We'd been together a year at that point. I was devastated.
It's been awhile, since all this went down - about thirteen months, in fact. We still keep in touch a bit, mostly online. I did go to his city this last summer, and stayed with him for five days. One thing he brought to the table was introducing me to a city I fell in love with, but admittedly, I wanted to check in on him. See how he was. How he was, wasn't surprising. This time around, he didn't have to mask anything - why would he? He didn't have me to impress anymore. He was drunk every night that I was there, things happened, if you will, and I think we both were struggling - me, partially because I missed the man that I fell in love with - and am still in love with, to this day. I missed the guy I used to lay next to, who used to hold my hand. Who I used to joke about having batman wedding napkins at our reception, if we got married, heh. I missed the guy that used to caress my face when we fell asleep. I even missed the silly annoying foot thing he used to do just before he'd drift off. I layed next to him in that bed, thinking, "Where the hell is this man? I never see him anymore, and I miss him so much." I know that he still has feelings for me, too, and I think he feels like he's doing me some favour by ending us. He knows it's not about our incompatibilities, he knows it's about his problem, and he feels like I can do better than him. He'll say things like, "I'm in no position to have a kid, or buy a house. You don't need my problems." There's the part of me that feels angry - the part that wants to shake him and say, "We could have our Batman wedding napkins if you'd put down the goddamn bottle! YOU could be the man to give me all this that you say I deserve!"
I'm not a desperate woman. I'm not a girl that needs to have a man in her life, to be happy. I haven't had countless relationships that always ended badly. Please don't get me wrong - I've got issues, otherwise I wouldn't be here. I'm codependent, for sure. (Picked up a book, gonna crack it open tonight.)
I just worry a lot about him, and I miss the man I fell in love with. I don't have any grand illusions here. I know the reality is, I don't see that guy much anymore, he's been replaced for now. But the humanitarian part of me, deep down in my soul, feels like I can't just... bail on him. I can't just say You know what? Screw you, drunky. Because deep down, to his core - that's who I fell in love with. Somewhere deep down beyond all the booze, is a guy who's weak and absolutely terrified. He's got a good soul. He's just sick.
We're not even together anymore, we talk like once a week. I feel like I sound crazy, like I'm some sort of ex-girlfriend that can't get over the guy that ditched her. I just know there's more to it than this, and I would bet my life on the fact that he misses me as much as I miss him - he just can't give me anything, because he's essentially chosen the drink over me. I realize it's not that simple, but. You know what I mean, black and white terms, that's what's up.
Do I sound pathetic? Maybe. I know I feel pretty lame. A friend of mine - former addict - basically told me that any girl he had in his life with a shred of self esteem is gone already. (Basically saying I have zero self esteem. I don't find this to be the case.) I'm just a girl who's in love with a man who's really sick. We used to talk about one of the things that we loved about one another is that we kept eachother in check. Kept eachother on the level - even if it meant kicking eachother's arses a bit.
I want the man I fell in love with, back. I want my Batman napkins, and the annoying foot thing back. I know that I may never get it. Is there anything I can do, at all? Talking to him, bring up why I like him sober? Anything at all? I know I cannot cure him. I have no illusions here, I'm not naive enough to think I can save him. Everyone says I need to walk and find myself a new guy that can treat me good, and it's so effing frustrating. I gotta be honest with you. I mean, I know it doesn't work this way, but I feel frustrated because if we weren't dealing w/ this issue? We'd likely be married right now. We're great for eachother. It's just that the alcohol's not great for me. And maybe that's all it comes down to, I dunno.
Blah.
I'm a girl that's in love with a guy with a problem. When we initially got together, things were great. We were doing the long distance thing (met online), but as we got closer a few months in, he was honest with me one afternoon about his problem. At that point, I had feelings for him, and wanted to be the supportive girlfriend. You know, I had illusions of being THE GIRL - the kind of girl every girl wants to be. You know the one - the one that helps them through the rough time. The one that's with them through the worst, and you get to come out the other side in sun rays, surrounded by kitties and lillies and stuff! As time went on, he became more comfortable with me, and more comfort meant more uninhibited, which eventually lead to him being a jerk one night to be when we talked on the phone. He was appalled at what he said the next day (he couldn't remember, but I was sure to inform him. :P ) and said he knew he had a serious problem and should get some help. He went as far as to contact a program through work, who recommended AA. He got as far as jotting down the nearest AA meeting on a piece of paper and keeping it on his desk, but that's it. He never did wind up going.
We used to have sober conversations about why he was afraid to get help. I read some of the forum postings about what to expect with withdrawls, and the mental side of it - all that stuff pretty much hits it all on the nose. He's afraid of who he'll be without the drink. I think he's afraid of being ordinary. Will people still like him? Things like that.
As time went on, things got worse. I did nothing but worry, all the time, about how much he was drinking. When we talked at night, he'd always be drunk. I'd wonder if he even remembered half the crap he was saying. It was hell, on that end of it. The upswing was, we'd spend a lot of time together when he was sober, and that's the guy that I fell in love with. We went camping for a week out in the woods, no booze. He went throught DTs, had a heckuva time with everything, but he did well and we had a great time, and I was reminded again, why I loved this man. He's a good man. Sweet, kind, funny, smart, talented.. It's just too bad he doesn't see these things in himself, like I do.
Our relationship was deteriorating, and he knew this. I know that he hated it, and hated what his problem was doing to us, so he'd decided on his own volition, to set up a date that he'd go get help by. He said he just needed some time to wrap his mind around what it would be like to quit. How he'd tackle it. I think he was looking at it in the global picture, rather than day by day, minute by minute - and I know it scared the hell out of him. He seemed intent on doing it, and I believed with every fiber of my being, that we'd make it.
Two weeks before he was due to seek help, I received a phone call from him, where he proceeded to end our relationship. It was apparent to me as to why - he didn't want to give up the drink. Instead, he made it about us and how incompatible we were. There were things that bothered him about me - I wasn't critical enough, I wasn't this, I wasn't that - and it wasn't anything I did wrong, it was just character flaws that didn't mesh well with his, supposedly. We'd been together a year at that point. I was devastated.
It's been awhile, since all this went down - about thirteen months, in fact. We still keep in touch a bit, mostly online. I did go to his city this last summer, and stayed with him for five days. One thing he brought to the table was introducing me to a city I fell in love with, but admittedly, I wanted to check in on him. See how he was. How he was, wasn't surprising. This time around, he didn't have to mask anything - why would he? He didn't have me to impress anymore. He was drunk every night that I was there, things happened, if you will, and I think we both were struggling - me, partially because I missed the man that I fell in love with - and am still in love with, to this day. I missed the guy I used to lay next to, who used to hold my hand. Who I used to joke about having batman wedding napkins at our reception, if we got married, heh. I missed the guy that used to caress my face when we fell asleep. I even missed the silly annoying foot thing he used to do just before he'd drift off. I layed next to him in that bed, thinking, "Where the hell is this man? I never see him anymore, and I miss him so much." I know that he still has feelings for me, too, and I think he feels like he's doing me some favour by ending us. He knows it's not about our incompatibilities, he knows it's about his problem, and he feels like I can do better than him. He'll say things like, "I'm in no position to have a kid, or buy a house. You don't need my problems." There's the part of me that feels angry - the part that wants to shake him and say, "We could have our Batman wedding napkins if you'd put down the goddamn bottle! YOU could be the man to give me all this that you say I deserve!"
I'm not a desperate woman. I'm not a girl that needs to have a man in her life, to be happy. I haven't had countless relationships that always ended badly. Please don't get me wrong - I've got issues, otherwise I wouldn't be here. I'm codependent, for sure. (Picked up a book, gonna crack it open tonight.)
I just worry a lot about him, and I miss the man I fell in love with. I don't have any grand illusions here. I know the reality is, I don't see that guy much anymore, he's been replaced for now. But the humanitarian part of me, deep down in my soul, feels like I can't just... bail on him. I can't just say You know what? Screw you, drunky. Because deep down, to his core - that's who I fell in love with. Somewhere deep down beyond all the booze, is a guy who's weak and absolutely terrified. He's got a good soul. He's just sick.
We're not even together anymore, we talk like once a week. I feel like I sound crazy, like I'm some sort of ex-girlfriend that can't get over the guy that ditched her. I just know there's more to it than this, and I would bet my life on the fact that he misses me as much as I miss him - he just can't give me anything, because he's essentially chosen the drink over me. I realize it's not that simple, but. You know what I mean, black and white terms, that's what's up.
Do I sound pathetic? Maybe. I know I feel pretty lame. A friend of mine - former addict - basically told me that any girl he had in his life with a shred of self esteem is gone already. (Basically saying I have zero self esteem. I don't find this to be the case.) I'm just a girl who's in love with a man who's really sick. We used to talk about one of the things that we loved about one another is that we kept eachother in check. Kept eachother on the level - even if it meant kicking eachother's arses a bit.
I want the man I fell in love with, back. I want my Batman napkins, and the annoying foot thing back. I know that I may never get it. Is there anything I can do, at all? Talking to him, bring up why I like him sober? Anything at all? I know I cannot cure him. I have no illusions here, I'm not naive enough to think I can save him. Everyone says I need to walk and find myself a new guy that can treat me good, and it's so effing frustrating. I gotta be honest with you. I mean, I know it doesn't work this way, but I feel frustrated because if we weren't dealing w/ this issue? We'd likely be married right now. We're great for eachother. It's just that the alcohol's not great for me. And maybe that's all it comes down to, I dunno.
Blah.
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
hi -
reading this was like reading one of my marriages or something.
Parts of it, that is.
I'm going to let you in on something
that took me years to carve out of my own inner world.
Because you sound so muchlike me -
Every man I married -
I was not in love with.
I was in ,love with the IDEAS of who I thought he COULD or MIGHT be.
But ... not with him.
How do you grieve the loss
of a man
who never was?
I think
once the initial pain passes.
you'll find
that I'm pretty much right in this.
I tell you
to save you the trouble and heartache
of doing the same thing
with womeone else.
I hope for you
that you'll find a man or a partner
who is ALREADY the embodiement
of his potential.
Someone you can be in love with
just as they are every day.
best wishes
reading this was like reading one of my marriages or something.
Parts of it, that is.
I'm going to let you in on something
that took me years to carve out of my own inner world.
Because you sound so muchlike me -
Every man I married -
I was not in love with.
I was in ,love with the IDEAS of who I thought he COULD or MIGHT be.
But ... not with him.
How do you grieve the loss
of a man
who never was?
I think
once the initial pain passes.
you'll find
that I'm pretty much right in this.
I tell you
to save you the trouble and heartache
of doing the same thing
with womeone else.
I hope for you
that you'll find a man or a partner
who is ALREADY the embodiement
of his potential.
Someone you can be in love with
just as they are every day.
best wishes
The New Me starting 1/11/09
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: California
Posts: 678
Hi Grrl77 -
I am sorry for your loss and I am sorry for your pain.
I don't know how to say this gently, but, you are probably much better off. I know you have been reading in the friends and family section. As I read about what Tigger is going through right now and the pain it causes, I would ask myself what person is worth that pain?
An active alcoholic cares only about themself. He chose alcohol over you, but perhaps, deep down, this was the good part of him making sure that you could live a healthy life away from him.
I am sorry for the blunt words, but SR is about empathy with some tough love. I wish you well.
I am sorry for your loss and I am sorry for your pain.
I don't know how to say this gently, but, you are probably much better off. I know you have been reading in the friends and family section. As I read about what Tigger is going through right now and the pain it causes, I would ask myself what person is worth that pain?
An active alcoholic cares only about themself. He chose alcohol over you, but perhaps, deep down, this was the good part of him making sure that you could live a healthy life away from him.
I am sorry for the blunt words, but SR is about empathy with some tough love. I wish you well.
Laozi Old Man
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Detroit, MI
Posts: 6,665
Originally Posted by grrl77 
Two weeks before he was due to seek help, I received a phone call from him, where he proceeded to end our relationship. It was apparent to me as to why - he didn't want to give up the drink...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 85
I know. But a part of me knows that deep down, he hates where he is. He wants the same stuff everyone else wants - a house, a wife, a kid... He just knows he can't have it, and drink. And that makes me sad. It'd probably be easier if I knew he just didn't care, you know? I know he does, and I know it kills him to know he can't give me what I need.
But then again, I guess if it killed him that much, he'd quit, right? Maybe Im just convincing myself of something that's just not there.
But then again, I guess if it killed him that much, he'd quit, right? Maybe Im just convincing myself of something that's just not there.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: uk
Posts: 2,548
Do I sound pathetic?
its easy for me to sit here and give you the bulk standard and if I'm honest sensible answer........run kid..........and keep running.
But i dont feel your feelings......
i have my experience if it helps but of course its from the alcoholics perspective.
Her name was Donna........man this girl was stunning in looks and personality.
she loved me with all she had......i loved her more than life its self.
planning to marry......me and Donna were like spoons in a draw....we just fit together.
Me and donna loved to drink and have fun........only she never knew.. that the drinking i was doing with her......was a warm up for the drinking i did when she was asleep..or at work.....or where ever.
long story short.......donna tried for a few years to help me..
only for me to destroy her piece by piece until the poor thing had nothing left to give.
she did finally give up trying.........now on anti depressants and a shadow of whom she used to be.
the life blood sucked out of her.......the last time i saw her she couldn't stop crying and was being comforted by her family after years of my mental abuse
and disregard for her and everything to do with her.
That is difficult for me to share......part of me still loves her.......even though Ive re-married......if you understand that.
once the fog lifted and i took a good long look at myself......i was filled with guilt shame and despair for a long time...
theres a part of me that will never forgive myself.....to be honest i dont want to.
She remains the only amends left to make today.
because i may do her more harm by approaching her....she deserves a life where she will never see or hear from me again.
a strong voice somewhere in the back of my mind tells me to leave the girl in peace.
recently this has become something on my mind again......should i?
is it the right thing to do?
is this an ammends.........or is it mixed up with my own b.s
How do i approach this with my now wife?.......ive been honest with her 100%
and she knows how i felt about Donna.
sorry I'm digressing......i just wanted to share that with you.
fundamentally i suppose I'm trying to say.....i chose booze over sweet Donna every time.....
even though she and i where everything i ever wanted.
Its not about you........booze for an alcoholic is way bigger than you....life itself sadly sometimes.
The romantic part of me........the bit that still loves Donna say keep trying.
then i remember what my drinking did to her........and part of me says run and keep running.
god bless you.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 456
This story really hits home.. It's almost as if you are talking about me and my wife...
Long distance.. Internet.. The whole thing... I asked her to marry me drunk as a skunk, and somehow through a 3 month binge.. We were married..
As shocking as it sounds, we've been happily married for 2 1/2 years.. A couple bumps, and I told her about my problem, she accepted it (I guess enabled it)...
She's never told me to quit, but I decided back in July to quit on my own, she said something like "yeah right".. I did and stayed sober for 35 days or so.. Then started the sneaking thing, which did lead to some problems when she caught me... Quit again for a couple more weeks.. And didn't sneak when I picked it back up.. I told her I wouldn't lie (sneak) anymore...
Well, now after a 2 week bender (about 6 liters of vodka later).. I'm on day 2 sober... This post helps a lot..
I have been out of work with the worse diarreha ever.. And I have to quit atleast until a week from Monday because I have blood work being done and I want to see what my real liver count is.. The last 2 times they were in the 240-300 range (SUPER HIGH)... But I was drinking all the way through those tests, so its hard to tell....
Not sure if this helps at all.. But I do sound a lot like your ex-bf...
I'm quite sure if my wife had told me in the beginning, quit or we're not getting married.. I'd be a lonely man right now.. She had experience with alcoholics in her family and knew the only way I would quit is if I WANTED to.. And I guess she loved me enough to move forward.. She told me God told her to marry me and move all the way down here and start her life over....
Long distance.. Internet.. The whole thing... I asked her to marry me drunk as a skunk, and somehow through a 3 month binge.. We were married..
As shocking as it sounds, we've been happily married for 2 1/2 years.. A couple bumps, and I told her about my problem, she accepted it (I guess enabled it)...
She's never told me to quit, but I decided back in July to quit on my own, she said something like "yeah right".. I did and stayed sober for 35 days or so.. Then started the sneaking thing, which did lead to some problems when she caught me... Quit again for a couple more weeks.. And didn't sneak when I picked it back up.. I told her I wouldn't lie (sneak) anymore...
Well, now after a 2 week bender (about 6 liters of vodka later).. I'm on day 2 sober... This post helps a lot..
I have been out of work with the worse diarreha ever.. And I have to quit atleast until a week from Monday because I have blood work being done and I want to see what my real liver count is.. The last 2 times they were in the 240-300 range (SUPER HIGH)... But I was drinking all the way through those tests, so its hard to tell....
Not sure if this helps at all.. But I do sound a lot like your ex-bf...
I'm quite sure if my wife had told me in the beginning, quit or we're not getting married.. I'd be a lonely man right now.. She had experience with alcoholics in her family and knew the only way I would quit is if I WANTED to.. And I guess she loved me enough to move forward.. She told me God told her to marry me and move all the way down here and start her life over....
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: portland, oregon
Posts: 59
no...
I feel your pain for i am in a similar situation. I left for the same reasons you did and miss him terribly. I miss the man he was when he was sober not the man who he was when he was drinking. He was verbally abusive to me and to his own kids. I know i did the right thing but i know part of me wishes things could have been different. Deep down i know that the only way things will ever change is for him to realize on his own that he needs help. I cant fix him or save him from anything. I am strong enough to know that until he sees the problem his life will continue down the same path. I had to get out before i lost myself. I find myself wondering what might have been but the reality is nothing was ever going to change. Alcohol is the drug he uses to forget the pain from when he was at war. He is still mentally in afghanistan. I tried to pull him back and make him see that he wasnt in a war anymore but he needs more help then i can give. I know you could probably use a friend right now, i know i could. I havent told anyone about the things he has done. I am too ashamed of myself and putting up with it. I wish you peace in your life.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
veracious.....Welcome to SR and our Alcoholism Forum
Sorry to know of this painful situation.
You found our Friends & Family Forum too
You will find a lot of support and understanding on SR
Glad to know you are here...
Sorry to know of this painful situation.
You found our Friends & Family Forum too
You will find a lot of support and understanding on SR
Glad to know you are here...
JTinStLouis
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: St Louis, MO
Posts: 115
This is a painful and hard situation for sure, I know because I am that guy. Over time it became clear to me that I would have nothing if I chose to continue to drink and use. It was not obvious to me while it was happening, however once I sought help and learned of my desease it became clear the path I would now be on. It was very hard on my relationship as well, at the time I chose to go to treatment I had a little girl who was not a year old yet and tunred 1 year 10 days after I returned from treatment. What I can say is it can be hard for anyone, however my own daughter was not enough at the time. I am not sad anymore and I have learned to be a better person and in many more ways than just not drinking or using, I wish you the best just keep asking questions and sharing as you will find a lot of great help and support here,.
JT
JT
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