Choppy

thanks everyone. appreciated.

having not drank for a few months ive started to realise why i drank. like having ive always had problems in social situations, i would often panic and freak out. i was a shy type, and i guess when i drank for the first time i realised it numbed those feelings and allowed me toi be comfortable in those previously anxious situations. and over the coming years it got out of control. at my worst i needed to drink at 5am in the morning just to be half cut to go to work cause i hated my job.
being sober and not working for a few months ive realised how much my previous employment ate away at me. it was a career i didnt want to pursue. im 27 this year and im currently looking at doing some study and i fill alot of my time doing volenteer work which has also helped me immensly, ive met some really good people doing so.
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also at some point down the track i am really interested in helping youth with alcohol or other substance problems, as i have 1st hand experience i think i have alot of knowledge and that could be of help.

again thanks for the nice comments people

Choppy

im totally with you on that. thats still how i feel, not as much though. thats the area im working on with my therapist. cause i had such strong negative feelings towards myself i was convinced the way i felt was how others saw me. its a **** way to be thats for sure.

C2H5OH_Free

It's been over 2 years for me, and I still have anxiety around the BBQ grill.:rotfxko

Cooking in general was difficult, but I'm back to normal there, but every time I cookout, well, it's still weird.

keithj

Sounds normal as hell to me, Choppy. I had a very different reaction to booze than a lot of normal drinkers. When they have a few, they feel a little tipsy, maybe even a little nauseated, and a little out of control. That feeling is not all that pleasant, and they moderate their drinking.

I, on the other hand, have a few, and I felt invigorated. I feel like getting up and going to town PARTY! I feel inspired, my ideas are better, I finally see the world clearly, and all my best ideas start coming. It's the only way I feel truly ALIVE.

Without the booze, I was just like you describe. Restless, irritable, and discontent. Or in my case, bored, angry, and flat. Life just sucked and didn't hold a lot of interest for me. And I would always return to the bottle to regain that inspired feeling.

Problem was, that inspired, alive feeling had stopped being acheivable for me years before I stopped drinking. I was chasing ghosts, trying to get that back. All drinking was bringing me then was misery, self-pity, despair. But I still chased that feeling.

What I found by taking the 12 Steps and having that psychic change, or spiritual awakening, was a life fulfilled beyond my dreams. There it was, that inspiration, passion, and purpose I had been seeking for so long. I didn't know that feeling was possible to have in my life. I didn't know that what I have now even existed. I couldn't know it until I knew it.

I just wanted to stop drinking, and the 12 Steps was the only thing I found that worked for that. All the rest was a surprise for me. But in looking back, I've come to appreciate that the new life is the real payoff. Not drinking is just a side benefit of that new life. It's a transformative experience that has shaped how I relate to the world.

bozo123

Only been dry for eight days but man was it difficult getting through last weekend. I was so bored.

Everything "fun" thing I did/do in life was better with a drink. Grilling - better, watching sports - better, yardwork - better, washing car - better, surfing intenet - better.

Problem I have now is that there isn't anything I want to do because it all involved alcohol. Again, the boredom is just killing me.

I am not stupid in that I know and hope things will get better in the months to come.

Also - what makes it hard is that I don't think I am a full fledged alcoholic just yet but heading in that direction. What I mean is that after my daily 6 - 10 drinks (4 days a week) I knew when to shut it down for the day. I never drank myself to sleep or blacked out or needed a drink during the day but I could see I may get to that down the road.

My emotions tell me to go ahead and live a fun life with drink but my mind tells me otherwise.

DanielP

That describes me too. A couple drinks and the torch is lit. It puts a different editor in your head that begins thinking everything you're doing and thinking is brilliant. If you were lucky enough in your drinking career to "drink and text" or email, you've got your evidence that maybe it wasn't so brilliant after all. Not at all.

Boleo

One of the things that I feared most when I stopped drinking was the sneaky suspicion that I would never be happy again. Turns out I was right. I have not experienced one millisecond of happiness since. What I now experience is joy.

Where happiness was singular - joy is plural.

Fluffhead72

This is my greatest fear, I think. Who will I be in a new sober world?

I've been trying to remember myself before I started drinking...soooo long ago....wow.

I remember myself: I was awesome!

But thinking back on that person seems like I'm watching someone else's home movie.

Drinking has been such a huge part of my life for SO LONG (and still is, if hours devoted to thinking about it count). Either I'm drinking, planning to drink or spending the day feeling like **** because of drinking. Sadly, that's been my life the last 15 years or so.

Who am I without booze?

I guess that's the big question that needs to be answered because that's the thing I'm going to be working towards each day, the big prize: Being the new, better, REAL me.

CarolD

Fluffhead72..
Welcome to SR and to our Alcoholism forum

Thanks for joining with us
Yes! you too can win over alcohol...

Fluffhead72

Thanks for the welcome. I've been reading threads in the forums here for a few weeks and it's been tremendously helpful & illuminating, particularly in helping to quiet the rationalizing voice in my head.

LimaCharlie

This was/is me to a T. I'm two months in and it is getting better but things do seem fairly flat most of the time, relative to the past anyway. I figure it took a long time to get to this point, it will take some time to readjust.

Zonked

I think that's also what part of me is scared of, the boredom. The alcohol covers the emotionals problems I'm having, and can also animate me in certain ways, I write more and better because I don't have my thoughts dragging me down (until the next day, when they attack in droves during the hangover phase). I'm scared if I completely gave up, I'd be trapped with my OCD mind and wouldn't be able to approach life from a carefree perspective.

But, when you're basically living like a tramp, trapped in the same routine for three works, doing the same thing every night (getting drunk) and feeling yourself gradually get more and more unhealthy...it's not good, is it?

Thank heavens I'm back at work next week, this three weeks has been some tedious hell!

nocoincidence56

3 yrs 3 months and I continue to learn how to live and enjoy life; of course I used for 40 years, so there is a lot of "learning how to live" I missed. The brain takes time to balance out after extended periods of using.
It will get better!
Another thing to consider; you are getting down to "causes and conditions", possibly encountering those things which existed before you started drinking. For me, I had all the behaviors when I was very young, an internal conflict whispering how I wasn't good enough coupled with a lot of other family of origin stuff. I only later threw drugs and alcohol on it (like an endless supply of gas) and life became hell (only my denial system had me convinced I could be happy if I continued to use) and all those things which could be pleasurable without using were powerfully linked to using, and the behavioral connections were set.

Having said all that, I simply want to encourage you to stick to your program of recovery, through it, you will go beyond the associated behaviors and realize life is fun, just not in the same way as when you were drunk.
Remember, the old trickster is still there, waiting to whisper in your ear again and again, "It will be better drunk", "You will never enjoy life as well as you could drunk", on and on.... Such a useless cycle of misery.
Through the steps, or whatever type of recovery you choose to use, your behaviors will change along with your self esteem: That is only if you seriously live your program. There are many who have years and years of being dry, yet, they are some of the most miserable people I have ever met because all they are doing is just not drinking/using. There is so much more to just not drinking or using, and you will discover them if you commit to change.


Stay focused. Don't let up. Remain committed. Keep using all of the recovery tools at your disposal. Don't be afraid to change. Keep coming back!

postparty82

Just remember that after a long term addiction that many of us have had, we desensitized our dopamine receptors (which is what makes us feel pleasure) by sythetically overtaxing our brain with all that chemicals. I'm not sure if we are able to heal that naturally or not. I know there are many psychotropic drugs available that will help with this if you are interested.

For me, I actually feel a bit more excited about things now than I did as an alcoholic. I used to attend things I love like baseball games, poker games, concerts, etc and worry more about how drunk I was gonna get and if I was going to get back home in time to drink alone before work the next day. Now I enjoy seeing things sober, remembering them, and living a more "normal" life.