I need a change...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: CA
Posts: 5
I need a change...
Hello everyone,
I'm new to this forum and am really glad I found it. I won't go into my whole story or anything like that, but I will say that I have been sober since July 6, 2008. This isn't my first try at sobriety, but I'm hopefull it will be my last.
That brings me to my topic: change. See, when I first started getting sober I was super motivated. I went to a lot of AA meetings, met a great sponsor, and even started working the steps with him. Right at step 3, one of my worst character defects came out, which is when people start getting close and I start to lower my defenses, I withdraw and push them away.
So now I'm at just around 15 months of sober time, but it's getting really tough because I don't have very much support anymore. I have a really difficult time meeting new people and making new friends because of that internal chatter that says "C'mon Kyle, once they get to know you they're not going to like you". It sounds crazy, and I know it's totally irrational, but I still find myself not going up and introducing myself because of it.
Anyways, I guess I'm just looking for some experiences on what others did to make healthy changes, meet new people, and really start enjoying their sober life! Don't get me wrong, I don't dislike my sober life at all and the thought of going back out has not crossed my mind in a long time, but I know there can be so much more to this. Any feedback will be greatly appreciated.
Thank you,
Kyle
I'm new to this forum and am really glad I found it. I won't go into my whole story or anything like that, but I will say that I have been sober since July 6, 2008. This isn't my first try at sobriety, but I'm hopefull it will be my last.
That brings me to my topic: change. See, when I first started getting sober I was super motivated. I went to a lot of AA meetings, met a great sponsor, and even started working the steps with him. Right at step 3, one of my worst character defects came out, which is when people start getting close and I start to lower my defenses, I withdraw and push them away.
So now I'm at just around 15 months of sober time, but it's getting really tough because I don't have very much support anymore. I have a really difficult time meeting new people and making new friends because of that internal chatter that says "C'mon Kyle, once they get to know you they're not going to like you". It sounds crazy, and I know it's totally irrational, but I still find myself not going up and introducing myself because of it.
Anyways, I guess I'm just looking for some experiences on what others did to make healthy changes, meet new people, and really start enjoying their sober life! Don't get me wrong, I don't dislike my sober life at all and the thought of going back out has not crossed my mind in a long time, but I know there can be so much more to this. Any feedback will be greatly appreciated.
Thank you,
Kyle
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: london, england
Posts: 184
all i can give is my experience, and that is, i never got to enjoy my recovery until i surrendered and excepted that another alcoholic could and would help me through the steps.
low self worth, low self esteem is part of what we suffer with and this is common with nearly all alcoholics. its the illness telling you that you not worth it. try to get passed these thoughts and work with a sponsor. its been the best thing i have done by far. i now have a great life and love my sobriety.
it was not always like that.
it only happened when i put my hand out asked for help, then excepted it.
welcome kickerscrt,
may you god keep you safe on your journey.
god bless.
low self worth, low self esteem is part of what we suffer with and this is common with nearly all alcoholics. its the illness telling you that you not worth it. try to get passed these thoughts and work with a sponsor. its been the best thing i have done by far. i now have a great life and love my sobriety.
it was not always like that.
it only happened when i put my hand out asked for help, then excepted it.
welcome kickerscrt,
may you god keep you safe on your journey.
god bless.
Well, I'm on my way
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: El Paso, Texas
Posts: 276
Hi Kyle,
Heavens, I know that feeling. I was morbidly shy as a child and not much better as a middle-aged woman. People can and do tell me how much I am liked and this good thing and that good thing about me. (I guess they can see my low self-esteem or something). I don't really think I believe them.
It's sad, you know. By isolating ourselves with this fear, we cheat ourselves out of friendship and support of others, and we also cheat others out of all the really good things we have to offer.
SR is a great place for support. I love it here. But face-to-face human contact is also important. Maybe you could open up just a little and let someone help.
Good to meet you!
Heavens, I know that feeling. I was morbidly shy as a child and not much better as a middle-aged woman. People can and do tell me how much I am liked and this good thing and that good thing about me. (I guess they can see my low self-esteem or something). I don't really think I believe them.
It's sad, you know. By isolating ourselves with this fear, we cheat ourselves out of friendship and support of others, and we also cheat others out of all the really good things we have to offer.
SR is a great place for support. I love it here. But face-to-face human contact is also important. Maybe you could open up just a little and let someone help.
Good to meet you!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 3,095
Originally Posted by Kickerscrt 
Anyways, I guess I'm just looking for some experiences on what others did to make healthy changes, meet new people, and really start enjoying their sober life!
What I did was finish the steps, each and every one of them, to the best of my ability.
Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of that, I made healthy changes, met new people and have satisfying, fulfuilling relationships, and enjoy life more than I ever had.
Prior to that, I was just not drinking and everything sucked. And then I would drink again and start this whole nonsense over.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: CA
Posts: 5
Originally Posted by chrisinaustin
Hey Kicker -- Welcome
I take it that was the point where you stopped working the steps? Are you still in touch with your sponsor? Do you think you'd be ready to start working them again?
I take it that was the point where you stopped working the steps? Are you still in touch with your sponsor? Do you think you'd be ready to start working them again?
There have been a few times where I've swallowed my pride and tried to give him a call but there was no answer. I did leave messages, but he never called back so I'm not sure if he's upset at me, or if there are other things going on with him. I sure hope he didn't go back out!
To answer you last question, I am 100% ready to start working the steps again. What I'm doing now is just keeping me dry, but there's really no growth being made. I have started going back to meetings to try to meet a new sponsor, but haven't had any luck yet.
For those of you who do have sponsees, here's a question for you. If your sponsee went out of contact for a long time like I have done, and then he/she called you up again, would you be offended? The reason I ask that, is because I'd really like to reconnect with that sponsor as he was really good! He had the type of sober life I want to have. Unfortunately, the guilt I feel for pushing him away prevents me from calling him...that, and I have this thought that he's going to be really upset and won't want to work with me. So I don't know if I should just find a new one, or try a couple more times to get in touch with him?
Thanks for your input!
Kyle
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Austin, TX
Posts: 158
Yea, if you do get in touch with him, expect tears. Through the crying you'll probably make out snippets of "how could you do this to me?" and "all the lonely nights!"
Probably not.
Hey, he didn't call you back, and you outlined three potential scenarios. There's exactly a 25% chance it's one of those, or a fourth, completely unknowable one. That's what we alcoholics do -- try to predict a fictional future that by definition will never happen and then start to live in it.
Try him again. If you never get in touch, you never get in touch. If you do, well, maybe he's mad. That would be some odd sponsorship. If you called me, hey -- you're alive, you're not drinking, and you're ready to get back to work. For eight months you've freed me up to work with others who were ready to rock & roll. Now you're ready? Great, let's go.
The sponsor/sponsee relationship is great in lots of ways, and this is one of them. There's usually no weirdness. When you want help, you get helped. When you don't, somebody else gets helped.
Really, I have no idea how your sponsor is or how he'll react. But any way it goes, you got (or tried) to get in touch with him. Win.
If it doesn't pan out, find a new sponsor and get back to work. Big win.
Probably not.
Hey, he didn't call you back, and you outlined three potential scenarios. There's exactly a 25% chance it's one of those, or a fourth, completely unknowable one. That's what we alcoholics do -- try to predict a fictional future that by definition will never happen and then start to live in it.
Try him again. If you never get in touch, you never get in touch. If you do, well, maybe he's mad. That would be some odd sponsorship. If you called me, hey -- you're alive, you're not drinking, and you're ready to get back to work. For eight months you've freed me up to work with others who were ready to rock & roll. Now you're ready? Great, let's go.
The sponsor/sponsee relationship is great in lots of ways, and this is one of them. There's usually no weirdness. When you want help, you get helped. When you don't, somebody else gets helped.
Really, I have no idea how your sponsor is or how he'll react. But any way it goes, you got (or tried) to get in touch with him. Win.
If it doesn't pan out, find a new sponsor and get back to work. Big win.
Miracles Happen
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 9,977
Why not show up at a meeting that the two of you use to go to? Working the steps with a sponsor and living the steps is vital to my recovery today. I know I can't do this alone, I proved that to myself. If you don't hear or see your sponsor, maybe its your HP directing you to someone new. Keep us posted to how things are going.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Welcome to SR and our Alcoholism Forum
I'd go see the sponsor in person.
Best way to find outr what's going on
with anyone is a face to face encounter.
Well done on your sober time.....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: CA
Posts: 5
Thanks for putting things in a RATIONAL perspective! I swear, if someone developed a prescription medication for a recovering alcoholic that removed all irrational thinking, it would probably make things almost too easy.
Like you said, all I can really do is try calling him again and see what happens. Or I could sit here and think about the "what if's" and never do the uncomfortable things that are required to make positive changes.
Responses like I've received remind me why this is almost impossible to do alone. It's too easy for me to get caught up in my own thoughts, and then an outside opinion comes in and helps me think a little bit clearer. Thank you!
Kyle
Like you said, all I can really do is try calling him again and see what happens. Or I could sit here and think about the "what if's" and never do the uncomfortable things that are required to make positive changes.
Responses like I've received remind me why this is almost impossible to do alone. It's too easy for me to get caught up in my own thoughts, and then an outside opinion comes in and helps me think a little bit clearer. Thank you!
Kyle
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