FindMyselfSober

So, last night my boyfriend and I went to the movies and then he came over. We went to bed, blah, blah, blah. He wakes me up at 12:30 says he can't sleep and he is leaving to go home that I need to shut off the alarm system. I'm half asleep, like ok, seriously?
He leaves.
He blows me off all day.
I go to an AA meeting at 7PM and call him and say I am stopping over at 8:30to find out wtf his problem is. I get there and it all spills out...
We moved too quickly, his ex and kid were over yesterday and while lying in my bed all he could think of was the kid and how he moved so fast with me and his head is spinning and he is messed up about the kid and blah, blah, blah. It's all true we met only about a month after his long term 6 year relationship broke up...but he had been fine up until now. (Holy rebound idiot)
So, I'm reeling. But, I say, thanks for telling me. And I hold it together and I leave and drive straight to the liquor store. I had 5 days...

pinpoint

Relationships ain't easy. There's a lesson in all this confusing, angering bull$hit he's putting you through.

chrisinaustin

No losers here, just two people struggling with alcohol.

I was in a difficult relationship (OK, bats*%t nuts -- both of us) relationship near the end of my drinking, and if I told you how we met, you would laugh all night long. I have to say, this is when I was stringing 5 days of sobriety together, one stretch after another. It got me to the end faster, that's for sure.

If this is a clean break, which it sounds like it could be, you now have your emotional/mental/spiritual resources back to concentrate on being sober again. Which can start tomorrow.

CarolD

Just keep in mind that you were thinking of breaking off
with him anyway. Done and over is not always a bad thing.

Back on track with your sobriety tomorrow is what I suggest.

Blessings to you and your children

tommyk

"I leave and drive straight to the liquor store. I had 5 days..."

How did that work out for you?

Did drinking do anything to help, hurt, or in ANY fashion affect the real situation?

Keep coming back.

thewall

The same questions went through my mind that tommyk posted. After you went and got your bottle did it make things better?

Our alcoholism will grasp onto any and all situations to assert itself. Good times, bad times and just not much of anything times. One more excuse...one more drink. The biggest thing that is consistent throughout all of it is our drinking.

McGowdog

I got sober and my 1st wife (been together almost 8 years at the time) left me. Oh, we had met in a bar and we drank together. Met a gal when I was sober and happy in sobriety and she liked me... sober. We've been married for over 9 years now.

Relationships are tough. Sobriety is tough too, but worth it.

It is natural for you to be resentful and feel like a victim here. But once you take a look at your part and see where you set the ball rolling and "placed yourself in a position to be hurt or threatened", the sooner you stop being a victim, take responsibility for you and take care of yourself. You won't want to here this, but you don't have much to offer now. You best take of yourself. Relationships are not mandatory. What are you going to do to get out of your own head and let others in sobriety help you? This is your best shot, IMO.

FindMyselfSober

Woke up feeling so stupid. Why the hell would I let that get me off track? I was so happy to have my 5 days. Now I have to start over today. And you're right my alcoholism was looking for any excuse to drink.

And, I don't have much to offer anyone right now.

I need to focus on myself. He was a liability to my sobriety anyway by thinking he could help me "manage my drinking". Yeah ok.
Thank you all.

keithj

I know you're new to this sobriety thing, Finding, and it's easy to think that the boyfriend or the job or the kids or the family or the money or the whatever else it might be are really the problem. When you just get these things straightened out, then everything will be OK and you'll be able to get sober. If only I managed well.

My experience tells me that all of that thinking is delusional. I had to know that those other things were not my problem. Alcoholism was my problem. And until I recovered from that, those other problems would remain.

I recovered by ignoring those other issues as best I could and taking actions on the program of recovery suggested by AA.

thewall

You're not stupid, you are in the grips of a malady which manifests itself in a way that we make unwise decisions which when looked at in hindsight don't make good sense even to ourselves. I doubt very seriously this will be the last one you make where you later ask yourself "why did I do that". Key is that unsound decisions should not be an excuse to drink.

I wouldn't worry to much about what you have to offer anyone right now because there is a better than even chance the person you pick in your current state of mind won't be the same person you would pick with a length of sobriety behind you.

gravity

Couple of things that my sponsor says about relationships come to mind:

-never to say my wife. She is not mine. She is one of God's children.

-don't make another person your Higher Power (effectively controlling my thoughts & actions).

I'm guilty of doing these things when my marriage hits a difficult patch & it only makes things much worse for me and those around me.

And one more thing? Progress, not perfection.

Keep moving forward.

NoMoBeer

First, thanks to gravity -- your post helped me! (Sorry, being selfish)...

FMS.... Sorry you drank... but better at 5 days than 5 years I guess!? Nothing you can do about it, so dust off, get back to meetings and start at day one. Remember, the one in the room with the most sobriety is the one who woke up earliest that day! We all have the same 24 hours...

Glad to see you are back, keep pressing on and just do the next right thing (and don't drink!).... do you have a list of women's phone numbers from your home group (or meeting you regularly attend, or any AA group)? Keep it with you, and when you want to go to the liquor store next time, pick up the phone and talk it out.

I will share a story with you. I almost did the same thing the night before my one year AA birthday. I was getting ready for a triathlon... my wife and I were just not seeing eye to eye, and fighting horribly. And she had a bunch of girlfriends over for her birthday ... they were drinking wine... some nasty words were exchanged... and I was ready. I was really on my way to my car to go get a 12 pack. God kindly tapped me on the shoulder and said... "ahem, Ken.... you have this guy you know.... this guy called your sponsor... maybe you want to give him a call?" I picked up the phone instead of picking up a 12 pack.

"The alcoholic at certain times has no effective mental defense against the first drink. Except in a few rare cases, neither he nor any other human being can provide such a defense. His defense must come from a Higher Power." Page 43 in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous.


Sorry, got on a tangent there -- just wanting to give you hope that recovery and 'sane' sober living is completely possible!

Have a good night...

NMB

Quote:Alcoholics Anonymous.
1st. Edtion

McGowdog

And as I said or meant to convey, that statement wasn't to be harsh. It was just a judgement of being in a relationship when trying to recover.

If you have the opportunity to be free and not bogged down by a relationship in recovery, go with it! At least give it a try. Go to some meetings or do whatever form of recovery that you see fit and give sobriety another shot.

One thing I've learned about sobriety is that some don't get it on the first go-around... or the 2nd, 3rd, 4th, etc. But I never gave up. I gave it another shot and finally... found myself not wanting to drink and starting to see this world in a less selfish way and had just enough freedom to attract a healthy relationship for a change. Now I'm with someone who likes me sober. What a concept for me!

But I still look back on those two periods in sobriety where it was just me, my 500 sq ft apartment, my meetings, my freedom!

tricky164

As someone has already said" what you want now in a relationship is not the same as what you will want in a years time".

get to have a relationship with yourself and your higher power and you will eventually attract the people you want and deserve.

conentrate on your recovery.
your worth it......

peace.

thisisme

Sobriety is a very selfish journey. Sobriety comes first. You come first.

FindMyselfSober

Thank you all for the encouraging words.
Day 1 again today.
Last night I finished off the wine from the night before. And finished off the pity party I was having for myself.
I do have plenty of phone numbers from AA. But, as I heard someone describe it in a meeting..."it's hard to pick up that 10lb phone"

mumbai78

One of the reasons we have problems with alcohol is because we cannot deal with not getting what we want, and when we dont get what we want -we either use or drink.

Let me tell you that I am not judging you for what you have done, I am not in your position so I have no idea what you are going through. In your position I probably would have gone to the liquor store too.

However dont let you mind get to that point where you feel you are fully justified in taking a drink because of the personal problems you are going through.

If I take a drink today, I am to blame.