advice needed
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: italy
Posts: 32
advice needed
hello everyone,
my husband is an alcoholic and i know i should not write in this forum but i need an advice and i hope some of you can help me.
my husband is 50 and he is drinking for years although he is functional during his working hours but he drinks a bottle of wisky during the hours he is home. no matter it is day or night. recently around his eyes and mouth has become yellowish, or green. in the morning he has diarrea and shaking hands and he is eating less than before and his belly has grown just a little bit. he says he has no pain in his body. maybe my worries are nonesense but i tried my best to convince him to go and see a doctor. he is a emergency doctor himself and he said there is nothing to be worry about. but still i am worried. it is normal to have this symptoms? i wish i could do something about it.
thanks
my husband is an alcoholic and i know i should not write in this forum but i need an advice and i hope some of you can help me.
my husband is 50 and he is drinking for years although he is functional during his working hours but he drinks a bottle of wisky during the hours he is home. no matter it is day or night. recently around his eyes and mouth has become yellowish, or green. in the morning he has diarrea and shaking hands and he is eating less than before and his belly has grown just a little bit. he says he has no pain in his body. maybe my worries are nonesense but i tried my best to convince him to go and see a doctor. he is a emergency doctor himself and he said there is nothing to be worry about. but still i am worried. it is normal to have this symptoms? i wish i could do something about it.
thanks
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Hi sara
I think you are correct to be worried. He drinks a lot, he has the shakes in the morning and some of the other things... swollen belly, color changes... could be liver disease. He needs a doctor himself.
I can say that it is time to see if you can get him to agree to treatment. Tricky. Are there any colleagues you know and trust that you can speak to?
Welcome to SR!
Mark
I think you are correct to be worried. He drinks a lot, he has the shakes in the morning and some of the other things... swollen belly, color changes... could be liver disease. He needs a doctor himself.
I can say that it is time to see if you can get him to agree to treatment. Tricky. Are there any colleagues you know and trust that you can speak to?
Welcome to SR!
Mark
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Medical professionals are often the hardest people to convince
they need medical attention. This is apparently true for him.
Do they have Al anon meetings in Italy?
That would be a good place for you to find support.
I see you are using our F&F A Forum
and it's ok to use this one too.
Sorry to know of this situation....
they need medical attention. This is apparently true for him.
Do they have Al anon meetings in Italy?
That would be a good place for you to find support.
I see you are using our F&F A Forum
and it's ok to use this one too.
Sorry to know of this situation....
Resident grateful guy!
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Bloomington, Mn.
Posts: 120
Denial is a huge part of the mental aspect of this disease. Unfortunately nobody can get him sober if he isn't willing. If there is Alanon where you live i strongly suggest you go to a meeting. Best of luck. :praying
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Here, Now
Posts: 4,268
Sure its normal if you're an ill alcoholic. Physcian can't heal thyself alone with this disease. He needs help. By the way, if he's drinking that heavily that regularly he is impaired at work and given his position he could damage or kill a patient. For all sorts of reasonms and ethically he needs intervention.
Laozi Old Man
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Detroit, MI
Posts: 6,665
Originally Posted by sara1971 
he is a emergency doctor himself and he said there is nothing to be worry about. but still i am worried. it is normal to have this symptoms? i wish i could do something about it.
In the mean time, I would suggest that you also check these other links;
Relationships & Parenting In Sobriety - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Welcome to Al-Anon and Alateen
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: italy
Posts: 32
dear cubile75,boleo,mycoolfitz,somecallmetim and caroid thank you all for responding to my message. i am gratefull to all of you. actually i was hesitated to write in this forum as i usually do on family of aa. i appreciate all of your response.
anyway, i live in a small town in italy. i'm sure there are alanon meetings in the area but you know i guess everybody knows us and i don't want to people know about his problem. he denies that he has a problem. during last years i tried my best to convince him to see a doctor and get help but he says he can handle it himself. i know his colleagues but i don't have confidence with any of them. he got jaundice last summer he quited for one month but then he started again. now he drinks a glass of wiskey infront of me and finish the rest out of my seen. i know that controlling him would make him drink more as i tried before.
i love him and try my best to make him have a good diet and vitamines but lately he has become yellowish and he has nausea and diarrea in the morning and his hands are shaking. i really wish i could make him get his blood test but i don't know how.
anyway, i live in a small town in italy. i'm sure there are alanon meetings in the area but you know i guess everybody knows us and i don't want to people know about his problem. he denies that he has a problem. during last years i tried my best to convince him to see a doctor and get help but he says he can handle it himself. i know his colleagues but i don't have confidence with any of them. he got jaundice last summer he quited for one month but then he started again. now he drinks a glass of wiskey infront of me and finish the rest out of my seen. i know that controlling him would make him drink more as i tried before.
i love him and try my best to make him have a good diet and vitamines but lately he has become yellowish and he has nausea and diarrea in the morning and his hands are shaking. i really wish i could make him get his blood test but i don't know how.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 679
Originally Posted by Boleo
Doctors are typically at the top of every "High Risk" group for addiction that I have seen.
I am not sure if you are in the US but there was also something along the lines of if the medical professional voluntarily commits to treatment and presents themselves then there are no consequences. If on the other hand something happens in the workplace or somewhere else to make apparent that the individual has a problem with addiction, treatment might be mandated, but there will be a disciplinary process that most likely includes a suspension or taking away of the professional license. Therefore, there are major incentives that he take initiative to deal with the problem before someone else notice. Unfortunately, it seems like he might be at a tipping point. (Don't take my word for these facts— I am just playing this back by memory and it has been a few weeks, but I am 80% sure I am remembering correctly)
Heathen
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: La La Land, USA
Posts: 2,567
There's nothing you can do to help him.. but I think you know that. His symptoms to me, would be of grave concern. I'm sure he feels no pain if the alcohol is numbing everything anyways. I hope he makes it long enough to get sober one day.. but again, that's totally his choice.
Your Distant Friend
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: pittsburgh, pa
Posts: 255
The disease of alcohlism is cunning, baffling and powerful.
At this point in your husbands path, I would save the Al Anon
For later, go straight to an AA meeting yourself, obtain a Big Book
Entitled "Alcoholics Anonymous", listen at the meeting, ask
Other Members if they have completed the 12 steps, get a few phone numbers of those that answered yes, and invite them over to the house. There is also a chapter in the book for you callled "To Wives"
Your husband is in need of a formal 12 step call, yesterday. He Can Recover. It will first take someone of his kind who can explain how hopeless he was and how he has recovered to attract him to a sober and spiritual awakening, which he can work for, and that will never happen if he continues the whisky habit. Good luck!!!!.
At this point in your husbands path, I would save the Al Anon
For later, go straight to an AA meeting yourself, obtain a Big Book
Entitled "Alcoholics Anonymous", listen at the meeting, ask
Other Members if they have completed the 12 steps, get a few phone numbers of those that answered yes, and invite them over to the house. There is also a chapter in the book for you callled "To Wives"
Your husband is in need of a formal 12 step call, yesterday. He Can Recover. It will first take someone of his kind who can explain how hopeless he was and how he has recovered to attract him to a sober and spiritual awakening, which he can work for, and that will never happen if he continues the whisky habit. Good luck!!!!.
Last edited by emmanuel2012; 07-20-2009 at 12:39 PM. Reason: emphasis needed
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: italy
Posts: 32
you know i always though if his liver condition is really grave, surely he would have abdominal pain. but he doesn't have pain i guess. even if he drinks 1500 ml of wine, it would not be enough for him. he needs hard liqour to relax. i don't know how long he will go on like this. i'm afraid he makes a mistake at work. i wish i could find a way to convince him.
Heathen
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: La La Land, USA
Posts: 2,567
So.. you have knowledge of something that could be putting other people's safety on the line. I'd like to think that carries with it some sort of responsibility to protect other people that aren't making the choice to be f'd up every day with liquor.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: italy
Posts: 32
well for the time being he is functioning well at work. every now and then we meet people at our town who stop him on the street to thank him or even bring him gifts to appreciate his help. actually he is a patient doctor and listen to people and care for them. i don't know if drinking this much alcohol would influence his work. he is taking several retraining course every year since he wants to be uptodated.i've been noticed that sometimes before he goes to work he takes diasepam. is it normal?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
He could be a perfectly good physician at work even if he drinks way too much when he's not. But how much better would he be if he weren't hungover and feeling miserable from drinking a bottle of whiskey the night before?
He is respected in the community and keeps up to date with the latest treatments and developments. No one wants to take that away from him. Remember, alcoholism is a progressive disease. It would be wonderful if he could get recovered before he loses his well earned reputation and effectiveness.
Have you asked him why he takes diazepam before he goes to work? Does he self prescribe it? There is no way to know why... we can only guess... If he drinks a bottle of whiskey (is this a 750 ml bottle?) the night before, it is possible that he is taking it to calm his nerves because of withdrawal from alcohol. But there could be other reasons, we don't know.
Sara... Do you want him to get some help? As Carol said above, medical professionals are often the hardest people to convince to do so. They are strong willed, knowledgeable, fiercely independent and masters at self-justification.
I've asked you twice... Do you know any colleagues at the hospital where he works that you trust and can confide in? I don't know what physician recovery programs are available in Italy, how they work, etc... But another physician in Italy just might, or would know how to find out. A colleague may be able to find him some help, protect his patients and his reputation, without your husband ever knowing you were involved.
You could also go scorched earth, and if you are afraid he might hurt someone, maybe you should, if you don't have anyone else to help... Call the Board of Medicine, call the President of the Medical Society, call the Chief of Staff at the hospital... one of those actions may help get him into recovery.
Please sara, if you want our help, if you really want to make a difference... start thinking differently... You cannot do anything by yourself...
Is there anyone you can ask for help, whom you trust, to help navigate the necessary channels with only your husband's and his patients best interest at heart?
Mark
He is respected in the community and keeps up to date with the latest treatments and developments. No one wants to take that away from him. Remember, alcoholism is a progressive disease. It would be wonderful if he could get recovered before he loses his well earned reputation and effectiveness.
Have you asked him why he takes diazepam before he goes to work? Does he self prescribe it? There is no way to know why... we can only guess... If he drinks a bottle of whiskey (is this a 750 ml bottle?) the night before, it is possible that he is taking it to calm his nerves because of withdrawal from alcohol. But there could be other reasons, we don't know.
Sara... Do you want him to get some help? As Carol said above, medical professionals are often the hardest people to convince to do so. They are strong willed, knowledgeable, fiercely independent and masters at self-justification.
I've asked you twice... Do you know any colleagues at the hospital where he works that you trust and can confide in? I don't know what physician recovery programs are available in Italy, how they work, etc... But another physician in Italy just might, or would know how to find out. A colleague may be able to find him some help, protect his patients and his reputation, without your husband ever knowing you were involved.
You could also go scorched earth, and if you are afraid he might hurt someone, maybe you should, if you don't have anyone else to help... Call the Board of Medicine, call the President of the Medical Society, call the Chief of Staff at the hospital... one of those actions may help get him into recovery.
Please sara, if you want our help, if you really want to make a difference... start thinking differently... You cannot do anything by yourself...
Is there anyone you can ask for help, whom you trust, to help navigate the necessary channels with only your husband's and his patients best interest at heart?
Mark
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: italy
Posts: 32
dear cubile75,
thank you very much for your message. please consider the fact that he doesn't see himself as an alcoholic. in first year of our marriage, we were urguing day and night and when i told him that most of our discussions is because of his drinking he blamed me and told me that i am the reason for his drinking. we even went to see an analysit. he didn't tell her that he is drinking too much but after a month i told her about his problem and she talked to him and told him that he should stop drinking. after some time he told me that we don't need an analyst so we stop concelling. she even provided him with all the information about the nearest rehab center. she said he can take 6 months off from his work and go to rehab. my husband told her that he is not an alcoholic and he can stop when he wants. when we go to visit my mother in law every year for two weeks as she lives in another town he doesn't drink. once i asked him how he can make it and he told me that he takes diazepam. so i guess he takes diazepam to calm his nerves.
so in hospital i don't know anybody that much well to go and talk about his problem. his reputation is very important for him. he denies that he has a problem. that is the reason why i can not ask help from his colleagues. i know that i can not do anything by myself. i even talk to his mom 2 years ago and she talked to him and he promised to stop heavy drinking.but after a month he started drinking heavily.if he denies that he has a problem with alcohol how can i convince him to go to a rehab.
thank you very much for your message. please consider the fact that he doesn't see himself as an alcoholic. in first year of our marriage, we were urguing day and night and when i told him that most of our discussions is because of his drinking he blamed me and told me that i am the reason for his drinking. we even went to see an analysit. he didn't tell her that he is drinking too much but after a month i told her about his problem and she talked to him and told him that he should stop drinking. after some time he told me that we don't need an analyst so we stop concelling. she even provided him with all the information about the nearest rehab center. she said he can take 6 months off from his work and go to rehab. my husband told her that he is not an alcoholic and he can stop when he wants. when we go to visit my mother in law every year for two weeks as she lives in another town he doesn't drink. once i asked him how he can make it and he told me that he takes diazepam. so i guess he takes diazepam to calm his nerves.
so in hospital i don't know anybody that much well to go and talk about his problem. his reputation is very important for him. he denies that he has a problem. that is the reason why i can not ask help from his colleagues. i know that i can not do anything by myself. i even talk to his mom 2 years ago and she talked to him and he promised to stop heavy drinking.but after a month he started drinking heavily.if he denies that he has a problem with alcohol how can i convince him to go to a rehab.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Hi Sara, thanx for your reply...
Denial is the greatest obstacle to recovery that we as alcoholics face. It is very very hard to break. While you could detach and let him hit his bottom, it seems a shame to do that. He (and you) have so much to lose.
Physicians, like airline pilots and other professionals to whom others trust their lives, have a higher responsibility to remain competent, in my opinion.
I can't give you specific advice, no one here can know all the details of your situation. Please find another person who can get to know what's going on. Perhaps go to the analyst you went to and tell her of your concerns and see if he can be brought into treatment, even if he doesn't want it, initially.... Some type of intervention.
You should begin your own recovery... Alanon is a great place to start. Also, get the Alcoholics Anonymous book... there are at least 2 or 3 stories of impaired physicians in it. The cofounder of AA was a physician!!!
PM me if you want.
Mark
Denial is the greatest obstacle to recovery that we as alcoholics face. It is very very hard to break. While you could detach and let him hit his bottom, it seems a shame to do that. He (and you) have so much to lose.
Physicians, like airline pilots and other professionals to whom others trust their lives, have a higher responsibility to remain competent, in my opinion.
I can't give you specific advice, no one here can know all the details of your situation. Please find another person who can get to know what's going on. Perhaps go to the analyst you went to and tell her of your concerns and see if he can be brought into treatment, even if he doesn't want it, initially.... Some type of intervention.
You should begin your own recovery... Alanon is a great place to start. Also, get the Alcoholics Anonymous book... there are at least 2 or 3 stories of impaired physicians in it. The cofounder of AA was a physician!!!
PM me if you want.
Mark
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Well...
I took diazepam before I went to work to stop my shakeing.
When that became less effective...I added a Vodka and OJ.
Then it was 2 drinks....2 diazepam.
When I eventually got fired.....I started AA meetrings.
There is nothing you can do...it's not your fault.
You did not cause it....you can't convince him...
you can't fix it.
Prayers coming your way for both of you....
I took diazepam before I went to work to stop my shakeing.
When that became less effective...I added a Vodka and OJ.
Then it was 2 drinks....2 diazepam.
When I eventually got fired.....I started AA meetrings.
There is nothing you can do...it's not your fault.
You did not cause it....you can't convince him...
you can't fix it.
Prayers coming your way for both of you....
Your Distant Friend
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: pittsburgh, pa
Posts: 255
Originally Posted by sara1971
you know i always though if his liver condition is really grave, surely he would have abdominal pain. but he doesn't have pain i guess. even if he drinks 1500 ml of wine, it would not be enough for him. he needs hard liqour to relax. i don't know how long he will go on like this. i'm afraid he makes a mistake at work. i wish i could find a way to convince him.
I think there isn't much you can do *directly* to help him be convinced,
Simply because you are not an alcoholic, and cannot relay your experience
with alcohol in the same dimension.
Alcoholism is a self-diagnosed condition. There is, however, a course
of action that you can take to help him be conviced. An apparently hopeless
Alcoholic, Given an adequate dose of humility, can begin to see his malady
Not when someone points it out to him, but if someone else who was once
as apparently hopeless describes his own story, and that he has recovered.
Please see my other reply again (above) which laid out a course of action for you.
I don't quite agree that there is nothing you can do. Its just that you alone will not be able to convince him. Please seek the help of others who have recovered from this malady, locally.
Best Wishes,
Emmanuel
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Virginia
Posts: 818
Dear Sara, You husband is an alcoholic who is showing all the symptoms of serious liver disease. And being a physician, he knows it. He can see the yellowing and he knows what it means. He also knows what he needs to do but is unwilling to take the necessary steps to deal with his alcoholism. We call this denial. Unfornatulately, there's nothing that you can do. You're not telling him anything that he doesn't know, so don't bother pointing out the obvious to him. And if you live in a small town, his situation is probably well known to everyone. He's the only person who can decide to stop drinking, and until he does things will only get worse. I'm sorry for your plight and I hope you can find some solace. You need to concentrate on taking care of yourself. There's nothing you can do for him.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
