2much

I've posted here a bunch of times. I feel stupid, but this is the only place I know that I can be completely honest with.

I remember the days where I wondered if I might have an alcohol problem. Its almost funny to think back to those days because it was so long ago.

It has been quite a few years now that I've known im a pretty nasty alcoholic. - Nasty with the alcoholism - not as a person.

My alcoholism has never stopped me from being a good person - yet. ....Um... practically speaking... I have never done anything to hurt anyone and I have continued to be able to be a good mother and a good friend. I will go out of my way to help anyone...except myself unforunately.

I have noticed however that I have started telling lies. Nothing malicious - only 'cover up' lies - such as I will be asked 'how are you doing?' and i'll say.. 'really good mate' rather than the truth that is.. 'Im ****** and if I dont ask for help im going to die soon' or ..'If i didnt think it would hurt you, I'd love to shoot myself in the head'. So as far as everyone else knows - I'm doing just fine.

I hate lies. I think that lieing is a horrible nasty thing to do. I really appreciate people that are open and honest. And I like to be honest - in every other aspect of my life.


I drink every night - never during the day - I have responsibilities. I function - but granted I'd function better if I wasnt drinking.

Ive been drinking too much for way too long now. I hate my first 1-3 drinks of the day - they hurt my body physically. I have to take antacids before I can have my first drink of the day. It has gotten to the point that I can feel my organs hurt. And ive done the research since...Ive rented anatomy books to see where the pain is coming from. And it all relates.....funnilly enough.. to alcohol abuse.

Like I said before, it has gotten to the stage where I hate having to have those first 1-3 drinks each day. My body is totally rejecting it. - Come wine o'clock - before ive even opened the bottle - my body knows its coming so it starts with the acid build up in my system. I take antacids so that it will go away - momentarilly enough for me to drink enough wine to overcome it. My first 1-3 drinks almost make me vomit. Its very hard now. They have to be ice cold and I have to drink them very fast and pretend they are lemonade or something. So I ask myself 'Why?? Why are you doing it if it hurts so much??' ... I have no answer so I tell myself to 'shutup and get over it - after a few more you'll feel fine again'.

I know I'm screwed. I know from last year when I sought help they said 'DONT STOP DRINKING without medical assistance.' I was going to go into care so they told me (and they hated doing so) to continue drinking untill they could book me in. However, it was a very inconvenient time for me to go to rehab, and I would have had to tell a bunch of people including my ex partner(my sons father whom is constantly fighting me for custody), my family and my employers. So I lied (again) to the service and told them that I was fine and had sought care elsewhere.

Im drinking more now than I was then.

Gee I dont even know if I want to post this anymore...

I guess Im just using this as a place to get it off my chest and damn I know I need to.

I have a feeling in my heart that things will be okay. It just sucks how hard this road is. Its so hard. Every day. Some days I dont cry - some days I scream with all my heart. Also sometimes I cant believe that none of my friends and family have picked up on any of it... Do people not care anymore or am I that good a liar??

Either are pretty depressing options for me.

I think I can sort it out. Its a real bummer that it has come to this.

bohemianzen

I'm glad you posted. I can relate to a lot of what you are saying. I have pretty bad acid reflux too. I take generic zantac sometimes twice a day. And when I'm drinking wake up in the night with the acid in my throat and take rolaids to try to help ease it. I get so miserable in the night anymore with throat and stomach problems. It's been better these past 6 days that I haven't been drinking. I too question why I continue to drink when it is obviously hurting me in physical ways. My liver is/has hurt too here in recent months. I worry about cancer a lot. Yet I continued to drink--I wish I had the answer for you and for me. The closest I can come to saying an answer is that it makes me feel ok about myself. It settles or eases my brain.
I hope you find a way to help yourself. And please don't worry about posting to get things out (you do get a free blog on registering to write to your heart's content in--look on the toolbar at the top). People do read posts --even if there are no replies.
I wish you the best

yeahgr8

You are in the right place at SR! Hopefully you will get some ideas on how to get sober and start enjoying life again, best wishes:-)

CarolD

Welcome back to SR....

Let's get back to taking care of yourself.
As the doctors told you last year
de toxing without medical supervision is dangerous.
Another year of drinking......I certainly would heed
them this time.

Yes...it is often inconvenien to get sober
Yes....having your drinking secret revealed is embarrassing
Neither is a good reason to continue
pouring toxin in your mind and body.....

Get to your local AA meeting for live support

That's as straight up as I can share.
Blessings to you and your family

coffeenut

Welcome to SR! Please keep reading and posting.

sailorjohn

welcome!!!

Maybe that's the problem. When I made a decision to stop drinking and get the help I needed-AA-I knew that things were not okay, and they weren't ever going to be okay until I made that decision.

Good luck.

Keep coming back, you'll find a lot of support here.