HarryB

I'm not really sure why I am posting here other than to admit that.

I joined this forum because of my other addiction: cocaine. I've been fairly open about my problem with the drug but for some reason it is so much harder to admit my alcoholism. It took my second time through alcohol withdrawal in rehab before I even admitted it to myself. Isuppose this is because the 'drugs = bad = addiction' equation is so much easier for me and other people to grasp so it seemed inevitable and beyond my control but the drinking...it just felt like a weakness.

I am still drinking. I quit rehab and it was one of the first things I did. I felt pathetic and weak but I felt the need for alcohol more. I've had very few sober days in the past ten years, I've not always been a heavy drinker but I've never liked the feeling of being stone cold sober. I have a love affair with alcohol and if possible I would never spend another minute of my life sober.
I consider myself pretty 'functional' in the sense that I am not a ****-your-pants and fall in the gutter drunk. I drink carefully measured amounts throughout the day and rarely get what would be considered 'drunk' by most people. I drink roughly a litre of spirits a day and have done for the past 7 years. My problem is no escalating but it is a problem nevertheless.
I have a fatty liver, stomach ulcers and I did get the morning shakes up until my recent rehab. I worry about my long term health as I saw my father died from complication of his alcoholism and I know I can't keep this up forever.
However, I can't imagine llife without alcohol. I would be a completely different person and not necessarily for the better. I know I didn't give it much of a go in rehab but the brief glimpse I got of sobriety pretty much scared me off.

I'm asking for help here but I'm not entirely sure I want it or what form of help I'm asking for. Basically, I'm just throwing information out here and hoping someone will reply with something of use.

bugsworth

Hi Harry....You have to want to quit in order to be sucessful...kinda sorta never works.

HarryB

I want to and don't want to on different levels. You must know what it is like.
I don't want to die, I don't want to be ill, I don't want to rely on alcohol and everything that entails. But I am an addict and a good part of every addict wants to be that way, it is the natural of the disease. If that form of thinking didn't exist then neither would addiction.

CarolD

Yes...I do agree with Bugs...
I had to want to quit more than I wanted to drink

I certainly hope you too willl reach that point Harry

HarryB

When does that time come? Does it EVER come for some people? I honestly don't know whether I want to drink more than I want to quit, it varies so much even within a day or an hour. Just whilst writing and reading this thread I've a million U-turns in my mind on the question.

Astro

From the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, page 152.......

We know our friend is like a boy whistling in the dark to keep up his spirits. He fools himself. Inwardly he would give anything to take half a dozen drinks and get away with them. He will presently try the old game again, for he isn’t happy about his sobriety. He cannot picture life without alcohol. Some day he will be unable to imagine life either with alcohol or without it. Then he will know loneliness such as few do. He will be at the jumping-off place. He will wish for the end.

Yes, that time can come for all of us Harry, if we make the decision to live a clean and sober life. I hope you'll join us, this is a great way to live.


BB quote: 1st Edition

CarolD

For me....it was deep dark depression
3 suicide attempts...several stays in mental hospitals ...
the daily feeling of hopelessness without an external reason.

I felt as tho my soul had drowned in alcohol.

I hope you will quit before you ever experience that.
And perhaps you will not have that despair...I don't know.

I have found so much joy since I began living
in the sunlight of recovery....

bugsworth

We all understand the back and forth in our minds....the dark despair that comes from active addiction...for me the pain became unbearable...I decided to quit...for good. I too hope you don't have to spend much longer in this cycle.

Fubarcdn

Hi Harry.
When faced with the same thing I made two lists beside each other on a piece of paper.
The first list was what is bad for me about drinking.
The second is what is good for me about drinking.

I will help you get started from your own post.

I have a fatty liver, stomach ulcers and I did get the morning shakes.

With the list I decided to quit and was surprised to find some things on my good list such as I am more witty when I am under the influence and people like me more when I am drinking turned out to be totally false.

Try the list it can't hurt.

firestorm090

Eventually enough alcohol will bring even the greatest man or woman to their knees. Maybe you haven't had enough yet, but if you keep trying, you will find the world looks much bigger and scarier when you're on your knees rather than upright and walking tall. It's then that you might want to mumble a little prayer to let the Good Lord know you've had enough. Till then, I wish you well and hope you don't go as far as I did.

dreyfus

I,m about where you at are HarryB, was 8 years sober now 3 yrs drunk.I will not try to
type any more as I am drunk again. 3-10am in UK

'the world looks much bigger and scarier when you're on your knees', so true
Hope to get to an AA meet soon and will hopefully tell my story when I'm sober in a new thread. Pete 52 yrs old first detox at 24 ya. take my 1st beer at around 10pm but it aint
what you drink or what time,, its how much and how it interferes with day to day life
been a pleasure to read so many posts over the 2 years I have been lurking

CarolD

dreyfus....
I'm really glad you decided to share with us
I do so hope you find your way back to sobriety.
:
Keep as safe as possible ...talk to your doctor
about de toxing please.

Best of luck

coffeenut

Hi, welcome to SR.

Please keep reading and posting. SR can be a lifeline....IF you let it.

joedris

Lets see, You have a fatty liver and a stomach ulcer, You have a love affair with alcohol.
You get the shakes and cannot imagine life without alcohol.

So lets project into the future. Your fatty liver has transformed into cirrosis, and your ulcer has spread. You've been diagnosed with Wernike/Karzikoff syndrome. (wet brain)

If you can't imagine life without alcohol, try imagining death from alcohol. Either that or a commitment to a state mental hospital. Permanently. Because that, my friend Harry, is how the story ends.

Astro

Dreyfus, welcome to SR, we've saved a chair for you. How about taking a seat for awhile? Hope you stick around.

Gypsy Feet

So strange how quick my perception changed. . . I was 14 at first drink, stayed an addict for 28 years. I truly thought I couldn't quit, and I was ok with that.

I am 4 months sober now. It is not terrible. I really thought it would be, but its not. I stand on my own two feet now. I rely on ME to get me through the day, NOT on booze.

I like myself so much better now, because that victim that was me, that insisted I was too broken to live without self medicating is now a strong, open, trusting woman. I am excited about life, and I havent felt that way, or that I deserved to be, in so very long.

In my experience, getting sober was only scary until I did it. Welcome

please excuse typos and such, way past my bedtime

Iamlucy

I'm so glad to see your back I mean not glad that you have addiction but I wasn't sure if your last thread about quiting rehab in the substance abuse forum drove you away. I'm really glad that you came back safe.

Leprechaun

Harry your just not done, find where the void comes from, the one you use alcohol and drugs to fill.
The core of your addiction is what keeps you in active addiction, this can be a number of things imagined and real, by this I mean things such as fear,self lothing,guilt,shame ect,ect,ect.
Only you know the real reason you left rehab and in your moments of solitude I imagine you are struggling with the feelings and the truth as to why, once you accept you for you and get honest and real with yourself then and only then will recovery become a reality.
Addiction lives in the mind recovery lives in the heart once you make the move from your head to your heart you will find some peace and some serenity, live in the minute cause if you have a foot in yesterday and foot in tomorrow all you are doing is pissing all over today and today is all you got.

Peace,
Lep