beaumawe

I have be doing a little posting on the Friends & Families threads. I hope this isn't inappropriate to post on this thread but I would really like some thoughts from the flip side of the coin.

I am stuggling with the thought of leaving my AB of 6 years, I guess the main question I have for those who are in recovery is did your significant other make or break your recovery in any way? I hate the thought of giving up on him, but I'm not sure I have anything to do either way with him choosing to get sober.

I hope I made sense in what I was asking

Latte

You are making sense. I know if I drink or use again I need to find another place to live. I guess if I wasn't active in my recovery I wouldn't care about that but I do now. I have two little girls and even if I didn't want to live with my husband anymore I couldn't stand to be away from my girls.

Astro

Hi beaumawe, please feel free to post here anytime and ask all the questions you like. That's what we're here for, to share in our recovery no matter what side of the coin we're from!

I have to remember that my ex did what was necessary to protect herself, her sanity, and our children from my disease. You're probably hearing this in F&F already....Didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it. She tried for years to get me to moderate or stop drinking, finally it came to the point where she'd had enough.

In the end, sure, she had a tremendous impact on my recovery that I share about often. If I remember her words correctly, it was something like "I'm done with you, I want a divorce, get out of this home".

She wasn't giving up on me, she was doing what she needed to do to protect what was left of her sanity. It worked, I walked into my first AA meeting that night and I've been sober since then. But it was my choice, finally I wanted it badly enough, before I gave away any more of my life.

beaumawe

Thank you for your honesty. I feel like nothing I have tried in the past 6 years has helped and I really do want to see him get into recovery. I guess I keep thinking that if I give up on him he will have no one to help, but I guess he has to do this all on his own.

Latte

I truely believe that he just upped my "bottom." What he really did was put our children first. They are not safe in a home where their main caregiver is drunk and or high.

I have learned that you can't really change anyone else, but you can change how you deal with those people. I grew up with an alcoholic father and he is still an active alcoholic. I won't talk to him on the phone when he has been drinking and when he vistis he cannot drink in my home (he is perscribed some kind of med cocktail by his whacko Dr. while he is here so he doesn't go into withdrawls). He loves his grandkids and it may be a little manipulative of me to say that he can't come here and drink (he lives in Mexico, I live in AK) but I have to protect my family.

Sara9009

Hard question to answer but I will take a stab at it.

For me, I really had two drinking phases. The first I was drinking whiskey like it was water and my husband begged and pleaded for me to stop and I did because in part I was sick of hearing it. I quit for the wrong reason and it wasn't long before I went to the next phase of my drinking which was wine and beer, no hard alcohol. This was the "deal" phase between my husband and I.

I wasn't getting anything more than buzzed except occasionally because I was used to hard alcohol and had a huge tolerance and if I drank too much wine I would just throw up. Not that drinking wine or beer is better in any way because it still had the negative impact on my overall mood and deep depression and I was still an alcoholic and behaving like one.

During the second phase of my drinking my husband decided he was not going to say anything about my drinking and in a way he let me sort it out on my own and I eventually quit this time for the right reason, for myself.

When my husband and I got married we decided that divorce was never going to be an option and our love was unconditional. When I did quit his positive reinforcement was absolutely invaluable to me but I could not quit for him as much as I absolutely wanted to. I was not being a good partner to him and giving him burdens he did not deserve. If he left me I don't think it would have changed my drinking course because I had to go through that path for whatever reason. I had to see it to the end so I would truly know that I was absolutely finished drinking. With all of that being said my "drinking career" was not very long in length. I actively drank like an alcoholic for about 2 years and I am sure that there would have been a breaking point with him. He is tolerant beyond belief and with his job he is also not home a lot.

I can't say what is best for you in your relationship but I could not imagine doing this without my husband's support (even though I couldn't quit for him) but on the other side of the token that is a terrible thing to make someone carry that burden. My drinking had a terrible impact on my husband. I wish I had never put him through this but I can't take it back I can only live sober and do everything I can to make our marriage the happiest and most fulfilling it can be.

Ironically, I do not think I could have been as tolerant as he was if this situation was reversed.

I wish you the best and I hope this helped a little. Everyone's situation is so incredibly different. It might be good to get some counseling to help you sort everything out and make a decision on what is best for you.

Hugs.

flutter

The fear of losing my husband was enough for me to finally feel what a "bottom" is like. I had almost lost my life, almost lost my job, but that was the deal breaker.. I couldn't bear it anymore. You'll hear time and time again "they have to quit for themselves". Of COURSE that's true, however when I was active in my addiction to alcohol I was clearly not taking care of myself, much less in a place to be a self motivator to recovery. Yes, I quit for myself, I quit to live a better life, and luckily hubby is by my side. I dont know WHY, but he is. His leaving wouldn't have changed my decision that it was time to get sober.. (back to your original question). Did he make or break my sobriety? I don't really know, all I know is that I'm sober, and I'm married, and I have most things out of both that I could ever ask for now.. and it was only possible through sober living.

Pinkcuda

When I quit drinking, I quit drinking and maintained my own affairs. My wife continued on with her addiction and that lifestyle. Eventually it caught on with a little prodding and we are both clean and sober.
The kids were a big influence though. If it wasn't for them I would have kicked her to the curb.

flutter

That is so true for me too. I had a dream a week or so ago, that the shoe was on the other foot.. That I found my husband at home, drunk off his ass, and I actually (in the dream) felt for a brief moment what that had to have felt like for several years for him. Absolutely broke my heart. When I talked to my counselor about this, I broke down.. for the first time since I got sober, since I started counseling etc.. I totally broke, because I finally got it. When I wondered out loud why hubby stayed around, my counselor just said "he had hope.." Thank goodness.

When I repeated the above to my husband, I got a "mmmhmm!", (man of so many words lol).

Dean62

I am reminded I am powerless so using someone as a reason has not worked for me.

That is just my experience.

yeahgr8

You should do whats best for you although leaving is more likely to help him than hinder him, whilst you stay he really has another reason not to deal with his problem, why should he if it was that big a problem you would have left him, that's what he will think.

Tommyh

my wife lived with me and my drinking for 9 years and was crazy and violent at the end of that time.She finally went to ala non and started getting better.I was getting worst.She put our son first and decided she was not going to wait or enable me anymore.Things changed....and as was said before,maybe my bottom just got raised a little or she just got my attention.But in the end,she could not sober me up ,but she went and got help for herself and decided to life life,not tip toe around a active alcoholic.Your choice
only you can decide

beaumawe

Of course I want happiness, I want to be able to come home from work without that sick feeling of what I am going to walk into. I want to be able to have meaningful & not so meaningful conversations on life & such. But I want all these things from him.

Over Christmas I had him committed, basically his choice he claimed he was sick & tired of being sick & tired. He ended up doin 39 days, he had to stay in the hospital for a while because there were no open beds at rehab & because of the court order they couldn't send him home.

I visited him every chance, he invited me to some of the open groups and told everyone that it was the thought of losing me & everything that made him want to quit. He was sober for 82 days total, AA meetings everyday, the whole bit. Then one day I could tell he was drinking. I told him that it was just a relapse, not great, but get back to the program work the steps and call his sponser. He has this thing about never calling his sponser.

Anyway, I guess in those 82 days I let my guard down and started to really believe that this time he was on the right tract. Hell, I even promised him an African Gray parrot on his 1 year anniversery of sobriety.

He drank for 5 days straight, then was sober for 3. Now he is on 7 days straight and no end in sight. I just keep believing that he wasn't put on this earth to be a drunk and there is a bigger plan for him in store.

I think I will always hope the best for him, but somehow I have to realize that it may not be with me & that is hard to accept.

Astro

My story is long and complicated, so I tend not to share it all at once.

On the morning of the day I found recovery, I also found out that she'd been having an affair with a co-worker. In spite of that I had hopes of us working everything out if I stayed sober. It wasn't meant to be, I've come to understand that my HP had better things in store for me, and probably for her too.

She wasn't the person I married, her values and morals regarding marriage had changed. I wasn't the same person she married, in recovery I changed, alot, she had no desire for a partner who couldn't drink safely and who lived a spiritual life.

We always want the best, and hope that the best means we remain together with our partner. But I've come to accept too that for me the best meant a different life, apart from each other. It was also best for our children, they're surrounded by people who love them.

Sara9009

LOL, Sounds like my husband. I can chat someone's head off and he could probably go through the rest of his life not speaking if he could.

beaumawe

This is where my insanity starts. My AB has been gone for 2 days, I figured he was on one of his benders, but he just called and he checked himself into detox. That is a first, usually he always has had me check him in or go with him. He said he didn't want to get to far gone to not be able to bring himself back up. I'm proud of him for doing this, but confused as all get out. I was so angry at him for the last 2 days and now I all I can think of is him getting sober again. That flicker of hope is still in me for him.

splendra

I know that this might not seem relevant but it seems an awful lot like you are doing all the counting and expecting and he is doing all the drinking.

One of my very hardest lessons was I can't make some one else want to be sober. I can manage them and give advise until I am chartreuse in the face and if they want to drink they will. Recovery is really a thing that one has to take total responsibility for if it is going to work.

Please take the focus off of his recovery and put it on yours. You are the only person you can change. Take good care and please be gentle with yourself.

CarolD

What would you suggest to your best friend
had she the same experiences you've had for 6 years?

Should she go or stay?

Prayers for your clarity going out