LaDita

There is a friend in my life (who may or not be alcoholic, but drinks often and to excess) who I used to drink with who has been kind of hanging around in the background in my life, wanting me to hang out for some reason or another, and even if there's no trace of alcohol involved (even just to go for a walk at the park), the thought of drinking and the association is very present.
For months, I have been putting off dates with this person because I don't like how I feel when I'm around him anymore. I part with him feeling empty toxic and frustrated and wonder what the point was.
For about a week now, he's been wanting me to come to his house to watch a movie, I told him I would, but I've been putting it off and giving him the run around. Why? Because some days going to his place feels harmless at first thought, the other days, I remember how he always has rows of empty wine bottles on his counter and how his roommate is always drinking when I'm there, how I always have a small panic attack while I'm there and that after I leave I either resort to drinking at home or feeling awful for the next few days.

I have always thought that cutting him out of my life is a little drastic, and I honestly haven't 'come out' to all my friends that I'm trying to stay sober.
I know that my friend would really get his feelings hurt if I stopped talking to him, and to make it more awkward, he lives a couple of blocks away from me and I run into him at random quite often.

I know that a couple of my other friends would disappear and do the "Oh you're no fun anymore, see ya!" kind of thing.
So I've been living this double life with my friends and I can't do it anymore.

What I'd like is to have some space from those people for a long time, but I just don't know how to go about telling them or getting it. In any case, I can't keep blowing off my friend and I need to tell him and soon. I just don't want to lose his friendship or make things awkward between us.

Tommyh

LaDita,when I made the decision to quit,I told the guys I worked with.They called me and hounded me for several weeks until they realized I was serious and left me alone.
The others I told was other friends and most of them left me alone.2 guys respected me and came to see me,sober.They supported my efforts.There never was any booze or drugs on them and I appreciated their support.
There was others,and I never said anything to them,I just quietly drifted away.
If he is really a good friend,I believe he will understand and support your efforts.He may also go to the opposite,and try and get you to drink.In that case,I would say maybe he is not such a good friend at all.
Thats my experience.The biggest thing was the fear,I was scared to tell others.Once I told them,it made staying sober a bit easier.

TryingSoHard

Dita, I think bball has some good points. I haven't told many of my friends at all - only 2, as a matter of fact. But in your specific situation, it sounds like if you want to continue to have this guy in your life you're going to HAVE to tell him. Don't go into a lot of detail if you don't want to (i.e. don't tell him you're alcoholic if you don't want to) but DO tell him that you're not drinking anymore, YES - you're serious - and if you're going to continue to hang out with him he needs to be ok with that. It doesn't mean that he has to quit drinking with you but he has to respect YOUR decision and be willing to hang out with you sober.

I was really nervous about telling one of my girlfriends because, like in your situation, being around her pretty much means drinking. I couldn't stand the thought of not seeing her again just because I didn't want to be honest with her, so I told her. She understood and was incredibly supportive (and even admitted that she sometimes questions her own drinking habits, but we didn't go into a big discussion about that). She lives 1500 miles away so I haven't seen her yet, but now I have NO anxiety about what it will be like when I do. I don't have to lie or hide anything or come up with excuses or be nervous about what it will be like. I won't drink and she won't expect me to and that's that. It feels good.

TryingSoHard

BTW, I think the title of your thread might not be accurate. It doesn't sound like you want to cut yourself off from this friend... just from the old style of friendship that you had.

It IS possible for friendships to evolve and to be healthy. You don't HAVE to cut him out of your life just because he drinks and you don't. As long as you are honest with him (and with yourself) and he is able to respect your boundaries, I think it will be fine.

Now, granted, there are "drinking friends" who aren't really FRIENDS, whose relationships with you will probably end once the booze is gone. That's different, and in the grand scheme of things is no big loss.

If it's a FRIEND, though, I think you should at least give them the chance to work on a sober friendship with you first. It's not fair to either of you if you just aren't honest and quit talking to them and the lack of alcohol is the only reason for it.

doorknob

Great post, TSH!

flutter

When I quit drinking I started finding that I had different types of "friends"... I use that term very loosely.

For those people that all the sudden didn't bother to call me anymore, I knew they were only drinking buddies.

For those that still called and invited me out to "just have one..", I realized they were quite opposite of a friend and toxic to my new life, and couldn't possibly care about my wellbeing more than they cared about their own drinking worries.

For those that were unphased and responded with a "cool, lets get some coffee" and shrugged it off and didn't even flinch, I knew they were my friends.

Living sober has only a little to do with not drinking, it's a lifestyle change, and I choose not to keep ANYthing toxic in my life. I had to let the past go, I'm done with that life, and the people that can't make the transition with me without kicking and screaming aren't even worth the drama.

I found that the friends that really care about me, the true friends I have, really didn't notice or care if I drank or not... they liked me for me, and now I'm just a sober me

Just my .02

BKP

Flutter nailed it. I feel that when it is time it is time, a true friend will back up that feeling and your recovery other wise they need to back down and except the fact that you are going to do what is right for you. Simple as that.

LaDita

I found recently that I feel very uncomfortable, 'annoyed' and have less tolerance around active alcoholics and/or 'heavy drinkers', even when they haven't been drinking and I am more at ease around those who aren't alcoholics or are sober- they just have a different 'energy'.

I would love to make some sober friends in town but I prefer not to go through A.A. or any other program. I just want to be around stable-minded people to do fun things with and I'm not sure where to find those.