digderidoo

Ok i'm going to be open and honest as to where i am now and want some feedback, please be honest.

Over the last few days i have felt like a drink. I am 8 months sober and guess i have been feeling as though i can handle it, in all honesty.

I think the thing for me is that i'm single and thought it would be nice to meet someone. So i went to a club with a friend on Friday night, but felt sort of out of it as i wasn't drinking. I did meet a woman for a coffee last week, sort of a blind date through Facebook :-/ but i just didn't fancy her.

My ex has now heard that i went to a club on Friday and went for a coffee with someone and has been in touch. We split up in July of last year, we bumped into each other in a club over christmas and ended up sleeping together. She sent me an email on saturday saying how she'd like to meet for a drink, i mean soft drink, and that it would be nice to have some fun, rather than a relationship.

So me thinking with my d**k, jumped at it, it is being offered on a plate. Then over the weekend i got to thinking that she only wants to use me for sex, until she meets someone else and then how would i feel. So i spoke to her yesterday and said that i thought she was on the rebound from a guy who turned out to be married and that i'm not going to be used this way as some sort of stop gap. Even though as a man the sex would be good.

Pardon me for speaking blunt, but this is what's happening at the moment, i feel quite offended that she looks at me this way, even though she said that this isn't her intention. I really think she's become jealous over me going out and meeting someone. I have kept out of night clubs over the last year or so and i think the idea of me being in one has hit her.

Anyway i have arranged to go out again on Friday, at the end of the day i'm single, why shouldn't i enjoy myself?

I have read the section in the big book this morning 'more about alcoholism' and starting to get past the idea of having a drink, especially after reading about how all alcoholics think at some point after a long while of sobriety that they can now control it. I guess i need to look at step 1 again.

Please hit me with your honesty, i know you will.

Paul

RightAngled

Takes a lot of courage to do what you did there. Sometimes the temporary embrace of someone else is as addictive as any alcoholic beverage. I know - I did it myself and it caused me much pain. I wish I had done what you have done. I traded short term satisfaction for long term pain. It shows you think of yourself in a positive light and deserve better that. Perhaps if you were still drinking you prpbably would not be having this internal dialogue. I think it shows a lot of insight.

Not gonna tell you what you should or should not do mate - just think through the pssible consequences.

Take care

Another Paul based in the UK

waterface

I empathise with your situation totaly. I am with someone that drinks a fiew glasses of wine at night & i'm in a position where i was drinking each night of th week & now am abstaining & just drinking weekends & feel i can do this alone but if i'm with her, i feel a bore & damp squib not to, get peer pressure to etc!
E.g./ tonight is quiz night in local bar, i went last week & didn't drink, everyone else did & i never said a word, was bored to death & ended up rowing!!
Weekend, went out, drank heavily, we both had a good time & now i'm paying for it with the rebound anxiety i get!!

I know if i'm alone i feel lonely & drink & also if i'm with someone that drinks & doesn't have an issue with drinking, although still drinks too much, i still find it hard to keep my weekday abstinence up!
I'm thinking the only way forward is to get with people who don't drink & i know from experience that it works, its just hard to find!!

wf

beingjenagain

well I guess if you are both mutual in the fact that it is purely physicall than no harm done but in my experience someone alays get their feelings hurt, so it is probably the wisest to just run quickly away from the situation.

digderidoo

I agree and if it were a case that we'd just met then i would probably jump at that sort of arrangement. But i know that in this case if i was on a night out she would get jealous and that if she was on a night out that i would.

In my experience, sex with an ex doesn't really work.

tommy79

I'm in and out of AA and not yet sober so I may not be the best person to give advice...but I'd say that I too know the voice that says "you're more fun with a drink" and therefore better able to function with the opposite sex. Also "why shouldn't I"? All tied up with resentment at an ex - if she's not in my life now, I don't need to stay sober to please her (forgetting of course that sobriety is for you).

I guess the bottom line is, there are always reasons to drink - there are always events coming up, times you could go out and have fun. That'll never go away. So you may as well deal with it now, otherwise you're just putting it off. Some people put it off until they have cirrhosis and die...

digderidoo

Yes you are, don't put yourself down, that's the best bit of advice i've heard for a while. There is always a reason to drink and there will always be something coming up, thank you. I guess that's something i forgot.

Paul

yeahgr8

Ive only been sober 4 months but there is no measure to how much action i would take if i even entertained having a drink for even a second, and there is nothing or noone in my life who i would not give up to keep my sobriety. Sounds harsh but i mean it all. As you say get back to step 1 asap!

I get lonely of course as it is early days, i dont think 8 months is that long either and maybe you are looking at this too much too soon? As for the sex with ex gf my one is chasing after me since i have sobered, had sex a few times but have mde it clear i dont want that and just want to be friends if anything and if she doesnt want that, so what...nice to be in control of the little things one day at a time!

tommy79

That's nice of you and I'm glad it helped. I just wish I could take my own advice...good luck mate.

Jfanagle

I got sober when I was living with a lady and within about 90 days we agreed to split up and I gave her the house we owned and I moved out and bought a condo. Obviously this was a huge lifestyle change along with trying to stay sober. I needed to find out just who I was without the alcohol that I had leaned on for the past 25 years.

Fast forward some 9 plus years later. I am still both single and sober. I date still and have throughout the sober journey. Many of the women are normal drinkers and we socialize in both parties where alcohol is served and bars and restaurants as well.

I have simply learned that to "party" for me means to enjoy the people and situation, and does not have to mean ME DRINKING. Most friends and certainly the women I date know that I am a previous drunk and am now a sober alcoholic. No one makes a big deal about it and I am free to be a good companion and thankfully a good bedmate because I am NOT drunk. I like my "social self" much better sober and it seems that those around me feel the same way.

It can be a challenge to get to know yourself without alcohol, but once you determine that your personality and ability to be someone who others like and even occasionally love is the real you and not some chemical induced figment of a drunks wanna be world, real enjoyment of life can begin.

As I said, I have lived a sober SINGLE life for almost 10 years now and I would never go back to the one that almost killed me. Life is full of challenges, but at least for me I have found that I am better able to handle them sober.

Best of luck,

Jon