theaocp

H'lo. It's been a crazy run and i'll try to get it all out.

I've thought of myself as an alcoholic for some time now. I'm not sure how long, but i know i'm 33 now and first started drinking when i reached college at 18. Late bloomer, i guess. I never remember drinking at any time or place, but to get a buzz. I've been falling down plastered, too, but usually liked to just "feel good."

I met my wife in 2001, we soon moved in with each other, and have been married since mid-2007. I never drank liquor until i met her, but loved my mgd. She's a rum-&-pepsi gal and showed me bacardi light. When we'd have our inevitable fights, i would drink rum-&-pepsis to make the pain go away. That and smokes were my only "friends."

After a while, (again, i don't remember when ... before december of 2003) i started drinking rum straight from the bottle and buying 1/2 gallons of it to save money. My use started to go beyond our fights and became more regular. I never drank in the morning or during work, but the evenings were an all-call. Then, i discovered double-shots at the local store. They became my buzz-of-choice and i guzzled them happily.

I also worked at a banquet hall and got to know their liquor storage closet well, finding my tastes moving more toward vodka. Up until this point, my current wife did not know about my increasing use of booze. At the end of 2003, we moved into our first and current house. My problems continued and to sum up, she found my 1/2 litre bottles occasionally around the house. These discoveries always ended in fights.

Since we moved in, i have come to know the surrounding liquor stores pretty well (about 9 in all). I've been drinking pretty much straight vodka or rum, from about a double-shot to a litre+ every day for the last 2-3 years. It might have been longer, but that's about when i became daily, i think. It gets fuzzy. I stopped randomly in December of 2007 and was clean (and happy!) for about 2-3 weeks. I thought i was safe again on December 26, and i bought a double-shot on the way to my friend's house. Oops. I quit again for three days and was back in gear on day 4. Dammit.

This last year has been habitual, to say the least. Some of the liquor stores know i have exact change for my daily 1/2 pint and we don't even have to say hello to one another. I go to so many different stores, so even *they* won't feel like they're servicing a drunk. Either way, over the New Years period, my wife was not being friendly, and my drinking added to the bad feelings, resulting in a yelling match after everyone went home from our house on NYEve. At least that night, i admitted i had been drinking. There have been more than one time where she has asked me and i lied openly.

Rambling aside, i woke up last night around 3:30am and heard she was awake and cleaning (she has sleeping problems). I couldn't sleep any more, so i got up and came to my dark office to find three empty 1/2 litre bottles carefully arranged in front of my computer with a somewhat-unfriendly and threatening letter from her. She thought i was hiding my drinking from around the holiday and was disgusted, yet again. This was not the case.

As it happened, i don't really know where those bottles came from. She obviously found them cleaning, but i had taken to using empty pop bottles to hide my liquor and then recycling them. As it turns out, i've been talking to myself and trying to convince myself to quit. Not surprisingly, it hasn't worked. I've found myself literally telling myself out loud to turn away from the liquor store ... you don't have to do this ... go home ... etc. I always end up with the bottle in a small brown bag.

I just knew that i had lied to her so many times about my drinking (which she says she didn't even care about, just the lying!), she'd be horrified and find it unforgivable to find out those lies from me. Either way, i needed to tell her and it finally came out last night. She says she's not sure now what she can believe from me. I wholeheartedly agree with that, but the only secret i actually have is about the drinking. Go figure.

I know i've wanted to quit for some time and really enjoyed the energy i had when i did quit last year. I also know i kept lying to keep the possibility of her stopping my drinking from happening, when she found out my frequency. Finally, i know she will not trust me (if ever) unless alcohol is out of my life totally. It's just a mess and i wish ... well, i wish something. Matter of fact, i wish i could have a drink right now. Man, i hate this stuff. Thanks for listening.

Oh, and i haven't had anything to drink today. Aye.

Lenina

theo,

Congrats on getting your first day started. Have you seen a doctor yet and been honest about the drinking? It's really important to get medical help and a plan to stop the booze.

I understand about the multiple stores, LOL I did the same thing.

Keep reading SR as there's a lot of good advice and information here. And great support from our fellow posters.

Welcome!

Love,

Lenina

theaocp

I have not seen a doctor yet. I was under the impression that unless i had physical symptoms, medical help wasn't a must. However, i can check with my provider now or in the morning. As for a plan, my current one is to show and no longer tell my wife that i have not been drinking (when she asks) and do it with a clear conscience. I've wanted to tell her for so long. It's like having an unbelievably massive weight lifted off my chest and placed on my heart. It hurts. A lot. And that's just me ... what have i done to her and for no reason?? The lying makes me sick to think of in retrospect, but was never a concern when i was doing it and buzzed. I don't know if i could forgive myself.

Sometimes, just *seeing* the word "liquor" on a store would make me wonder if they had seagrams. Triggers like that are murder.

Thank you for the kind words here at SR. I hope this place can be a place of safety in an unsafe world. I need people who understand.

Cheers. (oh, and you can call me aocp, or just alex)

sugErspun

Wow - I can relate to so much in that.

I had a group of 9 liqour stores that I rotated through -- so I would never have to go to the same one in any 4 day period..for all they knew, I came in to buy my bottle once per week, and that was it. Funny thing was - I stopped drinking for 22 months at one point, I went back to one of my stores and they put a bottle of Stoli on the counter...they knew why I was there when I walked in the door, even after almost 2 years.

I was afraid of throwing the bottles in my trash cans - since I was hiding my drinking. So I would save them up, and dump them all at once behind a grocery store, or some other large dumpster. I was always a little afraid what the cops would say if they caught me with a bag full of nothing but empty vodka bottles.

I moved out of the house I lived in for the last 5 years last summer. I found probably 10 empty bottles when cleaning my stuff out - I hid them in places even I couldn't find. Having been sober for a little while - I just put them in the trash, no shame, no hiding of the truth.

I drank for a long time even though I didn't want to - I HAD to, if that makes sense you are in the right place. There's a way out...no matter how bad off you think you might be.

Thanks for sharing, it's a start.

TryingSoHard

Hi there aocp, and welcome to SR.

I too could relate to a lot of what you wrote. The progression of the type, quantity, and frequency of drinking. The hiding it. The lying openly when confronted. The rotation of liquor stores. The talking to myself, trying to convince myself not to buy that bottle... but coming home with it anyway. Been there, done that, living with the consequences now.

I faked it really well, and my husband didn't ask very many questions, so we never reached the level of trust issues that you're at now. I'm sorry to hear about that. But you're definitely right... you have to prove to your wife with your ACTIONS, not your words, that you want to make things better. And it will take time, so please try not to get frustrated with her if she doesn't jump on board right away. When we're hiding our drinking and lying about it, we tend to not realize just how much we're affecting the people we live with. I was totally, 100% convinced that my husband never picked up on ANY signs that I was drunk. I was wrong. He just didn't know that my problem was alcohol - but he definitely knew SOMETHING was wrong with his wife, and it was breaking his heart.

Congratulations on starting a new chapter of your life today. Take it one hour, one minute at a time if you have to. Come read posts here, especially the "sticky" threads at the top of the forums. Please, please do not hesitate to call your doctor or head to the ER if you start having physical withdrawal symptoms.

You'll find a wealth of information and support here. I hope to see you back.

flutter

wow.. I could have written this.. other than the fact that I have a husband, not a wife .

I value my life, my husband, my home and everything more than the drink, thank GOD i came to that.

theaocp

I've practiced saying the alphabet backwards when i've been driving buzzed, just in case i get pulled over. Gawd, the preparation that gets put into this habit! I just want to feel like it's a bad idea!

I've felt like i had to drink for well over a year now, yes. Going to the store felt like floating over myself, watching someone else pull my strings. This is not an excuse, but rather an explanation, as it seemed at the time. The taste of vodka isn't great, but i always felt better following a few swallows, getting back to ground zero. I really appreciate the kind words and will endeavor to succeed. I do remember what it felt like last year, being clean. I *was* happy and not *made* happy. Cheers.

Lenina

alex,

Nice to meet you! And you are in a good, safe place. Most of us have been where you are! We understand.

Were I you, I'd get some medical advice. Withdrawal can be alarming and dangerous without medical help. Nothing long-term but just to get you started.

Please keep us posted on your recovery. Ask questions, seek advice; there's so much wisdom borne of experience here. I am not very good at writing and I'm sure others will be able to better explain.

Try to educate yourself about the disease as much as possible. It makes things so much easier and less lonely. You'll find references to the book "Under the Influence" and I highly recommend it. I really found "Rational Recovery Little Book" a great help and if you're not inclined to AA, a good program. I use techniques from both.

Keep coming back!

Love,

Lenina

Lenina

alex,

Drinking is a full time job! LOL I found looking for excuses, the hangovers and the cover-ups to be so very time-consuming! I'm glad I don't have to do that any more! And you don't either!

Love,

Lenina

theaocp

My wife is a smoker, so i think she never smelled the liquor, but she would comment on my "flaming red ears" sometimes and notice if i was "zippier than usual." This should have been the time where i said, "yea, sweetie, i had some shots after work." That never happened. The hiding of everything had to have become a wedge between us. My actions *will* change. If she asked me if i've ever cheated on her or shot heroin, i could easily and clearly say, "no." I'm even going on 3 years without cigs, so this has to be possible. I love her too much. I hope all is well in your household, as well.

I feel such relief at finally having people to talk to. It's been a lonely road and i was hiding everything from my best friend. I just met you guys, but i already feel much better. I don't know if SR will replace google as my homepage just yet, but wait and see. :ghug

TryingSoHard

I can tell you that, for me, it was a HUGE RELIEF to finally have people to discuss this with. People who had been there and truly UNDERSTOOD. The only thing that felt as good was when I finally confessed everything to my husband.

The hiding and lying just takes SO much energy. It's completely draining.

theaocp

It might seem silly, but i'm keeping the three bottles my wife found last night on my desk in my office. This is meant to be a reminder of what i stand to lose, but i'm unsure if it might remind me of drinking. I certainly don't want them around, but maybe they'll help keep me straight. Any thoughts?

TryingSoHard

Hmm. I dunno. I understand the symbolism you're trying to grasp, but yeah... it's a fine line. If I had 3 empty vodka bottles in front of me, I'd be tipping them upside down over my mouth to see if there was even just a little tiny bit left in them! LOL Sick, sick, sick. Maybe you could take a PICTURE of the bottles and carry the picture with you as a reminder?

I've found that a journal has really helped me immensely, too. As time passes, it can be all too easy to "forget" just how bad it got. That's just the opening my sick little addictive voice needs to start yelling at me. That journal shuts up that voice pretty quickly.

theaocp

That's a darn good idea! I can even use my new computer camera to keep a video log on the days when i don't feel like writing. Hmmmm ... creative and non-booze fueled juices are flowing, somewhat. Thanks, Try!

CarolD

Hi Alex....Welcome to our recovery community
Blessings to you and your wife ...

I finally quit drinking after I read "Under The Influence"
I wanted to know WHY my drinking became alcoholic.
Here is a link to excerpts ..Hope you will find it useful.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html

Also...this is info on why I too suggest checking with your doctor

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...at-we-did.html

Yes! you too can win over alcohol!

flutter

Hi again Alex, Sorry my post was so quick and reactionary earlier.. I was at work, and wanted to respond to how much I could identify with what you've been going thru.

Welcome. And, I did keep a bottle, for like... 3 days. It made me too sick, too shamed, too remorseful, not so hopeful.. so I tossed it, and felt GREAT about it. NO more secrets in the house, in the drawers, under the sink, hidden in clothes, on top of the bookshelf.. ugh...

Clean house, clean mind, a new day... a new life.

I'm glad you're here.

AcceptingChange

Hi Alex,
Congratulations on acknowledging a problem in your life and dealing with it. An amazing act of wisdom and intelligence, because it's so difficult.

I use a journal just as TryingSoHard does. It's actually a Microsoft Word document. And it has a table w/three columns.

Date:
Did I Drink Yesterday (Yes/No):
Thoughts:

I've got 6 months going. It reminds me of something i need to deal with every single day. And it's encouraging to see the previous day say "NO", and the days turn into weeks, and the weeks turn into a month.

For the 'Thoughts' column, i'll put in stuff like "AHHHH!! Yesterday's cravings were awful. I used Carol's idea of counting the minutes to see how long they passed. But it wasn't easy. Hope today is better."

Each day isn't easy. Some days i'm discouraged. But other days I'm encouraged.

I really recommend keeping up your momentum by doing something to work on this problem every day.
(And, personally, i'd throw the bottles away. Too much distraction.
Maybe take a picture and put it in your sock drawer. Or just write the words "3 Vodka Bottles" and put it in your sock drawer. You can remember what three nasty, ugly, filthy bottles look like, cantcha? :-) Better yet, name your journal file 3VodkaBottles.doc and don't pollute your sock drawer.)