tommy79

At a loose end tonight (on a Saturday night, sheesh...) and feeling a little sorry for myself. Thought I'd share here.

I'm fairly sure I'm near the end of my drinking days. 2 days sober today, in and out of AA for about 4-5 years, and finally starting to get it. But my yets were starting to be ticked off and I need to stop now.

Tonight I'm feeling confident in my sobriety (I mean about the next 24 hours) and am going to a meeting tomorrow lunchtime that I'm looking forward to. My specific blue feeling is: I've moved into a new house recently (about 2-3 months ago) and there's a new housemate here who is reeeally lovely. She showed every sign of being interested in me too, and she's basically my dream girl. But did I do anything about it? No. And why not? Honestly, deep down...because I wanted to drink, normally alone. Not an ideal mindset for winning someone's heart.

Now I'm 99.9% sure she doesn't know about my drinking. But because it's been my priority to drink above all, I just haven't played my cards right, and she's got dates with other guys galore...and I feel like I've just missed the boat.

I know this might sound stupidly petty to those who're suffering from the DTs or who went to jail etc. But this is just another example of drinking my life away so all these opportunities just pass me by. How often does one really meet "ideal" women? This girl was perfect for me but I've been more interested in...what? Sitting on my own in a dark room drinking wine. For some reason, I feel incredibly sad and lonely tonight reflecting on that. Not tempted to drink, not even worried about drinking; just sad.

In the long run, of course not drinking is the most important thing...plenty more fish in the sea and all that. I think this is more about sobering up, looking at my life, and asking myself: why? Why do I do this? When there are soooo many opportunities, great things I could be doing? The insanity of it has rarely felt clearer to me than right now.

And, also, more than ever...realising that unless I stop I won't ever be able to have a truly meaningful relationship, either with this girl or with anyone else.

Boleo

Until you have a worked the steps and lost the obsession to drink, dating might not be such a good idea. I know there is nothing in the Big Book that says you can't start a new relationship but there is plenty of anecdotal evidence that new relationships interfere with early recovery.