Summer2008

I have posted many times on the friends of alcoholics forum and I do learn a lot from there but most of the times there are no success stories. I am trying to learn as much about alcoholism because the man I love is an alcoholic.

What I'd like to know are the following, is it true that alcohol is the #1 love in an addicts life?

Is the alcohol worth risking everything you have?

Does an alcholic have to hit "their" rock bottom before they seek help?

What can I do to help without actually enabling?

ANGELINA243

Alcohol was my master at one point--I had to have it....regardless of the consequences. It wasn't worth the risk--but when you are in that state of mind...everything else...whether conscious of it or not--becomes secondary. I loved my family--but I was never home..I was at the bar. The drink dominated my life for a good number of years. Yes, before help can be made possible, i believe the alcoholic must reach a bottom--each one has different levels of course. Mine certainly was much lower than some other people I know of. I almost lost my life. One thing I have learned is that you don't have to wait until you lose everything before you seek help--but for those, like me....hardheaded, stubborn, selfish....I had to be beaten down by the bottle pretty bad before I even admitted that I might possibly have a problem.

Once I admitted I was alcoholic and needed help--help for me to become well was made possible. You cannot force anybody to get sober. That change--or desire to change must come from within the individual.

Summer2008

Thank you Angelina, I have stopped trying to "force" him to quit, because I understand only he can do that if and when he's ready. It's hard sometimes to keep myself out of it and to remember I didn't cause it (I think he has been this way for a long time) way before we met. It just took me a long time to come to realize the extent of his drinking. I have not made it a choice between me or the drinking, cause quite frankly I don't think he has reached his bottom yet.

I know alcoholism is a disease but gosh he takes his blood pressures pills for that, so just can't quite understand why he can't see what this is doing to him. I've heard him say many times, he needs to quit drinking, he needs to stick only with beer and so many "I need too's", yet he's still drinking.

In the mean time I know I have to make choices that are right for me and I guess I have not reached my bottom because we are still together. I went to an Al Anon meeting and their words were to RUN.

I admire those of you who who have realized you have drinking problems and are doing something about it....just wish bf was one of them.

Other then going to Al Anon and maybe a few A/A meetings to try to understand more any other words of wisdom or things I can do to help understand...

What was the bottom for each of you?

CarolD

I think you might benefit from reading the book
that convinced me to quit. Send him a copy

Here is a link with excerpts but do order the book
or it's sequel.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html

I went back and read your F&F post...
Run sounds like a wise idea.

least

Everyone's 'bottom' is different. Mine was all mental, I was losing my mind, not my material possessions. I was drowning in wine. I was considering suicide cause I saw no other way out of the mess I'd made. It was at my lowest point over 100 days ago that I was so sick of myself that I was willing to do anything to stay sober.

As much as it pains me, I have to admit that alcohol 'was' my number one priority. It floors me to think I was so selfish and distant.

No, alcohol isn't worth giving up on life.

And to help someone stay sober make sure they know of your 100% support. Hug them a lot. YOu can't get them sober or keep them sober, they have to do it for themselves. But your support and love will be most helpful.

gantz

yeah for me it was just dealing with feeling like death, the shakes, the anxiety, and the depression the day after. I guess I never really had any major tragedy that was rock bottom for me. I just was becoming more and more irresponsible with my life and health and needed to put a stop to it, but I think everyone has their breaking point. Some more extreme than others. Good luck with your situation.

bodychek

I think my bottom came the night my ex-wife (she reminded me I did this later) overheard me lying in bed with my sleeping 5 year old son and then my sleeping 3 year old daughter. She informed me that I held each of them and told them goodbye. She didn't know what to do so she called the police after I just sat on the sofa in a catatonic state. When the police showed up, I didn't know if I was going to kill myself or not but them coming over was enough for me to go to bed and not commit suicide that night.

I continued to drink almost every night for almost 3 more months. My story on how I finally sought help and quit drinking is after I finally surrendered. After an almost 24 hour binge I resolved myself to the fact that I was a drunk and no matter how hard I had tried to control my drinking I always failed. I gave up trying to stop or to even control my drinking. I accepted the fact that I was a drunk, I would always be a drunk, and that I would die a drunk. My only hope was that death would come soon and would be quick & painless.

Although not the traditional surrender, this was still a surrender. Without knowing it, I surrendered myself to the fact that I was powerless over alcohol and my life was unmanageable. How more unmanageable could life be if you were willing to take your own life.

This was my bottom. I still had a wife, I still had a house, I still had cars, I still had the company I started and ran, I was never arrested, I never got a DUI. We all have different bottoms.

Your partner needs to hit his bottom. He needs to realize that he cannot control his drinking. He needs to realize that alcohol is just the symptom of a mental disorder we all suffer. You need to realize that there is nothing you can do to make him stop. You also need to realize that you are not responsible for him or his drinking. You have to take care of yourself. You are a very strong person to stick with him while he continues to kill himself. My ex-wife couldn't handle it any longer and divorced me. That was her decision and I don't resent her because of it.

If you know anyone in AA or is in recovery, perhaps you could get them to talk to him informally. Usually the best thing for an alcoholic who may want to get sober to do is to talk to another alcoholic to see how similar we all are and that they are not alone.

That's enough out of me. My thoughts are with you.

justanothrdrunk

Alcohol the #1 love? Hardly. But it seems like it to others.

Alcohol worth risking everything? Of course not. But when I'm in ative use, I'm not exactly thinking very clearly. Plus it doesn't seem like a risk. Part of me still thinks I can control it, the sick part.

I do think everyone has to hit their bottom. But I take a little different spin on it than some. I believe everyone's bottom is the same. It just takes some longer to realize that they are at bottom than others. The consequences that go along with hitting bottom (legal trouble, health problems, job trouble, etc.) are more a residual effect and my belief is that folks have been on the bottom long before that stuff usually happens anyway. It's the consequences that helped me see the true gravity of the situation, but I was on the bottom for years before any consequences hit me.

As far as how to help, you really can't. You'll drive yourself crazy trying.

Tazman53

I was unaware of it when I was still drinking, but the last 5 years of my drinking my entire life revolved around drinking, so yes the last 5 years of my drinking alcohol was #1 in my life even though then I was unaware of it.

Was it worth it speaking in realistic terms? No.... but for me I did not think I was riskiing anything, heck I had never spent a night in jail, I only had one DUI, the occasional argument with the wife was not a risk, heck at the very end losing my wife and kids was not viewed as a risk. I still had a job and had only drank on the job occasionaly towards the end. In my head I had a great life, every day I woke up, showered and shaved, loaded up the cooler and went to work, got off of work and started drinking even before I left the parking lot at work and continued to drink after I got home by myself in my garage until I went to bed and passed out every night. In my head I risked nothing even though lookiing back on it I was risking my very life and everything I held dear in it.

Every alcoholic has a different bottom, for some of us that bottom is 6 foot under, for others they just get sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Mine..... well I had already surrendered to alcohol, I had given up the fight, I had decided I was going to drink when I wanted to drink as much as I wanted/needed, I had quit fighting what I could not stop doing.

My wife told me that her and the kids were moving out at the end of the month because they had a place lined up and she was not going to let the kids watch me drink myself to death. Well a normal person would have been crushed, but I thought that was great because once they were gone I could now drink in the house and not have any one griping at me!!!

I went out to the garage to drink some more and had a moment of clarity. In this moment of clarity I saw my life in fast forward if I kept on drinking. In less then a year I was going to lose my family, my job, my house and lastly my truck, all that would be left for me was to drink myself to death!!! This was the truth, this was my bottom!!!

Well I knew I was incapable of stopping drinking on my own so I called my insurance companies Alcohol & Drug hot line and they got me a doctors appointment the next day. After I had told the doctor the whole truth about my drinking he told me I needed to be medically detoxed so off to detox I went. In detox they told me if I wanted a chance to stay sober I needed to go to at least 90 AA meetings in 90 days and get a sponsor, in AA they told me if I wanted a chance to stay sober to take the steps.

That was over 2 years ago, I am still married and still have my kids and all the material things I had before that day. I have gained so much since then, I have regained my sanity, my happiness, the respect of others which I had lost, and the love of those who loved me.

Well I can only speak for what my wife did for me which pushed me right to the edge of that cliff, what my wife did for me was to let me know that her nor the kids were going to do ANYTHING for me!!!! They had to force me to face my alcoholism alone with absolutely no safety net!!!

I drank right up until the moment I saw there was no safety net, nothing!!! No roof over my head, no family, no truck, no job!!! No clean clothes, Just me, my bottle and death!

The only help I got was a ride to detox.

If my wife had told me she was willing to do anything to help me I would have still been drinking, dead, or well on my way to dying today.

Summer2008

Thank you everyone for your willingness to share your experiences with me. I have to admit as one that loves an alcoholic it's no walk in the park. I'm trying to learn the difference in setting healthy boundaries for myself, and giving a loving hand when needed without enabling (kinda a tough one there).

I thought about a month ago that he might be reaching the end of the rope and would see how excessive his drinking had become when he did several things that caused injuries to himself,fell off the 4 wheeler, hit his head on a 4 x 4 that was sticking out of the truck and hit his hand with a hammer when he was attempting to hammer something else. (All of those happened on different days but in a very close time frame).

I guess it's going to take more then that and who knows he may never reach his bottom as long as he is still breathing.

I know I can learn a lot just from reading the threads here and hopefully in some way maybe I can help others here by sharing the pain drinking brings to those that love you.

problemchild

Summer2008 My prayers are with you, i have devastated my family by things i have done when drinking, but that was not the real me. Excuse ? None, I cannot tell you how to deal with a drunk, but i can tell you that the others have given you good advice..
I pray for you and your husband.......

Take care,
John

CarolD

Summer...
we know about the pain we have caused.
Personally....I find guilt trippeing
is not condusive to anyones recovery.

I certainly hope you can disentangle yourself
from your involvement with an alcoholic.

Al-anon meetings are immensley helpful to many
in your situation. I suggest you return to them.

Good Luck..

Summer2008

I apologize it my working came out as "guilt tripping"...it was never intended that way.

problemchild

Carol, i disagree strongly, for me the memorys of my stupid actions as a drinker does help me remain sober, also i think your post was a little out of line soley based on your opinion and not the others of this site, we agree to disagree?

CarolD

My point is....

Recovery is about making changes and moving forward.