todd6138

Hi everyone. I had about a year and a half sober until sep. when i relapsed, drank slipped whatever. I did return to the rooms on sep23 since then, i have been feeling really stupid saying anything at the meetings. I feel like I have to shut up and listen and get a sponsor, but right at this moment no one will sponsor me. I do talk to other alkies and i have heard that this is a pride issue but I feel like it is more confusion than anything. Does anyone else feel like this?

sugErspun

Why won't anyone sponosor you?

I know that when I went to meetings and had no experience with what was being discussed (recovering from alcoholism) -I felt like an outsider.

Astro

I understand the pride issue, and I agree that sometimes it's best to take the cotton out of my ears and stick it in my mouth, but when you reach out for support someone should be there for you. So I have to ask also why nobody will sponsor you?

Often, when I'm in need of help but feel like I'm not getting it or I feel like I'm an outsider, I find that I'm not being honest with myself or anyone else. I'm not reaching out and verbalizing that I really need help NOW!

Glad to hear you came back to the program. Keep posting here and do the best you can to ask for help. If you can't find it in one room of AA, try others until someone helps you.

deezaldog

Good question-why won't anybody sponsor you? Often they will give a reason. The old timers in many meetings feel that a new/return alcoholic should listen for the first year of attending meetings. Many different opinions on that. The point I read is that you have returned to the meetings. That is great. What did you do for the time you were sober? Many sponsors I know will tell a person who has asked them to be their sponsor to read the first 165 pgs of the BB and then come back and ask them. If you are serious about sobriety you will persist in the work it requires. I hope all the best for you and just don't drink now!

tommyk

I doubt that no one will sponsor you. No offense, but ask yourself if that is really true.

Keep going to meetings. It doesn't matter how you feel, and you might feel a different way each time for a while.

When I quit drinking I was seriously CONFUSED. I didn't know what I was going to do with my life. But I knew I wasn't going to drink again. So I just went with the flow.

Keep coming back.

CarolD

The best place to find sponsors is in Newcomers Meetings
Those are where I would go if I wanted a sponsor.

Glad to know you are starting over.

Boleo

Try a different meeting. Even if it means going a half-hour further away.

In my area, Big Book meetings have the best sponsors.

Dreamingtree

It can be a few different things. You may be a little bit shy of expressing yourself to people you don't know quite well and it might take a little time to warm up to speak. Maybe you are struggling with denial questioning rather you are an alcoholic or not. Perhaps you don't feel like "one of them."

I had all of the above feelings when I first attended meetings. Regardless of the reason, just take it slow and know that there are many people in the meetings who feel the same way you do.

It's ok to just listen until you become comfortable. I guarantee that everyone there is wanting to embrace you. Sobriety can be overwhelming and she's your new best friend. It takes time to get to know her!

Just keep being yourself and be patient. Never give up!

Tazman53

Dumb question, but have you asked any one?

Have you shared at a meeting that you need a sponsor?

AA is a program of ACTION, all of them simple actions, but for many of us those simple actions are very hard to do, especially in early sobriety and almost impossible to do while still drinking.

My Pride & Ego were my biggest enemies while I was drinking and in early sobriety, I stayed drunk for many years after I knew I should quit because my pride kept me from asking for help.

Todd I will let you in on a secret.......... you can help a recovering alcoholic stay sober!!!

How you may ask? Well when you are in meetings are there any men there who have (not material things) what you would like to have? Go up to them before or after a meeting and ask if they would be your temporary sponsor.

I learned from my sponsor that I was helping him stay sober, and I have found that to be true for me as well, I gain Experience, Strength and Hope from every man I sponsor that helps me to stay sober today.

todd6138

I guess I should have worded things a little differently. I had a sponsor whom i fired because he ridiculed me often and was always telling people he is my sponsee and hes full of s**t and ridculed my spiritual beliefs about God backing it up with a one time conversation with a professional. I got a big resentment fired him wuit going to meetings and eventually relapsed. right now I am looking for another sponsor but many of them are mingling with this sponsor guy so I avoid most meetings except the open meetings where people seem to act nicer and are more helpful instead of constantly telling me to sit down and shut up. in these meetings held at this one church, no one will sponsor me presently because they are either busy to sponsor, etc. i feel confused because it is hard for me to define my role in AA or what to share right now in meetings because of my recent relapse. I feel pretty good right now and I feel like if a talk recovery than I will be accused of being dishonest due to my recxent relapse. anyway sorry for the confusion and i will be able to find a sponsor soon.

Ago

Heya,

I relapsed after quite a few years and had some pretty serious shame around it...the funny thing? I shared about it at group level, I "told on myself" that I was ashamed that I only had x number of months instead of x number of years.....

I was mobbed after the meeting, and many people clapped after my share, and people were sharing that they all struggled with shame about this or that, or relapsing after my share. I got a ton of hugs and a ton of thank you's for "being real"

The rule of thumb I had laid down for my sponsees, was it was cool to ask for help in a meeting their first year, or share something directly related to the topic, from their own experience strength and hope, but under no circumstances were allowed to "share their vast wisdom" or pontificate, because that's exactly what my sponsor/grandsponsor had said to me.

OK...well....not exactly...the truth is, I would shoot my mouth off at 30 days of sobriety and my Grandsponsor would drag me out of the meeting by my ear mid-share, i mean literally, I'd be sharing as I was being dragged out of the room, to tell me to STFU, because the truth was I was completely full of BS, but I was quite a bit more gentle with my sponsees, and that's the criteria I laid down.

this is what I asked my sponsees:

Are you asking for help?
or
Is what you are saying helpful to a newcomer?
or
Are you really talking about a difficult challenge you are facing (see #1)
or
Are you just shooting your mouth off trying to look cool, but looking stupid? (see preceding story, that's MY job, I hate when amateurs display my character defects)

for me, what I suggested to my sponsees about sharing was, are you sharing about the problem, with no solution? see 1 (ask for help) or, are you sharing about the solution? see 2.

Hang in there, it took me nearly a month of asking before I got a sponsor, I got more rejection then I did at high school dances (and I was A$$ ugly in high school) but today I wouldn't trade my sponsor for anyone else, God's Time, not mine.