Grace2u

I'm afraid what I say might encourage someone to pick up again, so I'm just giving a warning. If you're feeling a bit weak, maybe better not to read this.

I was sober and going to AA meetings for 7 years. I was really into AA and volunteered for 2 years at the AA phone service/help center in my town. I used to have drinking nightmares, waking in a cold sweat, before I realized it was just a dream, and I was still sober! I was a sobriety Nazi and even made my husband stop drinking. No booze in our house!

Won't bore you with why, but I started drinking again, about 8 years ago. And guess what! The sky didn't fall, my life didn't collapse.

Sober or not sober, I've never had a DUI or a car accident. I've never caused anyone harm by my drinking (though my family is worried about me). I'm self-employed, so my job isn't effected. I never get drunk, I just maintain a certain level by drinking all night (and sometimes start in the morning). My family considers it normal to have a sherry or 2 before lunch, and cocktails before dinner and wine with dinner. So I follow the family pattern and I know I'm an alchie. Problem is, my life is not unmanageable.

I've heard the term "functioning alcoholic", so I guess that's what I am. I've learned enough in rehab and in the rooms to teach this stuff. I know all the facts, like "this is a progressive illness". But so far, I seem to be maintaining at this level without any bad repercussions.

I read other people's stories, which only makes it worse for me cuz I think I'm not as bad as they are, so maybe I don't need to stop. I know this is denial.

All this being said, I've decided to check in to a rehab and try again. I have no health insurance so there goes $$$$. But I need help, cuz so far the denial is winning. My heart wants to stop drinking, but my head and my heart don't agree.

Thx for reading. Appreciate your thoughts.

CarolD

Hmm..
I think your share is a warning
for all of us to be vigilant and seek assistance.

I certainly hope you find answers that work in your life.

sugErspun

My head and heart rarely agreed (it is not the case today). Especially while actively drinking. If your life is manageable - then stopping drinking shouldn't be a problem, right? Just dry out, wean yourself off - and everything will be the same, less the alcohol.

Or - Is it possible that drinking makes your life seem manageable? I don't think it's much of a stretch to suggest that alcohol treats alcoholism.

TTOSBT

Why are you going to rehab?
If your life is not unmanageable and you don't get drunk, I am a little confused.
You say "I was going to AA for 7 years" and "I was really into AA". I find both of those phrases different than what I would say. So, I am curious. Did you go to AA and visit or were you an active member of AA? Did you participate? Did you get a sponsor? Did you work the steps? Did you read, etc? Did you take the suggestions? Or did you just attend and enjoy the fellowship and do some volunteer work? There is a difference.

My thought was that maybe your life never changed that much because you were just sober, not in recovery. If you were not in recovery, maybe there weren't many changes besides the lack of alcohol and therefore, returning to drink only changed the beverage, not the life.

I am a newcomer (4 months) and nothing you said made ME want to drink again. My life is SO different today than it was 4 months ago and I was a HIGHLY functional alcoholic. but my soul is different, my heart, my outlook, my likes, my dislikes, my hobbies, wow, just a ton of stuff. The only things that have stayed the same are my family and my job. And you know what? My relationship with both has changed a lot too. And lucky for me, today I really enjoy alcohol not being a part of my daily life.

tiburon88

Your post is VERY confusing. Maybe you were never a alcoholic to begin with? If everything is good in life why the heck stop drinking? Although I heard nobody gets to AA by mistake. Who knows there are exceptions to every rule though.

tib

sailorjohn

I dunno, you made the statement "I just maintain a certain level by drinking all night" which would make you a stage 3 maintenance drinker.
Not sure how you would characterize your life as manageable if you absolutely have to drink every day to live. Could be that you assume that one has to lose all of the material trappings to hit bottom, which is simply not true. Everything I've read about withdrawal from alcohol recommends very strongly that you seek professional help when you attempt to stop drinking, withdrawal from alcohol can be fatal.

lisa1235

i learned in early recovery that 1 of the top ten risks 4 relapse is testing ones contol.this is called controlled use.it is symptoms of our disease.it is progressive if continued.it can be managed for years but in the end we're back at step 1 powerless.if you truely are an alcoholic get help.i think your realizing this is bad 4 you.im sure you had a bottom at one time reflect..do you want to go that far agian?wish u luck.

Cathy31

8 Great post TTOSBT I can entirely relate - especially my soul is different.

I don't know Grace, unless you are super human () drinking all day would numb you entirely...you would not even notice if you were affecting others or what you felt about it anyway.

Maybe what sugerspun said is right, maybe alcohol makes you feel you are managing I don't know...something is tellling you it's not working though...I'd go with that...

Good luck and well done for reaching out!

Cathy31
x

Slowbriety

Ya know, I went to AA and sat down and started to listen to people talk about how it was for them. As each person talked I could check more things off the list of "that hasent happened to me" "I never did that" list than "yep, i did that." "yep, that happened to me" list. However, on some level I could relate. Yeah, I didnt lose a family (didnt have one to begin with) yeah, I didnt lose a house (didnt have my own house yet) nope, never had a DUI (yet) Nope never went to jail (yet) but having those not happen to me yet in no way discounted me as "non-alcoholic" I understood the loneliness, the trouble with relationships, the sheer inability to function as a "normal" human being. Most of my drinking was done alone, yet I hurt people and mainly those that loved me the most, my family (sisters, mother, father) I have been sober for years now and guess what? MY LIFE IS STILL UNMANAGABLE. As i sobered up mentally it was obvious that no matter if i were drunk or not drinking i suck at managing my life. Im very blessed to not to have gone to some depths as others but because i didnt that dosent make me any less of an alcoholic.

hughs dad

Dude... come on. This disease is PROGRESSIVE... You know that. I bet I could start drinking again to and not "kill anyone". That's not the point. If your drinking in the morning and throughout the day, does that seem like "normal drinking". Only you can decide what's best for you, but think about it. There was a reason that you were so involved for so long.

God Bless.

helpus

Well for me, I have never had a blackout, a DUI, don't get sloppy drunk, heck I didn't even have any usually untill after dinner. But I was quickley wanting my drinks stronger & stronger, would drink them faster & faster, would get a nice little buzz going, not downright drunk. But I am not waiting for the trainwreck. When I strat to drink I would have to say I am powerless. So I am now on day 8 without any. I might not be a "typical alcoholic" but drinking is not good for me. I hope you figure out things for yourself soon. Best of luck.

Tazman53

Grace just a few things about me perhaps you can relate to.

When I finally quit I easily admitted that once I had a drink I was powerless over alcohol, that was a no brainer for me even when I was fall down drunk or what I considered sober when I was drinking, I had reached the point in the end where alcohol ran my life, I had to drink in order to function.

I only had one DUI and that was probably 20 years before I quit, I never lost a job due to drinking, I never lost my family due to my drinking, I would have though in less then a month.

I was sober for 3 months before the unmanageability of my life became appearant to me. You see I thought that if I had a job I was managing my life. What I discovered after 3 months sober is that there is far more to managing my life then just having a job.

When I was drinking I was unable to be a real father or husband, I had no idea how to pay bills, no idea how I had car insurance, how the taxes got paid, how anything involved with running a house hold got done because my wife took care of all of that for years and years, I just worked and drank!

I did for a brief moment before I decided I needed to get into detox have a realization that I had no idea how to really take care of myself or my life, I knew that without my wife managing my life while I stayed drunk I was going to lose it all.

You say:
I do not know if you pray or not, but possibly praying for the "want to stop drinking" to enter into your head will help, or possibly simply asking for clarity in your life today will do the trick.

That is what I had, a moment of clarity, I did not pray for it that I know of, but I was given a moment of clarity which allowed me to see my life for not only what it had become, but where my life was going if I kept on drinking! My life was headed for me having nothing or no one except my bottle and a slow death from alcoholism.

Ananda

Grace....I drank for 8 years after being sober for 7....for the first 5 years of the drinking i was convinced that I wasn't affecting anyone...did an excellent job, didn't affect my family (who only thought i drank occationally), I was SOOOO sure i was not hurting anyone....

Despite the expense..going to treatment might really help you. Once you get off the alchohol, and expecially if friends and family will participate in the councoling session...you may start to see things differently.

And most importantly...sounds like you are not happy about the drinking since you are considering treatment.

beingjenagain

What an interesting disease.....what other sickness continues to tell you you have no problem?
I echo everyones response and know that if I started drinking again it would just be a matter of time, no matter of drinks, before I was right back to the old drunk useless pathetic drunk faking life at every turn.
I want more, don't you?
I deserve more, don't you?

BackToSquareOne

If you read your own post you can clearly see that your very conflicted in what your saying.You start out by saying that your in control and don't have a problem then you switch gears and talk about getting treatment for a problem you just got done saying doesn't exist. You sound very confused.

MadameAnxious

You can still be an alcoholic even if you don't get drunk. Think about two things: You're consuming alcohol on a daily basis, all the day long-that's very damaging to your body. And (I know this one from experience): you said your life was manageable. What happens when something goes horribly wrong? If you're anything like myself or my fiance, you'll binge. You'll cave in and try to find an escape. Just be careful. If you feel you should go to counseling. Maybe rehab is too strong for that. Unless, after seeing the counselor, they recommend it.

doorknob

I think ambivalence is much more characteristic of addicted individuals. In the very early stages I was probably in denial, but since then, I've been ambivalent, in and out of recovery.

SlvrMag

To me, it sounds like you are saying "Yeah, I have cancer, but it's not growing yet so I'll just wait and treat it later"

Grace2u

Thank God, thank God, thank God for you guys!!

My post last night is very confusing. I’d been drinking when I wrote it (of course), and I have been confused, but that is just DENIAL working me over. “Cunning, baffling, and powerful”, right? That little voice inside the head that keeps saying, “everything is fine, you can handle this”, is such a big part of this disease. Being partially drunk, or being totally drunk, what the heck is the difference? I am so sick.

I went to bed after posting, and I prayed to God to help me see the truth. The TRUTH is, my life has become unmanageable. My personality has changed drastically. I’m a loner to begin with, but I realized that there’s a difference between being a loner, and isolating. The truth is, I almost never leave the house, except to buy cigarettes. That's not normal.

My marriage ended a year ago. I have blamed it all on him. Last night, I took a good, hard look at myself and realized that, had I been sober, things might have been different (on my end, that is; not on his end). I’m happy to be out of the marriage, it was very toxic for me, but I forced myself to accept some of the responsibility for the failure for the first time. This is very painful, but lying to myself is just no longer an option.

My life has become unmanageable. I am depressed beyond belief, and everyone tells me I’m not the same person I used to be. They are right. Gee, do I think it could have anything to do with alcohol? Ya think? Sheesh!

I stayed up until 5AM this morning, and made myself read every word of the thread here called Excerpts from "Under The Influence". What an eye opener. There can be absolutely no doubt that I’m an excellent booze hound, and I DO need help.

I’ve got a rez in a rehab for September 17, and I already bought the train tickets. It’s a done deal, I just have to pack. I’m going to get sober and stay sober, with the help of God, and folks like you at SR and AA.

I cannot thank you enough for your kindness, and your honesty. If I had read my own post as a sober person in recovery, I would have thought, “this person is so sick, she can’t even see she’s sick”. Well, you all said it in many ways, but without being judgmental or condescending.

I can never repay you. Y O U are helping me to make this first step. And guess what? I can’t wait to start my new life. I think the saying is, “I want what you’ve got”. Sobriety. Mainly right now, I feel relief, and my heart feels merry! Ha! Whoopeeeeeee. :bounce

I’ll try to post again before I leave on Tuesday (it’s an overnight train trip to get to the rehab, cuz I hate to fly).

Much love and gratitude to you all. God bless you. Really.

SlvrMag

(((Grace2U)))) I am so happy to read this and I'm also happy you posted what you did in the first post. If you had not, you would not have re-read it and you might still be where you were before--in denial. Does that make sense?? I hope so!