I have lost myself..........
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Ohio
Posts: 25
I have lost myself..........
I am scared. I am not sure which direction I want to go in my life. My husband who is an alcoholic hasn’t drank in about 3 months. However, he has a herniated disc in his neck and back and his doctor has prescribed him Vicodin which he has been taking for over a year. He also smokes marijuana but not very much and only about once a month or so. He cheated on me in 1997 while very active and just recently 5 months ago when I kicked him out because I didn’t want to deal with the drinking and going out anymore. I kept letting him come back during the last time, probably about 4 times kicking him out and him coming back saying how much he loves me, blah, blah; all while he was cheating on me with some barfly who didn’t think he had a problem. The barfly called me and said that my husband broke her heart because he wanted to come back to me. He told me that that is the reason he kept going on somewhat with this girl was because she said she would call me if he broke it off, and she did. I finally just let him come back after the last affair after much debating, talking, his apologies, promises (of course) and all of his “sorry’s, I love you more than anythings”. We have been together for 18 years and married for 10 years. I met him when I was just 16 and he was 18. We have one daughter together who is 16.
I feel as though I have lost myself. I am scared to move on because I am so afraid things are going to just screw up again. Yes, the past is the past, but you learn from the past and I have learned that trusting him is a really hard thing to do. I am so afraid that if I let myself be off guard and start doing the things I enjoy and forgetting about all this mess, that I will just be shocked again. I try to imagine how it would be if I left him; it seems very peaceful. And then I get so sad about 18 years of being with someone being over. All the times we shared that were good. All the things we did together as a family. Do I love him (I feel as though I love him)– has all the pain taken place of the love? It has only been 5 months since the last horrid event. Are all these feelings okay right now and will they subside? Maybe I am being impatient. I am just scared to get back to myself and it really sucks. Seems my mind is so full of all the junk that has happened that I am not really living, just existing. I know time heals all pains but I am also afraid that if and when I do start recovering from this and things are going well for awhile and we stay together, if 5 years down the road all this happens again and I have wasted another 5 years with him. But who is to say that if I do leave him and meet someone else after a while that that wouldn’t last after 5 years. So should I use this 5 years on him or someone else? (I don’t know why I say 5 years, just a time frame I guess.) He has not done anything such as cheating while he has actually been sober and trying to recover. Only while active. I know that if he decided to drink and go out to bars again that he has used up all his chances with me and I would absolutely have to call it quits. He has wanted to do a couple of things recently that involved being in a partying atmosphere with people who drink and I let him know how I feel so he didn’t go. I don’t want to be the one stopping him, I want him to know that it isn’t right to do these things without me having to tell him. He should know by now. He is really a wonderful, caring man when not drinking. He still cannot open up and talk to me about too much. This he was great at while drinking but I can’t get a peep out of him about emotions and feelings now.
Seems, I just need to sit back and relax and let things fall into place? Maybe I am trying to control the uncontrollable. I just feel like I am missing out on life sometimes with all this junk going on. Any suggestions?! Thanks for reading my post……….Lolobug
PS: I posted this on both the al-anon board and the alcoholism board. Just wanted to hear from both sides. I hope that is okay. Thanks……..
I feel as though I have lost myself. I am scared to move on because I am so afraid things are going to just screw up again. Yes, the past is the past, but you learn from the past and I have learned that trusting him is a really hard thing to do. I am so afraid that if I let myself be off guard and start doing the things I enjoy and forgetting about all this mess, that I will just be shocked again. I try to imagine how it would be if I left him; it seems very peaceful. And then I get so sad about 18 years of being with someone being over. All the times we shared that were good. All the things we did together as a family. Do I love him (I feel as though I love him)– has all the pain taken place of the love? It has only been 5 months since the last horrid event. Are all these feelings okay right now and will they subside? Maybe I am being impatient. I am just scared to get back to myself and it really sucks. Seems my mind is so full of all the junk that has happened that I am not really living, just existing. I know time heals all pains but I am also afraid that if and when I do start recovering from this and things are going well for awhile and we stay together, if 5 years down the road all this happens again and I have wasted another 5 years with him. But who is to say that if I do leave him and meet someone else after a while that that wouldn’t last after 5 years. So should I use this 5 years on him or someone else? (I don’t know why I say 5 years, just a time frame I guess.) He has not done anything such as cheating while he has actually been sober and trying to recover. Only while active. I know that if he decided to drink and go out to bars again that he has used up all his chances with me and I would absolutely have to call it quits. He has wanted to do a couple of things recently that involved being in a partying atmosphere with people who drink and I let him know how I feel so he didn’t go. I don’t want to be the one stopping him, I want him to know that it isn’t right to do these things without me having to tell him. He should know by now. He is really a wonderful, caring man when not drinking. He still cannot open up and talk to me about too much. This he was great at while drinking but I can’t get a peep out of him about emotions and feelings now.
Seems, I just need to sit back and relax and let things fall into place? Maybe I am trying to control the uncontrollable. I just feel like I am missing out on life sometimes with all this junk going on. Any suggestions?! Thanks for reading my post……….Lolobug
PS: I posted this on both the al-anon board and the alcoholism board. Just wanted to hear from both sides. I hope that is okay. Thanks……..
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: El Paso, Tx
Posts: 5,862
Hi Lolabug!
Sorry your feeling so lost right now. I can semi- relate. I guess the question is if you still love him enough to continue working on it? I don't see though in your post how you have tried to do things for yourself, and take care of yourself!
My hubby and I have been married 23 years and he has been very patient with my alcoholism. But it finally took it's toll on him and we seperated for about a year and a half. What I didn't realize I needed that time as well to see if he was who I really wanted as well. It was hard to do since I couldn't quit drinking long enough to figure it out. But I learned to be on my own, it was brutal at first! But I got to enjoy it. I had a lot of time to think, get used to life without him around the house all the time ( he moved only a few block up the street) and just try to see if we had a chance. Well he did move back about 8 months ago, and I still hadn't quit drinking. I knew he felt he had made a mistake. But once I got sober things changed, that time away from each other was a blessing, and now we are learning to really work at marriage. I too married young and can understand your fear. I don't usually suggest a seperation to anyone, because like I said it was brutal at first.
Maybe you just need some time away for awhile. If this is an option for you I suggest you try it and find how to take care of yourself for once! Doesn't seem like you have done that for awhile. You deserve to be happy, and as I always say, if it's meant to be, it's meant to be.
Even though hubby is sober now, I sense your fear of him relapsing. I can't imagine living like that constantly. You need time for yourself girl! Take it before you have anymore regrets. You'll never know until you try. Maybe you could just get away for a weekend by yourself to do some soul searching. Geezz, I've rambled on long enough....
My prayers will be with you!
Sorry your feeling so lost right now. I can semi- relate. I guess the question is if you still love him enough to continue working on it? I don't see though in your post how you have tried to do things for yourself, and take care of yourself!
My hubby and I have been married 23 years and he has been very patient with my alcoholism. But it finally took it's toll on him and we seperated for about a year and a half. What I didn't realize I needed that time as well to see if he was who I really wanted as well. It was hard to do since I couldn't quit drinking long enough to figure it out. But I learned to be on my own, it was brutal at first! But I got to enjoy it. I had a lot of time to think, get used to life without him around the house all the time ( he moved only a few block up the street) and just try to see if we had a chance. Well he did move back about 8 months ago, and I still hadn't quit drinking. I knew he felt he had made a mistake. But once I got sober things changed, that time away from each other was a blessing, and now we are learning to really work at marriage. I too married young and can understand your fear. I don't usually suggest a seperation to anyone, because like I said it was brutal at first.
Maybe you just need some time away for awhile. If this is an option for you I suggest you try it and find how to take care of yourself for once! Doesn't seem like you have done that for awhile. You deserve to be happy, and as I always say, if it's meant to be, it's meant to be.
Even though hubby is sober now, I sense your fear of him relapsing. I can't imagine living like that constantly. You need time for yourself girl! Take it before you have anymore regrets. You'll never know until you try. Maybe you could just get away for a weekend by yourself to do some soul searching. Geezz, I've rambled on long enough....
My prayers will be with you!
Moderator
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Leaving Sparta
Posts: 2,912
Hi Lolo.
Years of living with an alcoholic can make someone neurotic.
Many people in alcoholic relationships lose themselves waiting and hoping their spouse will change.
Fear, confusion , doubt ,anger and hurt are just some of the symptoms that affect the person in a dysfunctrional relationship and very often they are even unaware of their own feelings because they are so enmeshed in the other persons life.
Trying to control the behavior of an alcoholic spouse is indeed an impossible task and the only thing we have any real control over is the way we allow other people to affect us.
Alanon is a programme for people who love alcoholics and it is an excellent way to try and put things into perspective and start taking control of our own lives again.
Alanon can help us to establish boundaries and help us to start making some healthy decisions for ourselves.
Alanon may even be able to help us to make some choices about what we will or will not accept in a relationship.
The bottom line is this.......we are powerless over others.The only thing we can do is start caring for ourselves.
Years of living with an alcoholic can make someone neurotic.
Many people in alcoholic relationships lose themselves waiting and hoping their spouse will change.
Fear, confusion , doubt ,anger and hurt are just some of the symptoms that affect the person in a dysfunctrional relationship and very often they are even unaware of their own feelings because they are so enmeshed in the other persons life.
Trying to control the behavior of an alcoholic spouse is indeed an impossible task and the only thing we have any real control over is the way we allow other people to affect us.
Alanon is a programme for people who love alcoholics and it is an excellent way to try and put things into perspective and start taking control of our own lives again.
Alanon can help us to establish boundaries and help us to start making some healthy decisions for ourselves.
Alanon may even be able to help us to make some choices about what we will or will not accept in a relationship.
The bottom line is this.......we are powerless over others.The only thing we can do is start caring for ourselves.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Charleston S.C.
Posts: 1,461
Hi Lolo, Welcome to the site. We do have an alanon
board on this site. I can only try to understand your feelings. Sadly I am the alcohlic in my family and my wife has experinced some of your problems. What turned me around was a get sober or get out ultimatium. I know it is hard but, you must save yourself. Just like your husband needs to address his problems. This is hard to admit but, I used all the chances Debby to continue to drink. In many cases my wife and others become our mothers and it is hard to give that up. You must be strong and I feel you will also help him. You can support him but, if you go down with him nobody wins. My thoughts are with you. Please check out the Alanon board. Don W
board on this site. I can only try to understand your feelings. Sadly I am the alcohlic in my family and my wife has experinced some of your problems. What turned me around was a get sober or get out ultimatium. I know it is hard but, you must save yourself. Just like your husband needs to address his problems. This is hard to admit but, I used all the chances Debby to continue to drink. In many cases my wife and others become our mothers and it is hard to give that up. You must be strong and I feel you will also help him. You can support him but, if you go down with him nobody wins. My thoughts are with you. Please check out the Alanon board. Don W
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