gravity

I have made it through the most stressful 5 days of my 2 ½ months of sobriety. The situation involves the health & safety of a close relative – the situation is improving but still uncertain. During these 5 days, there was a familiar thought in the back of my mind ….have a few beers & the stress will go away.

The fantasy- The mental picture was very vivid. A quiet lounge. Low light. Slow, bluesy music in the background. A pint of ice cold beer in a frosty glass. My good friend listening to my concerns, empathizing, helping me figure things out. The stress melting away. Absolute unrealistic garbage.

The reality - If I did find myself in a lounge with a beer in front of me, I would feel an overwhelming sense of guilt, of throwing everything away, of self disgust. I honestly believe I would by shaking with revulsion & anticipation at the same time. My friend would not be comforting me, rather he would be focused on his drinks, planning a night of out of control drunkenness in the name of letting loose, effectively (but unintentionally) feeding my alcoholism. It would be two or three days (past experience) before I would sober up – my family, my career, my reputation, my health all seriously damaged – the self hatred unbearable - where I have been so many times. This is at best. I could come to in jail or a hospital - if at all.

I have had reinforced or learned several things over the past 5 days.

My alcoholism is unrelenting – it will attack me when I am at my weakest.
I need my Creator & my allies to keep me sober.
I must continuously work on my sobriety – a lifelong commitment if required.
When I am sober, I am strong – I can deal with the hard things in life effectively only if I have a clear mind.
I have to stay sober in order to be there for those I love. This is my responsibility.
I will never enjoy a beer again for the rest of my life.
I can beat this – I can stay sober.

Right now, my family is safe & sound asleep. I am sober & 100% committed to my sobriety. I will do what it takes. I'm where I'm supposed to be.

warrens

Ah, Gravity

First, your last sentence says it all. It makes everything worth it.

Second, your last sentence is just what I needed to get to sleep tonight. Safe, sound, sober and with my Susan.

Thank you!

warrens

nolonger

Thanks for posting that, gravity. I'm glad you made it through that patch in one piece. That escape route - drinking - is a death sentence for you and me, fast or slow.

So I know what you mean, but I wouldn't put it like this:

more like... I'm clear of all that sh*t, and the superficial taste and smell and feel of things can never bring me back there.
take care,
nl

CAPTAINZING2000

ask yourself, what would a drink do to improve that situation?

Any difficult situation, compounded by drinking ends up for the most part an even worse situation

StayinAlive

I like the way you think Gravity, turning the fantasy into reality before it can bite you. Your just getting stronger and well rehearsed with each challenge successfully met. I am looking forward to the day when my first thought is of solution, not dilution. Its getting closer and closer Hope all goes well with your relative and thanks for the inspiring post.

CarolD

From my files....

October 2, 2002

Fantasy

Above all, we reject fantasizing and accept reality.
The more I drank, the more I fantasized everything.
I imagined getting even for hurts and rejections.
In my mind's eye, I played and replayed scenes
in which I was plucked from the bar
where I stood nursing a drink,
and was instantly exalted to some position
of power and prestige.
I lived in a dream world.
AA led me gently from this fantasizing
to embrace reality with open arms.
And I found it beautiful!
For at last, I was at peace with myself.
And with others. And with God.


BB First Edition
Page 559 in newer editions.

CarolD

Prayers going out for you and yoour family member.

Thanks for sharing how we can recover.

Freedom1990

Thanks for the share!

SF69

Thanks Gravity, glad to hear the situation is improving.

A little over a week ago, the 'reality' finally entered my mind. It's really helped in keeping the 'fantasy' in check.

caraway

Thanks for the share Gravity. Great to hear you're coping so well. I hope the situation with your close relative continues to improve. And thanks for the reminder of thinking of the reality of those 'drinking' thoughts.

AnotherDrunk

Good for you that you thought the entire thing out the way you did.

That's amazing you do that because so many just want the quick fix and don't think about the feelings and repercussions that happen afterwards.

I admire you very much and I need to get to that same exact place.

I was there for 22 years and got sober in 83 after going to treatment on my own. No DUIs, no huge bottom, just knew I was a drunk after watching my father be one.

Relapsed 3 years ago and have had fairly long bouts of not drinking here and there and felt so good after going 6 months both times but my mind plays games with me every time. I need to stop this game in my head and I know this now but at the time it seems so real and not at all a game.

gravity

I will never enjoy a beer again for the rest of my life. That kind of sounds like I feel deprived...definitely not the case at all! A better choice of words to express how I feel is that I am certain that alcohol will never provide me with any kind of relief or enjoyment. I'm done chasing that fantasy! I fully agree with your words as well, nolonger.

Today was such a fine day. I feel like I was given a day off from dealing with my family matter...all quiet on that front. A tiny bit of background - it involves a very much loved young person caught up (I think) in addiction. In retrospect, I feel like I did have a victory last week - did everything I could to help, honoured all of my other commitments & responsibilities, was strong, did not drink. I have to continue to keep my strength up as this matter is nowhere near being resolved. Better days lie ahead, of this I am certain.

I appreciate everyones prayers & support. It really does help me stay strong, focused, sober. I also just have to mention that today I was rewarded in my own way - I finished my steps 5, 6, & 7. Perfect timing! It's really hard to describe how I feel right now - grateful, free, peaceful - that doesn't even cover it.

Anyway, thanks for your help! I wish everyone the best in achieving your dreams. We can do this! D

Tazman53

StayinAlive I love that quote, I also love living in the solution!

Gravity good job on walking through life rather then drinking life away!!!

I know that feeling you describe after 5, 6, & 7!!!!

Impossible to describe is so true, after the years of hell to be in a place like that is awesome!!!!

I will have your young loved one in my prayers and you as well, your sobriety is the best thing you can do for young loved one.

Lauriejess

I likd your share.

Thank you.

L

gravity

A tiny bit of background - it involves a very much loved young person caught up (I think) in addiction.

Sorry for (sort of) changing the subject of this thread. I received two phone calls today from this young lady - first call she was drunk, second call she was alone, upset, alcohol withdrawals, asking for help, needing someone to talk to. We are not in the same city so all I can really do is try & help her when she calls. I have been giving her as much love, understanding, & hope as I can & I am advising her to the best of my ability but it's hard to keep my own emotions in check. I also told her she can call me at any time.

This is unbelievably hard - I'm trying to help this little girl who I love so much & here I am only 2 1/2 months sober. I have to do this - help her in the right way & keep myself strong, sober. My Creator, my wife & my sponsor are helping me stay strong and I have to keep believing that this will all work out in a good way. Respectfully asking for prayers. Thanks.


Some days, I just f**king hate alcohol

barb dwyer

Gravity - congratulations.

And thank you for sharing that.

*prayers*

Tazman53

gravity I know this may sound harsh, but if she calls drunk again ask her to call back when she is sober. I had to do this with my son, experience has shown that talking to a drunk is pretty much a waste of time, if you tell them to call back when they are sober for some odd reason they do remember that. You both are still in my prayers.

Dean62

Gravity your a good person and I know you will do the right thing. Just a thought, are you keeping an eye on your expectations?

gravity

Barb, Tazman, & Dean

Thank you so much for the prayers & support. Tazman, I agree with your suggestion and have discussed it with with my wife & sister. We have agreed that any drunken phone calls will be met with a quick 'Call back when your sober, gotta go.' And Dean, thanks for the eye-opener - my own expectations - of the young lady, myself, & the rest of my family. I want to fix everything! But there is really very little I can do & she is in the Creator's care. I managed to talk to her social worker and they are keeping an eye on her - she told me not to worry. My sister told me to just let it play out - everything will be fine. Wow! Just looking at this post really shows just how much support we have. Thanks again.