redstuff

I am 22 days sober today! Thankfully my thought processes are becoming less fragmented and I am beginning to feel a bit more like what I remember a human being feeling like. My emotions are more stabilized and my diet is much improved.

I started out reading the AA books big and small. I felt good about it till I got to step 4 where I began to feel like I needed some help. I received some resources to make step 4 easier, and made some calls to a few recovering AAs. I went to a meeting, but nothing really felt right. Just didn't feel like I could connect in a manner that would be beneficial to my journey in recovery. Frustrated, I picked up a book that my wife ordered for me. I'm sure lots of people here are familiar with "Under the Influence". For the first time so far what I read here made complete sense. The entire book seems to have the perspective that I have had in mind about this disease as a whole, but didn't know until I read it. The fact that this is a physiologic disease and that it is primarily genetic in nature vs the defects in character----> alcoholism concept really struck home with me. Simplifying step 4 into a new beginning for a new life-style vs dwelling on the negatives of past behavior when I did things while under the influence also improved my outlook about recovery and maintaining sobriety.

Now, I've always had a difficult time relating to people, even before alcohol was involved. I anticipate that I will even have trouble finding someone even within this disease state that is on the same wavelength. I would like to find a group of people, or even just an individual that I can realte to. With all that in mind, does finding a sponsor that feels right simply boil down to "trial and error", or is there more to it? Any tips on finding the right match would be much appreciated.

sugErspun

It may be your first 'leap of faith' in recovery.

For years - I always equated asking someone to sponsor me with asking a girl I didn't know out on a date - VERY scary (at least for me)...

then one day I was really hurting, I called up someone I didn't even know and said I need help - I can't do this alone. It just happened to work out.

Find someone who has what you want - at a meeting, and introduce yourself. If things go well - ask if they will take you through the steps - the sponsor's only duty.

Emimily

haha sugEr, we're just the same. when i asked my sponsor to work with me, i told her that i felt like i was asking her out on the most important date of my life.

otherwise, same deal-i found someone who wanted what i had and i was willing. that's my whole deal, i was willing to do what i needed to do to get and stay sober. if that meant reading every time we met, following suggestions i didn't necessarily like, or going to new meetings where i didn't know anyone, i did it. and it's worked, so far. leaps of faith usually turn out pretty good.

mike_mass

For me it has been trial and error. One or two people who sounded really good at meetings ended up not working out, while another guy who at first turned me off a bit ended up being great. Sometimes a person's reputation in the group is a good benchmark. Ask around a bit...you are bound to find someone.

SF69

Thank you for starting this thread. It's something I'm wondering about too.

I read the one pamphlet on sponsorship that I got at my first meeting, and it answers most of my questions. I guess I'm just hung up on how to find someone I can relate to this early on, while many are telling me to get a sponsor ASAP.

And sugerspun, good analogy. This exact feels like asking a girl I hardly know to go out.

Tazman53

redstuff excellent and important question.

For me I started off with a "Temporary" sponsor, not by my choice but by his! My arse was whipped but good, I was willing to do anything suggested to stay sober, I knew if I started drinking again I was right back on the track to hell and death. In detox they told me at least 90 AA meetings in 90 days and get a sponsor.

When I walked into that 1st meeting after detox I was scared to death in so many ways, I was scared to drink again, I was scared not to drink again, I was scared to be in that meeting!!! I was commited to do what ever it took to stay sober though so I walked up to this guy I had never seen before and asked him to be my sponsor.

Well he looked at me and said "No, but I will be your temporary sponsor." We sat down and talked for a while, he explained that early on a temporary sponsor was best, because he would help me through the early days with his experience, but he would also help me look for a long term sponsor. He explained that a sponsor to do the steps with needs to be some one you trust, and some one who walks the walk of sobriety as well as talks the talk.

This worked very well for me, he was a great guy, but traveled a lot, he helped me stay sober my first 3 months with some simple suggestions and also guided me towards a long term sponsor. After staying sober for 3 months with his help and a lot of other folks at meetings, I found a man that had what I wanted, I trust him and like him as a person, we have gone through all 12 steps and continue to work on them together.

The 4th step when I first got sober scared the hell out of me, but with some time sober and a good sponsor the fear left me, I heard what the old timers said about the 4th step, do it when you want the pain to stop!!! Well I can attest that the 4th step done with a sponsor does set one free!

Please keep in mind that it is your right to fire a sponsor and get another one!

collinsmi

That's a good question. It's hard to spot someone who really knows how to work the steps if you're just starting out. I prayed about and on the day I had to get one I wound up asking the right guy. I'd suggest going to a closed step study or big book study (closed meetings seem to attract fewer people who aren't serious about the program) and picking someone of moderate temperament who has a lot of time AND seems to know what they are talking about (in regards to the big book/steps). A prayer first wouldn't hurt either. Don't make too much of this. Getting/having a sponsor is a whole different thing than looking for one.

CarolD

Please look for the AA pamphlet

"Questions and Answers on Sponsorship"

It's usually on the free literature rack at meetings.

Good to know your feeling better