queenteree

Hi all, I post of F&F and have a quick question:
My husband was a recovering A for over 14 years without one relapse! In that time, he says he thought about drinking but he never did. He relapsed several years ago, drinking for weeks straight with a week break every so often (when his body couldn't take it anymore). Anyway, he still is not sober, but he thinks he's playing this little game of "trying" and he's 75% there. Right now he's court mandated to an intensive outpatient alcohol treatment program, but he has an attorney to get it dropped in 2 weeks. Anyway, I understand that me, a non-A, cannot possibly understand the thoughts of an A, so I am asking you all for clarification. My AH says that he takes his sobriety/drinking one day at a time (hence, he is working the program), he may not drink today, but he can't guarantee he won't drink tomorrow. OK, I understand that concept. But I feel he interprets it to say "if I feel like drinking tomorrow, it's OK, as long as I stop eventually" because that seems to be the pattern he has (such as drinking on weekends when he doesn't have his alcohol treatment and not during the week, when he is tested) and he thinks I should stick by him cause he's doing "everything right" and that w/alcoholism, that's the way it goes, one day at a time. My interpretation (as a non-A) of ODAAT is that of I will not drink today, and if tomorrow I feel the urge to drink, I will try my best to embrace my sobriety, call my sponsor and do anything I can to get thru the day without a drink" and that one day of not drinking leads into the next day of not drinking and after a while you have weeks and months of not drinking. I understand you must get thru today, but he seems to think that if tomorrow you want to, oh well, it's part of the disease. What do you all think?

Sugah

For me, ODAAT is an emotional commitment. If I stay emotionally in the moment, I'm not drawn to the past or the future and all the fears, anger & resentment, expectations and ego that go along with it and lead me to drink.

It took working the steps to teach me how to do that. If I'm emotionally present in the day and not in yesterday or tomorrow, I can handle life without the use of alcohol. For a time, I had to borrow the hope and experience of others, and lots of meetings & work with a sponsor helped me while I walked through the steps.

I have never promised anyone I wouldn't drink again. I know that my recovery from alcoholism is a daily reprieve contingent upon the maintenance of my spiritual condition. If I maintain my spiritual condition, I can deal with what comes my way, ODAAT.

I can't answer for your husband or what it means to him. If he hasn't already, perhaps he should be asking his sponsor to help him clarify the meaning of ODAAT.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

User_Name

In the first two weeks for me, I was telling myself I wouldn't drink today but I may tomorrow. It was (and still is) very hard to tell myself I will never drink again, so I just don't drink today. That's all I really have to keep me going, I'm very good at rationalizing a drink, and find myself saying "There is no f-ing way I can not ever drink again, so I may as well just give up and get drunk right now"

Usually if I say "I'm not drinking today, but I will tomorrow" I'll wake up the next day with a little bit more strength and somehow make it through that day without drinking. I usually have a tough time in the evenings, and when I wake up in the morning many times I realize I was just tired and for me that's a trigger.

I try not even to worry about tomorrow because it's not here yet. I tend to just try as hard as I can to make it through today, and worry about tomorrow when it comes.

Anna

Hi,

I do try to live in the present, even though that's not always easy. It seems that we are often pulled and pushed into the past or the future many times during a day. But, I try to focus on the moment, because that is all we have.

I am not an AA person, but my intention is to get through each day without drinking, not just today. I am not drinking today and tomorrow, drinking will not be an option. 'Never' is a word that is difficult to use, but I have promised myself that I will not drink again and I have learned to honor myself and so I believe that I will keep that promise.

laurie6781

Odaat

Yardbird

I use ODAAT as a check on my ego. A lot of us, after we've had some sober time, even just a little, like to imagine that our drinking problem is all over. What matters when I wake up in the morning is what I'm going to do *today* to keep the sobriety that allowed me to wake up without a crushing hangover. It doesn't matter that I have had a week, a month, a year, and so on...it matters what I'm doing today.

I've also been where you are, Queentree, dealing with a partner who seemed to be using the slogan as an excuse. For her, it was, "sure I'm high today, but, hey, I can always get sober tomorrow...one day at a time, right?" That drove me totally insane, and I wanted to strangle the next person who even said "yeah, one day at a..." ERGH! You have my sympathy, big time.

Anyway, I had to learn to control my own anger, inpatience, obsession, and et cetera in dealing with her just as much as I did with my own drinking. As you probably know, AA and Alanon/Naranon use many of the same slogans, including "just for today," and I actually found it helpful to apply that to how I dealt with her: Just for today I can not try to control her, can let her make excuses, can focus on my own life..." That's the only way I got (sorta) sane--one day at a time. Dang, I sure hate finding deep truth in cliches, but there it is.

Best wishes to you.

jadopa

I really hate to be negative, I know that is rarely useful to people. I can tell you based on my experience, which I have not even admitted to myself that I need help. I myself being addicted to ciggarettes have used that very same principle to rationalize my next cigg when I was trying to quit. I guess for me its a scapegoat saying. Which is sad because I did want to quit, but I sabataged myself. I have noticed that I have a hard time with finality of anything. So saying never is very hard. I am not saying that your husband is this way, but it is a possibilty. If you have that kind of relationship, maybe you could talk with him about it. Good luck to your family.

Anna

I agree with you Yardbird that it doesn't matter how much sober time we have, our recovery still needs work every day. It's a joyful kind of work, but it's always a focus for me.

miss communicat

For me, living One Day At A Time has become the rhythm of my life. It means to stay in the present. To accept what comes, and to live peacefully with what comes my way. Like sugah said, its an emotional commitment.

How it relates to sobriety is that I never did well when I thought (told myself) that I can NEVER drink EVER again. The burden of the future would bear on me and I would get very anxious fearing failure or worse, a doomed life of deprivation.

So, if I can break it down to not drinking for today only, I feel calmer and freer.

So, I choose to not drink, just for today.

nandm

I could not have worded it better.

The only thing I can add is for me to start taking it one day at a time I had to face the reality that drinking was no longer an option for me as it was killing me and everyone around me. Only then was I able to accept living in the present moment. Acceptance of my situation allowed me to live within the parameters of what is in my control which is what I choose to do today, this minute, not tomorrow or yesterday. Today I choose not to kill myself by picking up the drink and I pray that every today I have I will make the same choice to use the tools available to me to keep my choosing not to drink today.

laurie6781

Sorry wouldn't let me edit, lol.

Spend these 4 days finding yourself a 'comfotale' place for you. Go the the neared Alano Club and hire some strong, youg, sober fellows (they are always looking for ways to earn money). Have them load the U Haul with your things and unload it, take all your personal papers (ie. DL, vehicle registation, insurance papers, etc).

Then go stay at your new place, YOU HAVE EARNED IT !!!!!!!!

Love and hugs,

Omega Man

What you describe is not ODAAT (IMO) it's manipulating the program to fit his needs to drink.
Drinking on the weekends and then not (when you know your going to be tested), and claiming "I'm doing what I'm supposed to, I'm 75% of the way there", is not working a program - it's taking advantage of it to satisfy the court and his desire to keep drinking.

I'm new to sobriety, just over a month sober, so I may be off in my thinking. But I do know that I'm not drinking today and I have no idea what will happen tomorrow, but as of this moment, I have no plans or thoughts about drinking tomorrow. Seems like your AH does.

If I don't drink during the week or even for weeks on end but I know I will when the opportunity arises, then I'm no where near embracing a program of recovery. Isn't this what your AH is doing?

Sheryl85

If memory serves me, Dr. Bob and Bill W. said that they intended to never drink again and how they would try to do it would be “One Day at a Time” using the principles they had discovered in this program. Well, that’s not exact, but it’s close enough to the way it was explained to me in the early days. Anyway, that’s how I am trying to work this drinking thing…ODAAT. However (since I practice a spiritual program), I have found that God rewards honest effort and not wishful thinking, so that means there must be action on my part.

The Twelve and Twelve mentions that only Step One can be worked to 100% perfection. The remaining Steps are guides by which we measure our progress. Personally I have to remember that Step One has a dash in the middle which tells me there is two parts. It was the second part that nearly got me drunk after 13 years. (I forgot that my life was still unmanageable by me.) Perhaps that has happened here.

Something else I gleaned from reading the BB and 12x12 was if I had done all those things asked of me in Steps Two through Ten, then sanity would return. This requires Action on my part! “And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone—even alcohol. For by this time sanity will have returned.” Now nowhere in there does it say one word about sanity staying. That’s where working my maintenance Steps come in. Once again action on my part is required. That’s what I discovered anyway…

Perhaps soon your husband will have found that coldest, darkest, loneliest place and will be willing to try again. There are people out there that can give him a hand, but he has to be willing to do the work to come back. Regardless of where his problem lays, you remember to take care of yourself.

Miss Pink

Trying to understand why an alcoholic thinks the things he thinks is like trying to shove a wet noddle up a cat's azz.

Cant be done. I tried.

The cat bit the stuffing outta me.

Zoobear

Sounds like your getting played. Lay down the rules you need to stay healthy. Tell him he can stay with you today but maybe not tomorrow.

caitlin666

w

omega mans words are more eloquent than mine so ive pinched his , this is exactly as ive interperated your husbands actions queenteree.

seems to me that hes manipulating you all. i hope im wrong

queenteree

Thanks to all of you who replied. And Omega Man and Caitlin - I totally thought it was manipulation too, but like I said, I'm not an alcoholic, so I thought maybe I could be off base a little. I always thought you must be committed to recovery, to wait to be sober above all else, not only 75% of the time, to suit the needs of others. That's how I saw it. That's how I work my recovery (Alanon). Zoobear - I love your suggestion, I'll be with him one day at a time, here today, but if I'm gone tomorrow, so be it. And Sheryl85, I doubt he will ever find that lonely place, he tends to never suffer the consequences of his actions, and he constantly reminds everyone and laughs about it. For instance, two weekends ago, he was so drunk, he couldn't walk, fell into two parked trucks, smashed his head and face, blood all over and got a lung contusion, he laughs, says "drunks bend, they don't break" as if it's funny! He really looked like a pathetic drunk just laying there, and I left him there unconcious till my daughter ran to his rescue. That's when I knew I had to go.
Nandm - he doesn't live with the fact that drinking is not an option. He knows it not an option during the week, but he thinks he can control it (I guess the other 25% of the time). He's no dummy to alcoholism, he was sober for over 14 years without a relapse. He's relapsed for like 4 years straight then just went to rehab in June (after he almost died from a BAL of over .40), replased in September and has been drinking steadily ever since.
And Laurie - I'm going to find a place and get those strong, sober movers and enjoy my peace very soon. Thanks to all.

barb dwyer

The Point of Power is in the Present.

Alcoholics - have a harder time staying in the NOW ... than others.

Look down at your hands. Right now.
That's HERE.
That's TODAY.
That's HAPPENING.

In order to not get lost in some imaginary future that alcoholics use to drink and ESPECIALLY in a now long gone PAST ... and the pain or fear that surrounds either or both - I have to stay HERE.
TODAY.
NOW.

Alcoholics have to wage a continual reprogramming of the personality in order to stay present in the here and now.

There is only today.
yesterday is gone.
learn from it and be done.
Tomorrow
hasn't been dreamed awake yet.
*I* dont' dream any future, anyhow.
The Infinite does.

Through me.
Today.

That leaves me ... here.
and Now.

That ... is the power of the alcoholic if they can manage it.
The steps - help build that capacity like no other thing I know. (yet)

I will not tell you that I will never drink again, either.
An alcoholic cannot in all honesty ever make that statement.

All I have to offer .. is the now.
All I have ... is the NOW.
And the commitment that in *my* now ....
I am ALL here.

One day.
One day .. is all I have.
One day, at a time.

Tazman53

queenteree, you have received many great replies to the ODAAT and how it can work for recovering alcoholics, I really can not add anything to them except to say that it works for me as well, simply because I want it to work for me.

I have a question to pose for you, when is queenteree going to take the next step in her own recovery?

When are you going to remove the noose he has tied around your neck completely to where he will not take you down with him when he chooses to go down?

Are you sick and tired enough of beiing sick and tired to save your self?

I really feel for you and it makes my heart ache to see you continue to obsess about him and forget your self.

Music

I stay sober one day at a time. I don't decide each day whether I'm going to drink today or not. To say that I'll never drink again is faulty and is a sign that my ego is still not in check.

It's your call queen, but if it were me, after all this time of playing word games, I'd be thinking about myself and where I can have a happier life, rather than waiting around for the next shoe to drop.