tonydav43

Please someone help me, i have to admit that i have a drink probem, i am with the most fantastic woman i have ever met and I keep hurting her.i get jealous when we go out and start to say that she is looking at other men, this is down to drink. I dont want to lose this woman as she is my world but why oh why do i keep hurting her so when all she does is show me love and affection. She does not look at other men but in my head she does and that is wrong. She took me out last night for a meal and i spoilt it by drinking to much and had a argument with her, please someone help me i dont want to lose her please someone help me

best

Welcome to SR Tonydav

Two problems... one is how we act and the other is how we act up even more when we drink.

To help you find answers for the drinking... AA meetings are a great source for gathering information and the tools needed.
As for the jealous rages... Do you look at other girls? What would you do if she was looking at other guys? What I found that helps me with such thoughts...
I do the best that I know how, to be sure I treat her correctly, thus giving her no reason to even think about looking at other guys.
What also helps... Guys and girls think differently. Where we may tend to look about...women don't (generalization here) or if they look, it doesn't bring out the same thoughts us guys would have (again generalizations here). Worry more about what you are doing or not doing and that way you keep her happy so she has no reason to look about.
I have found... A happy wife equals a happy life. I am sure it would work the same with a girlfriend.

CarolD

Welcome Tony...

My drinking caused me so much pain
I decided to quit.

Is that your plan too?

SaTiT

I learned my lesson in jealousy many years ago.
It cuased me a divorced.
i don't know...it's kind of stupid becuase the answer is
so simple...she comes home to daddy. She asked me out.
If I wasn't so damn wacked out of my mind..i recognize
simple things in front of me

been on both side...that jealousy issues hurts more than
you think when you're on the recieving end.
all the damn interigations and harassments
drove me further and further from her as my jealousy
drove my ex-wife further and further from me.

However, i must be honest, as much as I love my ex-wife
and she was the most beautiful woman a man can want.
One is too many and a thousand is never enough.lol
you know what I'm saying ? it was my own lustful thoughts
and desire for other women that I have wihtin myself
that made me insecure. i just projected that on to her.
Therefore the problem must be resolve within me.

My insecurities created delusions.
My fears of loosing her cuased me to live in fear.
I react to fears...this is a machanism...it still needs to
be address and work through.

However..that fear meachanism also keeps me in the cycle
of my alcoholism.

Both issues must be address.
step #1 is to stop getting drunk and stay sober
The 12 steps helped me working out of some those issues.
Taking an inventory of myself.
it's hiden through guilt and shame.

example
I understood better to why i had such behaviors or perceptions in jealouscy.
For me it was also an intregate part of my childhood.
abandenment...
mom adandemnt me..live with aunty...longing for another female (mother) bonding.
aunty gave love the mom couldn't...live with biological mother...longing for anuty love ...aonther woman.
through devloping stage as a child i develope a habit of longing for another woman while live with one.
mmm...dosn't work too good in adulthood or intimate relationship.

tellus

To date, I've lost two serious boyfriends due to drunk jealousy (I've had a total of three, ever). What I've decided to do: no relationships until I'm at least two months sober.

So, what SaTiT said: sobriety is the first priority.

tonydav43

Thanks yes i do want to quit for myself and because it is ruining my life. When I dont drink we never argue sometimes when I drink I get stupid and say hurtful things. I do make her feel special when I am nice, we have had 4 arguments since we have been together and it was all alcohol related. She has told me that she feels proud when we are out together and I feel proud to. She has told me that she does not want anyone else and neither do I. I have finally admited to myself that I have a problem and have taken the first steps in contacting the AA. Two things in my life that I want to happen more than anything, stay with her forever and stop drinking. It is the drinking that causes me to become a different person, somone that is not a nice person, i cant remember what i say or do but what ever I say i dont mean it. I know that I make her happy when I am sober and the drink cause me to change. It is ruining my life and making me hurt the one thing in my life that means everything to me. I am going to go to the meetings and I will stick to a no more alchol policy because I dont want to lose her. I have tried talking to her today but she does not want to know, we had a bust up two weeks ago and I promised that it would never happen again, i thought i could do this on my own, but last night proved different, i have now finally admitted to my self that I have a problem and I have asked her not to give up on me or our relationship. She knows that the problem is drink and when I dont drink i am lovely (I dont drink all the time and out of about 100 times going out this has happened four times now) Sometimes we can go out and I am fine, the other four times I just dont know what happens. I say she is looking at other men which I know deep down is not true what is wrong with me. I know I can beat this and become tea total and have a good and happy life together with her, I just want her to understand that I am removing the cause of the problem. She is my world and I dont want to lose her. I have never so much as looked at another woman since I have been with her and the only person in the world that I want is her.

Missymae737

Tony,

I just wanted to add that, I had to get sober for me...Not my children, grandchildren, boyfriend, job etc...Statistics show that getting sober for someone else, something else, has a poor success rate...

Welcome to SR...

Keep posting.

zoomer

I'm as jelouse as a cat with my claws out LOL. I identify the feelings and have longs talks with myself and with my sweet man who understands me. I'm insecure and my sweet man is not out to meet anyone,it's all on me,so I have to keep my jelousy in check and not react on the feelings. As far as drinking goes, there are some good suggestions up above. Go to an AA meeting, get professional help... I don't know if your feelings of jelousy will go away,but you'll be less likey to act upon them while your sober. Funny part is that I look at other men,but never with my sweet man present. And I'm sure he looks at other women and thank god for him he respects me enough not to look at women while I'm around LOL. I hope your cry for help is answered and that you can seek the help you need. Pretty soon the love of your life will get sick of the "I'm sorrys" and will leave. Glad your reaching out before it happens.

zoomer

Opps, you posted when I posted. Glad your seeking help and good luck!

tonydav43

I know I am in the wrong and I am a jealous person, you are right give up the drinking and when sober I wont act on my jealous feelings, the thing is we can go out and have a really good time together have a few drinks and nothing happens it is just the odd occassion. I said some hurtful things last night and some people say that your true feelings come out when you have had a drink. I dont beleive that as what ever I said last night I DID NOT mean. I totally adore and cherish this woman and you are right she will get fed up with the sorry's and leave, i dont want this to happen and I just want her to understand that it is the odd occassion when I have had a drink, so the cause of the arguments is drink, remove that and we should be okay. If I think she is looking at someone say out and about I will make a joke about it and we have a laugh, she does the same to me. I cannot lose this woman she is my world and without her life is nothing, what can I do to prove to her that I am serious about giving up drinking, I have asked her today not to give up on me or us what should I do

Missymae737

Tony,

JUST don't drink anymore...PUT the focus on you...

Your world WILL be nothing if you continue to drink...

tonydav43

I wont drink again not ever again i have never been so sincere about anything apert from staying with my wonderful partner, but how can i get her to see and not give up on me. I have taken the first step by contacting the AA and am waiting for a counseller to ring me back to arrange going to meetings. I am in despair why oh why do we hurt the ones closest to us oh why

Missymae737

We hurt the ones close to us because we have a disease called alcoholism...

You have made steps to achieve sobriety...Good for you!!!

And my favorite saying is,

If it is meant to be, it will be regarding your relationship...

zoomer

(((((((((((((((((Tony)))))))))))))))))), don't ever say never. Just try to do this thing one day at a time. Thats all we have right now or at least that is my ESH. Sorry your feeling bad,but things will get better if you continue on the right path.

Signal30

tonydave43,

Welcome to SR. I can understand that you are concerned about your relationship. If you are a alcoholic, believe it or not, the alcohol is more important to you than her. That is the morbid trait of our disease. Many of us have lost just about everything to alcoholism, some people more than once. As it has been previously stated, YOU must have the desire to stop drinking. YOU have want the treatment for YOU! Many of us first come into AA initially for different reasons. When I first went into AA, I did it so I could be a better dad. It didn't take long for me to realize that I had to be sober for me first. That is the only way it can work. It sounds selfish, however if you are the reason why you wish to be sober, by following the program and steps, you truly feel a new freedom and happiness. By working the AA program you start to become a better dad, friend, husband, boyfriend, co-worker, son, etc.




Tom

tonydav43

thanks zoomer and tom, i feel so bad and just cant stop crying my whole life is falling apart around me i might have lost the one thing that means the most to me and it is all my fault. i have contacted the AA but I just wnat her to see that the problem is drink and i am doing somethign about it, i just dont want her to give on me or us

Signal30

Remember tony, the alcohol consumption is only the symptom of the disease of alcoholism. If you think you are a real alcoholic, go to a few AA meetings, and listen. It might change your life, and save it.


Tom

Nuudawn

It is very hard to be truly with another if we cannot be with ourselves. I had 8 or 9 months of sobriety under my belt and threw it away cuz I wanted to get close to a man. I wanted the fast track to intimacy. I was a coward. I was terrified to let him see who I truly am. He was temptation...and as poisonous for me as the alcohol.

I wish I knew what to say.... sobriety is a tough journey within.