lolobug3

I have a question and I hope I don't offend anyone. If I do, I apologize in advance. My husband is an alcoholic. He has been dry for about a month or so. He knows he has a problem but is in denial about needing a recovery program. I also post on the al-anon board.

About two months ago he cheated on me because I told him I could not handle him drinking and going out anymore. He found someone that told him he wasn't an alcoholic, bought him alcohol and cigs, gave him money, let him stay with her. At the same time though he was coming back to me not telling me this was going on. It went on for about 3 months until he finally told me. Begged for my forgiveness, etc. I let him back. I have trouble forgiving him sometimes. I know he is responsible for his actions but is he to blame or is his disease to blame? If he were a "normal" guy who just decided to cheat on me, I would have left him. Is my thinking right on this. Does anyone agree or even disagree with me. I am still hurt and have trust issues especially because he is not working a program. He doesn't go out anymore and seems to be trying but again, he is very DRY.

Sometimes I don't feel he deserved another chance but then again I do because I feel it was his disease that interfered and did this to us. Any thoughts on this would be appreciated. Thanks Lolobug

Sarah2003

(((((((lolobug3))))))))))))))

Many hugs for you. I feel your pain. I've had similar experiences and it took me many, many years, but I finally learned to "do what I need to do to take care of ME."

My AH used his "illness" as an excuse for those kinds of behaviors and actions. We all know that alcohol and alcoholism causes people to do things that they normally wouldn't do, but they are still responsible for those actions.

Only you can decide for yourself what is best for you. Have you seen a counselor about this?

AH and I are separated now, but I wasn't ready to make that change until 20+ years of dealing with it. I built up a tolerance to unacceptable behavior.....the consequences of his drinking binges, other women and sex stuff. I ignored those behaviors because he was remorseful after each and every one. He told me he would NEVER do those things again. I stood by him and supported him. Apparently, I wasn't ready to make any changes in my life until recently.

Please do what you need to do for you. Follow your instinct. Spouses of alcoholics tend to have keen instincts that we often do not follow......I ignored my feelings for a very long time. Now I pay attention to them.

Sorry for the long reply. Please take what you want and leave the rest. I'm speaking from my experiences only. There are many wonderful people on this forum who will have additional insights for you.

Take care.......my thoughts and prayers are with you....

Sarah

Peter

Hi lolobug.I can understand how painful this must be for you.

Alcoholic or not there are limits to what we can and cannot put up with and it is up to you to know where to draw the line.

Every relationship requires certain boundaries.

As an alcoholic I was capable of some very insane decisions especially as it related to my own personal welfare and my drinking but most of the time I was usually capable of understanding how my behavior was affecting others.

I believe in order for alcoholics to face their responsibilities they must be allowed to feel the consequences of their actions.

Sometimes turning away will only serve to compound and perpetuate the other persons drinking and behavior.

Have you posted this question in the Anon forums?

Of course you are always welcome here but I really believe there may be people on the alon side who are better able to give you some feedback.

Take care of yourself.You are a special person too who deserves to be treated with love and respect.


Peter

Chy

Hi Lolo,

In my opinion patience, understanding and compassion are vows we freely assume when we marry a life partner. I can understand how you feel he "deserves" another chance.

But what are the conditions you accept and is he willing to do for that second chance? It simply can't be "whatever, I'll give him another chance" Realizing he is a sick man you also must think of yourself. Will you truly be satisfied with your decision? I am no expert on this matter but these would be my thoughts if in your shoes. Love can be a very difficult thing. We don't sign on for the pain we sometimes must endure when we choose a spouse. I know you HAVE to be hurting, and must find help for yourself. He obviously doesn't want help right now and is not going to make it a part of his agenda.

Forgiveness is a virtue that is difficult to impart. But it also can be rewarding if BOTH accept and promise certain conditions of the unity you share.

I can tell your a special lady who deserves the understanding, and compassion you are giving to your hubby. For your own well being though you should put limits on what your willing to endure.

I pray you find the answers you are looking for and just know these are MY opinions, so I hope I did not offend or hurt you further.

Digits101010

Hi Lolobug. I am sorry for your pain. I know what you are saying; as an alcoholic I often wondered where the line was that I could start blaming my disease for my actions. But, in recovery, I have learned to own my disease. I own it and I own whatever is associated with it, including consequences. I have to.

But #2, I don't sit around wondering which is to blame for any particular action. "Was it ME or my disease?" Because, for me, it doesn't matter. I did it. Whatever the issue I was trying to justify out of, I did it and I have to own it.

Here's how I look at it for myself. I cannot help that I am an alcoholic. BUT I CAN not drink. I DO have that power. The program that teaches me how to do this is AA. And the program of AA also teaches me I have to own my actions and the consequences that follow.

I am not a psychologist and I have never been in your situation, but maybe my experience, speaking from the side of the fence your husband is on can be of some understanding for you - even if not completely clear.

I wish you and your husband good fortune in this. Have you thought of attending Al-Anon meetings, where the focus will be on YOU? I sense that somewhere in this you have forgotten that you deserve serenity too, even if your husband doesn't desire it.

Best Wishes,
Digits

Sarah2003

Wow....I'm in a similar situation as lolo, where there have been a few of these incidents throughout our marriage. He does have a tendency to minimize and blame it on his illness, because he states he "would never do those things sober..."

Thanks for your insight. It's helped me.

Take care and keep posting!

S

Digits101010

Wow Sarah, thanks so much! That really made feel great that i coulda helped! Thanks for saying that.

Oh and blame. Yeah. I was really great at that. When I was sober I'd blame *it* [whatever the IT was at the time] on you and you and him and her. But when DRUNK, I could add my illness to the list, Yeah! What I didn't know at the time was that, blaming my illness, I was enabling myself to continue drinking.

Who wants to give up a perfectly swell excuse to be selfish, self-centered, and self-seeking? Not one alcoholic out of 5,000,000 who is untreated. I'm recovering and I can STILL blame *you* for whatever is going wrong in my life-- oh yeah! I am an alcoholic and left to my devices, that's exactly what I'll try to do. [I am 500% improved at that.] Ask my S.O... HE'LL tell ya!

This is why Al-Anon is great, though my experience is limited there cause I was only in Ala-Teen in H.S. and I still have to get through my first year of recovery in A.A. before I can start attending those meetings, but I suffered at the hands of a family relative who blamed EVERYONE for her acts while drunk.

If she was yelling at me and calling me a *****, it's because my shirt was not ironed. If she was yelling at me and throwing food around the kitchen it was because I was too skinny. If she was calling me a liar, well it's because I was a liar. If she embarrassed me on the phone calling me names, it's clearly because I hadn't done something right.

My self-esteem was SHinola! My mother told me the woman was sick (I knew she was) and that it meant nothing. WHAT?!? [Implied: Don't hold it against her, she is ill.] It didn't stop my trying to kill myself to get out of the situation. It did a number on me, and I was telling my mother the other day [Thank God for recovery] that I hoped "[This woman] lived long enough for me to get around to forgiving her." I need Ala-Non bad if just for that.

In AA I can work on my own recovery from alcoholism, but I cannot work on this woman's. See, how I just went on? Clearly *I* need some help... so no doubt I understand even from you guy's side of the fence the kind of turmoil you must be feeling.

...and my original position remains unchanged.

I'm going to a meeting. I think I just worked myself up into needing one. [ahem!]

Love, Digits

MootPoint

Digits, what a story about your relative!! I didn't have any alcoholic abusers, but I had plenty of abusers.

I send Hugs in your direction and wishes for you to get yourself over to al anon!

Sarah2003

Digits...you have got it together, woman. You have endured so much in your childhood....reading your post tore me up.

From reading your words, I get a sense that you are very bright, smart.....book smart and street-wise, you have a great sense of humor and you are also very compassionate and understanding.

It sounds like you have come a long way in your recovery program. You appear to be a direct, confident, responsible, assertive person who has lived on both sides of the fence and has become a stronger, better person through those experiences. I admire you for that.

I'm truly impressed with your wisdom and way with words, Digits. Your post made me smile and cry at the same time.

Take care of yourself,

Sarah

Digits101010

[I am trying hard, in recovery, to learn how to accept compliments so please forgive me if I sound awkward when I do it.]

****{Thank you both so much!}}}

Warmest & Fondly,
Digits

harleygirl92156

GOD BLESS YOU!!! I am in a situation almost exactly like yours, the only difference being my hubby just finished treatment and for that I am grateful. The issue is there and must be dealt with. I just have to decide if I want to forgive him, for myself, or if I want to carry this hurt with me for the rest of my life.

Good Luck, I know your pain, you are not alone.

dax

There is no one answer. My husband never cheated [that I know of] while drinking. He was sober 12 years and then had a long time affair with a woman also in AA. He got way with it for so long because he was at meetings[ I was glad he was doing so much to stay sober[dumb dumb trusting me]. He was just doing a LOT of extra sharing and sex with her after meetings. For years I had not clue. We are still together in a tense truce at present. This I can not forgive. He was stone cold sober, and caluclating in his deception of what he was doing at and after meetings. I will be forever hurt. I trust him not. It took 5 years for mr. sofarsogood to own up- and only when presented with 'the letter' I found.
I am not sure but I think I could have gotten over a one night stand if he had had one while drunk.. But a relationship for some period of time when he was drinking whould have ment he was sober some of the time and still with her. If that was the case, it would be as bad to me as when if he did it sober. The excuse it is the disease that caused the affair is a cop out. dax

CAPTAINZING2000

If, your husband came to from a long nite out in bed with someone. Not knowing what went down HMMMM.

We had a speaker at my home group that said we don't steal and cheat because drink, we drink because we steal and cheat. I think, we do drink to cover up fro our sorry actions. I've woke up in bed with women and had no recollections of the night b 4. I've also woke up in bed and remembered.

Try and forgive go to see a counsellor together. It's going to b hard to get past this.
Does the hubby want to be part of your life now? Marriage is a union of 2 people. We really put a stake in the heart with cheating on each other