LettingGo

Well I am back on track new sober date is June 1. I guess I had to go back out and proove to myself that I had a problem. I cannot believe how swift my life turned upside down. In the course of about 3 days I did enough damage to nearly lose my husband, lose my job, endanger my kids, and nearly kill myself. And this was not all in just one occurance! I am shocked at who I am when using. I was so drunk and on Klonopin, and Xanax that I cannot even remember one night. That is so scarry. In anycase I am here today and sober. I am going to meetings and have been up front with my Husband and employer who are both giving me a chance thank god. I finally got a sponsor. That was a big thing for me to do for some reason but this time I know that if I do not work this programe 110%, and I go out again, that it is life or death. I truly believe God saved me this weekend, and probably someone else too. I have horrible guilt and shame that is just eating away at me inside. How do I get this out?

Recovering

LettingGo,

Welcome back. I'm glad that you are taking the steps that you described. I wanted to
suggest that you not be too hard on yourself. It's a learning process. Just try to
concentrate on the positives that will come from the actions you are now taking. The
experience of the last time out can serve as a valuable reminder of what can happen
if recovery is not placed first in our lives. When I think about my last drunk, I can
now feel gratitude for it because it was just what I needed to wake me up.

I wish you all the best.

MootPoint

Congradulations on the sobriety date of June 1! I am glad to see you back here.

I think we all have to prove to ourselves that we have a problem. My proof wound me up on a ventilator. I guess, however, that I'd take that proof over what you went through.

I think everyone is shocked at who they are when using. I'm a bump on a log, other ppl are holy terrors.

This is NOT a good combination! I have experience with it. Re the one night.... blackouts are not uncommon.

Sounds to me like you're doing the next right thing. That's all we can do. Right on re sponsor! I know mine has helped me immensely!

You've hit bottom and know whats going to happen if you go out again. Now you have to climb your way up. Lean on your sponsor and work the steps. Sounds like you're on your way in Step 1 already!

As for the guilt and shame that's eating you.... try your sponsor. Ask his/her advice... he might suggest a clergyman, or him/herself. My sponsor told me that there is nothing she hasn't heard before when I started working my 5th step. And so far, she's right. So please, talk to your sponsor!

Recovering sez....
Sounds like you've reached that point!

justaround

Klonopin with Xanax.......and alcohol?? Scary stuff.
Be lucky, you can't always keep up with that sort of stuff.

DolphinBlue

Letting Go,

I'm so glad you're giving sobriety another chance, I know that for me it took many, many times to prove to myself that I couldn't handle drinking or drugs. I don't know of anyone who didn't.

This is a big step you've made so I doubt that being hard on yourself is necessary, but if you've got stuff you want to get out then sharing in meetings, talking to my sponsor or writing here is what helped me.

Congratulations and keep going to those meetings. It gets better

Amy

Chy

Welcome back my avatar twin!

So glad you found the courage and honesty to get yourself back to meetings and here! Congratulations on getting a sponser to! I just got mine a few days ago after procrastinating for nearly a month, so I can relate.

I know the guilties can be truly unbearable, but you can't beat yourself up over "the past" no matter how recent, it is not healthy for you to dwell on it. So girl, pick yourself up by the boot straps and start over!

I pray you will find the strength you need as you begin again and this time be successful! YOU CAN do it!

Stay strong, keep the faith, and know we're all here for you.

LettingGo

Thanks to everyone for your replies and support. I just love to see responses to my posts! I am still sober, HORAY! I stilll feel very grounded and sure of what I have to do and I am so thankful for that. I was pretty shook up by my own self last time out, but I guess that is what it took for me. What a great board this is..... funny how true friends can be people that you have never actually met in person!

Thanks again,
LG

MootPoint

Yaaaaaaaaay for you, Letting Go! And it does feel good to get responses, even if they are just hugs

most ppl take a little shaking to finally quit.

The ppl here are great..... sometimes as great as f2f ppl even