Ms.Jekyll and Ms.Hyde here.....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: long island,ny
Posts: 190
Ms.Jekyll and Ms.Hyde here.....
good morning....yes,another,"confession"...A few weeks ago,I slipped for a three day weekend...blamed it all on some unpleasant words between myself and my aging mother.went sober for a week,then something else,"made" me drink...don't even remember what the reason was....and i continued with the nightly drinking for a few more weeks....and i was right back to my alchoholic self....negative thoughts,periods or anger and rage,directed at other people,but i was really angry at myself.Just basically a miserable person.....went to the cardiologist last week,had chest pains a few times when i wasn't drinking...and i felt i had to lie when she asked about my drinking....my daughter works in her office,so i told her i'd been sober for 5 mnths,which i would've been if i hadn't slipped up the last month....
Well.it's day #3 again....and i just have to get it through my thick head that,"I CANNOT DRINK".....we've all heard of the "nasty drunk"......well,i become a,"suicidal drunk".....worthless,hopeless,useless...I am feeling alittle better each day...it is a relief to know that i am NOT that negative,hateful person at heart.....it's only when i let the alchohol take control of me and my life...i do not like the person i become..
thanks for listening....glad to be back....take it easy today,i know i will....KT
Well.it's day #3 again....and i just have to get it through my thick head that,"I CANNOT DRINK".....we've all heard of the "nasty drunk"......well,i become a,"suicidal drunk".....worthless,hopeless,useless...I am feeling alittle better each day...it is a relief to know that i am NOT that negative,hateful person at heart.....it's only when i let the alchohol take control of me and my life...i do not like the person i become..
thanks for listening....glad to be back....take it easy today,i know i will....KT
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
Hi Merlot-
We don't need *reasons* to drink. We drink ... because we're alcoholics.
Thanks for your condor, ummmm ... I've only one thing though -
"Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path."
It's a program of rigorous honesty.
Not telling yer doc could have been dangerous.
Honesty, hon - it the ONLY thing keeping us sober sometimes.
Just think about it.
I'm glad you made it.
Pick em up dust 'em off and have at it again.
*prayers*
barb
We don't need *reasons* to drink. We drink ... because we're alcoholics.
Thanks for your condor, ummmm ... I've only one thing though -
"Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path."
It's a program of rigorous honesty.
Not telling yer doc could have been dangerous.
Honesty, hon - it the ONLY thing keeping us sober sometimes.
Just think about it.
I'm glad you made it.
Pick em up dust 'em off and have at it again.
*prayers*
barb
Member
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Charleston S.C.
Posts: 1,461
Being an alcoholic and drinking is normal. For years it was how we survived. Try not to beat yourself up. Give yourself credit for knowing there is a problem. Hey, I'm on 1 year and can add again also. We both have today. I know these are just sayings but, their simple and true. We have to divert our thoughts at times. Some of us at SR met in NYC a few years ago. We had a great time. We loved the Circle Line Ferry.
I saw a side of NYC I had never seen before.
I saw a side of NYC I had never seen before.
Serenity today
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: The Commonwealth
Posts: 135
I went back out for a couple of weeks back in 2006 after almost 3 years, and it was exactly as we hear over and over: the disease continues to grow in you, whether you're drinking or not. I went from a couple of beers one night to shots of vodka with beer chasers within days, and was quickly right back to all of the hopelessness and negativity it had taken me a lot of work to overcome. The good news, as I'm sure others will tell you as well, is that you're on day three but you're not starting over on you sobriety. You know what sober feels like and you have a much clearer view of your own faults and shortcomings, and while you still may have them, you can live with them and overcome them when you aren't drinking. Congratulations on getting back or track, welcome back.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 51
Welcome back, Karrotop!!
When I first got sober, I also went back out after 5 months. Wonder what it is about that number?? It was a three day weekend, two years ago, but thank God I've been sober since then.
It was really hard for a while to not drink for ANY REASON. Mom made me mad? Couldn't drink. Stressed out after a day with my son with autism? Couldn't drink. Wanted to celebrate? Couldn't drink. Just needed a "break"? Couldn't drink. Once I really BELIEVED, way deep down inside, that I am powerless over alcohol, I really BELIEVED I couldn't drink, and I didn't. It was hard sometimes (still is sometimes). But every single time I made it through something without drinking - and went to an AA meeting, reached out to others, prayed, asked for help instead - it made it a little easier the next time.
Keep reaching out for help, don't beat yourself up, and move forward. Be honest, like you're being with us. It doesn't feel good to live with secrets. A wonderful life is waiting for you
When I first got sober, I also went back out after 5 months. Wonder what it is about that number?? It was a three day weekend, two years ago, but thank God I've been sober since then.
It was really hard for a while to not drink for ANY REASON. Mom made me mad? Couldn't drink. Stressed out after a day with my son with autism? Couldn't drink. Wanted to celebrate? Couldn't drink. Just needed a "break"? Couldn't drink. Once I really BELIEVED, way deep down inside, that I am powerless over alcohol, I really BELIEVED I couldn't drink, and I didn't. It was hard sometimes (still is sometimes). But every single time I made it through something without drinking - and went to an AA meeting, reached out to others, prayed, asked for help instead - it made it a little easier the next time.
Keep reaching out for help, don't beat yourself up, and move forward. Be honest, like you're being with us. It doesn't feel good to live with secrets. A wonderful life is waiting for you
Not the center of the Universe
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Orchard Lake, Michigan
Posts: 974
Hey karrotop,
Glad you made it back. Make it your last time by changing your whole way of thinking.
Drinking is not the answer to any question except "How can I f%@@!$! my life today?"
Glad you made it back. Make it your last time by changing your whole way of thinking.
Drinking is not the answer to any question except "How can I f%@@!$! my life today?"
Last edited by findingout; 09-02-2007 at 05:38 AM.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Cumming, Ga
Posts: 665
Welcome back. I drank because my eyelids were open and I was breathing. I'm an alcoholic, it's what we do. Hopefully, all the "excuses" to drink will become lies for you. AA has showed me the way out, and it can for you too IF you are willing, honest and open minded. If you are out of answers, the solution will appear. My best suggestion is for today, don't drink and go to a meeting.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: green hills of Vermont, USA
Posts: 251
Hi Karrotop and welcome back. Feels good to 'fess up, doesn't it? When you do that, you make it easier for others to do the same. Big ditto marks on what EarthMama said, among others.
Blessings from the Snowgoose.
Blessings from the Snowgoose.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
karrot you can beat yourself up and thus give yourself another 'excuse' to drink or you can take steps now to change your actions.
I don't know if you have tried AA, just try it, I went the first 6 months just to be in meetings with sober folks and to get phone numbers.......my attitude was "the h*ll with the program I need sober people to be around.
You have Long Island NY marked as where you are and there are HUNDREDS of meetings there, get to some, introduce yourself to a woman or two and tell them you are new and NEED PHONE NUMBERS. Then when you get those numbers you use them.
You know those first months it was not a big thing or hard to go to those meetings. I thought I wasn't hearing much but much later realized I had. What I did feel while in those meetings was SAFE. And I got HOPE for the first time in my life.........here were bunches of people living sober, WOW, kept me coming/ back until the fog lifted. Heck what was spending an hour or two a day in a meeting? I had spent a lot more than that DAILY DRINKING.
When you are going to buy a bottle, pick up the phone or cell phone instead and start dialing. That little bit of change alone can make a BIG DIFFERENCE in those first horrible months of recovery.
Now if you are not ready yet, then you will keep bouncing in and out of dryness, that is your choice. However, you need to think long and hard about that as the time will come when you will not make it back. Alcoholism only gets worse never better.
Hopefully this was your true awakening, that you have found that very tiny "spark of willingness" TO CHANGE.
My the Great Spirit watch over you.
Love and hugs,
I don't know if you have tried AA, just try it, I went the first 6 months just to be in meetings with sober folks and to get phone numbers.......my attitude was "the h*ll with the program I need sober people to be around.
You have Long Island NY marked as where you are and there are HUNDREDS of meetings there, get to some, introduce yourself to a woman or two and tell them you are new and NEED PHONE NUMBERS. Then when you get those numbers you use them.
You know those first months it was not a big thing or hard to go to those meetings. I thought I wasn't hearing much but much later realized I had. What I did feel while in those meetings was SAFE. And I got HOPE for the first time in my life.........here were bunches of people living sober, WOW, kept me coming/ back until the fog lifted. Heck what was spending an hour or two a day in a meeting? I had spent a lot more than that DAILY DRINKING.
When you are going to buy a bottle, pick up the phone or cell phone instead and start dialing. That little bit of change alone can make a BIG DIFFERENCE in those first horrible months of recovery.
Now if you are not ready yet, then you will keep bouncing in and out of dryness, that is your choice. However, you need to think long and hard about that as the time will come when you will not make it back. Alcoholism only gets worse never better.
Hopefully this was your true awakening, that you have found that very tiny "spark of willingness" TO CHANGE.
My the Great Spirit watch over you.
Love and hugs,
Life the gift of recovery!
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Home is where the heart is
Posts: 7,061
Originally Posted by karrotop 
Well.it's day #3 again....and i just have to get it through my thick head that,"I CANNOT DRINK".....we've all heard of the "nasty drunk"......well,i become a,"suicidal drunk".....worthless,hopeless,useless...I am feeling alittle better each day...it is a relief to know that i am NOT that negative,hateful person at heart.....it's only when i let the alchohol take control of me and my life...i do not like the person i become..
I did have to laugh when I saw your title. The way I refer to the last few years of my drinking is Dr. Jekyll or You better run and Hyde. Never knew which one I would be. Neither did the people I was around. By the end I had only aquantances left. I preferred to drink at home so I could drink as much as I needed without someone questioning me about it. My children hated my drinking. Just like you, I hated who I had become. What really put things into perspective for me was the realization that my drinking was just a slow suicide that was not only killing me but everyone around me. I could not do that to my children anymore. I did not know how to live without drinking but could not go on with life drinking. The Big Book of AA refers to that place as "the jumping off place...where one can not live with or without alcohol". It is a frightening place to be but it can also be one of the best places to start a new life. That is the place I was when I found AA. I won't go into a lot of detail as my story is posted but I am living proof that one can stop drinking and find a life that is well worth living. Today, I would not trade my worst day of sobriety for my best day drinking.
Once again. I am glad you are here. I look forward to seeing your future posts. Hang in there, there is hope. The light at the end of the tunnel is not a train unless you continue to drink.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Murrieta, Ca
Posts: 2,683
Excuses....
From the Big Book of AA, chapter 2
Sound familiar ?
Therefore, the main problem of the alcoholic centers in his mind, rather than in his body. If you ask him why he started on that last bender, the chances are he will offer you any one of a hundred alibis. Sometimes these excuses have a certain plausibility, but none of them really makes sense in the light of the havoc an alcoholicīs drinking bout creates. They sound like the philosophy of the man who, having a headache, beats himself on the head with a hammer so that he canīt feel the ache. If you draw this fallacious reasoning to the attention of an alcoholic, he will laugh it off, or become irritated and refuse to talk.
Once in a while he may tell the truth. And the truth, strange to say, is usually that he has no more idea why he took that first drink than you have. Some drinkers have excuses with which they are satisfied part of the time. But in their hearts they really do not know why they do it. Once this malady has a real hold, they are a baffled lot. There is the obsession that somehow, someday, they will beat the game. But they often suspect they are down for the count.
Once in a while he may tell the truth. And the truth, strange to say, is usually that he has no more idea why he took that first drink than you have. Some drinkers have excuses with which they are satisfied part of the time. But in their hearts they really do not know why they do it. Once this malady has a real hold, they are a baffled lot. There is the obsession that somehow, someday, they will beat the game. But they often suspect they are down for the count.
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
KT Glad you are back, you are doing one of the most important things there is in staying sober, you are being honest! Honest with your self and honest with us.
Eventually this honesty will lead to sobriety if you are willing to go to any lengths to get and stay sober.
Why did I keep quitting drinking and keep going back? Well for me I was being partially honest with myself, I was being honest with myself that I was an alcoholic and needed to stop drinking, but I was not yet honest enough to admit that I did not know how to get and stay sober, I was not yet ready to be honest with myself and admit that my way did not work..... I needed help!
Once I became honest enough with myself to admit that "I need help, I can not do this on my own my way." Is when I started to head in the right direction, I went to a doctor and was honest about my drinking, he told me I needed detox, I did detox!
In detox they told me if I wanted a chance to stay sober I needed to go to at least 90 AA meetings in 90 days and get a sponsor, well I went to far more then 90 AA meetings in 90 days and got a sponsor!
In AA the old timers shared that if I wanted long term happy sobriety I needed to work the steps with a sponsor, I did what they suggested.
Well I have almost a year sober and am happier then I have been in well over 30 years.
Sobriety is not a destination......... it is a journey!
Eventually this honesty will lead to sobriety if you are willing to go to any lengths to get and stay sober.
Why did I keep quitting drinking and keep going back? Well for me I was being partially honest with myself, I was being honest with myself that I was an alcoholic and needed to stop drinking, but I was not yet honest enough to admit that I did not know how to get and stay sober, I was not yet ready to be honest with myself and admit that my way did not work..... I needed help!
Once I became honest enough with myself to admit that "I need help, I can not do this on my own my way." Is when I started to head in the right direction, I went to a doctor and was honest about my drinking, he told me I needed detox, I did detox!
In detox they told me if I wanted a chance to stay sober I needed to go to at least 90 AA meetings in 90 days and get a sponsor, well I went to far more then 90 AA meetings in 90 days and got a sponsor!
In AA the old timers shared that if I wanted long term happy sobriety I needed to work the steps with a sponsor, I did what they suggested.
Well I have almost a year sober and am happier then I have been in well over 30 years.
Sobriety is not a destination......... it is a journey!
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