KC1

Well, this is my 1,982nd time visiting here (LOL) and I am back again. I keep thinking I can get this under control, but I can't. I know that alcoholism is a progressive disease, and I was amazed/saddened/shocked into learning that I can now drink an entire bottle of wine all by myself and have NO hangover the next day. That is a new thing for me that I discovered in the past few days. So I know it is getting worse. I wake up in the morning and run to the refrigerator and hope to myself that I didn't drink the entire bottle. I open the frig and it is empty. I go to the trash and there it is. And I feel just fine. No headache, no hangover, no naseau. That is not a good thing. I guess that means my tolerance is increasing and I will just keep drinking more and more, huh?

I don't know why I am writing, other than to say that all day today, I had this feeling of pressure in the center of my chest. I have to wonder if it is my esophagus. I had an alcoholic friend who experienced similar things. His esophagus burst and he quit that day and has never drank again. I don't want to be like that! So I didn't drink all day long and it gradually went away. Of course, as I sit here and write this note, I am now once again "sipping" on my chardonnay.

What does it take to finally stop? I don't think I want to stop just yet. It is going to take a catastrophe or tragedy of some sort? Shouldn't I WANT to stop????????? Given everything I just wrote?????????? This is just so insane....

KC

Rowan

Hi KC,

Welcome back - I remember when you posted last time.

What does it take to finally stop? Well, you have to WANT to stop. You said yourself you don't think you want to. Will it take a catastrophe or tragedy? I hope not, but, yes, maybe.

And yes, it's insane. I understand completely the insanity. What will you do, KC?

Recovery is hard work - but once you're free of the demon alcohol - I'm not sure I can even articulate it. But, you're FREE, KC.

You don't need to go any further down.

Please keep posting.

Rowan

KC1

Thanks for the reply. Am not sure what I am going to do. It has to stop, though. I know it does. I don't want to die and I am almost certain if I continue I will die, either from the drinking with some physical problem, or I will do something stupid like drink and drive. Fortunately, I have not done the latter. I always call someone.

I just don't know how to stop when I don't really want to........

bostonluv

Going to the AA meetings really helps. I've really screwed up recently but haven't lost my job, family, friends, home YET. And I don't want to. Being around others who are struggling is a godsend and help me get stronger in wanting to quit drinking this poison.

snowgoose

KC1, maybe you would like to try AA meetings just as a visitor, since you apparently are not yet ready to quit. With a little luck, you may become willing before you hit an unsavory "bottom", and then you will know a little about the AA program and How It Works. That's pretty much what happened to me. I was lucky that I was able to see myself disappearing into the bottle and realized the healthy forward lean I'd had was gone along with the pleasure I used to have in learning new things daily. Those losses were enough for me; I didn't have to wait until I'd lost house, car and job before getting honest and 'fessing up that I couldn't stop on my own.

It was weird. Plenty of barriers appeared to prevent me from becoming a member of AA. And I went anyway. It has been the only way that I was able to put down the bottle.

Best wishes from the Snowgoose.

RedFox

I'll probably repeat some of what was already said. But you have to WANT to stop. Knowing you SHOULD but not wanting to isn't going to help you at all. It seems like all of us have to hit some kind of bottom to be smacked back into reality. It is insane, I know that feeling very well. It's insane and incredibly frustrating.

What does it take to finally stop? Only you can answer that question for yourself, as irritating as that may be.

barb dwyer

hi KC -

I apologize, but I simply do not know of any way to stop when you don't want to.

CarolD

Welcome back ....

Here is a link from the book that convinced me to quit.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html

I use God and AA to enjoy sobriety.