My Farewell Letter to Alcohol
Another Long Rookie Thread...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 76
My Farewell Letter to Alcohol
My counselor suggested I compose a goodbye missive to booze...it was very cathartic for me and I suggest others do the same. I'm posting it here in hopes it may help someone along.
Dear Alcohol:
We’ve been together coming up on 15 years now. I’d like to take this opportunity to personally thank you for all you’ve done for me.
Acting through my father you destroyed my family, leaving us at times penniless and requiring free lunches. My pride forced me into a paper route and routine stealing to cover up my insecurity about being the son of a poor alcoholic.
You kindly destroyed my grandfather’s liver and left him bedridden, giving him fair reason to shoot himself in the heart.
Not getting into Harvard was my first real setback in life. You helped me through that in the form of a few beers in Myrtle Beach and a couple of Bartyles & James peach wine coolers, my first buzz at age 18. From there, we were inseparable.
When I was insecure upon arriving at Northwestern, for the first time amongst my intellectual equals and superiors, you enabled me to stifle my feelings and proceed with an appearance of stark normality. When your effects foisted severe panic attacks upon my fragile frame, you were always around to make things right again. You made me feel like vomiting constantly for two years, and when I drank more of you that feeling went away. I appreciated your ongoing concern.
In the midst of this chaos, I got close with a few of your friends. I found I could routinely smoke marijuana and drop acid to heal myself of the wounds you’d inflicted, so that I could enjoy you all the more later in the day. I want to thank you for these introductions to such influential characters in my life.
By halting my maturation process, you allowed me to avoid serious relationships altogether. I was able to trample the hearts of several young girls who were wholly incapable of saving me. You caused unwanted pregnancies, making sure that one in particular would never forget me and that I could never forgive myself. This proved ever so important in cementing our bond.
For many years, you kept me fiscally insolvent, freeing me of the responsibilities that come along with managing one’s income. By absorbing my paychecks ahead of time through credit cards, you kept me from worrying about the many options a man of my talent might have.
When I was 21, I met your friend cocaine, who accelerated my descent into sacred darkness. The combination of your suggestive powers left me hospitalized for the first time shortly thereafter, necessitating my very first stint in rehab. I didn’t even attend the first class (at your urging), nearly making my graduation impossible. Somehow, with your help, I was able to maintain my mediocre grade point average and wiggle out of my prestigious institution with lambskin in hand. Also thanks to you, I had nowhere to go, because you were able to obligingly preoccupy so much of my time that I had been unable to find a job.
You offered your services for four straight days the summer after graduation and made me insane enough to quit my job and move to San Francisco. There, our lives became more intertwined as my professional life revolved around you. I helped others to receive your joy, and I heaped plenty upon myself. You wisely inserted yourself between me and the steering wheel on many occasions, ensuring that I would not wreck my car at night because I would never risk spilling my best friend.
Thanks to you, I was fired from my job after two quick promotions. I wound up pissing myself for three weeks in friends’ apartments in San Francisco. How silly of me; I forgot to thank you for making me **** the bed at least three times a week as a grown man! Without this little habit, I might have garnered some integrity or, say, self-confidence, which would have forced me into the pressure-filled life of an upstanding citizen. Thank you for saving me from this nuisance.
You enabled me at age 25 to live with my alcoholic father, which made me in turn highly attractive to the fairer sex. During this year you reminded me every day that I had lost the love of my life, again, thanks to you. She was never coming back, you assured me. With larger quantities of your sacramental elixirs, I was able to stay stuck in a hole and lose several jobs in a very short period of time.
I should also take this opportunity to thank you for introducing me to chain smoking, something that has painted my lungs black and often kept me from trying harder to attain optimum health (which would surely only lead to failure).
Thanks for filling up my veins in October 1998 to a toxic level (.314), forcing me to neglect to signal a turn and end up in the back of a police car. I apologize for the court-ordered three-month break that followed; our first extended time apart was difficult for you, I know.
I almost gave up on you at this point, but deep inside I knew you had more in store for me. I swore you off when I moved back to San Francisco, but I couldn’t stand to think of you out there without me for long. You quickly made sure that I wasn’t shackled to my new job or my friends, all of which I nearly lost in a rapid-fire succession of four-day binges that left me pissing and vomiting everywhere.
I want to especially thank you for the Christmas I had to call my mother and tell her I had the flu, when the truth was that we had been cavorting together for several days. It was just one of many times I’ve broken her heart, thanks to you. I know you tried to help me kill myself that Christmas day, and apologize for regurgitating you and surviving. But we were thus able to spend a few more precious days together, which soon landed me back in rehab, without you.
Those were hard years. We were on again, off again for quite some time. Once I abandoned you for ten months and at the end found an angel. I’ll admit, she was and is better than you. I’d never seen a more beautiful thing. You had been replaced.
But alas, we were destined for each other, and you managed to brush her aside repeatedly. Somehow I juggled the two of you, despite your angst for each other. I kept our triangle alive for several years, until I finally decided—enough. She was simply more important than you, Alcohol.
Of course, I never forgot about you, despite my best efforts. Eventually, I took you back, and I was so happy that first night after 18 months without you that I **** my pants to prove it. We showed my angel good that night.
From there, it took a few months, but you again got me back to the hospital with a glorious IV drip in my arm. I was soon telling more counselors and doctors about your powers, all the while staying secretly faithful to you.
I could sense your jealously. I was trying hard to do right by my angel, but you wouldn’t let that happen. You took me away for days at a time to ensure that she would loathe me. You did an excellent job.
You finally decided that I was not spending enough time with you, so you tried to get me out of my job and into your life for good. We spent a rapturous five days together, but at the end it was clear our relationship was getting very unhealthy.
But I simply couldn’t go more than a week without you, beautiful Alcohol. I already sensed my angel was gone for good, so what was the harm? As we know now, the harm was irreparable and I’m choking on it as I write this. You brought me back to despair and cocaine and a strange trip with strangers that could’ve gotten me murdered and left for dead in the woods and complete loss of respect from friends and family and colleagues and an overwhelming desire to leave you for good in favor of the afterworld.
Alcohol, let me be clear. I appreciate all of the aforementioned things you’ve done for me, but I think it’s time we went our separate ways. As you know, I’m also separating from my angel, however much I hope only temporarily. In her absence there is simply no place for you. You’ve taken all you can, so please accept that this is over and move on.
I would say I wish you well, but I have to be honest—I don’t. I hate you. I hope you can understand my animosity even in the face of all you’ve done for me. You see, Alcohol, with and without you I have nothing now. And that was your goal. You win.
Let us never speak again. It is my time to win.
Sincerely,
M
Dear Alcohol:
We’ve been together coming up on 15 years now. I’d like to take this opportunity to personally thank you for all you’ve done for me.
Acting through my father you destroyed my family, leaving us at times penniless and requiring free lunches. My pride forced me into a paper route and routine stealing to cover up my insecurity about being the son of a poor alcoholic.
You kindly destroyed my grandfather’s liver and left him bedridden, giving him fair reason to shoot himself in the heart.
Not getting into Harvard was my first real setback in life. You helped me through that in the form of a few beers in Myrtle Beach and a couple of Bartyles & James peach wine coolers, my first buzz at age 18. From there, we were inseparable.
When I was insecure upon arriving at Northwestern, for the first time amongst my intellectual equals and superiors, you enabled me to stifle my feelings and proceed with an appearance of stark normality. When your effects foisted severe panic attacks upon my fragile frame, you were always around to make things right again. You made me feel like vomiting constantly for two years, and when I drank more of you that feeling went away. I appreciated your ongoing concern.
In the midst of this chaos, I got close with a few of your friends. I found I could routinely smoke marijuana and drop acid to heal myself of the wounds you’d inflicted, so that I could enjoy you all the more later in the day. I want to thank you for these introductions to such influential characters in my life.
By halting my maturation process, you allowed me to avoid serious relationships altogether. I was able to trample the hearts of several young girls who were wholly incapable of saving me. You caused unwanted pregnancies, making sure that one in particular would never forget me and that I could never forgive myself. This proved ever so important in cementing our bond.
For many years, you kept me fiscally insolvent, freeing me of the responsibilities that come along with managing one’s income. By absorbing my paychecks ahead of time through credit cards, you kept me from worrying about the many options a man of my talent might have.
When I was 21, I met your friend cocaine, who accelerated my descent into sacred darkness. The combination of your suggestive powers left me hospitalized for the first time shortly thereafter, necessitating my very first stint in rehab. I didn’t even attend the first class (at your urging), nearly making my graduation impossible. Somehow, with your help, I was able to maintain my mediocre grade point average and wiggle out of my prestigious institution with lambskin in hand. Also thanks to you, I had nowhere to go, because you were able to obligingly preoccupy so much of my time that I had been unable to find a job.
You offered your services for four straight days the summer after graduation and made me insane enough to quit my job and move to San Francisco. There, our lives became more intertwined as my professional life revolved around you. I helped others to receive your joy, and I heaped plenty upon myself. You wisely inserted yourself between me and the steering wheel on many occasions, ensuring that I would not wreck my car at night because I would never risk spilling my best friend.
Thanks to you, I was fired from my job after two quick promotions. I wound up pissing myself for three weeks in friends’ apartments in San Francisco. How silly of me; I forgot to thank you for making me **** the bed at least three times a week as a grown man! Without this little habit, I might have garnered some integrity or, say, self-confidence, which would have forced me into the pressure-filled life of an upstanding citizen. Thank you for saving me from this nuisance.
You enabled me at age 25 to live with my alcoholic father, which made me in turn highly attractive to the fairer sex. During this year you reminded me every day that I had lost the love of my life, again, thanks to you. She was never coming back, you assured me. With larger quantities of your sacramental elixirs, I was able to stay stuck in a hole and lose several jobs in a very short period of time.
I should also take this opportunity to thank you for introducing me to chain smoking, something that has painted my lungs black and often kept me from trying harder to attain optimum health (which would surely only lead to failure).
Thanks for filling up my veins in October 1998 to a toxic level (.314), forcing me to neglect to signal a turn and end up in the back of a police car. I apologize for the court-ordered three-month break that followed; our first extended time apart was difficult for you, I know.
I almost gave up on you at this point, but deep inside I knew you had more in store for me. I swore you off when I moved back to San Francisco, but I couldn’t stand to think of you out there without me for long. You quickly made sure that I wasn’t shackled to my new job or my friends, all of which I nearly lost in a rapid-fire succession of four-day binges that left me pissing and vomiting everywhere.
I want to especially thank you for the Christmas I had to call my mother and tell her I had the flu, when the truth was that we had been cavorting together for several days. It was just one of many times I’ve broken her heart, thanks to you. I know you tried to help me kill myself that Christmas day, and apologize for regurgitating you and surviving. But we were thus able to spend a few more precious days together, which soon landed me back in rehab, without you.
Those were hard years. We were on again, off again for quite some time. Once I abandoned you for ten months and at the end found an angel. I’ll admit, she was and is better than you. I’d never seen a more beautiful thing. You had been replaced.
But alas, we were destined for each other, and you managed to brush her aside repeatedly. Somehow I juggled the two of you, despite your angst for each other. I kept our triangle alive for several years, until I finally decided—enough. She was simply more important than you, Alcohol.
Of course, I never forgot about you, despite my best efforts. Eventually, I took you back, and I was so happy that first night after 18 months without you that I **** my pants to prove it. We showed my angel good that night.
From there, it took a few months, but you again got me back to the hospital with a glorious IV drip in my arm. I was soon telling more counselors and doctors about your powers, all the while staying secretly faithful to you.
I could sense your jealously. I was trying hard to do right by my angel, but you wouldn’t let that happen. You took me away for days at a time to ensure that she would loathe me. You did an excellent job.
You finally decided that I was not spending enough time with you, so you tried to get me out of my job and into your life for good. We spent a rapturous five days together, but at the end it was clear our relationship was getting very unhealthy.
But I simply couldn’t go more than a week without you, beautiful Alcohol. I already sensed my angel was gone for good, so what was the harm? As we know now, the harm was irreparable and I’m choking on it as I write this. You brought me back to despair and cocaine and a strange trip with strangers that could’ve gotten me murdered and left for dead in the woods and complete loss of respect from friends and family and colleagues and an overwhelming desire to leave you for good in favor of the afterworld.
Alcohol, let me be clear. I appreciate all of the aforementioned things you’ve done for me, but I think it’s time we went our separate ways. As you know, I’m also separating from my angel, however much I hope only temporarily. In her absence there is simply no place for you. You’ve taken all you can, so please accept that this is over and move on.
I would say I wish you well, but I have to be honest—I don’t. I hate you. I hope you can understand my animosity even in the face of all you’ve done for me. You see, Alcohol, with and without you I have nothing now. And that was your goal. You win.
Let us never speak again. It is my time to win.
Sincerely,
M
Thanks for sharing your journey with us.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Luton, Bedfordshire
Posts: 45
It's always said that gifted people are somehow more susceptible to addictions and if you look at the biographies of artists, actors, musicians then many seem to have developed problems. Maybe it's their mindsets, maybe it's the endless social functions that they are invited to or the amount of free time they have.
In a weird sort of way this is a sort of backhanded compliment to you my friend because gifted you certainly are. I hope you find some focus for your talents.
Good Luck
In a weird sort of way this is a sort of backhanded compliment to you my friend because gifted you certainly are. I hope you find some focus for your talents.
Good Luck
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