PurpleReign

This is a post that I will likely regret writing, but it's necessary for me to see clearly - my vision is gone. I'm blind to the world and my life. I'm filled with hate and distrust.

I hate my mom for divorcing my father, a good man, and staying with a man for 8 years while he beat both of us.

I hate that man, who is scared to death of me now.
I hate myself for wanting to beat him to near death with my bear hands and wanting to thrown a gun within hands grasp to shoot himself after I leave.

I hate that I make so much money and so many good people struggle to make ends meet and I don't deserve sh1t.

I hate my dad for having an 18 year old move in with us when I was 16, and wanting to have sex with her but denying her for so long. He was dating her...what a phucking mess.

I'm a mess and I'm pissed as hell.

PR

Tazman53

PR anger is normal, especially for what you have told, but anger is one of the big reasons some one will pick up again.

I am not sure where you are in your steps, but I would first talk to my sponsor and follow that with a visit to a therapist. What you have described is a whole boat load of anger and hate that the sooner you get it worked out the better, it will be one of those things that will help you stay sober in the long run, living with that anger and hate is not healthy for any one, but for an alcoholic it can be deadly.

I would work the steps with vigor with my sponsor and be seeing a therapist.

Anna

Hi Purple Reign,

I think it's always good to vent and to get your feelings out, no matter how bad it seems to sound. I found I had a huge amount of anger after I stopped drinking and I started writing it down to get it out and it really helped. Try to feel the anger and then let it go. You don't need to carry it with you on your shoulders. You can put it down now, and move forward.

parentrecovers

hugs, pr. i'm sorry you had to go through all that. blessings, k

Tazman53

PR when I did my 5th step with my sponsor I was releived of anger that I had been holding inside me in one case over 20 some years, when I had done all of my 5th step I felt like and still do feel like I am free, I felt the weight of the world was lifted off my shoulders.

GlassPrisoner

I agree with Taz PR, get with your sponsor & do your step work if you haven't already. yeah, 4th & 5th get rid of all that. In other words, let go of the Anvil

cali

I agree with glass and Taz--the freedom for you absolutely lies in the steps.
keep posting and getting it out.

CarolD

(+) (+) (+) Mega Hugs and Prayers

PurpleReign

Taz, Glass, Carol, Cali, and Anna...the dream team.

Thanks so much for your replies, they mean so f-ing much to me right now. It's so damn hard, yet so damn simple - it's killin' me. I've been drinking again and it's everything I thought it wouldn't be.

(Breath) - Well, just have to focus on tomorrow and finally get my ass to a meeting and get a sponsor. The day I get a sponsor will be one of my happiest days.

I'm really starting to like this normie that I had dinner with over the weekend. She hasn't known me intoxicated only sober. It was so cool to hang out with her and be so interested in her rather than the 2 glasses of wine she drank. Funny...I didn't think much of the wine that night (perhaps that I could have imbibed two bottles to her two glasses) but I really enjoyed MYSELF that night and it's somewhat foreign to have feelings for someone else at this point. It's damn cool I wasn't drinking and didn't try to get physical with her...(I'm so thankful for not drinking that night.)

Feeling better...thanks for your thoughts.

Peace,
PR

Sugah

PR....clean out your inbox!

Until then.........(((PR)))

Peace & Love,
Sugah

barb dwyer

****{PR}}}

what they said ... and - save this post for that time.
You're just feeling things, hon. Bad things, but feeling them, just the same.
The things we sedated ... come back to the surface when the drug wears off.

it's been said to me a LOT that the inability to get going with the steps (namely - three and four) are the biggest reason people can't truly stop drinking. why they go back out.

don't go back, Pr - go forward.
meanwhile- some stuff just has to come out when it comes out.

we got 'cher back...

GrouchoTheCat

Hang in there PR

collinsmi

See how worthwhile and productive those resentments are? Do a good 4th, 5th, and learn how to do the 10th and 11th, and I bet they won't be nearly as troublesome.

Since you've been back out, I have to ask. What's the deal with that mike's lemonade? Just taste like regular old lemonade with everclear? Also, zima. Just another kind of wine cooler?

PurpleReign

Thanks again friends, sober today thankfully. I thought I would regret that post, but I don't. It really felt good to get that crap out of my system.

Sug,
Inbox is cleared, thanks.

Thank you Barb, I always look forward to your wisdom.

Coll,
It's alcohol, why do you want to know - I really don't feel like describing poison. If you'd like to learn more about them check a website. Thanks.

PR