Feeling awkward at meetings
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: my own little world
Posts: 98
Feeling awkward at meetings
I'm still hanging in there at the meetings. I've been to 4 in a row. My sponsor wants me to go to one every day for 90 days. I feel so nervous going there like I'm going to have surgery or something. I feel sick, my heart races, etc. Then I pull up and see people standing outside. I hate walking up. I've NEVER been good at going up to strangers mingling or fitting in. THAT is one reason I use to drink it gave me confidence to do that. They are all standing around smoking. I quit smoking 2 years ago. I feel it would be easier to socialize if I had the cigarette in hand and a reason to just stand there. But I can't pick up smoking again that is not why I am there. During the meeting I'm sitting there anxious avoiding looking at faces and wondering if anyone recognizes me from anywhere. Then afterwards the same social awkwardness. A few people speak to me but not ALOT of people.
What do others do? Do you go up to people and say something or just wait for people to speak to you? The last 2 meeting have been large meetings so that is difficult for me as well. Tonight was a speaker. Basicly I find my sponsor and just stick to her like glue but I'm wondering if she isn't getting tired of that. She told me she won't be at tommorrow night's meeting. Some of the women just look at me.
Normally I would just say to heck with it this feels too uncomfortable and not go back but I'm trying to really give this my best effort.
I'm just looking for suggestions as to how and when you begin to feel comfortable in meetings. How did you overcome this? did you feel the same way?
I'm just not good at this whole being new and social and getting myself out there...never have been. any suggestions are welcomed.
What do others do? Do you go up to people and say something or just wait for people to speak to you? The last 2 meeting have been large meetings so that is difficult for me as well. Tonight was a speaker. Basicly I find my sponsor and just stick to her like glue but I'm wondering if she isn't getting tired of that. She told me she won't be at tommorrow night's meeting. Some of the women just look at me.
Normally I would just say to heck with it this feels too uncomfortable and not go back but I'm trying to really give this my best effort.
I'm just looking for suggestions as to how and when you begin to feel comfortable in meetings. How did you overcome this? did you feel the same way?
I'm just not good at this whole being new and social and getting myself out there...never have been. any suggestions are welcomed.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: my own little world
Posts: 98
just wanted to add this too....it's been a while since I had a drink so i'm not going through withdrawals and all the physical stuff but I'm dealing with emotional stuff like depression and anxiety. Those 2 things make getting to the meetings even more challenging. i stayed sober for a stretch of time without doing AA but just never recovered emotionally/mentally/spiritual. That is why I am now going back. i guess i just see so many in there "newbies" talking about wanting a drink soooo badly. I'm not sitting on my hands to not get a drink. Drinking is not an option for me. i've learned to not drink but i need to learn how to live without drinking. does that make sense. its like i don't need to call someone and say oh i want to drink talk me out of it. i just sit home and sink into depression and anxiety b/c I don't know how to cope or deal with feelings. i have 2 emotions.....depression and anxiety/fear. is this typical of an alcoholic that doesn't drink but doesn't do AA?? any experiences with it?
maybe i can bring this up at a meeting topic.
maybe i can bring this up at a meeting topic.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Walden CO
Posts: 151
Serina - I'm new to AA and actually have only been to 2 meetings so far. My 3rd will be this coming Tuesday. I also felt apprehensive when I first got there but didn't experience the fear and anxiety that you're going through. My meetings are in Laramie, WY and there were only about 20 people there. The worst part of it was that at my first meeting, I was the first to arrive. It was tempting to turn tail and run before anyone saw me. But, I sat on a chair in the hall and just waited.
Because I don't have the ddepression, anxiety and fear that you have, I don't know if I can be of help, but what I did was simply say "hi" to each person as they walked by me sitting in that chair. The first guy wanted to know what time it was and walked on by. The next guy sat down with me and we visited about the little town I'm from in Colorado. When the meeting actually started, I was very nervous but found that everyone made me feel pretty comfortable and my apprehension quickly subsided. My nervousness was gone by the 2nd meeting.
I think bring the topic up at a meeting is an excellent idea. Have you discussed your depression and so on with your doctor? I understand what you mean about needing to learn to live without drinking. I'm on my 3rd try at sobriety and that has been one of the most difficult things for me. Even filling up my day with things to do is hard -I was so used to having alcohol consume my day, that having all this time on my hands is hard.
Perhaps you can talk to your sponsor about the way you're feeling. I'm sure she's not getting tired of you "clinging". Even though we all hate to ask for help, giving help to someone is very pleasurable and rewarding. Do talk to your sponsor and good luck!
Nanita
Because I don't have the ddepression, anxiety and fear that you have, I don't know if I can be of help, but what I did was simply say "hi" to each person as they walked by me sitting in that chair. The first guy wanted to know what time it was and walked on by. The next guy sat down with me and we visited about the little town I'm from in Colorado. When the meeting actually started, I was very nervous but found that everyone made me feel pretty comfortable and my apprehension quickly subsided. My nervousness was gone by the 2nd meeting.
I think bring the topic up at a meeting is an excellent idea. Have you discussed your depression and so on with your doctor? I understand what you mean about needing to learn to live without drinking. I'm on my 3rd try at sobriety and that has been one of the most difficult things for me. Even filling up my day with things to do is hard -I was so used to having alcohol consume my day, that having all this time on my hands is hard.
Perhaps you can talk to your sponsor about the way you're feeling. I'm sure she's not getting tired of you "clinging". Even though we all hate to ask for help, giving help to someone is very pleasurable and rewarding. Do talk to your sponsor and good luck!
Nanita
Coffee Drinker
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Lobstah Land
Posts: 1,122
If you need to, stick to your sponsor like glue! She shouldn't mind.
I too went through what you are describing. Even now I'll be outside smoking and I am usually by myself. My sponsor doesn't smoke and neither do most of the guys I know best at meetings.
Don't know what to say besides, just hang in there, it will get better,
Ted
I too went through what you are describing. Even now I'll be outside smoking and I am usually by myself. My sponsor doesn't smoke and neither do most of the guys I know best at meetings.
Don't know what to say besides, just hang in there, it will get better,
Ted
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Can you combine AA with some counseling to deal with issues like shyness, anxiety and all issues that led you to drinking or to outpatient program that has counseling component.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in the present moment
Posts: 2,060
Hi serina,
Please consider doing as your sponsor has suggested. The 90 in 90 will help you to gain a solid foundation, a greater ease in the meetings and to become known. It also helps establish a new habit, to fall back on when you are struggling or resisting going to a meeting.
I still feel awkward at meetings sometimes but I still get alot from going to them. I absorb what is shared for days. I process what others share and learn from them.
I also suggest that you try smaller meetings too. I go to some large meetings, but feel the most at ease in smaller ones. Mix it up. A step meeting, a Big Book meeting, a speaker meeting and a few open discussions will really give you the fullest experience, I believe.
This is a very critical time in recovery, the early days. I am so happy you have a sponsor. it will be ok. Just stay in the moment, try not to project too far into the future, and you can make it past the awkward ness.
good luck!
Please consider doing as your sponsor has suggested. The 90 in 90 will help you to gain a solid foundation, a greater ease in the meetings and to become known. It also helps establish a new habit, to fall back on when you are struggling or resisting going to a meeting.
I still feel awkward at meetings sometimes but I still get alot from going to them. I absorb what is shared for days. I process what others share and learn from them.
I also suggest that you try smaller meetings too. I go to some large meetings, but feel the most at ease in smaller ones. Mix it up. A step meeting, a Big Book meeting, a speaker meeting and a few open discussions will really give you the fullest experience, I believe.
This is a very critical time in recovery, the early days. I am so happy you have a sponsor. it will be ok. Just stay in the moment, try not to project too far into the future, and you can make it past the awkward ness.
good luck!
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Cumming, Ga
Posts: 665
Hey Serina, I too have had anxiety during meetings. I'm right at 67 days back in the program, but my last drink was long before I came back. For me it's been emotional at times. Part of it for me is surrendering to the program. Once I got a sponsor and started doing some work with him, it's eased up. I also drink a lot of coffee which doesn't help. I've gotten pretty comfortable meeting people. I was welcomed when I first came, and had a number of people come up to me after my first meeting. I signed up for the phone list and made it my home group after a couple of meetings. It really does feel like home. I'm still learnign names and faces. Sometimes I will initiate conversation or introduce myself. Keep coming. This will get better. Come early, even the non smokers hang out with the smokers outside. Stay late. If people are going out after to dinner, try to join them. Sobriety happens at the Waffle House. And if you aren't sharing, share some. I have found that there are a number of things in life and recovery that I may not want to do, but I can do them anyway. I may not want to cut the grass, but I can do it even when I don't want to. Same with recovery. Feelings aren't facts. They are perceptions. Just because you feel awkward, doesn't mean you are awkward. We are all trying to get in the lifeboat. I personally like it when someone introduces themselves to me, so try it, you might make a new friend. And we need all the sober friends we can get.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Murrieta, Ca
Posts: 2,683
I never felt comfortable anywhere, why would a meeting be any different ? I was afraid they'd ignore me. Or, even worse, single me out for attention !
I swallowed my pride (which is all it really is holding you back, fear of looking bad) and walked in.
My worst fears were confirmed !!!! They hugged me, talked to me, gave me phone numbers, and told me they'd been just where I am before.
And you know, it wasn't that bad after a few meetings.
Today, the fellowship is one of my favorite parts of AA. I'm reading and sharing in front of a group. I shake hands with total strangers, and introduce myself to newcomers. This is a previously introverted recluse with a serious social anxiety complex.
I swallowed my pride (which is all it really is holding you back, fear of looking bad) and walked in.
My worst fears were confirmed !!!! They hugged me, talked to me, gave me phone numbers, and told me they'd been just where I am before.
And you know, it wasn't that bad after a few meetings.
Today, the fellowship is one of my favorite parts of AA. I'm reading and sharing in front of a group. I shake hands with total strangers, and introduce myself to newcomers. This is a previously introverted recluse with a serious social anxiety complex.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Cleveland Ohio
Posts: 290
Originally Posted by serina 
A few people speak to me but not ALOT of people.
Originally Posted by serina
What do others do? Do you go up to people and say something or just wait for people to speak to you? Some of the women just look at me.
One question you have to ask yourself... do you like the anxiety of social pressure? Ok it sucks! So you can continue in the state of suckiness or try something different.
Go up and talk to someone if that is what you want. They will either talk back or you will know pretty quickly they don't want to talk. Don't know what to say... how about "Hi, how you doing?" They will say something like "Oh... not bad... " and then they will either tell you about something going on in their life... or they will ask you how you are doing... and that is your oportunity to say something... like... Oh pretty good... "yesterday this and that happened and blah blah blah... "
When you get to know people better it will get easier... start with 1 or 2 friendly people... make a point to go say hello to them when you get there... even if it is only to make eye contact and wave... (and smile)
Originally Posted by serina
Normally I would just say to heck with it this feels too uncomfortable and not go back but I'm trying to really give this my best effort.
Originally Posted by serina
I'm just looking for suggestions as to how and when you begin to feel comfortable in meetings. How did you overcome this? did you feel the same way?
Originally Posted by serina
I'm just not good at this whole being new and social and getting myself out there...never have been. any suggestions are welcomed.
...
----
Has your sponsor introduced you to anybody? They might be an easy person to meet...
Me... I am a creature of habbit... so I was nerverous the first few meeting I went to so I did this... I walk in... I get a cup of coffee... find a chair (same one every meeting if I can get it)... then I put my coffee down... and then make the rounds to say hellow to folks... if you are really nervous... go in with a plan... coffee... get seet... etc...
OH... and if you don't feel like talking... then don't fret about just going and then sitting the saying nothing to nobody... pass when it is your turn.. when it is over leave... I am not suggesting that everytime nor as something you do often... just that if you feel the need to be to yourself... then don't fret about it...
came-came to-came to believe
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,116
Hi Serina--
I Totally relate to everything you said and are feeling about meetings---you are NOT alone! I love all of the responses--they are all so true. The bottom line is that it takes "time" to feel comfortable. Some days are better than others for me.
This morning felt like a total "social relapse" for me. But I will keep going because it's the ONLY way for me to stay sober. I have proven it time and time again.
Thank you for this post because it lets me know that I am not alone.
I Totally relate to everything you said and are feeling about meetings---you are NOT alone! I love all of the responses--they are all so true. The bottom line is that it takes "time" to feel comfortable. Some days are better than others for me.
This morning felt like a total "social relapse" for me. But I will keep going because it's the ONLY way for me to stay sober. I have proven it time and time again.
Thank you for this post because it lets me know that I am not alone.
Lost-n-Found
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Cairo
Posts: 923
Hey Serina,
Wow, Im just like you, exactly. Big part of why I used anything is to be able to deal with people.
Today will be my 64th meeting in a row. I am doing the 90/90. What you're feeling is toooooooooooooootaly normal. It gets much better. just hang in there and no matter what keep going if you want to stay alive. Sometimes it helped me to say Hi to people as i walk past or i've asked my sponsor to introduce me to people. As you go to more meetings you'll see more familiar people that are "regulars". Communication just happens. That fear of pepole inside is not real. It's our disease and we can beat it.It will happen if you hang in there. I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Magellan
Wow, Im just like you, exactly. Big part of why I used anything is to be able to deal with people.
Today will be my 64th meeting in a row. I am doing the 90/90. What you're feeling is toooooooooooooootaly normal. It gets much better. just hang in there and no matter what keep going if you want to stay alive. Sometimes it helped me to say Hi to people as i walk past or i've asked my sponsor to introduce me to people. As you go to more meetings you'll see more familiar people that are "regulars". Communication just happens. That fear of pepole inside is not real. It's our disease and we can beat it.It will happen if you hang in there. I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Magellan
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Serina just hang out, if you feel like it talk to someone, if not don't.
A lot of newcomers feel like you, wait until you go to the same meeting the second time, and the third time, there are people there that are nervous about speaking to a newcomer because just like you they may have some anxiety.
There are 2 big reasons for 90 meetings in 90 days, it breaks the habit of drinking, but in my book it allows a comfort level to be reached and friendships and trust to be established.
Keep going back, it does get better.
Oh yea, and it would not hurt to see a therapist if you have not seen one already.
A lot of newcomers feel like you, wait until you go to the same meeting the second time, and the third time, there are people there that are nervous about speaking to a newcomer because just like you they may have some anxiety.
There are 2 big reasons for 90 meetings in 90 days, it breaks the habit of drinking, but in my book it allows a comfort level to be reached and friendships and trust to be established.
Keep going back, it does get better.
Oh yea, and it would not hurt to see a therapist if you have not seen one already.
No more merlot, more mamma
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Hills, Ct
Posts: 2,139
I can totally relate to what you are saying...I don't feel comfortable in groups of people, doesn't matter where it is, I just felt like this Friday night hanging out with a bunch of new friends! All nice people, but its my own ego/insecurities popping up (as others have said). A big reason I started drinking in the first place was because of my social anxiety..its difficult not relying on that crutch now.
I feel for you..its not easy and I too am hoping that it gets better!
I feel for you..its not easy and I too am hoping that it gets better!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arizona
Posts: 7
I know how you're feeling. I just went to my second meeting last night and felt a little akward. My first meeting was a smaller group and I felt very welcomed by everyone. My 2nd meeting was a much larger group who seemed to know one another pretty well and I felt akward. One gentleman offered to walk out with me, but it turned out that he wasn't parked in front...as I was and he asked for my phone number. That's not what I'm going to meetings for.
It seemed that when I was drinking after 1 or 2 I was able to be more social....if only I was able to stop at 1 or 2. After 10 or 12 I was certainly more social, but I was making a complete ass of myself.
I'm sure if we keep going to meetings we will definately start getting to know some people. We just have to hang in there.
It seemed that when I was drinking after 1 or 2 I was able to be more social....if only I was able to stop at 1 or 2. After 10 or 12 I was certainly more social, but I was making a complete ass of myself.
I'm sure if we keep going to meetings we will definately start getting to know some people. We just have to hang in there.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,056
Welcome to SR, LuvsSunshine, always good to see another desert dweller posting here.
serina, the meetings I attend every night have around 100 people in attendance, it's a very diverse crowd. It was intimidating at first, but the way I see it now it opens up my recovery program to so much more experience. If someone doesn't have the experience, strength, and hope that I want there's plenty more to talk to, and I've made more friends than I thought could be possible.
Meetings can be so uncomfortable in the beginning, but when I learned to open up to others the miracles started happening. Stick with it, the Promises do come true.
serina, the meetings I attend every night have around 100 people in attendance, it's a very diverse crowd. It was intimidating at first, but the way I see it now it opens up my recovery program to so much more experience. If someone doesn't have the experience, strength, and hope that I want there's plenty more to talk to, and I've made more friends than I thought could be possible.
Meetings can be so uncomfortable in the beginning, but when I learned to open up to others the miracles started happening. Stick with it, the Promises do come true.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Somwhere over the rainbow
Posts: 1,175
i experienced what you do, i.e. stress social anxiety etc., at the end of the day I just kept going and I got through it and made friends. You will to. ... sorta nice way of saying ... this too shall pass! 
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