wantthistowork

I am head over heels in love with my boyfriend. He is an alcoholic. Says he wants help. He has (as far as I know) been very good for nearly 30days. He had one really bad fall. I was just getting something out of the closet and found an entire bottle of Jim. Basically one sip has been taken from the bottle. Now. The other night when I wasn't around he swore he wasnt going to drink...it is a possibility this bottle has been there fora week but I really think it is a pretty new addition. The other night he was looking online for help, found something called moderation management that he wants to try. We are going on a trip in the next couple of days where we will be meeting a bunch of my friends, all of whom drink, and we had a lengthy talk about it and he said that he was probably going to drink if we were around them...we talked and talked about it, I said I didn't want to ruin all the good work he had done, he says he is pretty sure he can handle it, that we are going to ski, not to drink......I recognize that he doesn't want to be the "non-drinker" there......I said we didn't have to go if it was something thrown in his face. Regardless, he wants to try the moderation management. Has anyone here tried it? Additionally, I want to know if I confront him about the bottle I found, or if I put it back and see if he drinks out of it? I don't know what to do. I do believe he is trying and I support him, but I also can't handle being lied to. It was such an incredible let down when I found that bottle-because I KNOW it is more recent than from the last time he drank. I almost wonder if he bought it and then had second thoughts and decided not to drink or what. I am asking on this forum because I want the opinion of those of you struggling with this situation, not from the board that is going to tell me to leave him and take care of myself. I know he loves me and vice versa, this is just a problem we are dealing with and will hopefully work out in the end. Please respond.

thanks.

hope3

Hi, WTTW, according to the NIAAA, if a person is an alcoholic, no they need abstinence…Heres the info, from NIAAA

http://www.niaaa.nih.gov/FAQs/Genera...roblem_drinker

11. Can a problem drinker simply cut down?
It depends. If that person has been diagnosed as an alcoholic, the answer is "no." Alcoholics who try to cut down on drinking rarely succeed. Cutting out alcohol--that is, abstaining--is usually the best course for recovery. People who are not alcohol dependent but who have experienced alcohol-related problems may be able to limit the amount they drink. If they can't stay within those limits, they need to stop drinking altogether. (See the question 13, "What is a safe level of drinking?") (See also "Publications/Pamphlets and Brochures,"

How to Cut Down on Your Drinking
NATIONAL INSTITUTE ON ALCOHOL ABUSE AND ALCOHOLISM
NATIONAL INSTITUTES OF HEALTH



How to Cut Down on Your Drinking
If you are drinking too much, you can improve your life and health by cutting down. How do you know if you drink too much? Read these questions and answer "yes" or "no":
• Do you drink alone when you feel angry or sad?
• Does your drinking ever make you late for work?
• Does your drinking worry your family?
• Do you ever drink after telling yourself you won't?
• Do you ever forget what you did while you were drinking?
• Do you get headaches or have a hang-over after you have been drinking?
If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, you may have a drinking problem. Check with your doctor to be sure. Your doctor will be able to tell you whether you should cut down or abstain. If you are alcoholic or have other medical problems, you should not just cut down on your drinking--you should stop drinking completely. Your doctor will advise you about what is right for you.
If your doctor tells you to cut down on your drinking, these steps can help you:
1. Write your reasons for cutting down or stopping.
Why do you want to drink less? There are many reasons why you may want to cut down or stop drinking. You may want to improve your health, sleep better, or get along better with your family or friends. Make a list of the reasons you want to drink less.
2. Set a drinking goal.
Choose a limit for how much you will drink. You may choose to cut down or not to drink at all. If you are cutting down, keep below these limits:
Women: No more than one drink a day
Men: No more than two drinks a day
A drink is:
• a 12-ounce bottle of beer;
• a 5-ounce glass of wine; or
• a 1 1/2-ounce shot of liquor.
These limits may be too high for some people who have certain medical problems or who are older. Talk with your doctor about the limit that is right for you.

Now--write your drinking goal on a piece of paper. Put it where you can see it, such as on your refrigerator or bathroom mirror. Your paper might look like this:
My drinking goal
• I will start on this day ____________.
• I will not drink more than ______ drinks in 1 day.
• I will not drink more than ______ drinks in 1 week.
or
• I will stop drinking alcohol.
3. Keep a "diary" of your drinking.
To help you reach your goal, keep a "diary" of your drinking. For example, write down every time you have a drink for 1 week. Try to keep your diary for 3 or 4 weeks. This will show you how much you drink and when. You may be surprised. How different is your goal from the amount you drink now? Use the "drinking diary" below to write down when you drink.
Week:
# of drinks type of drinks place consumed
Mon.
Tues.
Wed.
Thurs.
Fri.
Sat.
Sun.
Week:
# of drinks type of drinks place consumed
Mon.
Tues.
Wed.
Thurs.
Fri.
Sat.
Sun.
Week:
# of drinks type of drinks place consumed
Mon.
Tues.
Wed.
Thurs.
Fri.
Sat.
Sun.
Week:
# of drinks type of drinks place consumed
Mon.
Tues.
Wed.
Thurs.
Fri.
Sat.
Sun.

Now you know why you want to drink less and you have a goal. There are many ways you can help yourself to cut down. Try these tips:
Watch it at home.
Keep a small amount or no alcohol at home. Don't keep temptations around.
Drink slowly.
When you drink, sip your drink slowly. Take a break of 1 hour between drinks. Drink soda, water, or juice after a drink with alcohol. Do not drink on an empty stomach! Eat food when you are drinking.
Take a break from alcohol.
Pick a day or two each week when you will not drink at all. Then, try to stop drinking for 1 week. Think about how you feel physically and emotionally on these days. When you succeed and feel better, you may find it easier to cut down for good.
Learn how to say NO.
You do not have to drink when other people drink. You do not have to take a drink that is given to you. Practice ways to say no politely. For example, you can tell people you feel better when you drink less. Stay away from people who give you a hard time about not drinking.
Stay active.
What would you like to do instead of drinking? Use the time and money spent on drinking to do something fun with your family or friends. Go out to eat, see a movie, or play sports or a game.
Get support.
Cutting down on your drinking may be difficult at times. Ask your family and friends for support to help you reach your goal. Talk to your doctor if you are having trouble cutting down. Get the help you need to reach your goal.
Watch out for temptations.
Watch out for people, places, or times that make you drink, even if you do not want to. Stay away from people who drink a lot or bars where you used to go. Plan ahead of time what you will do to avoid drinking when you are tempted.
Do not drink when you are angry or upset or have a bad day. These are habits you need to break if you want to drink less.
DO NOT GIVE UP!
Most people do not cut down or give up drinking all at once. Just like a diet, it is not easy to change. That is okay. If you do not reach your goal the first time, try again. Remember, get support from people who care about you and want to help. Do not give up!

All material in this pamphlet is free of copyright restrictions and may be reproduced or duplicated without permission from the Institute; citation of the source is appreciated.

NIH Pub No. 96-3770
Printed 1996

Good luck WTTW, hope3

wantthistowork

Thank you, that is very similar to what he found and something he would like to try. He is probably an alcoholic, but not alcohol dependent (when he HAS been sober, he did not suffer serious withdrawl). But i would say he would answer yes to those questions.....

The other thing i want to know is if i confront him about the bottle. Chances are, I will, because I have a hard time keeping ANYTHING inside, and he will know if I am upset and eventually pull it out of me, but just wondering if it is a huge mistake. we work together, I will see him in about an hour at work and know it will be hard to bite my tongue through the shift and act like everything is normal.......ughh.

teej

What hope said! Welcome to SR!........See the family & friends section, great info in there!!!!!

wantthistowork

I like what hope has said, but 90% of what is said on the friends and family board is from people like me, who basically say that my plight with my boyfriend is hopeless. I am asking on this board because I am wondering what your responses would be if you were in my boyfriend's shoes. I already know that it hurts more than anything to love an alcoholic and there is nothing I can do......but I can't help it, I love him to death and certainly don't want death to be the result. I don't want to leave him, and he is very open about talking about his problem. He might hide it from me at times but I think i find out almost every time and then he has remorse and claims he doesn't want to be this way.......I do know he is trying, and I do know its a problem......

Here is one other thing we have both been discussing. Medicine, whether it be in consumption form or in mental health help, has come very far in the past 80 years. I recognize the great things that AA has done, but it seems like there should be more answers out there than just that. does anyone agree with this? He WANTS help, wants to be able to moderate his drinking. However, he doesn't want to be labeled as part of that group that never drinks ever again, the entire life change, etc......I don't know. He has this thought that he can control it.......he knows how bad it has been inthe past, knows he has a problem, but wants to believe he can really focus and change his ways. I'm sure everyone wants that.......uggh. I am just rambling at this point.

CarolD

I know you have been dealing with this a long time
both here with us and on the Friends & Family Forum.

Did you ever go to Al anon as has been suggested?

Why not let him watch you "discover" the gin
and you then pour it out while he is there?

Here is a list of recovery programs

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-programs.html

Take care

teej

The thing is, is if "HE" really wants to quit 'for himself' then he will. And he will do whatever it takes to make that happen. If he is hiding his booze, I'm going to say that he isn't ready. Otherwise, he would put it in the kitchen cabinet or your bar, where you could see it.
Your asking me, so I'm going to lay it on the line. If he hides booze, I see a problem. "I" do not recommend moderation as it IS just a waste of time trying. If he isnt an alcoholic, he wouldnt have to even worry about moderation.

hope3

You know what wttw, I'll tell you what the 21st century experts

on acoholism say.

With appropriate treatment and commitment from the alcoholic, the chances of long term sobriety is 73%. This is the with all of these commitments and things in place

1. abstinence
Professional education and counseling from an accredited center...

A long term 12 step program, such as A.A.

Less than this, the percntages go down, no A. A. 44% chance of staying sober....

This infor is from the sundown clinic in MN, based on 65,000 patients.

Now let me ask you this, what is he looking for? He doesn't want to quit drinking...he must know that there is no such thing as cutting down....yet he says he wants to try it...according to the NIAAA, you are suppose to stop

covering up for him, let him know that that won't work, (cutting down)..

He needs to either commit to A.A. and 90 meetings in 90 days or get himself into some treatment....

Also according to the NIAAA, You need to decide what you want to do.

If you really want him to get sober, stop covering up for him, draw the line, I will stay if you commit to a program, there is online support groups and meetings..

Yes, I believe he can get sober, I believe everyone can, but I also know not everyone will, if you want to stay with him go for it, if he wants to stop he has to commit...

Best wishes, hope3, p.s. have you gone to al anon...

wantthistowork

i almost wonder if he forgot about it. It wasn't hidden very well.....he knew i was doing laundry today, and it was right behind where we keep the detergent. and i also think maybe he discovered the moderation management page the same time he was contemplating drinking the bottle. It was just interesting that literally, all of one sip was gone. Which is NOT normal behavior of how he typically downs the bottles. He really HAS been not drinking for a while........he is honest enough to say he doesn't know if he can actually be 100% sober, forever. As most of you know, I am sure, it is very daunting situation. He enjoys how he has been feeling, being active and athletic, etc......I believe he doesn't want to be the secretive, alcoholic drinker. He wants to figure out a way to manage it.

I am going to confront him, but very nicely about it. I was either thinking of mentioning that I did laundry today, and therefore got the detergent out of the closet and wait if he responds, or just coming out and saying, "listen. I know you are trying and I support you 100%. I want you to be honest with me and tell me when you last bought the bottle. I see you didn't drink it, so if you bought it and made a better decision for yourself, that is wonderful. I just can't handle finding this out this way." I think he wants to try the moderation management, the meetings, and the program description that Hope3 described (that is basically what he found that night, and showed it to me). He wants to try this route......if it doesn't work, then I think he might try the entire sobriety thing. But he sees this as a more realisitic approach for himself. I can't force anything on him (obviously), and if he works it and tries and it works for him, I can't complain. Does that make sense? I think it is worth a shot, he sees it that way, and if it backfires then perhaps he will go for all or nothing route, whether that be lose me and his life by continuing on the destructive path, or chose sobriety. Thoughts? Am I delusional?

teej

This is an interesting thread........

came2believe

You are going to drive yourself crazy looking for his bottles.

My husband could not have made me quit by finding bottles and confronting me. If anything, it made me angrier - then I used it as an excuse to drink more.

I am not saying you SHOULDN'T confront him. I am not saying you SHOULD. I am saying... who are you trying to control, here? Is it realistically possible for you to control this person? How does all this make YOU feel? I know I can control ME. That's it. No one else.

How old is he? I imagine he is old enough to make his own decisions. You may not like them, but they will be his own decisions.

I hear a lot about what you want for him. But what do you want for YOU?

It is hard. We all want those we love to be safe. My parents are alcoholics. I used to drive myself bats trying to control them. Guess what, it doesn't work. The best thing I can do is accept them for who they are, and control the one person I can control--me. I can make comfortable boundaries with them and let them know what behavior is not acceptable and what my actions will be if that is what is done. It is easier considering I live across the country from them.

There is a book out there called "Getting them Sober." I have heard a lot of good things about it. You might check it out. (I don't have the link)?

(((hugs)))

Sunflower

i would empty the bottle throw it out and say nothing...you will never know the ''story''of it all--maybe it's an old one -maybe not..you say he is trying so maybe this time give him the benifit ogf the doubt.

teej

Can I ask how much he drinks and how often? What hours of the day, how long it takes to drink a bottle?

CarolD

Good Luck...please don't have children involved
in this relationship for at least 10 years.

chrisj728

Hia wantitto,
I was in a situation very similar to what you say your bf is facing now.I had reached a point in my life when I knew I had to quit,not only for my own good but for the good of everybody around me. I went to see my doc, he had knowledge of my drinking problems and had warned me of the dangers for many years. But this time I was serious I would take any help he could give, he told me that there was no magic pill and sent me to see a management councilor. There I was told to log my drinking on a chart, pretty much the same as Hope has posted above. Then to return a week later to see where the problem times were and how I could cut down my intake at those times. I thanked the councilor for his time and said in doing what he asked I would be wasting his time and my own drinking time. You see I already knew that I was incapable of cutting down as I had tried it many times before.
But there started the chaos, I had sort help to recover,I had the backing of my wife and I knew I couldn't stop. So to keep every body happy I would pretend that I had learnt somthing off the councilor and I would now be able to limit my drinking. So I got into a situation where I would openly walk in the house with 4 beers having already drunk 1/2 a bottle of vodka outside the shop on my way home. Oh this seemed to work just fine, the wife was happy that I was only drinking 4 beers a night the rows had gotten less frequent all in the garden was rosey. But it didn't last long soon I was drinking more on my way home and I started taking 8 beers into the house. When challenged by the wife I would say "damn this drinking it sure gets me down but at least it's not as much as I used to".
The trouble was the deeper the hole I was digging got the more I drank secretly out of the guilt I felt for lieing to my wife. We had always had such an honest relationship, we hid nothing from each other. In the end I was hiding bottles of vodka in the garage, the garden shed, in my van, in my car in fact any where I could so that I could get a drink when I needed more. And guess what I still only took a few beers in every evening, Oh how smart I was she doesn't even know what i'm up to. WRONG of cause she did,she was just happy that somehow I was managing my temper better in drink, and even more happier when I finaly went sleep at night so she didn't have to tread on eggshells around me.

So if you ask me does controlled drinking work ? well for this alcoholic NO!
I have only found total abstenance can work for me, well just for today !
Tell your bf of my story and tell him I dont want him to follow me down that lonely road filled with guilt and shame and if he wants the peace of mind that I have now he has to do as I do now and totaly abstain.

thanks for letting me share

chris

came2believe

Hi,
I went to read your old posts, both here and at friends and family.

Many people have been telling you basically the same thing as I did.

Try Al-Anon. They recommend at least 6 meetings before you make up your mind as it may take time to find the right one. There is lots of literature there too that you can read.

Another bok you can read is "Codependent no More" by Melody Beattie. It opened up my eyes to what Codependency is. I am codependent too!

If your boyfriend wants to quit so badly, why isn't he in AA? Why isn't he doing every d*mn thing possible to quit drinking? Why are YOU doing all the research for him?

Sorry to be blunt, but I do not have much hope for this man at this time. I might feel differently if he reached out to me for help or began attending AA or became serious about quitting drinking.

You at least are reaching out for help. I have hope for you! That is GOOD news!!!!! But the thing is, you don't seem to be hearing what you want to hear. You seem to want someone to tell you that you can fix his alcohol problem. And so you keep doing what you are doing and are still full of angst and misery. Keep doing what you always have done, you'll get what you have always gotten. Are you happy with the way things are? You can't change him, but you can change YOU.

Maybe try and take just one tiny piece of advice from people here or in Friends and Family. Maybe just try one more Al-Anon meeting. One is not enough to make up your mind! Or maybe just read Melody's book. Just take one baby step toward the help you seem to be asking for.

I see such frantic confusion in your posts. I'm worried about you. Do you know you might end up making yourself very ill over this? I have seen it happen. I know of people who have ended up in hospitals due to their frantic efforts to control a loved one's drinking.

The alcoholic's downward spiral is easy to see.... but the codependent's downward spiral is just as tortured and destructive.

engine1

When my wife and I were dating 13 years ago, I remember driving down the road one day and just came out and told her the I was a alcoholic. I also told her that I was working on it and it won't be a problem, "I'll take care of it". We have two beautiful daughters and are now getting a divorce. The number one reason and cause for this situatuion was my inability to deal with my problem. I was able over ther years to stay clean for close to a year a number of times, only to go on a HUGE! binge usualy lasting 4-5 days and resulting in a hospital stay... I am in recovery now and am trying to work a program like never before but the damage to the marriage is done. I'm in no way say'ing that is going to happen to you and I will be praying for you guy's that it doesn't. But if he is an alcoholic he cannot and will not quit until he is ready. Simple as that. There is nothing anyone around the alcoholic can do to "make them stop". All you can really do is educate yourself about the disease and provide support. Alonon will probably provide the best help there is.

hope3

WTTW, you can help him by telling him

he needs to stop.

You will support his stopping, but will not support his drinking.

You will not go out drinking with him, or to functions or

parties that are all about drinking...

see what he does. Will he choose the parties and

booze, or you,,,, hope3

leeside

Alcoholics can't moderate.

earlybird

99% of the time....the translation here is this:

"I still want to drink"