scottyk

Hi, this is my post.

I have alot of knowledge about alcoholism and addiction and understand I am an alcoholic.
I am 28 and have been drinking since 15, very heavy at times.
I understand its a progressive disease.
I am wondering if I am a mild alcoholic that is still slowly winding down from my past (years of heavy drug use, club drugs and partying..Ecstacy, Special K, and coke)
Compared to where I was I have improved greatly (meaning no drugs)
My drinking still remains..At first I would only drink with other people(partying real hard and clubbing in underground drug clubs)

Then it progressed to more and more where I now drink by myself and doing any hard task like completeing school class or working on a car.

I just got threw a DUI and I still drink and drive.
I sometimes drink to get rid of hangovers.
And I sometimes drink before work and school.(inappropriate)
I maintain a full time job and part time school but been trew alot of relationships
Im clean and organized but alot of times I feel bad anxiety and like Im going to have a stroke or heart attack.I could just be stressed with all going on.
I guess Im wondering HOW BAD and HOW MUCH DAMAGE Ive done to myself..
I can get into specific detail and I would like to know how bad on a scale I am
(damage done wise) compared to other people.
To me I feel lucky to be alive I am living proof that the human body can tolerate the imaginable, but in reality my abuse over the years could be minute compared to others. I want to be rated..Thanks

best

Lets see... dead or alive?

Well he posted so he must be alive.

Yup

I rate you as being one of the lucky ones... Your still alive and able to seek answers.

Any other things you would like answered while your still alive to read them?

Golfman

Hey Scotty,

Welcome to reality. From my perspective, there is no grade we give ourselves as to how bad off we are. As you said, "This is a progressive disease." That means that no matter what stage you think you're at, it can always get worse. The symptoms you describe above are all symptoms of being an alcoholic. If you haven't experienced the worst of alcoholism yet, you will eventually unless you have a sincere desire to change. Just because you're not laying in the gutter somewhere doen't mean you won't be there tomorrow.

If I had to rate you, I'd say your lucky. You are relatively young, your body probably hasn't endured that much damage, if any. However, by seeking help now, this progressive disease can be arrested. The only requirements are being honest (mainly with yourself), open-minded (listening to what others on this site have to say and not dismissing by saying "That's not me") and most of all willing (having the desire, giving yourself a chance."

You wouldn't be on this site if something wasn't in the back of your mind saying "Maybe I should check this out" or 'Maybe I need some help." We're here to help you Scotty, all you have to do is participate. Together we can do what each of us could not do alone.

Welcome to the rest of your life.

Golfman

Hey best,

I'm pretty sure he's alive. For how much longer I don't know. The ball's in his court though. Let's see if he hits it back.

Regards,
Ed

scottyk

Thanks for the feedback. Funny Best--yes Im alive!!
Ive heard of a point where you "activate the disease process"..
Does anyone know when this happens or if they felt certain changes, then later on down th road realized that that time period in thier life was in fact when they really "activated the disease process"?

Golfman

Funny thing Scotty,

I've heard of that "point of no return" as well. The problems with active alcoholics is that they have no idea when that happens. They're too wrapped up in themselves and satisfying their desire to drink. If you've not already passed that line, why not try to stay as far from as you can.

On the other hand, if you really want to see where it is, keep doing what you're doing. By the time you realize it you'll be so far past it there'll be no going back.

CarolD

Welcome to our site!

It's great to see you here asking questions.
Congratulations!

have you considered seeing a doctor about your
concerns? That way you could ease your mind.

Golfman

Scotty,

I saw your response to Redfox on another thread. Sounds to me like you have a lot of knowlege about this disease. Doesn't seem to be helping you much does it. It's said that knowledge of our condition will not get us anywhere. What's in our head is rattling around with all the other s**t up there. The key is for those thoughts to make the longest journey in the world, from your head to your heart. Once it's in our hearts, it's pretty impossible to get rid of.

Astro

Hey, my twin is on SR!! My name is Scott K. too;-)

Why are you questioning how much damage could be done rather than getting some help and quitting now? There's a lot of young people in AA, and they're having fun living life sober. Why not join them before it's too late?

best

Scotty

Where you are able to even ask that question, you are not there yet.
When a person gives up "all" hope, they crossed that line. The only thing that can bring them back is finding hope again. Part of the teachings found in AA tell us to share the message with others and by doing so, we can bring hope back to those who may have given up all hope.

Your questions sound to me like you are searching for the line...
How much more can I drink before I cross? that line ____
I have found alcohol is progressive and sneaky. You wake up one day and think...when did I get this bad? It happens before you realize it.

Congraulations on your wise choices of getting away from all the other things.
Just so you know... alcohol free can work and I have found it is much better then my old ways ever were.

collinsmi

Sounds like you're putting yourself through a lot of trouble, what's the payoff?

THere are people who have drank themselves to the point where they're not cognizant of their surroundings, and sit around all day in diapers. Hope I never got too close to that "yet". You sound like a guy on a bus with no brakes, speeding towards a brick wall , and wondering when he's supposed to jump off. Believe me, I can relate. Then once I stopped drinking, I wondered why I wasted so much time on that bus.

collinsmi

No, I can't look back to any specific point in my life like that. I think the disease was always there, and the drinking part was just dormant. I'm not sure, but I suspect very strongly, that I got a little more out of a drink than the average Joe (average = nonalcoholic). Drinking itself was just a failed solution to a larger problem

came2believe

Hi Scott,
At my meeting today we discussed "bottoms." By the time I got sober, I did not lose my kids, my marriage, a job, or have a DUI. I had only had a few blackouts. Although "bottoms" are not discussed in the basic text of AA, mine is generally considered a "high bottom." And I was f*cking miserable and filled with self-loathing and panic attacks and death wishes almost every day.

What I generally hear from people who are recovered is they express the wish they had turned toward recovery back when they were at the point I was.

Funny, when I talk to people like you, I generally express the wish I had quit drinking before I had had kids and wasted 10 years of my life chipping away at the foundation of my marriage that I am now, at age 34, working on repairing.

When I was about 6 months sober, my biggest "enemy" in the world (#1 on my grudge list) made an amazing business deal worth over $5 million dollars. If I had been drinking then, I may well have ended my life over it. Now that I am sober today, I have let that go. I am not exactly friends with the person, but I wish them no harm.

I am happier than I ever was before. Haven't made any $5 million dollar deals lately but I am more successful than I have ever been and am making twice what I was before I got sober (and I was doing pretty good then!) More than that I have peace in my heart. I no longer panic. I no longer hate myself, or if I do, I get on the phone with a sober friend or go to a meeting where they put my head back on straight again. I have a life now! Before I just existed and endured.

I envy you your position. You have the opportunity to save yourself so much misery.

Tazman53

Hmmmmm let me think, maybe getting a 5 day suspension in the 7th grade for being drunk at school?

Maybe starting off getting super drunk after 6-7 beers and then being able to down a case with no problem?

Maybe trying to quit of my own will power for 10 years?

Maybe passing out in the woods for who knows how long, crawling back to my truck and taking 15 minutes just to get in it and then another 10-15 minutes to get it started and still driving home without killing myself or any one else?

Maybe driving my kids around while I was drunk? How about my grandson?

Maybe having a swollen tender liver for over 20 years and never bringing it up to the doctor because he may tell me to quit drinking?

Oh yes looking back now I can see over 35 years ago where I had a problem, I can also see 10 years ago that I had crossed the line, but by the grace of God, detox and AA I am alive and happier then I have been in over 30 years.

scottyk

Thank you all for feedback. I needed to vent tonight..
Im new here and dont plan on quitting right now (just being honest), but I hope something will click and just maybe I will learn from other peoples mistakes, cuz I dont learn from my own.
I have no kids and am not married so I guess I need to really appreciate the opportunity I have to straighten up before I run into "real" problems..

I guess the question I was asking was more directed toward drug use cuz that was my past and I wonder how much the average partier really did..It scares me to think I went through it all
Off to school to maintain my 4.0. Have a nice night

GlassPrisoner

Well, that makes it allright then .

Scotty, you mentioned that invisible line. They call it the invisible line for a reason. You don't see it when you cross it. You look back, though, and realize you crossed it long ago.

came2believe

You know, I first started drinking alone in college. I started drinking at age 10, got serious in my teens, but didn't drink alone till college.

I did maintain a 4.0 through college, though. Phi Beta Kappa, summa c*um (hahaha the censor bleeped that out! had to go back and edit) laude. All my academic success did not mean I wasn't a drunk though. A drunk who would continue to get sicker and sicker for the next eleven years.

If I am being honest with myself, I was hooked from the first time I emptied leftover glasses from one of my parents' parties. I can't recall ever drinking where my end purpose was not to get drunk. As Stephen King (also one of us btw) said, "It would never have occurred to me to drink for any other reason than to get drunk. It would have been like making out with my sister." lol

Well, my friend, it takes honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness. When you've got those, then there is a way for us to help you. Until then, I hope you do stick around... read... question... learn.

All the best

Hush007

You nailed it right there! That's me right there. Well,... I guess that's most of us.

Music

Scotty, you sound like you're still in good shape. I was as you are when I was going on 35 so you've got a few years of good drinking ahead so you can lose everything. Give it a run for the money. Maybe you'll get lucky.

Tazman53

Brains are not something that prevents or lessens alcholism. Evey drunk likes to think they are unique while they are still drinking, I carried a 4.0 in college also, it didn't stop me for screwing up my life!

I also was not unique in never having lost a job, always progressing in the work place, but I was getting very close to having that happen.

I know if anything my intelligence and knowledge probably kept me drinking way longer then I should have. I like so many drunks was smarter then alcohol!

I could stop when ever I wanted because I was educated and knowledgeable about the disease!

I was smarter then the alcoholic that could not stop drinking, I was unique!

That is what I thought until I was 30 years into my drinking career and decided it was time for me to apply my superior intellect and quit or control my drinking!

I had and by the grace of God, detox, and AA still have it all, my job, my family, my cars and truck, a boat, a house, etc.

All of my superior intellect, knowledge, and will power were not enough. I had crossed that invisible line! When I am not really sure, but all of superior intellect, knowledge, and will power were not enough, they had failed me.

I wish I had a place like this before I crossed that line, maybe, but some how I doubt it, I would have stopped drinking before I crossed that line, all the signs were there, I knew them, but my knowledge did me no good.