marius404

Don't know if I can make it with out drinking tonight. Over 40 days and right now I want to be drunk sooo bad. That voice in my head has been talking nonstop all day. I can't even sleep. My mind is going a thousand miles an hour at just the possibility of a night on the town.

Golfman

Marius,

I'm right down the road in Murfreesboro, TN. I know how you feel. Have you been to an AA meeting yet?

Lauriejess

I had that compulsion last night. Just ride it through. Don't throw away your 40 days! Call someone!!

You will wake up feeling so much better if you don't give in.

Laurie

PatUK

Do something, anything. I used to pace up and down.

Or just chat here.

marius404

Hey Golfman,

Thing is, I have serious issues with asking for help for anything from anybody...I absolutely hate admitting there is anything I can't handle.

I am thinking bout aa....its always been my last resort. I almost wish I could just go ahead and screw up my life to the point that I finally go.

tee

marius
you have just made me laugh hard check out my last post it may be you as well as me dont wait 17 months to ask just go and listen

GettinSober

I think that's the 'voice' giving you a justification to drink tonight. He's sneaky. Fight it and don't throw away your 40 days. I'm on day 2 and I can't tell you the misery of starting over again. It really isn't worth it. You'll only hate yourself when you're actually drinking anyway so you wont even enjoy it.

GlassPrisoner

I did too. AA was my last resort, the last house on the block. I had to get my a** beat real bad before I crawled in there and begged for help.

The good news it works. It really does. I'm happy for the first time in years.

Golfman

You overcame your issue of asking for help when you posted on this board. You say that you wish you could screw up to the point to where you finally go. Trouble is, we have a bad sense of when to stop. You just might go beyond where you want to go. That would be a tragedy.

nolonger

What insanity alcoholism is. The dream of going back to normal drinking, it's crazy and stupid the way it lingers. Hope you're doing OK, Marius. I've had The (f***in) Voice lurking in my head in the last few days too, though I'm over 100 days, not counting exactly. Meetings help, also going back and thinking about the chaos of drinking, of all the failed attempts before. Doing step 1 all over again, I guess, and getting beyond this part. Keep at it, you know as well as I do that it's the same grim road as before if you go back. Same for me too.

marius404

how frustraiting this is. I just want one night to go have fun like I used to. I was/am a happy drunk. ofcoarse the days after a good binge are a diff. story.

I know the trap. I know it always starts as just one night of fun. I know where the road leads.

Just seems so unfair. All the people out having a few drinks tonight having a blast and why can't i be one of em? why am i different? How come if I do this than I know I will love myself tonight and hate myself for the next few days.

I wish i had a magic little pill to knock me out for about 12 hours to get past this feeling that i MUST drink tonight.

Sorry for taking up space in the forums with this crap.I just had to "say it" to someone besides myself.

wozzek

You never know how many among those "having a blast tonight" are having serious drinking problems, how many are going to have a fight, break up, e an accident tonight, how many would hate themselves tomorrow, how many will lurk here wishing they did not have those "few drinks", how many would spend Sunday in bed with a hangover.

You do not have to be one of them. It is alcohol talking, of course. You know that. The question is, why would you succumb to this devilish lure? It just makes no sense, to "hate yourself for the next few days".

Good luck.

CarolD

Choosing to not drink tonight
will make you feel super tomorrow.

Choosing to drink will make you
feel like a miserable failure.

Gee! that is real simple I think!

GettinSober

That question was incredibley powerful for me.

How did you do Marius? I'm hoping that you managed to fight of the urge.

Cathy31

Hi Carol
Good point...but for me this is the power and cunning of alcoholism...sure, I knew that for YEARS the 'simple' formula you mention above...but I had a mental obsession that convinced me time and time again that THIS TIME IT WILL BE DIFFERENT...it never was. Through the program of AA and God's Grace (which i had to pray to WANT!) this mental obsession was removed and I now can truly believe and know that to drink is to die. But it's not simple and it's not straightforward and when you're in the grips of this powerful mental obsession it's really impossible NOT to pick up! thank God for AA and His Grace that I and so many of us have a daily reprieve.
Cathy31
x

marius404

So.....i got fkd up last night.....i fkd up last night. I know im wrong for it. I know this hangover i have right now is not the way i want to feel......................


I know i was kickin some serious butt in darts last night and got a cute girls #.....of corse if she new all the problems i have in my life she would avoid me like the plague.

please don't just dismiss me as another failure, im going to try to get sober again.I have not got to the depressed about drinking stage yet...im drinking a beer right now. I know its coming though. Some times i just wish it would all end. I never asked to be born an alcoholic. I never asked to be born.

losteverything

i sit here, 5 am.....not drunk, but not sleeping either.....wondering, when will it get better? i dont have any answers, sincerely.......i know i want all the bull crap to end, i know i have to accept who i am, and that means accepting that i am powerless....i just think i can take that one...just to calm down, that i can take a few more, and it wont hurt, cause i am in control...and then i lose control.....and then at 4 am...i realize, i am so not in control....and i am serioulsy, life afflicting, job altering, lose my family and everything i ever cared for, not in control........i am not normal....i cant just not do without...i am not changing yet, but i realize i have to.....i am no longer in control, i am eing controlled.....and the thought of actually gaining control, and being in control, without my crutches.........i dont know if i can, but i want to.......i really really do...and so i will continue with the meetings.......and as long as i want to keep up with that shy, desperate voice, saying to me that the meetings are what you want, and you can put off that msssed up feeling for an hour, i am going to keep doing it, til the demon insdie, that friggin *******, and i so much hate him, finallly quiets down, i am going to keep trying to quit this bitch i am on......and trying is all we can do...if we dont try, if we dont keep hating ourselves so much that we figure out that we dont need to, thats when they might as well put the first shovel full of dirt on us, causse we are dead..

collinsmi

THat's a trick, remembering the morning after. God, I used to hate them!!!

marius404

i was violating my standards faster than i could lower them.......god i love that quote, lol

collinsmi

I Think Robin Williams said it on Letterman a month or so ago. Heard it second hand. But I did live it.....