Nuudawn

Do you think that most active and still struggling newly sober alcoholics figure life is supposed to be glorious and full of warm, fuzzy good feelings all the time? I suspect I did. My continuous reach for the bottle was a perpetual defiance of real life. The bottle represented another world of magic and mystery where everything should simply be sunshine and roses...laughter, good times and pleasant interaction with others. Remember that old commercial? "Calgon take me away!". That's how I felt about booze I suppose...but I was a glutton for good times...a glutton for my alternate reality. Slowly but surely...the magic was fading and real life was seeping on in anyways. The scarier realization was I didn't know how to emotionally deal with anything anymore...drunk or sober. I didn't know who I was. I felt like I had become the enemy to both myself and everyone around me. I was desperately lonely and feared I could never "connect" with anyone, ever again. I was going through all the motions of reality but nothing was real anymore. I was an imposter and my mask was starting to feel more and more transparent. I felt like everybody was starting to see inside to the ugliness I thought I had so cleverly disguised.

Now in baby sobriety, clarity and realizations come fast and hard. They make my head spin. Sometimes I want to shut my noisy brain up...I crave the numbness of alcohol...the mind zapper. Sometimes like all the things I should have realized long ago are coming at me fast and furious. Information overload. The learning curve is constant. It's exhausting.

But there is a promise land isn't there? I will come through this if I stick with it...to serenity and peace. I will come thru as an adult with the ability to handle life.

But it's hard damn work isn't it? That hit me like a ton of bricks this week. This takes work and courage and faith and support from those who've been there and come through.

Poof goes my pink cloud.

Bring it on.

OnceNice

Alcohol for me, just keeps me from thinking period. Good or bad. I just don't want to deal. With reality. Whether its doing the laundry, going to the store, getting gas, talking on the phone or reading a good book. I just want to sit and be a zombie. And then I hate myself for it. Vicious circle.

Nuudawn

Rose...I'm going out for sushi tomorrow night (and green tea!) with a new gal pal from AA. Life can start again...it can start fresh.
I was that zombie on my couch...puttering around my house half zonked just a little over a month ago.

Astro

Yes Nuudawn, it's very hard work and for me it only seems to get harder the longer I'm sober. Those pink clouds come and go, and I have to attend more AA meetings and work harder at my sobriety as time goes on.

But I have to say, it's sooooooooo worth it to be clean and sober. While it's difficult to deal with feelings and wade through my emotions to get to the other side, it's great to actually be able to feel those things again after 27 years of drinking.

I have a life in sobriety that's second to none, and I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Nuudawn

Astro...what I have found is that I have to "surrender" over and over and over again. I guess I thought once I surrendered the first time and went to AA, everything would magically fall into place with ease. I've had a tough, tough time this week with my emotions ...but eventually, the struggle has educated me and I re-adjust. I surrender again and realize it's my egoic mind trying to impose old ways...rather than forge a new path. Reaching out to people has been my lesson this week. I can't JUST go to meetings and expect change. I have to re-activate many centres of my life. Change the old ways of doing and thinking about things.

And by surrender over and over...I mean surrender my need to control or impose my will.

GettinSober

It's tough.

I found it was the same when I gave up smoking. I haven't had a cigarette since April 8th 2002 and I NEVER crave one anymore. I'm hoping that one day I'll feel the same about alcohol. If I don't then I'll have to find a different way of staying healthy but until I find out one way or another I'm gonna tough out the bad days and enjoy the good ones.

Broccoli

I am only on Day 12, but I think I had a glimmer of the 'pink cloud' you refer to today. I suddenly felt new and lucid and like everything was going to be OK. That feeling has gone now and I am at home alone on a Friday night but, however fleeting, I enjoyed it so much that it strengthened my resolve to stay off the booze. I am beginning to really understand that the hard yards are worth it.

Hanging in with you, my friend. XXX

Astro

I don't think that's unusual Nuudawn. Seems like I'm always having to surrender my will over and over, some days more than others. But nowadays I really like turning my will over and surrendering, enjoying the ride rather than trying to drive.

Broccoli, you hang in there too. It took me a long time to feel comfortable in my own skin, but now that I do I really cherish those nights when I'm home alone, snuggled up in a warm bed while reading a good book. It's so nice to fall asleep knowing that I won't wake up hungover, or knowing that at least I'll wake up to see another day.

GlassPrisoner

I remember about 30 days in this happening to me. I know the Big Book says "more will be revealed", but I said to my sponsor once "This is getting ridiculous , make it STOP !!!!" Yeah, clarity, realizations, etc etc. Good and bad. It's almost overwhelming.

I'm only 80 days in now, but I still keep getting moments of clarity. My 5th step revealed A Lot ! Again, some good, some bad (but helpful).

My sponsor says it never really quits happening.......Which to me is rather exciting, if not a little scary.

And as others pointed out, the pink cloud comes and goes. But the serenity is here the majority of the time.

Edit: I Thank God for comfort ! I remember when the bed was a place of torture.....

CarolD

You newly sober friends are refreshing my gratitude
for sobriety..Thank You!

stone

Hi, could you explain what you mean by surrender a bit more please?

Nuudawn

Are you making fun of me Stonerat?

leviathon

Good relaity check. I think many feel if they just stop drinking everything gets better... well physically you do get better but the emotional and personal problems are there and you have to learn to deal with them sober in a healthy and rational fashion. So yes, it takes work.

Peace, levi

GlassPrisoner

Exactly, Levi.