aasharon90

Can I predict a relapse is approaching? I
think so. No, I know so. After you've had
some yrs. sober under ur belt, you can
pretty much pin point what will happen
if you let ur guard down.

U first start thinking....bad move..! Thinking
about the holidays, the crowds, the anxiety
sets in. Ur depressed. You see everyone
else around you in a glad happy festive
mood and all you want to do is escape.

Why can't i enjoy what everyone else seems
to be enjoying. Why do I have these thoughts
rolling around in my head? What's wrong with me?

Then you think of an escape plan. What can
I do to ease the pain im feeling inside. Sure
i know where the alcohol is at the store....
I know exactly what it will taste like if
i drink it. Bring it home, get it cold. Pour
a Tall glass of deep dark red wine. Take
a sip and savor the flavor....mmmm....

WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING. My gosh
what have I done....ok, lets drink more to
numb the fact i just slipped. If im gonna
do it lets do it good.

Now im so many sheets in the wind....gonna
sleep it off till whenever...wake up....DAMN
I feel horrible. And you know what? All
then freakin people having fun are still
around. the traffic still sucks. I just want to die.

What do u do if something like this happens
to u? Me?

GO SHOPPING..! Right.! WRONG...Well we do
need groceries....Ive had time to think things
out here while i was writing this.....how stupid
would it be of me to actually go out and drink?

Would it solve my problems im facing today?
NOPE. So i came here to share with you whats
going on with me right now. I have written out
for u to see.....time has passed...i still have
time to drink u know....so what next.....?

Is there a meeting u can go to? Not that i know
of right now. Is there someone u can call? No
one that i know of right now. Get on ur knees
and pray? Good point....Say ur Serenity Prayer
over and over and over again till u feel a sense
of peace within.

Come here and write, post, share..anything that
you can use that this program has taught u and me
to keep us from making that dreadful mistake we will
regret later.

Hi im Sharon and Im an Alcoholic.

By the grace of my HP and people
like u here in SR i havent had a drink
of alcohol since 8-11-90. For that
and u im truely grateful.


Thanks for letting me share.

Tazman53

Good stuff Sharon.... thanks for sharing!

psd4237

Thanks Sharon,

I definitely can relate to what you wrote. It's good to know that others with years of sober time still think about such things and I'm not the only one. (Sometimes I wonder.) Even after many years of sobriety (nine years, two months, and three days, to be exact), I still guard against those feelings. Some people even say I'm hypervigilant. So when I go to meetings and hear newcomers talk with such confidence that they will never, ever relapse, it always raises a huge red flag in my head. A sort of, don't get to cocky . . . or it might come back to bite you in the butt.

Peggy

Tazman53

psd that is my biggest fear is getting cocky, any time any one wants to get my attention, talk about relapsing! I am all ears because I am scared to death of getting cocky and throwing what I have away and starting over again. I heard a guy Monday night share that after 9 years he went back out and it took him 6 years to come back in, he now is on his 7th year again.

psd4237

Wow! I guess we'll ours a healthy fear, then? Stories like this are enough to scare the hubris out of any longtimer. Again, glad to not be the only one.

Peggy

aasharon90

Good stuff people....I think more than ever i
need to hear this stuff now. Anytime really.
We do get in spots some good some not....
and it's just a matter of using the tools
and knowledge of what was taught to us
towards ourselves and our situations.

For me, im struggling with selfish issues
maybe. Im unhappy here in houston still
after 10 yrs. my little part time job at
the grocery store for the past 5 yrs.
is useless....well....not rewarding enough.

I hate my freaking neighbors....and if i
could use the F word often about them
here i would...lol Honest....they have
been a thorn in my side since we moved
here. I call the woman the B**** from hell.

She definitely ruffles my feathers and know
what buttons to push to get me fired up.

I thanked her politely last week for watering
my lawn and driveway..which i hate she does
more than u know....hey its her water bill....
but i guess it doesnt bother her....and yet it
pisses me off enough to want to drink. : (

Then a few moments ago i check the side
of my house and she's got her hose draped
in my yards....WOMEN this is not ur yard, keep
ur crap off my side... lol guess how it made me
feel.... PISSED me off....enough to want to
have more to drink.... : (

DAM WOMAN...ok let me explain....im not
pregedis if i spelled it right....anyway...
these people r Hispanic....i get along fine
with them at work and have lots of good
customers of all race.

But for some reason this one next to me
is unbelievable,,,,she hates me and i havent
done a thing to her. She expects me to allow
her to destroy my yard at her expense.....

anyway..im tired of it....

and my husband is no help at all in this
matter. Everytime something happens
with the neighbor and i tell him about it
he gets mad at me and takes her side.....

Do u know how that makes me feel? Like
somone has stabbed me in the back. Like
someone has pullled the rug from under me.

Its enough to make me want to drink....

See the pattern? Resentments and hatred
kill. Destroys ur inner peace.

I want to go back home to Baton Rouge
for good. We r planning to go for a visit
in about a week and im trying hard to
find ways to help me stay there for good.

I have nothing here in Houston that makes
me happy. My kids r in college and doing
well....my husband is content with his
job and doing well.

Me i have no purpose. No house i enjoy
living in ...i miss cooking, baking for others....

Others meaning people back home in AA.

I miss decorating because i hate this house.

Where's the freaking gratitude? Where's
being grateful i have roof over my head?
Food on the table? My health?

Its not regerstering at the moment because
im allowing my selfishness and resentments
destroy those wonderful feelings i should
be experiencing.

Anyway....No im not gonna drink. What's
the point right?

Am i a scrooge? ....and yet i just want to
meet all of u guys and laugh and have
a happy sober joyful good time...

With people that understand me and i them.

Thanks u guys for being here for me.

NoelleR

Well ---- hmmmm

Not knowing just how to start this, guess I'll just jump right in....When I first started on the road to recovery, my sponsor told me that 'slips/relapses' did not have to be a part of recovery....I liked that thought...and I'm a firm believer that: actions follow thoughts; as a man thinketh; the mind/thought principle: thoughts held in mind produce after their kind ---- in other words, in all these I'm saying, if I focus on/think on.....etc. slips/relapses, I'm probably thinking my way right toward one....

Yeah, I'm one of those folks who, from day one said, "I'll never relapse," and this statement was not one coming from cockiness, but just stating facts as I believed them to be.....I'm also one of those folks who, also, from day one said, "I'll never drink/drug again," also not coming from cockiness.....

....and to these statements folks have usually responded with: "...ah, she's just a relapse waiting to happen." Well, 20+ years later, I guess I'm still waiting---NO, change that to they're still waiting for me to relapse....relapse is still not in my vocabulary (and incidentally, all those folks DID relapse, and unfortunately, many of them did not make it back, and they died 'out there.')

Ya know, folks usually say that this is a simple program, but it's not easy....well I find it's as easy as I make it.....or as difficult....and preferably, I prefer easy....tyvm .... (o:

I hope this has helped someone, or maybe not, but it's helped me. I tend to feel that words/ideas like 'slip' relapse' 'going back out' ---- are negative things to think about, and I prefer to keep my thinking on the positive.....whoops, I'm also one of those who didn't, and still doesn't put down my thinking; yes, my thinking got me here, but for me, here is reciovery..... wooooohooooo

Keep on keepin' on Y'all


NoelleR
DOS: 6/23/86

aasharon90

Well hello Noelle. : ) Another Texan right here amongst us...
YEEHA..! Glad you are here and thanks for sharing with me
and the many newcomers your own experiences,
strengths and hopes. It is much appreciated. : )

barb dwyer

Sharon - I read a book about this - called 'Living Sober' it has like ... well ... a lot of warning signs, I found it very informative. Dunno the author off the top of my head, though.

scootinbabe

hey barb! i read that book too---several times. it's a good one.

Noelle--hi! you said "When I first started on the road to recovery, my sponsor told me that 'slips/relapses' did not have to be a part of recovery." Well today of all days i was talking to my sponsor who put it more dramatically as "slips/relapses" are NOT part of recovery" after i referred to some of my buddies who have slipped in early sobriety. personally, i prefer that view too.

i'm with you--i think like a "first-nighter." going out is not an option that i ever wish to consider. i think i tried to quit enough times before actually reaching out to others for help to give me my maximum number of mis-tries before i began any program. now, i don't want to risk it. go to any length--as they say.

ironically, my sponsor also said today "this is a simple program, but it's not easy." must be that stage of the moon or something ;-)

it IS simple and straightforward. for me, my biggest hurdle is with the necessary discipline. i struggle with prioritizing sobriety as something for which i need to set aside time each day. gotta work it...just like a muscle.

that big book has some great paragraphs of wisdom--even if you are someone who doesn't wish to be in aa.

Hope

I know my experiences may differ from some but I know when I relapsed, I found that I had had symptoms of RID... I was restless, irritable, and discontent. I also found myself in a danger zone when I started to forget where I came from. I hope to never forget the pain of my last binge because I sure don't wish to go repeat it.

In the rooms, the old-timers to show me where I want to go and then newcomers show me that nothing has changed out there.

(I am still a newcomer and I can tell you all that nothing has changed at all out there!) lol

Tazman53

Sharon you sound pretty feed up with where you are living at and the situation overall, perhaps getting involved more in AA and service work in your community will help you deal with your neighbor a bit easier. It is darn hard for the neighbor to annoy you when you are not home! LOL

Noell the cockiness I fear is that if I start getting into my head and let my disease convince me that "I must not be an alcoholic, I have not had a drink in (Name the amount of time) and I could care less if I had one or not right now." Trust me, I will not relapse, because I am ever vigilant, I remind myself I am an alcoholic and as I result I should not drink.

Notice I did not say I can't drink! LOL Oh yes I can if I chose to drink, I had it down to a fine science when I drank and I know that if I started drinking again my great chemical science project would result in my death at a minimum.

I pay attention to anyone who is sharing about a relapse, I am not going to walk that path again and as long as I am vigalante and follow directions I won't.

Thank you all for sharing.

psd4237

Hey all,

I can certainly understand where everyone is coming from. Different people have different experiences--and that's great as long as it helps them to stay clean and sober. I know in my case I practice what I can only call "hypervigilance." I listen very very carefully to stories of people who have relapsed after an extended period of sobriety. I want to know what happened. Did some sort of tragic event befall the person that led him back to the bottle? Did the person just stop working his program? Could this happen to me? I am certainly not planning on pcking up a drink after more than nine years, but as for saying "I'll never drink again," I just can't say that.

Peggy

aasharon90

There are no gurantees in life. Anything can happen
at any time to anyone.

Good sharing up above from everyone. Much appreciated.

I dont have that THANK YOU BUTTON to thank
everyone personally....but just know i do THANK
YOU for ur posts and share.

Keep sharing ur own ESH with me and the many
people present here in SR. We need YOU..!

I NEED YOU..!

psd4237

Thanks Sharon, and everone else. Posting here and reading everyone else's postings over the last month has been an amazing experience. Wish I'd had SR nine years ago!

Peggy

GlassPrisoner

I know a lot of my triggers, yes. Yesterday I rec'd an E-mail that reminded me of a long lost (dead) girlfriend. I said the serenity prayer, stayed busy, and doubled up on meetings.

The melancholy has passed.

aasharon90

Thanks Peggy and Glass for ur shares.
Much appreciated.

I didnt find SR till almost a yr ago this month as a
matter of fact. I did however have another AA online
connection or what i called my LIFELINE TO AA.

I didnt have a computer back when when i got
sober back in Aug. 90.

What i did do was just like all the "oldtimers"
did....go to meetings and share ur own ESH
with others. Helping others gets urself out
of urself....helps u to not focus on u and put
the focus on someone or something else
in order not to drink that day or that moment.

I dont look at the yrs i have sober...I feel like
im right where u guys r and the newer members.

I have to stay grounded with my recovery
by staying in today or else i will get too
full of myself...And if that happens then i
may think i know all there is to know about
AA and get complacant and that may
lead to a drink in one hand or a foot
in the grave. Possibly in the looney bin.

Been there as a matter of fact...

That was my first night i spent after
my family did an intervention on me
when i tried to end my miserable life.

They thought i was crazy to try do
hurt myself....when they evaluated me
the next day ..i wasnt crazy...i just couldnt
drink sucessfully without getting into
trouble..accidents...and so on.

Anyway...one day sober , then another....then
another...ODAAT....one day at a time
equals good quality recovery and not so much
the quantity of it...right?