Spouse question...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Arizona
Posts: 872
Spouse question...
I have to say, I love AA and try to "practice these principles in all my affairs..."
That being said, I am married to a non-alcoholic spouse who has no interest in going to Al-Anon, learning about my alcoholism, etc. I have spoken to close friends in the program who have said that sometimes it is a struggle when one person in a marriage grows spiritually and the other doesn't. That sounds great, but I kind of get frustrated and wonder what else I could be doing. I am coming up on 10 months sober, so I am by no means an old-timer...
I try to keep my side of the street clean, apologize when necessary (ideally try to not do things which require an apology!), but do not put up with being a doormat. Those days of guilt and remorse are over. I basically receive no support -- which is kind of OK, because I have learned through AA that I must accept the things I cannot change -- other people, places and things...
Just curious if others have faced this type of challenge, and if you would share your experience, strength and hope....
Thanks,
Ken
That being said, I am married to a non-alcoholic spouse who has no interest in going to Al-Anon, learning about my alcoholism, etc. I have spoken to close friends in the program who have said that sometimes it is a struggle when one person in a marriage grows spiritually and the other doesn't. That sounds great, but I kind of get frustrated and wonder what else I could be doing. I am coming up on 10 months sober, so I am by no means an old-timer...
I try to keep my side of the street clean, apologize when necessary (ideally try to not do things which require an apology!), but do not put up with being a doormat. Those days of guilt and remorse are over. I basically receive no support -- which is kind of OK, because I have learned through AA that I must accept the things I cannot change -- other people, places and things...
Just curious if others have faced this type of challenge, and if you would share your experience, strength and hope....
Thanks,
Ken
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Zion, Illinois
Posts: 3,411
Ken,
Your spouse may be supporting you the only way she's comfortable with for right now. 10 months is great but not really a long time. Some people just don't want to invest too much of themselves in something they're not quite sure will work. Try bringing home some literature from a meeting. AA, Al-anon, it doesn't matter and just leave it lying around. She may get curious and read a little...who knows? Maybe she's heard things about standing up in front of people and talking and that scares her. Other than that, there's not much any of us can do. She's right in a sense. The drinking is your problem and you're her problem. If she sees you getting better, she may feel there's nothing more she can do. In time, it may be that you can ask her to an open speaker meeting or on an outing with some AA friends. I've learned that people who don't drink have their own program. It just doesn't happen to have 12 steps. They do just fine. Just be grateful you have the freedom to go to meetings and do what you have to do. Some don't get any support at all and have to fight just for an hour a week to go to a meeting. That's tough!
Take care and don't drink.
Your spouse may be supporting you the only way she's comfortable with for right now. 10 months is great but not really a long time. Some people just don't want to invest too much of themselves in something they're not quite sure will work. Try bringing home some literature from a meeting. AA, Al-anon, it doesn't matter and just leave it lying around. She may get curious and read a little...who knows? Maybe she's heard things about standing up in front of people and talking and that scares her. Other than that, there's not much any of us can do. She's right in a sense. The drinking is your problem and you're her problem. If she sees you getting better, she may feel there's nothing more she can do. In time, it may be that you can ask her to an open speaker meeting or on an outing with some AA friends. I've learned that people who don't drink have their own program. It just doesn't happen to have 12 steps. They do just fine. Just be grateful you have the freedom to go to meetings and do what you have to do. Some don't get any support at all and have to fight just for an hour a week to go to a meeting. That's tough!
Take care and don't drink.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: London
Posts: 501
Its amazing how well "normal" people cope Ken.
My girlfriend is in the programme, and I am not. Recovery is not really an area we talk about. We just try getting on with having a nice time together. I guess, to coin a phrase, we keep it simple and remember that recovery gives us life so there is no point in it becoming a "theraputic" exercise.
My girlfriend is in the programme, and I am not. Recovery is not really an area we talk about. We just try getting on with having a nice time together. I guess, to coin a phrase, we keep it simple and remember that recovery gives us life so there is no point in it becoming a "theraputic" exercise.
1000 Post Club
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Recoveryville, USA
Posts: 1,297
Hi Ken,
I certainly undertstand what your feelings, kinda in the reverse tho.
Im al-anon for a lotta years and I absolutely agree all family members needs recovery.
I grew spiritually while he refused to address his alcoholism. It felt like I was becoming a skyscraper while he was still a first floor sub let.
He got sober few times, and we talked recovery alot. Was good stuff. Didnt last. Finally, when I grew right into wanting a divorce, he got sober, was just too late for me tho.
We stayed friends, good friends during his wonderful sobriety, then I got sick and relapsed my way right out of al-anon (new boyfriend) and went right down into the depths of despair from where I came. He stayed sober. He was now the skyscraper,gowing beautifully into what HP has intended for him.
2 long, painful years later, I got "sober" again, returned to al-anon, just as he was begninning his own U-turn into those depths of insanity I was clawing my way out of. He stopped meetings, sponsor, service ever so slowly, and now, 2 years later, is living the low life of a dry drunk of which my son and I have had to let go of.
Yes, it is my opinion that those family members who do have that family disease of alcoholism and who do not chose recovery are chosing an unhealthy path. Just like we could not get you sober, tho, you cannot get her "sober" and into the 12 steps. You can just keep living the right life as you are and ask God to care for you both while doing so....We, just like you, who have been affected by alcoholism are spiritually ill. Thank God for my recovery...ps.my 13 yr old boy is also a 12 stepper in Alateen.
I certainly undertstand what your feelings, kinda in the reverse tho.
Im al-anon for a lotta years and I absolutely agree all family members needs recovery.
I grew spiritually while he refused to address his alcoholism. It felt like I was becoming a skyscraper while he was still a first floor sub let.
He got sober few times, and we talked recovery alot. Was good stuff. Didnt last. Finally, when I grew right into wanting a divorce, he got sober, was just too late for me tho.
We stayed friends, good friends during his wonderful sobriety, then I got sick and relapsed my way right out of al-anon (new boyfriend) and went right down into the depths of despair from where I came. He stayed sober. He was now the skyscraper,gowing beautifully into what HP has intended for him.
2 long, painful years later, I got "sober" again, returned to al-anon, just as he was begninning his own U-turn into those depths of insanity I was clawing my way out of. He stopped meetings, sponsor, service ever so slowly, and now, 2 years later, is living the low life of a dry drunk of which my son and I have had to let go of.
Yes, it is my opinion that those family members who do have that family disease of alcoholism and who do not chose recovery are chosing an unhealthy path. Just like we could not get you sober, tho, you cannot get her "sober" and into the 12 steps. You can just keep living the right life as you are and ask God to care for you both while doing so....We, just like you, who have been affected by alcoholism are spiritually ill. Thank God for my recovery...ps.my 13 yr old boy is also a 12 stepper in Alateen.
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Keep doing what is right.
My amends to her are a life long proccess. If she never changes, I still need to keep doing what is right any way.
Be careful about the doormate issues. getting into that thought area can bring back a selfish side again. Balance and understanding in all things.
By my actions, I may show her what is good and right. With my love and joy, she may see the light. By example I will lead. If she wants to follow, I am already doing the leading.
For me... just keep doing what is good and right, is what I have found to be the best for "me". She benifits from it no matter what she does. I benifit from it because of my own choices of what is best for me.
My amends to her are a life long proccess. If she never changes, I still need to keep doing what is right any way.
Be careful about the doormate issues. getting into that thought area can bring back a selfish side again. Balance and understanding in all things.
By my actions, I may show her what is good and right. With my love and joy, she may see the light. By example I will lead. If she wants to follow, I am already doing the leading.
For me... just keep doing what is good and right, is what I have found to be the best for "me". She benifits from it no matter what she does. I benifit from it because of my own choices of what is best for me.
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