In emotional pain
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 2,583
In emotional pain
Hello lovely fellows,
I am lying in bed and just want to write this out somewhere. See if anyone can share some ESH with me. My mum had breast cancer 13 years ago. 13 years ago I was in the madness and not the daughter I feel I should have been to my lovely mum. Now, 13 years later it looks as though cancer has returned. I am 2 years sober and I am so grateful that I am and am no longer a cause of worry to her and that whatever she may be facing I can be there for her 100%.
However, without my old anasethitc I am in alot of emotional pain and anxiety. A full body scan indicated abnormal cells somewhere in the chest area and she is going for a biopsy tomorrow morning. I am just fearing the worst and I don't know how to process this. I am doing all the right things, praying to my HP, sharing it, speaking to my sponsor, speaking to other fellows, trying to get our of self by helping others, doing fear inventory, trying to keep things in the day and not project but today I have just felt so low. I've done 2 meetings today and am probably going to log onto the 24/7 one in a bit too. I am just feeling, well I don't even know what the hell I am feeling. All I know is that I am terrified of losing my mum. My old mate guilt is starting to creep in too. And good old morbid reflection... all the frigging years I wasted with her drinking myself into oblivion. I do not want to drink today, I have zero desire to take a drink but I don't want to feel this way.
I have an 8 year old daughter and I couldn't be there properly for her today either. I have hardly left my bed and bless her she has entertained herself pretty much with me doing the basics like getting her food and bathing her. That in itself reminded me of the old days where I was so hungover and couldn't get out of bed all day and left her to to her own devices so am feeling guilty about that as well.
😢😢😢
I am lying in bed and just want to write this out somewhere. See if anyone can share some ESH with me. My mum had breast cancer 13 years ago. 13 years ago I was in the madness and not the daughter I feel I should have been to my lovely mum. Now, 13 years later it looks as though cancer has returned. I am 2 years sober and I am so grateful that I am and am no longer a cause of worry to her and that whatever she may be facing I can be there for her 100%.
However, without my old anasethitc I am in alot of emotional pain and anxiety. A full body scan indicated abnormal cells somewhere in the chest area and she is going for a biopsy tomorrow morning. I am just fearing the worst and I don't know how to process this. I am doing all the right things, praying to my HP, sharing it, speaking to my sponsor, speaking to other fellows, trying to get our of self by helping others, doing fear inventory, trying to keep things in the day and not project but today I have just felt so low. I've done 2 meetings today and am probably going to log onto the 24/7 one in a bit too. I am just feeling, well I don't even know what the hell I am feeling. All I know is that I am terrified of losing my mum. My old mate guilt is starting to creep in too. And good old morbid reflection... all the frigging years I wasted with her drinking myself into oblivion. I do not want to drink today, I have zero desire to take a drink but I don't want to feel this way.
I have an 8 year old daughter and I couldn't be there properly for her today either. I have hardly left my bed and bless her she has entertained herself pretty much with me doing the basics like getting her food and bathing her. That in itself reminded me of the old days where I was so hungover and couldn't get out of bed all day and left her to to her own devices so am feeling guilty about that as well.
😢😢😢
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
Hey Snitch
fear can still paralyse me too.
There wouldn't be many of us who wouldn't feel a little fear in your shoes -especially if you're like me and you don't like not being in charge of the outcome, or feeling in control.
There are many possible outcomes for tomorrow.
I'm hoping for the best possible one for your mum and for you - but even if its not I know you'll rise to the challenge no matter what.
You haven't been in recovery 2 years for nothing.
You've achieved so much and grown exponentially.
You're not the snitch of last time. You're new improved snitch.
Its ok to feel fear - absolutely - but IMO its not good to let it take you down.
My sense of duty and my love and concern for others gets me through a lot of things.
As tough as this is on you it's got to be as tough or tougher on your daughter and your mum.
Tell that fear to cram it, and be there for them
D
fear can still paralyse me too.
There wouldn't be many of us who wouldn't feel a little fear in your shoes -especially if you're like me and you don't like not being in charge of the outcome, or feeling in control.
There are many possible outcomes for tomorrow.
I'm hoping for the best possible one for your mum and for you - but even if its not I know you'll rise to the challenge no matter what.
You haven't been in recovery 2 years for nothing.
You've achieved so much and grown exponentially.
You're not the snitch of last time. You're new improved snitch.
Its ok to feel fear - absolutely - but IMO its not good to let it take you down.
My sense of duty and my love and concern for others gets me through a lot of things.
As tough as this is on you it's got to be as tough or tougher on your daughter and your mum.
Tell that fear to cram it, and be there for them
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 2,583
Dee. You made me tear up. Thank you for your words. I guess I am just not used to feeling stuff and this hurts. I will be ok. I just called my mum to wish her luck for tomorrow and to tell her I love her.
I am so grateful for my recovery fellows.
I am so grateful for my recovery fellows.
It`s ok to stay sober
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Central NC
Posts: 20,902
Snitch,in 1979 my Mom died of cancer. She had it 2 years. I was insanely drunk almost the whole time. I was not a good son to be there for her when she needed me.I used her and everyone else for a drink or drug.
in 1988 I got sober in AA,the hardest thing in sobriety was memories I had of her before she died. Certain things almost got me drunk. The shame and guilt almost drove me mad.Early in sobriety someone suggested I write her a heartfelt letter.I did and went to her grave and prayed and read it..did it help?Not much.I kept doing it,and about 25 letters later and 3 years later I finally was able to find some sort of peace with it.why I write this?Because you still have a chance to avoid my misery.
you`re sober.You can be the daughter she wants and I am sure she loves.Stay sober and be of service to her just because you can, no matter what.best wishes to you and her Snitch
in 1988 I got sober in AA,the hardest thing in sobriety was memories I had of her before she died. Certain things almost got me drunk. The shame and guilt almost drove me mad.Early in sobriety someone suggested I write her a heartfelt letter.I did and went to her grave and prayed and read it..did it help?Not much.I kept doing it,and about 25 letters later and 3 years later I finally was able to find some sort of peace with it.why I write this?Because you still have a chance to avoid my misery.
you`re sober.You can be the daughter she wants and I am sure she loves.Stay sober and be of service to her just because you can, no matter what.best wishes to you and her Snitch
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
hi snitch,
you ARE doing all the right things, and those things will help. that doesn’t mean it won’t hurt and you won’t be afraid....doing all those right and helpful things will aid in keeping the focus on here and now, instead of going into unknown future or spending a bunch of time revisiting the past.
you are here, you are sober, you are present and available and loving. and afraid. it’s okay, you can be all those things at once and know you are real, and right now it sucks.
and you are miracle miles away from where you would have been a couple of years ago with all this.
you ARE doing all the right things, and those things will help. that doesn’t mean it won’t hurt and you won’t be afraid....doing all those right and helpful things will aid in keeping the focus on here and now, instead of going into unknown future or spending a bunch of time revisiting the past.
you are here, you are sober, you are present and available and loving. and afraid. it’s okay, you can be all those things at once and know you are real, and right now it sucks.
and you are miracle miles away from where you would have been a couple of years ago with all this.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
What seems like pain is sometimes growth. Parallel to our journey in sobriety is our journey in life. Bad stuff comes the way of every one, sooner or later. The question is "how will we react". The AA program in one place describes spiritual experience as a "profound change in our reaction to life", such a change being brought about by the steps.
When I lost my father I was very upset. Grief is a natural process that seems to have a mind of its own. It also may me aware of my own mortality, and the shifting sands of dependence. Within my life I had certain rocks I could depend on, my father, wife, sponsor and best friend. I could always turn to them, that is until they all died. Along with that I had children, employees, sponsees and others who had over time begun to look on me as their rock. That was a daunting responsibility, but one that the steps had prepared me for. I had been equipped with a new Power upon which I have been able to draw no matter what life throws my way.
One thing I did, on the suggestion of my sponsor was to write to my dad (several years before he got ill) just to let him know that I loved him and regretted all the harm I had caused him. I had to write because our family doesn't do emotion at that level. British, stiff upper lip you see. I got a letter back which I still have and treasure very much. We never ever spoke of those letters, but when he passed it was such a lovely thing to know that there was nothing left unsaid between us. It helped a lot. I am very grateful for my sponsor's suggestion.
Life just keeps throwing curve balls. Each time I have reacted much like a normal human being rather than an alcoholic. When my wife was diagnosed, it never occurred to me to drink. Instead I did the things that needed to be done to take care of the family and the business. I also took care of my spiritual life by sponsoring one or two others, and rarely missed my weekly home group meeting, and the book I later discovered, told me that was exactly what I needed to be doing to survive the "certain" low spots ahead.
When I lost my father I was very upset. Grief is a natural process that seems to have a mind of its own. It also may me aware of my own mortality, and the shifting sands of dependence. Within my life I had certain rocks I could depend on, my father, wife, sponsor and best friend. I could always turn to them, that is until they all died. Along with that I had children, employees, sponsees and others who had over time begun to look on me as their rock. That was a daunting responsibility, but one that the steps had prepared me for. I had been equipped with a new Power upon which I have been able to draw no matter what life throws my way.
One thing I did, on the suggestion of my sponsor was to write to my dad (several years before he got ill) just to let him know that I loved him and regretted all the harm I had caused him. I had to write because our family doesn't do emotion at that level. British, stiff upper lip you see. I got a letter back which I still have and treasure very much. We never ever spoke of those letters, but when he passed it was such a lovely thing to know that there was nothing left unsaid between us. It helped a lot. I am very grateful for my sponsor's suggestion.
Life just keeps throwing curve balls. Each time I have reacted much like a normal human being rather than an alcoholic. When my wife was diagnosed, it never occurred to me to drink. Instead I did the things that needed to be done to take care of the family and the business. I also took care of my spiritual life by sponsoring one or two others, and rarely missed my weekly home group meeting, and the book I later discovered, told me that was exactly what I needed to be doing to survive the "certain" low spots ahead.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 2,583
Thank you everyone for all your replies. It has really helped me and thank you for asking how my my mum's biopsy went.
Well, she has had to go in for a 2nd biopsy today. The first biopsy didn't show any malignant cells which is a good thing in one way, but her PET scan did show abnormal cells so they believe they need to go deeper so she had gone today. I am feeling alot calmer at the moment. I am really using my programme around this situation and trying to keep things in the day only and NOT GOOGLE. Worrying isn't going to help at all, we know the opposite of FEAR is FAITH and I need to put all my faith in my HP now that whatever the outcome is I will be able to be a supportive and sober daughter.
I will keep you all updated
Thank you all .
Well, she has had to go in for a 2nd biopsy today. The first biopsy didn't show any malignant cells which is a good thing in one way, but her PET scan did show abnormal cells so they believe they need to go deeper so she had gone today. I am feeling alot calmer at the moment. I am really using my programme around this situation and trying to keep things in the day only and NOT GOOGLE. Worrying isn't going to help at all, we know the opposite of FEAR is FAITH and I need to put all my faith in my HP now that whatever the outcome is I will be able to be a supportive and sober daughter.
I will keep you all updated
Thank you all .
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