How do you deal with little resentments?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2019
Posts: 211
How do you deal with little resentments?
So I have been through steps 1-9. And live in 10,11,12. In the fourth step I listed every single resentments I had real or imagined from my earliest memory. Then in sobirety I caught more resentments. And I sometimes down. Fourcolumn inventory, share it with my sponsor, and pray for the person.
But lately in my way home from work I have a long commute and I find random little resentments popping into my heads and getting me tangled up. And it’s funny because it’s usualky only when I’m alone do I feel these resentments. I try to pray for them but they keep popping up, most of my resentments are towards people in AA and the reasons are really petty.
Are my expectations too much of other people? Do you guys experience what I experience and how do I deal with them? Are is it just orgresss not perfection?
But lately in my way home from work I have a long commute and I find random little resentments popping into my heads and getting me tangled up. And it’s funny because it’s usualky only when I’m alone do I feel these resentments. I try to pray for them but they keep popping up, most of my resentments are towards people in AA and the reasons are really petty.
Are my expectations too much of other people? Do you guys experience what I experience and how do I deal with them? Are is it just orgresss not perfection?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
glad youre noticing this. to me it doesnt read like resentments but frustrations. resentments are frustrations untreated that turn into anger. when untreeated they turn into resentment.
what i do is the 10th step-ask God to remove them at once then turn my attention to something more useful, which ive found contemplating the price of tea in china can be rather useful.
what i do is the 10th step-ask God to remove them at once then turn my attention to something more useful, which ive found contemplating the price of tea in china can be rather useful.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,308
Hi Realest,
this is a great topic and one I really struggle with. TomSteve, I had actually never thought of it like this before, frustration leading to resentment, it's probably quite obvious but that really hit me as true.
Some days the serenity prayer is my mantra, I need to accept and detach to prevent frustration. Some days I feel I had less resentments when I was drinking, I think the drinking released the immediate pressure of my resentment, just sending them underground.
In the early years of my sobriety I was quite isolated and liked that, less people less frustration and resentments, now I live and work in a rehab which can be quite intense some days.
I feel grateful to be here to learn some important lessons.
Nice to have you here Realest
this is a great topic and one I really struggle with. TomSteve, I had actually never thought of it like this before, frustration leading to resentment, it's probably quite obvious but that really hit me as true.
Some days the serenity prayer is my mantra, I need to accept and detach to prevent frustration. Some days I feel I had less resentments when I was drinking, I think the drinking released the immediate pressure of my resentment, just sending them underground.
In the early years of my sobriety I was quite isolated and liked that, less people less frustration and resentments, now I live and work in a rehab which can be quite intense some days.
I feel grateful to be here to learn some important lessons.
Nice to have you here Realest
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,775
I often experience frustration/resentment at work for example. I also understand frustration comes with the job and if I don't like it I can quit.
Nothing wrong with such emotions. The question is how long will I let them fester.
You're at an airport and your flight has been canceled. I can moan all I like but I'm not getting on that flight. This is fairly easy to turn over and not something I dwell on after getting re-booked.
When I got sober I had a horrible job so I said the Serenity Prayer and tried to center myself before walking in. I resent my brothers wife and feel she is a snob. Fine. I don't need to see her.
What is important is NOT to make matters worse. Then I either ask for help or turn it over the best I can.
Nothing wrong with such emotions. The question is how long will I let them fester.
You're at an airport and your flight has been canceled. I can moan all I like but I'm not getting on that flight. This is fairly easy to turn over and not something I dwell on after getting re-booked.
When I got sober I had a horrible job so I said the Serenity Prayer and tried to center myself before walking in. I resent my brothers wife and feel she is a snob. Fine. I don't need to see her.
What is important is NOT to make matters worse. Then I either ask for help or turn it over the best I can.
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
I did a LOT of inventorying in my first 8 or so years (I've done a lot less inthe past 3 or 4 - just laziness probably). I kind of got to where I was maybe still progressing but, as your said Realest, there were still some niggling areas of my life where progress seemed to have stalled or was just going reeeeeally slow. I suppose we can choose just to rationalize and accept the status quo but I didn't want that. I suppose, just like in my drinking days, now in recovery - I wanted more. More relief and more freedom I suppose.
What made a BIG difference for me was "seeking" out how others were doing it and what they were doing. Just like you posting here - that was me. I figured there was likely some processes I hadn't considered, some truths I was blocked from, or maybe I just lacked some new knowledge that existed out there.
Probably the biggest help came from being a voracious open-talk listener. I've got 1000's on my computer/phone/ipod, etc that I've listened to. I went looking for what the as many of the most respected AA speakers had to say on the matter. I wanted to know what they were doing, how they were thinking, how they interpreted the steps and the program. Listening to and LEARNING FROM these guys and gals has had a profound effect on my recovery and my understanding of the steps. In our digital age, it's easy to download and listen to Big Book studies, step studies, retreat weekends, and regular talks by some folks with a TON of experience in AA.
I think I started with Joe and Charlie - and I'd recommend their big book study talks to anyone in AA. There are a LOT of websites out there with tons of talks free to download.
recoveryaudio.org and xa-speakers.org are two sites I use a lot.
What made a BIG difference for me was "seeking" out how others were doing it and what they were doing. Just like you posting here - that was me. I figured there was likely some processes I hadn't considered, some truths I was blocked from, or maybe I just lacked some new knowledge that existed out there.
Probably the biggest help came from being a voracious open-talk listener. I've got 1000's on my computer/phone/ipod, etc that I've listened to. I went looking for what the as many of the most respected AA speakers had to say on the matter. I wanted to know what they were doing, how they were thinking, how they interpreted the steps and the program. Listening to and LEARNING FROM these guys and gals has had a profound effect on my recovery and my understanding of the steps. In our digital age, it's easy to download and listen to Big Book studies, step studies, retreat weekends, and regular talks by some folks with a TON of experience in AA.
I think I started with Joe and Charlie - and I'd recommend their big book study talks to anyone in AA. There are a LOT of websites out there with tons of talks free to download.
recoveryaudio.org and xa-speakers.org are two sites I use a lot.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2019
Posts: 211
Originally Posted by DayTrader 
I did a LOT of inventorying in my first 8 or so years (I've done a lot less inthe past 3 or 4 - just laziness probably). I kind of got to where I was maybe still progressing but, as your said Realest, there were still some niggling areas of my life where progress seemed to have stalled or was just going reeeeeally slow. I suppose we can choose just to rationalize and accept the status quo but I didn't want that. I suppose, just like in my drinking days, now in recovery - I wanted more. More relief and more freedom I suppose.
What made a BIG difference for me was "seeking" out how others were doing it and what they were doing. Just like you posting here - that was me. I figured there was likely some processes I hadn't considered, some truths I was blocked from, or maybe I just lacked some new knowledge that existed out there.
Probably the biggest help came from being a voracious open-talk listener. I've got 1000's on my computer/phone/ipod, etc that I've listened to. I went looking for what the as many of the most respected AA speakers had to say on the matter. I wanted to know what they were doing, how they were thinking, how they interpreted the steps and the program. Listening to and LEARNING FROM these guys and gals has had a profound effect on my recovery and my understanding of the steps. In our digital age, it's easy to download and listen to Big Book studies, step studies, retreat weekends, and regular talks by some folks with a TON of experience in AA.
I think I started with Joe and Charlie - and I'd recommend their big book study talks to anyone in AA. There are a LOT of websites out there with tons of talks free to download.
recoveryaudio.org and xa-speakers.org are two sites I use a lot.
What made a BIG difference for me was "seeking" out how others were doing it and what they were doing. Just like you posting here - that was me. I figured there was likely some processes I hadn't considered, some truths I was blocked from, or maybe I just lacked some new knowledge that existed out there.
Probably the biggest help came from being a voracious open-talk listener. I've got 1000's on my computer/phone/ipod, etc that I've listened to. I went looking for what the as many of the most respected AA speakers had to say on the matter. I wanted to know what they were doing, how they were thinking, how they interpreted the steps and the program. Listening to and LEARNING FROM these guys and gals has had a profound effect on my recovery and my understanding of the steps. In our digital age, it's easy to download and listen to Big Book studies, step studies, retreat weekends, and regular talks by some folks with a TON of experience in AA.
I think I started with Joe and Charlie - and I'd recommend their big book study talks to anyone in AA. There are a LOT of websites out there with tons of talks free to download.
recoveryaudio.org and xa-speakers.org are two sites I use a lot.
My relationships have improved, the way I feel about myself is MUCH better. I also got through very difficult times without a thought of a drink.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,775
Originally Posted by Realest
I’m a seeker. I too listen to many AA speakers. And I. Listened to mark h and joe hawk, and many other speakers describing about how to do the steps. I am amazed about how detailed a program some people work. It motivates me. I am pretty diligent about step 10. I deal with resentment with a 4 column inventory prayer and share my sponsor. I definitely work step 11 strictly with prayer and meditation. And step 12 service and sponsorship. Its Never perfect it’s progress and practice, and practice, and practice, I still **** up but I have a 10th step
My relationships have improved, the way I feel about myself is MUCH better. I also got through very difficult times without a thought of a drink.
My relationships have improved, the way I feel about myself is MUCH better. I also got through very difficult times without a thought of a drink.
Nobody ever worked a perfect program and that includes the guy who wrote it.
It`s ok to stay sober
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Central NC
Posts: 20,903
I have learned my resentment inventory isn`t done until I take the fear from column 3 and run it thru the fear inventory.That works best for me.I call that a complete resentment inventory
Originally Posted by Realest
I’m a seeker. I too listen to many AA speakers. And I. Listened to mark h and joe hawk, and many other speakers describing about how to do the steps. I am amazed about how detailed a program some people work. It motivates me. I am pretty diligent about step 10. I deal with resentment with a 4 column inventory prayer and share my sponsor. I definitely work step 11 strictly with prayer and meditation. And step 12 service and sponsorship. Its Never perfect it’s progress and practice, and practice, and practice, I still **** up but I have a 10th step
My relationships have improved, the way I feel about myself is MUCH better. I also got through very difficult times without a thought of a drink.
My relationships have improved, the way I feel about myself is MUCH better. I also got through very difficult times without a thought of a drink.
Redmayne
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Manchester, England, UK.
Posts: 1,543
I've always found this quite useful...
'When you wake up in the morning tell yourself: The people I deal with today will be arrogant,meddling, ungrateful, dishonest, surly and jealous, they are like that because they don't know good from evil' - Marcus Aurelius.
In Stoic philosophy, 'good' means to exercise practical wisdom, to be temperate, courageous and just.
'Evil' means to act shamefully towards others or yourself, sometimes both at the same time.
In Stoic philosophy, 'good' means to exercise practical wisdom, to be temperate, courageous and just.
'Evil' means to act shamefully towards others or yourself, sometimes both at the same time.
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
So I have been through steps 1-9. And live in 10,11,12.
My first thought to answer your question title was "10" - I'm not clear (apologies if you have shared this on one of your other threads) if you've gone through 10-12?
I do 10-11 daily, the inventory and the turning over part so I combine the two in one sitting if you will - and one thing I do about resentments that crop up (I'd also substitute the word annoyance, aggravation, etc there) along the day or way is flip it- the "what is it about me" question the BB directs us to ask.
Recently, I've been disturbed and resentful at a handful of specific people- my husband's ex wife due to present situations w my step son, my sponsor, my step son himself...and sometimes, like yesterday, it took all the tools I have learned in AA and other places in the last 3 yrs to work through them in the immediate sense. Diff resentments and moments and days require diff tools to get me through and out of my own head - or rear.
My first thought to answer your question title was "10" - I'm not clear (apologies if you have shared this on one of your other threads) if you've gone through 10-12?
I do 10-11 daily, the inventory and the turning over part so I combine the two in one sitting if you will - and one thing I do about resentments that crop up (I'd also substitute the word annoyance, aggravation, etc there) along the day or way is flip it- the "what is it about me" question the BB directs us to ask.
Recently, I've been disturbed and resentful at a handful of specific people- my husband's ex wife due to present situations w my step son, my sponsor, my step son himself...and sometimes, like yesterday, it took all the tools I have learned in AA and other places in the last 3 yrs to work through them in the immediate sense. Diff resentments and moments and days require diff tools to get me through and out of my own head - or rear.
It`s ok to stay sober
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Central NC
Posts: 20,903
that's right August,it is a combined effort to find and be rid of the things that trouble us.I believe the resentment inventory isn`t done until I find and run the fear thru the fear inventory.After all, it is a problem,without it,I would not be resentfiul,angry,pizzed off,or just feeling uncomfortable around some others
Redmayne
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Manchester, England, UK.
Posts: 1,543
Advice from Epictetus...
Epictetus said,'When you confront any situation you must first decide,'what's up to us?'. In other words we mist decide what is and isn't under our control.
What isn't under our control - our parents,our families, friends,colleagues and acquaintances, the weather, the economy, including for those in the UK, Brexit, our bodies, although we can diet and exercise, our deaths......
What is under our control - our opinions, including our judgements, perceptions nb. alcoholism is sometimes referred to as 'the Disease of Perception', our desires. All of which exist in the mind...so change your state of mind,change your life.
'What happened to you may not be your fault. But it is your responsibility to think about it,' - William Knauss, one of the pioneers of Cognitive Behaviour.
What isn't under our control - our parents,our families, friends,colleagues and acquaintances, the weather, the economy, including for those in the UK, Brexit, our bodies, although we can diet and exercise, our deaths......
What is under our control - our opinions, including our judgements, perceptions nb. alcoholism is sometimes referred to as 'the Disease of Perception', our desires. All of which exist in the mind...so change your state of mind,change your life.
'What happened to you may not be your fault. But it is your responsibility to think about it,' - William Knauss, one of the pioneers of Cognitive Behaviour.
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