3ss

In reflecting on "progress...not perfection" and how important it is for each person to work their own program, I have been thinking about how fluid the 12 Step program is. I've been encouraged to keep coming back to the "good" meetings that I get a lot out of, that speak to me.

I know to take what I can benefit from out of each meeting, but one aspect I have yet to grasp the benefit of is sponsorship. I have a strong sober support network, with several people people I would absolutely call in a time of crisis. I did step work in rehab, and found the process insightful and fulfilling, without the help of a sponsor.

Does anyone here work their program without a sponsor?

Thanks.

Redmayne

Personally speaking, the best sponsors I ever and still have are the late Joe McQuany and Charlie Parmley, responsible for 'Joee & Charlies:Big Book Study Meeting'.

Listening to them speak whilst referring to my own copy pf 'Alcoholics Anonymous'got me sober, as Charlie said,'It's not the meetings we make, it's the Steps we take.'

aasharon90

My sponsor and countless other AA members
led me by example and I followed with the
footwork to achieve continuous sobriety
some 28 yrs later.

I listened, learned, absorbed and applied
the 12 step program of recovery all to the
best of my human ability to achieve health,
happiness and honesty in life.

Im progressing to be the best sober person
I can possibly be, without perfection.

August252015

It's always up to the person and what they determine to be "doing" AA. Personally, I still need a sponsor at 1094 days (or, next month is 3 yrs), for learning, growing, seeking advice...these needs have changed since my start in AA where I needed a different kind of learning and guidance in how my sponsor (and others who, indeed, have what I want then & now & forever) lives in recovery.

My husband and I often say that if everyone in the world did or at least understood the steps of AA, it would be a better place. I think they are basic & good "rules of living" so to answer your question - yes, and it's up to you.

AA is a program of suggestions of what has worked for us, to paraphrase the BB. For me, it works so i have no need to change it (that's not what take what you want and leave the rest means to me) or "short" myself of what it offers.

Best to you for what keeps you sober and in a good life.

Grungehead

I struggled for many years...decades actually (needlessly), because I wasn't willing to get honest with others. Every time I got to step 4 I became stuck because i either didn't have a sponsor or wasn't willing to share my "secrets" with a sponsor (or anyone else). I was still too hung up on what someone else would think of me after sharing all of my character defects and failures in life. Although I was able to string several years of sobriety together on multiple occasions it was always contingent on not running into any major life crises.

In April of 2013 I was in terrible shape 8 years into my most recent relapse. I had reached the point where I literally could no longer live with alcohol or without it and truly wished for the end. I gave AA my third and final shot and this time I decided I had to get a sponsor and bear my soul in steps 4 & 5 or it was over for me. Luckily I found a sponsor who believed that there should be no undue delays in working the steps and we got through them before I had a chance to change my mind and chicken out again. It has made all the difference in the world to me, and I am now approaching 6 years sober.

I no longer have a sponsor in the traditional sense of the word but do have what I would call a "life mentor". I also have a few other people in the program I can go to with step related issues. I also sponsor others when asked which keeps me involved in step work. When the program was in its early days many people worked the program without sponsors as many areas of the country still didn't have access to organized meetings, so I do think working the steps without a sponsor is possible. For me personally I found that I needed someone with a good understanding of the steps to guide me through them for the first time, especially steps 4-9.

DriGuy

I had a sponsor, but that was just because someone told me I needed a sponsor. So "YES", I had a sponsor, but in name only, and so also "NO", I never really had a sponsor that did anything special, and never felt like I was missing anything. No one path to recovery is universal.

Tommyh

I always keep a sponsor,I would never consider going it alone

Realest

I agree if every lived the 12 steps the world would be a better place. But who would pay the admission price,

I was brought through step 1-9, with a sponsor. And live in steps 10,11,12. I need to talk to my sponsor a few times a week. He gives me advice, supports me, and call me out on my bs.

I also have a support group. But it’s small. I find that if I’m llokkng to too many people I get a bunch of different answers andit confuses me. That’s why I only need two or three opinions. But my sponsor knows me inside and out.

I often hear people say they have a support group of 20 people, that’s too much for me. I don’t need that much.

sugarbear1

AA is about fully human interaction. Why would you want to work this alone?

Ken33xx

That's pretty much the way it was for me. I had a sponsor because it was expected. Unfortunately, this pretty much ended the day my sponsor read my mail by mistake. He was living downstairs from me in the same building. An acceptance letter came for a job I had applied and after reading it he told me because he was my sponsor I needed to inform him of such things. Bullxxxx.

What he wanted were the details of the job and how I got it (we were in the same line of work.) Because of his questioning I became leery talking with him.

Next up was a priest I was considering asking to sponsor me but one day he suddenly stopped going to meetings. I saw him in the church where the meeting was held several times after that but never again at a meeting. My guess was he went back to drinking but I never asked anyone and his absence was never talked about.

By this time I had a AA support network in place. I'm not sure I could have stayed sober by simply attending meetings and then bolting out the door at the end. I think it is important to be involved and feel a part of AA.

DayTrader

One could train for the Olympics without a coach but wouldn't the path of least resistance be to have someone there who's able to help?

The benefit of getting help is really pretty obvious. That said, there are many people who managed to do it without the help of someone with experience taking someone through the program. The question is, which scenario is most likely to yield the best results? Believing I'm alcoholic means my life is on the line here......so I'll opt for all the help I can get.

3ss

by Thanks to everyone for the thoughtful replies & insight.

I’m certainly not asking about “going it alone” - I am thankful for the support network and sober community that I have. Great meetings, and several close friends in recovery who I trust completely and regularly talk with. None of theese friends, for various reasons, would work as sponsors, though.

I am just curious if anyone is active in A.A without having a sponsor.

courage2

I had a sponsor to take me through the steps. I can't imagine doing that on my own. I was very, very un-self-aware, and I never would have seen through my own bs alone. So, my experience suggests that if you want to really get into the 12 Steps, you should have a sponsor with a lot of years in AA, who has a sponsor of his/her own, other sponsees, etc.

That said, I know people in AA with good sobriety who never had a sponsor or formally worked the steps.

DayTrader

Anything is possible, so sure... I'd bet there are people with solid recovery who never had a sponsor. The thing I go back to though is, if you're trying to plot your own course in recovery through AA, which path looks like it's most likely to be successful?

If we're playing poker, you have a decent hand but you can discard some of your weaker cards for new cards, why wouldn't you take advantage of that option? Could you win with what you have? Sure. Would it make more sense to try for some better cards? Of course.

Having someone close to me, who's experienced in working the steps, who's there to guide and help me would certainly make my task a lot easier. Could I do it without that person, sure, but why not take advantage of every opportunity and advantage I can get?

Sounds like you're looking for reasons to do things "your way" rather than the suggested or most-recommended way - which of course you're free to do. It's your life and your recovery. You're welcome to take it as seriously as you wish. You're welcome to cut as many corners as you wish. And sure, it's possible you could still end up with a winning hand...... but why cut your odds down, ya know?

3ss

I guess part of it is from rushing into a sponsor. After I left rehab, a condition of completing my long IOP program was getting a sponsor. I found one after a week of IOP, and maintained that relationship through IOP and the holidays. However, now that I am living my own program outside of the umbrella of a formal recovery regimen, I am learning how my own program is working in my life; I’m finding that daily contact with a sponsor seems more burdensome than living my program as I feel I need to. I feel guilt and shame for not regularly calling my sponsor, but worry about affecting my sponsor’s sobriety if I were to terminate the relationship.

I guess I’m just thinking out loud, but I really appreciate the feedback I’m receiving here.

3ss

Also, one of this was mandated - rehab & IOP were ofmy own free will.

August252015

^^^I didn't get my first sponsor til 97 days. That is a long time by many people's instruction or choice- but I needed time to sit in the rooms, absorb, and also see who "had what I wanted." I also knew I wasn't leaving the program, period.

We did 1-3 together and she was instrumental in my foundation in BB knowledge and understanding, ie the first 164p. The discipline I still have around daily program stuff is to her credit for starting me on. When I realized I did not want to do my 4 & 5 with her, I got my second sponsor. She was in tune with my spirit of the law v letter of the law inclination to live my recovery. We took our time getting through the steps literally - using a workbook- and "finished" them around my 1 yr. Between that 5 mo-ish mark and a year, and beyond, I learned about implementing and living the steps.

To add one more thought - some might consider me "without" a sponsor right now. My husband and I just discussed that. My sponsor has become a dear friend and to put it succinctly, has so much going on w her that I have found myself reaching to other people first, sometimes not even including her on significant things like the past 5-6 mo of intense fam drama with my step kids. I haven't actually found a new sponsor yet, as I have been thinking how to be most spiritually fit when I talk to my sponsor because, among other things, I have had resentment towards her to work through. We are getting together for our typical marathon lunch this week (something we settled into somewhere in yr 2 + ).

I've already done a new 4th step, for multiple reasons about stuff I knew I was holding onto and resenting, including her. I believe this is something I knew to do intuitively largely because I have had a great sponsor - and that it is time to do change the right way.

Pathwaytofree

Doing step work without a sponsor for me would like trying to learn math without someone to sit down and teach me, and then helping me to eventually learn for myself.

That being said, I only had the type of sponsor you call every day when I was a newcomer. So maybe yours will only be that way with you temporarily.

DayTrader

Yep, I felt the same way. I pretty much refused to do anything that didn't "feel good" to me - including getting a sponsor, reading the book, working the steps, calling my sponsor, etc..... I paid a helluva price for it but, looking back, I suppose I needed to run all my childish defiance games into the ground and end up as miserable in AA as I'd ever been when I was out drinking to finally get the willingness to surrender my opinion, my beliefs and start doing things that the program suggested I do whether I agreed with them, liked them, or believed in them.

If a complete stranger asked me the easiest way to get sober, I'd tell them to hook up with someone who'd recovered from alcoholism as the result of working the 12 steps of AA and do what that person told them to do - which would be to walk the same path they (the sponsor) walked.

Hopefully the person you picked has had that vital spiritual awakening we get from working the 12 steps and they're able to help you through the process.......... or....... if you decide to sponsor yourself and use the groups / AA as a whole as some sort of sounding board, I trust you'll learn some really important stuff there as well. Maybe your area is especially strong in recovery. Where I am, I wonder if half the meetings attendees could even list the 12 steps accurately let alone carry a message of depth and weight on how to take them.

Realest

Why what do you mean do these people just refuse to works the 12 steps. Where I go Theresa lot of big book and step meetings. People really like this. It’s crazy for me to go to a 12 step program and notwork the twelve steps.