Hopeful528

I'm a bit over 2 months sober
and was 40days not smoking until i had two today.
I had a therapy session with my addiction counsellor and it left me feeling horrible with so much anger about things in my life and i bought a pack of ciggarettes afterwards.

Im scared and dont feel well emotionally i feel terrible and im going to bed threw away the smokes but i hate the way this feels and now i have to start on day 1 of not smoking again and i have so much anger and frustration

kevlarsjal2

Don't be too hard on yourself Hopeful. Giving up two substances at once is a lot! You've let emotions make your decisions in one moment but then you've done the right thing by throwing them away. And despite smoking being really unhealthy, it's most important to stay sober. So try to see it that way that a smoke wasn't a good decision but a much better one than a drink!

And maybe tell your counsellor how you felt, so hopefully you can find ways together to not have your sessions leaving you feel so angry.

Hopeful528

Thank you

Hopeful528

I was looking forward to the appointment, I did forsee feeling this way although it has brought up things at different times in the past, it is usually comforting.
Thanks for listening I don't like basing my decisions on feelings, and find it the hardest urges to get through.
I am glad that I smoked as opposed to throwing out my sanity with drinking but smoking is an addiction for me that i wish i didnt turn too

Hopeful528

It makes me feel really sad and dissapointed in myself

Hopeful528

and just adds to the frustration because now i have to quit smoking again

kevlarsjal2

Don't be too disappointed. Try to learn from it but don't beat yourself up. Perfectionism is a slippery slope, I know it too well.

You're already doing really great by staying sober and you've even made it 40 days without a smoke. You're strong, give yourself some credit for it, even though that might be hard. I had to learn that too. I was always (and still am) quick to point out my flaws and mistakes. Try to point out your achievements too, you're worth it

CaiHong

Hi Hopeful,

Kevlar gave sound advice and support, I want to second what he said. The rehab where I am working doesn't santion smoking and it's something that I disagree with . I have witnessed guests so full of anger and frustration, not being able to have a smoke just adding fuel to the fire whereas one cigarette would have diffused a very volatile situation and a better alternative to Valium.
Strong unpleasant feelings do pass just like the happy pleasant ones do let them pass don't invest energy into them and try and distance yourself from them.

CaiHong

You are sober that is the main thing, the rest will follow.

tomsteve

toss out that ass kikin machine,hopeful- it aint gonna help.
NOT dismantle it and put it in the closet- toss it to the curb.
now stop lookin at the negatives and startr lookin at the positives- the very 1st one being ya didnt drink.

feelings-
ya know how we learn to deal with them and what they mean?
by feeling them. many times i had to just sit and let myself feel. quite often id be drivin to a meeting, have the radio blaring....nope-turn it off....nope,silence is too much....turn on the radio....nope...too much....turn off the radio...nope,silence is too much.....

now i can have the radio off or on and be ok with it. i can have a complete day without any radio,tv, or verbal communication with someone else- just me- my thoughts, and my HP- and be quite allright with it.

Hopeful528

Thank you for the replies. I'm going to focus on the positives.
I can go through this and get to the other side.
I will most likely have a better day tomorrow, and I already feel better now, and I most certainly wouldn't if I had of drank.
Before long, I will be able to do that with cigarettes too. Progress not perfection...yet :P

Hopeful528

I find it hard to feel low though, and to sit with it

kevlarsjal2

I guess no one likes that feeling. If we could, we'd probably all choose to always feel happy.

It took me a lot of acceptance to be okay with experiencing uncomfortable feelings. But they pass. And in my experience they pass quicker when you accept them. You can sit and rate your mood and do that once per hour or so and you'll see how often it changes throughout the week or even a day.

I drank mainly to make uncomfortable feelings go away. And every time we gave in to that behaviour of avoiding our feelings it made it even scarier to allow ourselves to experience them. It feels partly so hard cause you'r not used to it. It will get better.

ScottFromWI

So don't sit. Find something productive to do, even if it's just talking a walk or cleaning up your bedroom. You get to choose the outcome of the day, so make the rest of it a positive one.

kevlarsjal2

That's very good advice from Scott If there's anything you can do to make yourself feel better (which is not taking a mood altering substance or any other addictive / harmful behaviour) then do that of course! Sometimes I need to kick myself in the arse a bit. I know which things I could do to make myself feel better but sometimes I get so depressed or unmotivated that it's hard to do even those things.
If nothing helps, then just try to accept your current mood and remember that it will pass.

Hopeful528

I can and do always have a choice, but every once in a while i have a day like this morning where I can't push myself to do much other than breathe and sit with it

I can turn on aa podcasts etc, prayand remember that it will pass and what I've learned and built up on my good days

Hopeful528

Thanks, yes exactly.
Most of the time I can push myself but today was what I'd call extreme where I can try but usually not

Ken33xx

When I got sober a fellow in the room told me I shouldn't drink coffee. I was floored. I wasn't drinking that was a huge deal for me. There were a number of members who chain smoked after meetings and so be it. I had already stopped smoking when I got sober but I treated myself to a bag of potato chips and/or ice cream.

We all know smoking isn't good for us. (Interestingly enough that's the one vice I stopped without too much trouble.)

But the OP didn't drink and that's the bottom line.

As was mentioned no need to beat yourself up over this. Self-flagellation rarely helps anyone.

tomsteve

this is a good time to talk with your HP.

Hopeful528

Thanks everyone
I'm happy I'm learning to get through bad days.
Sometimes in the moment it feels like it will never end but its always better the next day and so happy I'm sober

kevlarsjal2

That's the trick Hopeful! To realise that, no matter how painful it is, it will end! And you will feel better again. The more often you get through this cycle, the easier it will be to remember that it will get better, even when it doesn't feel that way. This way you at least don't lose hope on a cognitive level.