Too much - Too far - Want/Need to stop
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 125
Too much - Too far - Want/Need to stop
Annnnd, I’m back.
Not sure where I left off, so, I’ll start here-
My name is Natalie, and I’m an alcoholic.
I came to terms with the fact that I was an alcoholic in 2012, after I had my daughter. In fact, my daughter was (what I believed) the “cure” to my alcoholism. 5 years later, I realized that was not true. I was forced into not drinking when becoming pregnant with her, and when I had her, I looked at this innocent baby and thought, “I can’t **** this up.” So it’s like some divine power took away the urge to drink! Unreal! …(yes. Very unreal.)
Fast forward 5 years when the **** hit the fan.
My husband and I were going through some major trials. He suffers from depression and in July of 2016, while he was in outpatient, I picked it back up. Our marriage was NOT in a good place. The stress of everything was unbearable. So, one night, at my moms when she was asleep (I stayed over there a lot during those times), I picked up a glass of wine and thought, “fuck it. It can’t get any worse.” I was wrong.
I was pretty much night drinking from July 2016 to June 2017. (I found out I was pregnant, again!) So, that was a big, “maybe my sober side will come back after 9 months of abstaining”, moment. I had my baby, a boy, (Audie). And two weeks TWO WEEKS after having him, I picked up right where I left off. At first gradual, and then full force. I even stopped breastfeeding because I wanted my booze. (How GD selfish is that???) -Fastforward to now. My baby boy is almost 6 months and I’ve come to terms that I have a terrible problem. First off, I have epilepsy. And many know that you should NOT drink if you have epilepsy; as alcohol can trigger seizures very easily. And this has happened a few times since having had him. It happened yesterday, in fact. -My husband and I were doing a little get’a’way (for me a drink’a’way) in OKC this past weekend. (I know, I know…really? OkC?) But it was a change of scenery and a city where nobody knows us. After a long of day of binge drinking, this past Saturday, I had a seizure the following day. After that seizure. I cried. And cried. And told my husband that this is NOT who I want to be. I’m digging my own grave and I’m going to leave my babies behind. I had been thinking this for a long time, but pushing it back, pushing it back. But, I believe something was really triggered yesterday. Same feeling I had after I had my first baby. I sincerely, SINCERELY, did not want to drink. (Then again, I just drank the previous day, so…) -So! Here is where I am now. Day two of not having a drink and I want to keep it that way. (Hell, I went 5 years without booze or wanting it! The feeling of being sober was great when you can get past the ****.) And I completely dropped that ball due to an awful time in my life. -I need help. And I know that. My family (aside from husband) still think I am living the life of sobriety…but, that’s going to change very soon. But, I need you guys to lean on. I need advice more than ever. I’ll take whatever punches you have to throw. I’ve been avoiding this forum. It has been on my mind and I’ve been flat out avoiding it. I can’t do that. Please, I need friends. Help.
Not sure where I left off, so, I’ll start here-
My name is Natalie, and I’m an alcoholic.
I came to terms with the fact that I was an alcoholic in 2012, after I had my daughter. In fact, my daughter was (what I believed) the “cure” to my alcoholism. 5 years later, I realized that was not true. I was forced into not drinking when becoming pregnant with her, and when I had her, I looked at this innocent baby and thought, “I can’t **** this up.” So it’s like some divine power took away the urge to drink! Unreal! …(yes. Very unreal.)
Fast forward 5 years when the **** hit the fan.
My husband and I were going through some major trials. He suffers from depression and in July of 2016, while he was in outpatient, I picked it back up. Our marriage was NOT in a good place. The stress of everything was unbearable. So, one night, at my moms when she was asleep (I stayed over there a lot during those times), I picked up a glass of wine and thought, “fuck it. It can’t get any worse.” I was wrong.
I was pretty much night drinking from July 2016 to June 2017. (I found out I was pregnant, again!) So, that was a big, “maybe my sober side will come back after 9 months of abstaining”, moment. I had my baby, a boy, (Audie). And two weeks TWO WEEKS after having him, I picked up right where I left off. At first gradual, and then full force. I even stopped breastfeeding because I wanted my booze. (How GD selfish is that???) -Fastforward to now. My baby boy is almost 6 months and I’ve come to terms that I have a terrible problem. First off, I have epilepsy. And many know that you should NOT drink if you have epilepsy; as alcohol can trigger seizures very easily. And this has happened a few times since having had him. It happened yesterday, in fact. -My husband and I were doing a little get’a’way (for me a drink’a’way) in OKC this past weekend. (I know, I know…really? OkC?) But it was a change of scenery and a city where nobody knows us. After a long of day of binge drinking, this past Saturday, I had a seizure the following day. After that seizure. I cried. And cried. And told my husband that this is NOT who I want to be. I’m digging my own grave and I’m going to leave my babies behind. I had been thinking this for a long time, but pushing it back, pushing it back. But, I believe something was really triggered yesterday. Same feeling I had after I had my first baby. I sincerely, SINCERELY, did not want to drink. (Then again, I just drank the previous day, so…) -So! Here is where I am now. Day two of not having a drink and I want to keep it that way. (Hell, I went 5 years without booze or wanting it! The feeling of being sober was great when you can get past the ****.) And I completely dropped that ball due to an awful time in my life. -I need help. And I know that. My family (aside from husband) still think I am living the life of sobriety…but, that’s going to change very soon. But, I need you guys to lean on. I need advice more than ever. I’ll take whatever punches you have to throw. I’ve been avoiding this forum. It has been on my mind and I’ve been flat out avoiding it. I can’t do that. Please, I need friends. Help.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Glad you are and we will offer support. Have you thought about real life support? A program of action of some kind is critical for pretty much all of us, and mine is AA..
It sounds like you have a lot to lose- and a lot to live for if you get sober again. Besides having children, what did you do to be in recovery during those years?
It sounds like you have a lot to lose- and a lot to live for if you get sober again. Besides having children, what did you do to be in recovery during those years?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 125
Thanks for responding, August
I didn't join any local groups to get sober again. It just happened, mentally, and I didn't want to drink anymore. (But, maybe not joining a local group was/IS the problem.)
And yes...a lot to lose.
I told my husband yesterday that I cannot and do not (in my conscious mind) want to drink anymore. He said, "ok ok..." was very sweet about it. I told him, no matter if I beg and plead for you to bring some home after work, DON'T. (I stay home with the kids, that's why he would bring it home.)
And yes...a lot to lose.
I told my husband yesterday that I cannot and do not (in my conscious mind) want to drink anymore. He said, "ok ok..." was very sweet about it. I told him, no matter if I beg and plead for you to bring some home after work, DON'T. (I stay home with the kids, that's why he would bring it home.)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 125
Aa
my husband just said that I need a therapist. That AA is kindof cheesy. And I have confidence issues that also need to be met. Hence, therapist. .......And since I've never been to an AA meeting, how do I respond to him with that??
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by Knat84 
my husband just said that I need a therapist. That AA is kindof cheesy. And I have confidence issues that also need to be met. Hence, therapist. .......And since I've never been to an AA meeting, how do I respond to him with that??
do you think you could benefit from a therapist?
do you think AA is cheesy without knowing what its truly about?
do you think you have confidence issues(the steps of AA helped me with my own confidence and insecurity issues) ?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by Knat84
I do have confidence issues. I am more than ready to do ANYTHING to take care of this.
its about a LOT more than keeping us from drinking. it also helps find causes and conditions for the underlying issues alcohol is a symptom of and how to correct them.
https://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/alcoholics-anonymous
the first 164 pages explains how we recover. after that is personal stories.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,308
Hi Knat,
You may have just taken the first step and your desire to stop drinking sounds very strong.
I am over seven years sober and I definitely don't take it for granted and find that this forum and the AA program keep me that way.
In my case sobriety has given me confidence, that was lacking, passing off my bravado as confidence
All the very best and do what you need to do and get sober, it's your call.
You can do this.
CaiHong
You may have just taken the first step and your desire to stop drinking sounds very strong.
I am over seven years sober and I definitely don't take it for granted and find that this forum and the AA program keep me that way.
In my case sobriety has given me confidence, that was lacking, passing off my bravado as confidence
All the very best and do what you need to do and get sober, it's your call.
You can do this.
CaiHong
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 125
Hi!
Originally Posted by tomsteve
how you feel about the issues is whats important.
do you think you could benefit from a therapist?
do you think AA is cheesy without knowing what its truly about?
do you think you have confidence issues(the steps of AA helped me with my own confidence and insecurity issues) ?
do you think you could benefit from a therapist?
do you think AA is cheesy without knowing what its truly about?
do you think you have confidence issues(the steps of AA helped me with my own confidence and insecurity issues) ?
'I' do not think AA is cheesy. I have never been to a meeting. My husband has been to outpatient and has been in a room with all different kinds of folks. Telling stories. All that jazz. Maybe he's thinking that experience is similar to AA?
And as far as confidence issues, yes! Totally have those. Again, however, alcohol exacerbates them. I mean, it ages you. Makes you look like you're sick. Triggers anxiety attacks. Makes you gain weight. It's a drug that feels good in the moment, but has so many nasty side effects. I'm realizing that more, now. Something happened to me this weekend. My mind went to this place where I suddenly thought, "Too much. TOO MUCH. I can't do it and I don't want to do it." But, I know that in order to stay in that place, I will definitely need support. I got sober on my own before, and it only lasted 5 years. I'm thinking it had something to do with life circumstance and not having a sponsor/ support group. I kindof abandoned this one when life got too heavy.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 125
Originally Posted by tomsteve
good on ya!!! hows about reading the BB of AA to learn what its all about?
its about a LOT more than keeping us from drinking. it also helps find causes and conditions for the underlying issues alcohol is a symptom of and how to correct them.
https://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/alcoholics-anonymous
the first 164 pages explains how we recover. after that is personal stories.
its about a LOT more than keeping us from drinking. it also helps find causes and conditions for the underlying issues alcohol is a symptom of and how to correct them.
https://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/alcoholics-anonymous
the first 164 pages explains how we recover. after that is personal stories.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 125
Originally Posted by CaiHong
Hi Knat,
You may have just taken the first step and your desire to stop drinking sounds very strong.
I am over seven years sober and I definitely don't take it for granted and find that this forum and the AA program keep me that way.
In my case sobriety has given me confidence, that was lacking, passing off my bravado as confidence
All the very best and do what you need to do and get sober, it's your call.
You can do this.
CaiHong
You may have just taken the first step and your desire to stop drinking sounds very strong.
I am over seven years sober and I definitely don't take it for granted and find that this forum and the AA program keep me that way.
In my case sobriety has given me confidence, that was lacking, passing off my bravado as confidence
All the very best and do what you need to do and get sober, it's your call.
You can do this.
CaiHong
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
I had to stop being too busy to quit, and get started. And no matter how busy or stressful life gets, I have to stay in-busy enough to keep going and handle anything and everything...ithout drinking.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,245
well, Knat, you say you are more than ready to do ANYTHING....so then saying you are too busy to sit and read 164 pages sounds Ike a tad of backtracking, yes?
in any case...about the cheesiness factor of AA: i have found quite a few people mouthing cheesy phrases without much thought, in the fellowship, though all with good intentions or serving as anchors or being shorthand...but i found nothing cheesy in the 12-step program itself.
good to have you here.
in any case...about the cheesiness factor of AA: i have found quite a few people mouthing cheesy phrases without much thought, in the fellowship, though all with good intentions or serving as anchors or being shorthand...but i found nothing cheesy in the 12-step program itself.
good to have you here.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 125
I have two kids (a newborn& 6 year old) and a husband that works full time. Summer is great for audiobooks so I can work two kids at once and not have to get up and down. I may be an alcoholic but I still take care of what needs to be done. -&I've already started listening, in fact. Trust me, I prefer to read and believe I will do so this coming school year. (I will have one kiddo in school 8:30-2. Free time.) Not sure why listening is frowned upon. -On an up-note- 2nd night without booze. Feeling fine.
Originally Posted by fini
well, Knat, you say you are more than ready to do ANYTHING....so then saying you are too busy to sit and read 164 pages sounds Ike a tad of backtracking, yes?
in any case...about the cheesiness factor of AA: i have found quite a few people mouthing cheesy phrases without much thought, in the fellowship, though all with good intentions or serving as anchors or being shorthand...but i found nothing cheesy in the 12-step program itself.
good to have you here.
in any case...about the cheesiness factor of AA: i have found quite a few people mouthing cheesy phrases without much thought, in the fellowship, though all with good intentions or serving as anchors or being shorthand...but i found nothing cheesy in the 12-step program itself.
good to have you here.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,775
Originally Posted by Knat84
Annnnd, I’m back.
Not sure where I left off, so, I’ll start here-
My name is Natalie, and I’m an alcoholic.
I came to terms with the fact that I was an alcoholic in 2012, after I had my daughter. In fact, my daughter was (what I believed) the “cure” to my alcoholism. 5 years later, I realized that was not true. I was forced into not drinking when becoming pregnant with her, and when I had her, I looked at this innocent baby and thought, “I can’t **** this up.” So it’s like some divine power took away the urge to drink! Unreal! …(yes. Very unreal.)
Fast forward 5 years when the **** hit the fan.
My husband and I were going through some major trials. He suffers from depression and in July of 2016, while he was in outpatient, I picked it back up. Our marriage was NOT in a good place. The stress of everything was unbearable. So, one night, at my moms when she was asleep (I stayed over there a lot during those times), I picked up a glass of wine and thought, “**** it. It can’t get any worse.” I was wrong.
I was pretty much night drinking from July 2016 to June 2017. (I found out I was pregnant, again!) So, that was a big, “maybe my sober side will come back after 9 months of abstaining”, moment. I had my baby, a boy, (Audie). And two weeks TWO WEEKS after having him, I picked up right where I left off. At first gradual, and then full force. I even stopped breastfeeding because I wanted my booze. (How GD selfish is that???) -Fastforward to now. My baby boy is almost 6 months and I’ve come to terms that I have a terrible problem. First off, I have epilepsy. And many know that you should NOT drink if you have epilepsy; as alcohol can trigger seizures very easily. And this has happened a few times since having had him. It happened yesterday, in fact. -My husband and I were doing a little get’a’way (for me a drink’a’way) in OKC this past weekend. (I know, I know…really? OkC?) But it was a change of scenery and a city where nobody knows us. After a long of day of binge drinking, this past Saturday, I had a seizure the following day. After that seizure. I cried. And cried. And told my husband that this is NOT who I want to be. I’m digging my own grave and I’m going to leave my babies behind. I had been thinking this for a long time, but pushing it back, pushing it back. But, I believe something was really triggered yesterday. Same feeling I had after I had my first baby. I sincerely, SINCERELY, did not want to drink. (Then again, I just drank the previous day, so…) -So! Here is where I am now. Day two of not having a drink and I want to keep it that way. (Hell, I went 5 years without booze or wanting it! The feeling of being sober was great when you can get past the ****.) And I completely dropped that ball due to an awful time in my life. -I need help. And I know that. My family (aside from husband) still think I am living the life of sobriety…but, that’s going to change very soon. But, I need you guys to lean on. I need advice more than ever. I’ll take whatever punches you have to throw. I’ve been avoiding this forum. It has been on my mind and I’ve been flat out avoiding it. I can’t do that. Please, I need friends. Help.
Not sure where I left off, so, I’ll start here-
My name is Natalie, and I’m an alcoholic.
I came to terms with the fact that I was an alcoholic in 2012, after I had my daughter. In fact, my daughter was (what I believed) the “cure” to my alcoholism. 5 years later, I realized that was not true. I was forced into not drinking when becoming pregnant with her, and when I had her, I looked at this innocent baby and thought, “I can’t **** this up.” So it’s like some divine power took away the urge to drink! Unreal! …(yes. Very unreal.)
Fast forward 5 years when the **** hit the fan.
My husband and I were going through some major trials. He suffers from depression and in July of 2016, while he was in outpatient, I picked it back up. Our marriage was NOT in a good place. The stress of everything was unbearable. So, one night, at my moms when she was asleep (I stayed over there a lot during those times), I picked up a glass of wine and thought, “**** it. It can’t get any worse.” I was wrong.
I was pretty much night drinking from July 2016 to June 2017. (I found out I was pregnant, again!) So, that was a big, “maybe my sober side will come back after 9 months of abstaining”, moment. I had my baby, a boy, (Audie). And two weeks TWO WEEKS after having him, I picked up right where I left off. At first gradual, and then full force. I even stopped breastfeeding because I wanted my booze. (How GD selfish is that???) -Fastforward to now. My baby boy is almost 6 months and I’ve come to terms that I have a terrible problem. First off, I have epilepsy. And many know that you should NOT drink if you have epilepsy; as alcohol can trigger seizures very easily. And this has happened a few times since having had him. It happened yesterday, in fact. -My husband and I were doing a little get’a’way (for me a drink’a’way) in OKC this past weekend. (I know, I know…really? OkC?) But it was a change of scenery and a city where nobody knows us. After a long of day of binge drinking, this past Saturday, I had a seizure the following day. After that seizure. I cried. And cried. And told my husband that this is NOT who I want to be. I’m digging my own grave and I’m going to leave my babies behind. I had been thinking this for a long time, but pushing it back, pushing it back. But, I believe something was really triggered yesterday. Same feeling I had after I had my first baby. I sincerely, SINCERELY, did not want to drink. (Then again, I just drank the previous day, so…) -So! Here is where I am now. Day two of not having a drink and I want to keep it that way. (Hell, I went 5 years without booze or wanting it! The feeling of being sober was great when you can get past the ****.) And I completely dropped that ball due to an awful time in my life. -I need help. And I know that. My family (aside from husband) still think I am living the life of sobriety…but, that’s going to change very soon. But, I need you guys to lean on. I need advice more than ever. I’ll take whatever punches you have to throw. I’ve been avoiding this forum. It has been on my mind and I’ve been flat out avoiding it. I can’t do that. Please, I need friends. Help.
I didn't have a family and was barely employed so getting to AA meetings wasn't an issue.
About AA: I've heard it described as a lot of things but never cheesy.
However, I would like to point out that while AA meetings generally start off the same they often vary. In my case I liked the first meeting I attended but not the second which I found cult-like.
If possible attend a variety of meetings. You can't beat the price and there are no leaders. (Just trusted servants so to speak)
Best thing I did was join AA. And while life in sobriety hasn't been all smooth sailing it certainly is a lot better than when I first walked through the doors.
Best of luck!
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,620
Reading your post I feel that cheese may be the only solution that will work. From my rehab group of 10 cases similar to yours in severity, eight of us decided on the cheese free diet. Within a year I was the only one left alive. By then I had developed a taste for cheese, and have been sober ever since
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by Knat84
My life is busy so sitting down to read comes in patches. HOWEVER, I'm going to get the audiobook!!Thanks for responding!!
however,something to think about:
ya had time to drink,correct? spent a full day drinking,correct? a drink away in OKC?? found time to drink,correct?
but ya dont have time to read?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,775
Originally Posted by tomsteve
glad youre doin that.
however,something to think about:
ya had time to drink,correct? spent a full day drinking,correct? a drink away in OKC?? found time to drink,correct?
but ya dont have time to read?
however,something to think about:
ya had time to drink,correct? spent a full day drinking,correct? a drink away in OKC?? found time to drink,correct?
but ya dont have time to read?
Back in the day if I had just 30 minutes to drink you'd best believe I would still get my drunk on.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: Georgia, USA
Posts: 2,229
Of course it's fine to listen to the audiobook instead of reading if that suits you better. Not sure why some think it's not.
I'm glad you're ready to do what it takes! If going to meetings helps you like it helps so many of us, you can look up where to find a meeting in your area online. Your husband doesn't have to like it, but he should be supportive if he wants a healthy partner and mother for his children.
Best wishes to you!
I'm glad you're ready to do what it takes! If going to meetings helps you like it helps so many of us, you can look up where to find a meeting in your area online. Your husband doesn't have to like it, but he should be supportive if he wants a healthy partner and mother for his children.
Best wishes to you!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,245
Natalie, nobody is saying listening to the audio is not okay, nor am i frowning.
what i AM saying is that in my many attempts to get and stay sober long-term, nothing succeeded until i made it a priority and chose to put the effort and energy into it that i hadn't previously, and a whole bunch of that was rather inconvenient
i'm glad you're here and wanting better for yourself.
what i AM saying is that in my many attempts to get and stay sober long-term, nothing succeeded until i made it a priority and chose to put the effort and energy into it that i hadn't previously, and a whole bunch of that was rather inconvenient
i'm glad you're here and wanting better for yourself.
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