5th Step: Did you trust your sponsor
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Arizona
Posts: 107
5th Step: Did you trust your sponsor
At 89 days sober, I shared my list of resentments (4th step) with my current sponsor. The setting was outside at the local Mormon temple in our state, outside on the lawn amongst trees and the flowers. Although I share Christian views I do not share certain aspects of the Mormon faith. Nevertheless we chose this place because it might afford us the time needed to complete this part of the steps and begin moving forward in my sobriety.
I was not feeling as well emotionally on this day as it was the first Easter I would spend without my beloved wife(she past 07/19/17), my wife's grandkids(whom I loved like my own) and the home I had lived in for 18 years. Nevertheless I felt I was ready and my sponsor was insistent that we get this done ASAP.
The format we used was a list derived from a book called "The steps we took" by Joe McQ. We used this book as my sponsor used this book with his sponsor to work his 4th and 5th steps. I agreed as to it as it seemed to be insightful when I initially saw it at first, although it was non approved AA literature.
We started off with I reading my list of resentments. As I was less than halfway through I realized that this list was a bit too complicated for me. My sponsor then asked for my list and started to read it aloud and then analyze himself for my part in things. He read the sex instinct part aloud everytime and the would comment"No sex there" when it was obvious that the contents that applied to viable sex instinct was already covered first when I read. It felt like it was done non chalantly and started to get a mechanical feel to the whole thing.
Needless to say when the whole 2.5 hours of the resentment list was done, it did not feel very freeing. I totally forgot about the list of fears and the harm done to others inventory when my sponsor said we were done. He suggested I read the follow up on pages 75,76 from the Big Book, 3rd edition and take the suggested action outlined which I did.
I compared this entire experience on this day with the first 5th step I did with my then sponsor 17 years ago. The feel was entirely different. Although I am not as active in my christian faith as I once was at certain times in my life, That first experience I likened to being baptized in water when I was 16 years old in a lake out in the country.
When I emerged out of the water I felt so clean inside and such a deep feeling of forgiveness, completeness etc.
That fifth step took nearly 10 hours and was done high on a mountainside. It was so powerful that I woke up emotionally high the next 2 days feeling as white as snow and full of peace. I really felt my then sponsors whole heart was into it, and it seemed like a powerful spiritual experience.
Back to the present. It's been 71 days since my 5th step with resentments done. We never did do the fear or sex(harm done to others inventory, as it was initially overlooked. When I finally spoke to my sponsor after several weeks of no communication, I brought the topic up. He said it needed to get done but wanted to meet an hour before a meeting to go over it and then hit up the meeting. I don't know now if I entirely trust him. I feel like I might just be somebody to validate his worth to his sponsor with an "attaboy" or "good job."
The fact that he wants to set aside so little time to this really stands out. I do not know where to go from here. Any thoughts anyone? What would you do in my situation? I am 160 days sober as of today.
I was not feeling as well emotionally on this day as it was the first Easter I would spend without my beloved wife(she past 07/19/17), my wife's grandkids(whom I loved like my own) and the home I had lived in for 18 years. Nevertheless I felt I was ready and my sponsor was insistent that we get this done ASAP.
The format we used was a list derived from a book called "The steps we took" by Joe McQ. We used this book as my sponsor used this book with his sponsor to work his 4th and 5th steps. I agreed as to it as it seemed to be insightful when I initially saw it at first, although it was non approved AA literature.
We started off with I reading my list of resentments. As I was less than halfway through I realized that this list was a bit too complicated for me. My sponsor then asked for my list and started to read it aloud and then analyze himself for my part in things. He read the sex instinct part aloud everytime and the would comment"No sex there" when it was obvious that the contents that applied to viable sex instinct was already covered first when I read. It felt like it was done non chalantly and started to get a mechanical feel to the whole thing.
Needless to say when the whole 2.5 hours of the resentment list was done, it did not feel very freeing. I totally forgot about the list of fears and the harm done to others inventory when my sponsor said we were done. He suggested I read the follow up on pages 75,76 from the Big Book, 3rd edition and take the suggested action outlined which I did.
I compared this entire experience on this day with the first 5th step I did with my then sponsor 17 years ago. The feel was entirely different. Although I am not as active in my christian faith as I once was at certain times in my life, That first experience I likened to being baptized in water when I was 16 years old in a lake out in the country.
When I emerged out of the water I felt so clean inside and such a deep feeling of forgiveness, completeness etc.
That fifth step took nearly 10 hours and was done high on a mountainside. It was so powerful that I woke up emotionally high the next 2 days feeling as white as snow and full of peace. I really felt my then sponsors whole heart was into it, and it seemed like a powerful spiritual experience.
Back to the present. It's been 71 days since my 5th step with resentments done. We never did do the fear or sex(harm done to others inventory, as it was initially overlooked. When I finally spoke to my sponsor after several weeks of no communication, I brought the topic up. He said it needed to get done but wanted to meet an hour before a meeting to go over it and then hit up the meeting. I don't know now if I entirely trust him. I feel like I might just be somebody to validate his worth to his sponsor with an "attaboy" or "good job."
The fact that he wants to set aside so little time to this really stands out. I do not know where to go from here. Any thoughts anyone? What would you do in my situation? I am 160 days sober as of today.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Pacific Coast
Posts: 785
At first blush it seems like you had an expectation of how your 5th step ought to go, resulting in a resentment toward your sponsor when it didn't go the way you anticipated.
On a deeper level, I wonder if you're losing focus on the overall purpose of taking the steps? Your post reads like you may be all wrapped up and bogged down in micro-managing the details of the technique rather than viewing the steps with an overall goal in mind.
One analogy for taking the steps might be building a staircase -- a staircase that takes you to a state of spiritual connection with your higher power. Of course, you want the steps of the staircase to be solid and secure, there is a danger in focusing too much on minute details of how each step of the staircase is built rather than where it is taking you.
What do you see as the purpose of Steps 4 and 5?
On a deeper level, I wonder if you're losing focus on the overall purpose of taking the steps? Your post reads like you may be all wrapped up and bogged down in micro-managing the details of the technique rather than viewing the steps with an overall goal in mind.
One analogy for taking the steps might be building a staircase -- a staircase that takes you to a state of spiritual connection with your higher power. Of course, you want the steps of the staircase to be solid and secure, there is a danger in focusing too much on minute details of how each step of the staircase is built rather than where it is taking you.
What do you see as the purpose of Steps 4 and 5?
It`s ok to stay sober
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Central NC
Posts: 20,902
hi Stellar45
my first 5th step was with a Catholic Priest 30 years ago.
I had the same powerful spiritual experience
my 2nd formal 5th step was 10 years ago.I
didn`t have the same powerful experience but
I had lit a fire inside which has grew since.
My sponsor sent me home for a hour to reflect
and pray and go on to steps 6 and 7 out of the big book.
I called him later that day when I had taken step 7.
I feel like comparing the first experience against
the second experience can lead to misleading results.
Have you given any thought to going back to the first
sponsor and see if he can hear it?If he can`t,I would
seek out someone else to hear it and do it again
.If you are satified you have done the best you can,not
holding back,give it to God and him.
by the way,I was bapitized out in the country in a lake
by a group of Holiness folks and it had me going for 6 months.
whew!
what a experience!
my first 5th step was with a Catholic Priest 30 years ago.
I had the same powerful spiritual experience
my 2nd formal 5th step was 10 years ago.I
didn`t have the same powerful experience but
I had lit a fire inside which has grew since.
My sponsor sent me home for a hour to reflect
and pray and go on to steps 6 and 7 out of the big book.
I called him later that day when I had taken step 7.
I feel like comparing the first experience against
the second experience can lead to misleading results.
Have you given any thought to going back to the first
sponsor and see if he can hear it?If he can`t,I would
seek out someone else to hear it and do it again
.If you are satified you have done the best you can,not
holding back,give it to God and him.
by the way,I was bapitized out in the country in a lake
by a group of Holiness folks and it had me going for 6 months.
whew!
what a experience!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,775
When I was in the 2nd or 3rd grade the teacher (nun) had the class write down on a piece of paper the sins we had recently committed.
Then she took the class to the church next door where we went one by one into the confessional booth. We read the list to the priest and he gave us absolution.
I felt great the first few times but after that not so much.
The OP did a 4th/5th step years ago and had a great experiences.
The feelings I felt after my first confession were tough to top as well.
Then she took the class to the church next door where we went one by one into the confessional booth. We read the list to the priest and he gave us absolution.
I felt great the first few times but after that not so much.
The OP did a 4th/5th step years ago and had a great experiences.
The feelings I felt after my first confession were tough to top as well.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Arizona
Posts: 107
I guess I had expectation that it would be freeing experience. It sure didn't feel like it. I am a person who sees a great deal of connectivity in things. I am not one of those thinkers who compartmentalize things or a linear thinker for that matter. I fault myself for not keeping the inventory simple in the manner presented in the book. I rather agreed to another style inventory that seemed to ovetcomplicate and overanalyze things which Mau have contributed to the outcome.
When he took my fourth step and started reading it to me, it felt like he was trying to fix me. I didn't feel much ownership after that point. Most people I spoke told me they read their 4th step to their sponsors and not the other way around. Will I drink over it? I certainly think not, but wonder if I should start over with another person. I am even thinking about other programs although I would certainly miss the social aspect of AA found in meetings if I did.
When he took my fourth step and started reading it to me, it felt like he was trying to fix me. I didn't feel much ownership after that point. Most people I spoke told me they read their 4th step to their sponsors and not the other way around. Will I drink over it? I certainly think not, but wonder if I should start over with another person. I am even thinking about other programs although I would certainly miss the social aspect of AA found in meetings if I did.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,775
Originally Posted by Stellar45 
At 89 days sober, I shared my list of resentments (4th step) with my current sponsor. The setting was outside at the local Mormon temple in our state, outside on the lawn amongst trees and the flowers. Although I share Christian views I do not share certain aspects of the Mormon faith. Nevertheless we chose this place because it might afford us the time needed to complete this part of the steps and begin moving forward in my sobriety.
I was not feeling as well emotionally on this day as it was the first Easter I would spend without my beloved wife(she past 07/19/17), my wife's grandkids(whom I loved like my own) and the home I had lived in for 18 years. Nevertheless I felt I was ready and my sponsor was insistent that we get this done ASAP.
The format we used was a list derived from a book called "The steps we took" by Joe McQ. We used this book as my sponsor used this book with his sponsor to work his 4th and 5th steps. I agreed as to it as it seemed to be insightful when I initially saw it at first, although it was non approved AA literature.
We started off with I reading my list of resentments. As I was less than halfway through I realized that this list was a bit too complicated for me. My sponsor then asked for my list and started to read it aloud and then analyze himself for my part in things. He read the sex instinct part aloud everytime and the would comment"No sex there" when it was obvious that the contents that applied to viable sex instinct was already covered first when I read. It felt like it was done non chalantly and started to get a mechanical feel to the whole thing.
Needless to say when the whole 2.5 hours of the resentment list was done, it did not feel very freeing. I totally forgot about the list of fears and the harm done to others inventory when my sponsor said we were done. He suggested I read the follow up on pages 75,76 from the Big Book, 3rd edition and take the suggested action outlined which I did.
I compared this entire experience on this day with the first 5th step I did with my then sponsor 17 years ago. The feel was entirely different. Although I am not as active in my christian faith as I once was at certain times in my life, That first experience I likened to being baptized in water when I was 16 years old in a lake out in the country.
When I emerged out of the water I felt so clean inside and such a deep feeling of forgiveness, completeness etc.
That fifth step took nearly 10 hours and was done high on a mountainside. It was so powerful that I woke up emotionally high the next 2 days feeling as white as snow and full of peace. I really felt my then sponsors whole heart was into it, and it seemed like a powerful spiritual experience.
Back to the present. It's been 71 days since my 5th step with resentments done. We never did do the fear or sex(harm done to others inventory, as it was initially overlooked. When I finally spoke to my sponsor after several weeks of no communication, I brought the topic up. He said it needed to get done but wanted to meet an hour before a meeting to go over it and then hit up the meeting. I don't know now if I entirely trust him. I feel like I might just be somebody to validate his worth to his sponsor with an "attaboy" or "good job."
The fact that he wants to set aside so little time to this really stands out. I do not know where to go from here. Any thoughts anyone? What would you do in my situation? I am 160 days sober as of today.
I was not feeling as well emotionally on this day as it was the first Easter I would spend without my beloved wife(she past 07/19/17), my wife's grandkids(whom I loved like my own) and the home I had lived in for 18 years. Nevertheless I felt I was ready and my sponsor was insistent that we get this done ASAP.
The format we used was a list derived from a book called "The steps we took" by Joe McQ. We used this book as my sponsor used this book with his sponsor to work his 4th and 5th steps. I agreed as to it as it seemed to be insightful when I initially saw it at first, although it was non approved AA literature.
We started off with I reading my list of resentments. As I was less than halfway through I realized that this list was a bit too complicated for me. My sponsor then asked for my list and started to read it aloud and then analyze himself for my part in things. He read the sex instinct part aloud everytime and the would comment"No sex there" when it was obvious that the contents that applied to viable sex instinct was already covered first when I read. It felt like it was done non chalantly and started to get a mechanical feel to the whole thing.
Needless to say when the whole 2.5 hours of the resentment list was done, it did not feel very freeing. I totally forgot about the list of fears and the harm done to others inventory when my sponsor said we were done. He suggested I read the follow up on pages 75,76 from the Big Book, 3rd edition and take the suggested action outlined which I did.
I compared this entire experience on this day with the first 5th step I did with my then sponsor 17 years ago. The feel was entirely different. Although I am not as active in my christian faith as I once was at certain times in my life, That first experience I likened to being baptized in water when I was 16 years old in a lake out in the country.
When I emerged out of the water I felt so clean inside and such a deep feeling of forgiveness, completeness etc.
That fifth step took nearly 10 hours and was done high on a mountainside. It was so powerful that I woke up emotionally high the next 2 days feeling as white as snow and full of peace. I really felt my then sponsors whole heart was into it, and it seemed like a powerful spiritual experience.
Back to the present. It's been 71 days since my 5th step with resentments done. We never did do the fear or sex(harm done to others inventory, as it was initially overlooked. When I finally spoke to my sponsor after several weeks of no communication, I brought the topic up. He said it needed to get done but wanted to meet an hour before a meeting to go over it and then hit up the meeting. I don't know now if I entirely trust him. I feel like I might just be somebody to validate his worth to his sponsor with an "attaboy" or "good job."
The fact that he wants to set aside so little time to this really stands out. I do not know where to go from here. Any thoughts anyone? What would you do in my situation? I am 160 days sober as of today.
Everyone in AA (or outside the rooms for that matter) is flawed to various degree.
Nobody is perfect or even close.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by Stellar45
When he took my fourth step and started reading it to me, it felt like he was trying to fix me. I didn't feel much ownership after that point. Most people I spoke told me they read their 4th step to their sponsors and not the other way around. Will I drink over it? I certainly think not, but wonder if I should start over with another person. I am even thinking about other programs although I would certainly miss the social aspect of AA found in meetings if I did.
When we decide who is to hear our story, we waste no time. We have a written inventory and we are prepared for a long talk. We explain to our partner what we are about to do and why we have to do it. He should realize that we are engaged upon a life-and-death errand. Most people approached in this way will be glad to help; they will be honored by our confidence.
We pocket our pride and go to it, illuminating every twist of character, every dark cranny of the past.
notice it doesnt say the person hearing out 4th takes it, starts reading it, and illuminates every twist of character- we illuminate our own.
it also isnt necessary to do the 5th with our sponsors.
also, the bb says:
We must be entirely honest with somebody if we expect to live long or happily in this world.
WE tell our story- NOT someone narrates it to us.
i personally see something not right with whoever the 5th is done with, that person taking the 4th and reading it back.that is NOT how it is supposed to be done and ive never heard of a sponsor doing that.
i think it might be wise to find someone else to do the 5th with- keeping it simple,too.
p.s.
good on ya for getting to the 5th step!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Manchester, UK
Posts: 1,111
Not everyone feels release at the 5th step and for those of us who do...well it can be fleeting.
The real gain is by acting on the information we find, honestly identifying the flaws, preparing to let them go, going out to make amends and set things right...
Are you clear in your mind what in you needs to change? Are you convinced anything in you needs to change this time around? Have you doscussed everything that needs to be discussed?
P
P
The real gain is by acting on the information we find, honestly identifying the flaws, preparing to let them go, going out to make amends and set things right...
Are you clear in your mind what in you needs to change? Are you convinced anything in you needs to change this time around? Have you doscussed everything that needs to be discussed?
P
P
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