CentralG

I’m pretty sure that my sponsor relapsed. I have seen signs of intoxication that convince me at 95% that she relapsed 🙁 Also, I’ve been told by her (when it was obvious that she was loaded) that she was just really tired.
By Grace, I have 3 years of sobriety. She and I started working together only about 4 months ago, as I needed a new sponsor bc of situational changes.
I am sure that I don’t want to work with her anymore. Even if she tried to somehow convinced me that she is totally sober I don’t think I would ever trust her. So my question is this – – do I just tell her I don’t want to work with her anymore? Or do I tell her that I am worried about her and that I think she’s had a relapse?

Gottalife

What would you want your sponsor to do if it was you that relapsed?

biminiblue

Obviously she can spin it any way she wants, and if she's using again - she will.

I had a woman who decided she was my sponsor. I decided that was not the case. She got really upset and stormed out in the middle of a meeting because I wouldn't talk to her during the meeting. I mean, I thought it was rude to be disruptive during a meeting, ya know?

So she stormed out, really dramatically - mid meeting. Two days later two mutual acquaintances told me she was drinking again. I was even more convinced I had made the right decision by not following her as a sponsor.

I didn't feel responsible or worried, though. She made all her own choices, and I don't think I had anything to do with her drinking.

ScottFromWI

I'd just tell her you need to move on. It seems as though you don't have trust in the relationship and you admittedly have only been working with her for 4 months. Don't make it into more than it is.

CentralG

What about her, though? As a fellow alcoholic does she deserve my concern? Do I confront her, in the hopes that it helps her out of the relapse?

CentralG

Confront me - but that’s more along the lines of what a sponsor is for...As a sponsee I’m not in the same position. I don’t want to say anything about it to her. I hate confrontation and I don’t want to be lied to. So my dilemma is really this: what’s best for her? If I can help her do I try? Or should I mind my own business...and let it go

snitch

I would want to at least try to help. I would ask if she was okay, if there was anything that she wanted to confide in me. I would let her know I was concerned about her. If she doesn't want to tell you and you don't feel comfortable working with her anymore then just explain that to her also. After all, as much as we want to help others our own sobriety has to come first.

Good luck.

August252015

Agree. And while it might be tempting, or you might mean to come from a place of concern...I would NOT bring up your suspicions/info that she has relapsed. Keep your recovery separate from hers.

Keep going. Best to you.

Gottalife

What does the book say? You can help where no one else can - make the offer. If she doesn’t want help, don’t push it, just say you would like to stay friends. Try and keep the door open for future contact.

I would think twice about turning my back on her. She has been doing her best, trying to help you for example. She may not know how, she may not have fully worked the steps, but she has been trying, yet the obsession has returned. Treat her the same as you would a sick friend. No need for confrontation.

Remember she is very sick and may not survive this. How would you feel if you abandon her completely, and she dies? I would much prefer to know for myself that there was nothing more I could do.

tomsteve

there are times the sponsee can be the sponsor.

Tommyh

around here,when someone relapses they usually avoid all AA`s.I did,I wanted nothing more than not see any of yall.(wanted a drink too) Of course this is open to exceptions
sometimes it is good,sometimes it is bad to relapse
depending on what comes from it

Fly N Buy

Is there an elder(s) of the group you might confide in to find a new sponsor and perhaps relay your concerns as well?>

Also, there have been times I've been dead wrong about something I was certain about!

What are you lead to do in your prayers/HP>?

You'll find the answers certainly that are most helpful to her

Ken33xx

There was a fellow who chaired an outdoor meeting I attended regularly

One day a member who I knew but never saw before at this meeting showed up.

He gently suggested we elect a new chairperson. I was later told the current chair was drinking before each meeting

The change was made without any drama or accusations.

Pathwaytofree

I can't imagine being heartless and inhumane to someone who has relapsed, sponsor or not. Wow.

What would you want your sponsee to do if it were you instead, and you were the sponsor?

A few times, I noticed my sponsor getting a little squirrely. I pointed it out and asked her if she was ok. I didn't think she relapsed, but I could sense old thinking/reactions were creeping back in. She got a little defensive, which is understandable, given our sponsor/sponsee relationship. She just had some major personal stuff going on, but at least I was able to act like a bit of a warning flag for her.

I would ask her if she's okay, tell her you care about her and are concerned she may have relapsed, and ask her how you can help her. She may be too embarrassed to tell her sponsor that she relapsed. Encourage her to seek help. In the meantime, find yourself another sponsor.

It's also possible she wasn't drunk but truly was extremely tired or perhaps appeared lethargic due to a sleeping pill, anti-anxiety medication, etc. There are a lot of medications that can effect us like that so it's best to know the facts.

Pagekeeper

I would inventory it, pray on it, discuss it with someone else (discreetly, not with the entire fellowship), and go from there.