Feel like I'm missing something
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 10
Feel like I'm missing something
I'm working on my step 8 and 9 right now, even called up a few old friends/exes and made amends. I feel like I'm not really having a hard time confronting this though. I know I've left a lot of damaged relationships in my wake but I have no issue taking fault for that and even relish making amends if possible.
This whole process has been huge for me, step 4 was incredibly eye opening but I haven't had any struggles or real difficulty in it. Should I be? Full disclosure nothing I have to confront will deal with money or legal issues.
This whole process has been huge for me, step 4 was incredibly eye opening but I haven't had any struggles or real difficulty in it. Should I be? Full disclosure nothing I have to confront will deal with money or legal issues.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
welcome,JP.
what i was taught,and thoroughly believe, is each step prepares us for the next. how to know one step is complete? the person is fearless about going to the next.
if theres a struggle with a step, then a person should back up a step.
whats your sponsor said about it?
what i was taught,and thoroughly believe, is each step prepares us for the next. how to know one step is complete? the person is fearless about going to the next.
if theres a struggle with a step, then a person should back up a step.
whats your sponsor said about it?
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
No sense in looking for trouble where there isn't any. Some of my amends have been very easy, even when I know my sponsor and some AA friends were watching because they thought I'd have a tough time with them. Other times though, often on what I'd call "small" amends, I've had one helluva challenge even making a start.
Looked at from another angle, it could be said the difficulty in making amends is in opposite proportion to the amount of humility we have and to the amount we've surrendered. When I'm on my high-horse and think I'm back in control and running things, looking at my faults and making amends for them can be tough. When I've taken a good hard look at who I am, what I've done, and recognized the harm to others I'd done........and am conscious of how important it is to square things up......I'm much less afraid and have a much easier time making those amends.
Looked at from another angle, it could be said the difficulty in making amends is in opposite proportion to the amount of humility we have and to the amount we've surrendered. When I'm on my high-horse and think I'm back in control and running things, looking at my faults and making amends for them can be tough. When I've taken a good hard look at who I am, what I've done, and recognized the harm to others I'd done........and am conscious of how important it is to square things up......I'm much less afraid and have a much easier time making those amends.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Colorado
Posts: 3,781
Great work first of all!!
I believe everyone’s story is different.. I didn’t have a ton of resentments, but I had my fair share of damage.. net net I did it for me /my soul..and most important my soberity!!
We do it in step 10 every day right.. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
Keep up the great work!
I believe everyone’s story is different.. I didn’t have a ton of resentments, but I had my fair share of damage.. net net I did it for me /my soul..and most important my soberity!!
We do it in step 10 every day right.. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
Keep up the great work!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 3
I don't have that experience I do have a lot of drama on my 8 and 9 of the financial and legal variety. What my sponsor has told me is that once the dust has settled and time has gone on more will be revealed. Meaning that more hindsight more emotional sobriety and more wisdom will reveal subtleties and memories I just don't have right now. But for now just do your best. No need to second guess yourself.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Manchester, UK
Posts: 1,111
If it's easy my friend, enjoy it 
and keep going.
Remember this is not a one-off dramatic process where all your hurting and healing gets done in one go. You're learning a new process...a new of living.
If you're as lucky as me you'll keep learning and hurting for the rest of your life...the thing is you now have a solution
P
and keep going. Remember this is not a one-off dramatic process where all your hurting and healing gets done in one go. You're learning a new process...a new of living.
If you're as lucky as me you'll keep learning and hurting for the rest of your life...the thing is you now have a solution
P
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Glad you shared. And I really like with TRivers, DayTrader and Dave said.
Another thought to add, along the lines of the "more will be revealed" comment- I have been taught, and seen happen in my 20+ mo, that things come as I am ready for them. I did step 4 last summer (2016) and have done the biggest amends, with a lot of "smaller" one as well as additional big ones, following suit as time has passed.
I believe I will take the example of those I have heard say they have done multiple 4ths, even do it once a year, and do another in early 2018 around my 2 year mark.
Glad to hear other people's experiences with 4, 8, 9 - and I'll add that I try to spend my days in 1, 10 and 12 and the focus on 10 helps me stay straight.
Another thought to add, along the lines of the "more will be revealed" comment- I have been taught, and seen happen in my 20+ mo, that things come as I am ready for them. I did step 4 last summer (2016) and have done the biggest amends, with a lot of "smaller" one as well as additional big ones, following suit as time has passed.
I believe I will take the example of those I have heard say they have done multiple 4ths, even do it once a year, and do another in early 2018 around my 2 year mark.
Glad to hear other people's experiences with 4, 8, 9 - and I'll add that I try to spend my days in 1, 10 and 12 and the focus on 10 helps me stay straight.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by Trivers 
What my sponsor has told me is that once the dust has settled and time has gone on more will be revealed. Meaning that more hindsight more emotional sobriety and more wisdom will reveal subtleties and memories I just don't have right now. But for now just do your best. No need to second guess yourself.
We realize we know only a little. God will constantly disclose more to you and to us. Ask Him in your morning meditation what you can do each day for the man who is still sick. The answers will come, if your own house is in order. But obviously you cannot transmit something you haven't got. See to it that your relationship with Him is right, and great events will come to pass for you and countless others. This is the Great Fact for us.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by WMJ1012
How deep did you go in your fourth step?
the 4th step mentions a couple times being thorough, however, there was absolutely no way i was going to remember everything of the 36 years of existence before i got sober. although i tended to be a perfectionist and wanted to be 100% thorough, which my sponsor used to have a shiteatin grin on his face when he'd tell me,"good luck with that," i had to accept i wasnt going to get every detail, which the end of the 4th in the BB addresses:
If you have already made a decision, and an inventory of your grosser handicaps, you have made a good beginning . That being so you have swallowed and digested some big chunks of truth about yourself.
even a couple years in, id listen to someone share at a meeting and a memory would pop up of something i completely forgot about.
We have three little mottoes which are apropos. Here they are:
First Things First
Live and Let Live
Easy Does It.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 10
I'm still going strong, seeing real progress. I'm working on my amends list, of course some have already been made because I'm still in close almost daily contact with a lot of people. I'm finding step 9 harder just because of the sheer awkwardness. Most of the people from the past I've contacted have been very gracious and appreciated that I did it though. It feels good to be able to kind of close the book on a lot of those relationships.
The process hasn't been easy, I tried to be as thorough as I can in step 4. The variety of people/institutions/situations was pretty broad but the patterns weren't. I was able to see a lot of my self centerdness pretty quickly, which isn't easy but I think is very good because now I can pray about it and look for change.
All in all I'm really grateful for the way the steps have brought to light a lot of what I've needed to see. I committed to going to a meeting daily for 90 days, at first just because people told me to but I quickly realized that the fellowship is really important. It feels like the program is really working for me and I'm really grateful for that.
The process hasn't been easy, I tried to be as thorough as I can in step 4. The variety of people/institutions/situations was pretty broad but the patterns weren't. I was able to see a lot of my self centerdness pretty quickly, which isn't easy but I think is very good because now I can pray about it and look for change.
All in all I'm really grateful for the way the steps have brought to light a lot of what I've needed to see. I committed to going to a meeting daily for 90 days, at first just because people told me to but I quickly realized that the fellowship is really important. It feels like the program is really working for me and I'm really grateful for that.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 765
Originally Posted by tomsteve
how deep i went depended on how free i wanted to be. i went as far back as i could remeber- covering every resentment, every sex relation, and every fear i could remember.
the 4th step mentions a couple times being thorough, however, there was absolutely no way i was going to remember everything of the 36 years of existence before i got sober. although i tended to be a perfectionist and wanted to be 100% thorough, which my sponsor used to have a shiteatin grin on his face when he'd tell me,"good luck with that," i had to accept i wasnt going to get every detail, which the end of the 4th in the BB addresses:
If you have already made a decision, and an inventory of your grosser handicaps, you have made a good beginning . That being so you have swallowed and digested some big chunks of truth about yourself.
even a couple years in, id listen to someone share at a meeting and a memory would pop up of something i completely forgot about.
We have three little mottoes which are apropos. Here they are:
First Things First
Live and Let Live
Easy Does It.
the 4th step mentions a couple times being thorough, however, there was absolutely no way i was going to remember everything of the 36 years of existence before i got sober. although i tended to be a perfectionist and wanted to be 100% thorough, which my sponsor used to have a shiteatin grin on his face when he'd tell me,"good luck with that," i had to accept i wasnt going to get every detail, which the end of the 4th in the BB addresses:
If you have already made a decision, and an inventory of your grosser handicaps, you have made a good beginning . That being so you have swallowed and digested some big chunks of truth about yourself.
even a couple years in, id listen to someone share at a meeting and a memory would pop up of something i completely forgot about.
We have three little mottoes which are apropos. Here they are:
First Things First
Live and Let Live
Easy Does It.
Usually the posters Truth is in the beginning or the end of a post. There's a reason she added thT, although she isn't aware.she was telling us herself she didn't go real deep. You can't see that?
Not judging it; I think her willingness for now is great
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Colorado
Posts: 3,781
Originally Posted by JPRTR
I'm still going strong, seeing real progress. I'm working on my amends list, of course some have already been made because I'm still in close almost daily contact with a lot of people. I'm finding step 9 harder just because of the sheer awkwardness. Most of the people from the past I've contacted have been very gracious and appreciated that I did it though. It feels good to be able to kind of close the book on a lot of those relationships.
The process hasn't been easy, I tried to be as thorough as I can in step 4. The variety of people/institutions/situations was pretty broad but the patterns weren't. I was able to see a lot of my self centerdness pretty quickly, which isn't easy but I think is very good because now I can pray about it and look for change.
All in all I'm really grateful for the way the steps have brought to light a lot of what I've needed to see. I committed to going to a meeting daily for 90 days, at first just because people told me to but I quickly realized that the fellowship is really important. It feels like the program is really working for me and I'm really grateful for that.
The process hasn't been easy, I tried to be as thorough as I can in step 4. The variety of people/institutions/situations was pretty broad but the patterns weren't. I was able to see a lot of my self centerdness pretty quickly, which isn't easy but I think is very good because now I can pray about it and look for change.
All in all I'm really grateful for the way the steps have brought to light a lot of what I've needed to see. I committed to going to a meeting daily for 90 days, at first just because people told me to but I quickly realized that the fellowship is really important. It feels like the program is really working for me and I'm really grateful for that.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 765
Originally Posted by tomsteve
doesnt matter to me if i did or didnt.
Of COURSE it matters what we can see. We have to know the disease...
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
