Fear about step 4
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 81
Fear about step 4
Hi all,
I just finished day 20 without a drink, and step 4 is looming over me like a dark cloud. I've got things that I know need to go on there that I haven't told a single person about. I have a sponsor who said that there is nothing I can tell him that will shock him, and I'm sure that's true, but it's still keeping me up at night. Nightmares are pretty rampant for me and they're not slowing down...it's costing me alot of sleep. My fear of the consequences of coming clean is pretty overwhelming where I start to almost have a panic attack just thinking about it. I keep thinking "what have I got myself into coming into this program". And at the same time, I get the urge to drink to forget it. But I know where drinking takes me, and I can't go back.
Really feeling stuck between a rock and a hard place right now.
Can people who have completed this step let me know if the relief of doing it is worth the cost? Or do we just regret admitting these things that haunt us.
Thank you,
K
I just finished day 20 without a drink, and step 4 is looming over me like a dark cloud. I've got things that I know need to go on there that I haven't told a single person about. I have a sponsor who said that there is nothing I can tell him that will shock him, and I'm sure that's true, but it's still keeping me up at night. Nightmares are pretty rampant for me and they're not slowing down...it's costing me alot of sleep. My fear of the consequences of coming clean is pretty overwhelming where I start to almost have a panic attack just thinking about it. I keep thinking "what have I got myself into coming into this program". And at the same time, I get the urge to drink to forget it. But I know where drinking takes me, and I can't go back.
Really feeling stuck between a rock and a hard place right now.
Can people who have completed this step let me know if the relief of doing it is worth the cost? Or do we just regret admitting these things that haunt us.
Thank you,
K
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
"Can people who have completed this step let me know if the relief of doing it is worth the cost? Or do we just regret admitting these things that haunt us."
most freeing thing I ever did.
however, admitting is in step 5. youre on step 4.
sooo, what does the program say a result of step 3 is?
The wording was, of course, quite optional so long as we expressed the idea, voicing it without reservation. This was only a beginning, though if honestly and humbly made, an effect, sometimes a very great one, was felt at once.
what was that effect? part of the effect is this:
Next we launched out on a course of vigorous action, the first step of which is a personal housecleaning which many of us had never attempted. Though our decision was a vital and crucial step, it could have little permanent effect unless at once followed by a strenuous effort to face, and to be rid of, the things in ourselves which had been blocking us. Our liquor was but a symptom. So we had to get down to causes and conditions.
the effect being we,at once, are ready to face and be rid of things in ourselves that had been blocking us.
Kyng, im glad youre asking about this step,but it appears you have the cart before the horse.
step 4 is finding causes and conditions of our actions- a fact finding and fact facing process. we don't have to say a word to anyone about it yet. we do that with a resentment, fear, and sex inventory.
step 5 is admitting to another person,with God listening, the nature of our wrongs.
and youre on step 4.
when I was thorough on step 3, I was ready and willing for step 4.
making a searching and fearless inventory made me ready for step 5.
each step prepares for the next.
you may want to read the bb bottom of pg 60 to pg 64
most freeing thing I ever did.
however, admitting is in step 5. youre on step 4.
sooo, what does the program say a result of step 3 is?
The wording was, of course, quite optional so long as we expressed the idea, voicing it without reservation. This was only a beginning, though if honestly and humbly made, an effect, sometimes a very great one, was felt at once.
what was that effect? part of the effect is this:
Next we launched out on a course of vigorous action, the first step of which is a personal housecleaning which many of us had never attempted. Though our decision was a vital and crucial step, it could have little permanent effect unless at once followed by a strenuous effort to face, and to be rid of, the things in ourselves which had been blocking us. Our liquor was but a symptom. So we had to get down to causes and conditions.
the effect being we,at once, are ready to face and be rid of things in ourselves that had been blocking us.
Kyng, im glad youre asking about this step,but it appears you have the cart before the horse.
step 4 is finding causes and conditions of our actions- a fact finding and fact facing process. we don't have to say a word to anyone about it yet. we do that with a resentment, fear, and sex inventory.
step 5 is admitting to another person,with God listening, the nature of our wrongs.
and youre on step 4.
when I was thorough on step 3, I was ready and willing for step 4.
making a searching and fearless inventory made me ready for step 5.
each step prepares for the next.
you may want to read the bb bottom of pg 60 to pg 64
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,620
Anyone could read my step four. I still have it. There is nothing in it that would hurt me or anyone else, just a very accurate picture of my character and the things about it that led to my futile existence in the spiritual wilderness. Most people I work on step four with are not all that surprised by the picture it paints. When we summarise it the comment is usually "that's about what I expected. Now I see what my handicaps are, and we can work on that. It really wasn't that big of a deal.
Step five however, is a very big deal in so many ways. You asked if it was worth the effort. Here are the step five promises:
"We pocket our pride and go to it, illuminating every twist of character, every dark cranny of the past. Once we have taken this step, withholding nothing,
we are delighted.
We can look the world in the eye.
We can be alone at perfect peace and ease.
Our fears fall from us.
We begin to feel the nearness of our Creator.
We may have had certain spiritual beliefs, but now we begin to have a spiritual experience.
The feeling that the drink problem has disappeared will often come strongly.
We feel we are on the Broad Highway, walking hand in hand with the Spirit of the Universe".
I discovered these the day after my fifth, when I was doing the fifth step review. They described exactly how I was feeling. Was it worth it? Heck yeah, totally changed my life.
Step five however, is a very big deal in so many ways. You asked if it was worth the effort. Here are the step five promises:
"We pocket our pride and go to it, illuminating every twist of character, every dark cranny of the past. Once we have taken this step, withholding nothing,
we are delighted.
We can look the world in the eye.
We can be alone at perfect peace and ease.
Our fears fall from us.
We begin to feel the nearness of our Creator.
We may have had certain spiritual beliefs, but now we begin to have a spiritual experience.
The feeling that the drink problem has disappeared will often come strongly.
We feel we are on the Broad Highway, walking hand in hand with the Spirit of the Universe".
I discovered these the day after my fifth, when I was doing the fifth step review. They described exactly how I was feeling. Was it worth it? Heck yeah, totally changed my life.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Hey Kyng
You've received good advice from guys with some really good sobriety, and prospective.
I am not one of those guys! I am on step 4 however, I'll be 6 months sober in about a week. I'm working on my fear and sex inventory right now.
I can't stress enough how important it is to stay IN the step you're on. Don't think about step 5 right now. You're moving through the steps quickly, which isn't a bad thing, and certainly you don't want to wallow in step 4. Just get her done. There is one person in my life that I don't want to commit to paper. So my sponsor said, don't. I can just talk about it in my 5th step. That made me feel better. Obviously I can't do that with too many things, but one person is manageable.
I have concerns about who to take my 5th with. But as I'm working through my 4rth I'm realizing that my sponsor is probably that person. But I'm not there yet, so I don't worry.
I know it has to be thorough however (as thorough as it can be) and I can't marinate in it for too long. Its already been 2 weeks. I'm uncomfortable with the 5th step too but I so badly want what the steps promise that I'm willing to do anything.
We can do this. Don't marinate. Just trust that if worked for those before us, it'll work for us!
You've received good advice from guys with some really good sobriety, and prospective.
I am not one of those guys! I am on step 4 however, I'll be 6 months sober in about a week. I'm working on my fear and sex inventory right now.
I can't stress enough how important it is to stay IN the step you're on. Don't think about step 5 right now. You're moving through the steps quickly, which isn't a bad thing, and certainly you don't want to wallow in step 4. Just get her done. There is one person in my life that I don't want to commit to paper. So my sponsor said, don't. I can just talk about it in my 5th step. That made me feel better. Obviously I can't do that with too many things, but one person is manageable.
I have concerns about who to take my 5th with. But as I'm working through my 4rth I'm realizing that my sponsor is probably that person. But I'm not there yet, so I don't worry.
I know it has to be thorough however (as thorough as it can be) and I can't marinate in it for too long. Its already been 2 weeks. I'm uncomfortable with the 5th step too but I so badly want what the steps promise that I'm willing to do anything.
We can do this. Don't marinate. Just trust that if worked for those before us, it'll work for us!
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Definitely freeing and critical to do thoroughly.
Great comments above.
One thing my sponsor told me is to go back- go back to childhood, teen, young adult, etc, up to when you quit drinking- list whatever comes to mind that fall into any of the four categories. some might show up in more than one. They can be big or small- I found it surprising at a few things that surfaced, as well as on things that were way down the list vs close to the top! Look at the people (family, friends, work people, anyone), institutions (police, govt, school whatever), places, situations....and don't forget to include yourself on that resentment part.
Also....you don't have to kill yourself to get every little (or big) thing down the first time. One of the most important things about it is just doing it. I know plenty of people with long term sobriety who have done multiple 4ths over the years with different stuff emerging to be included.
It is not about self-flagellation. It's about honesty and getting out the muck that kept us in bad mental space and continued drinking.
You can do it.
Great comments above.
One thing my sponsor told me is to go back- go back to childhood, teen, young adult, etc, up to when you quit drinking- list whatever comes to mind that fall into any of the four categories. some might show up in more than one. They can be big or small- I found it surprising at a few things that surfaced, as well as on things that were way down the list vs close to the top! Look at the people (family, friends, work people, anyone), institutions (police, govt, school whatever), places, situations....and don't forget to include yourself on that resentment part.
Also....you don't have to kill yourself to get every little (or big) thing down the first time. One of the most important things about it is just doing it. I know plenty of people with long term sobriety who have done multiple 4ths over the years with different stuff emerging to be included.
It is not about self-flagellation. It's about honesty and getting out the muck that kept us in bad mental space and continued drinking.
You can do it.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
All these failings generate fear, a soul-sickness in its own right.
TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 49
Fear knocked at the door; faith answered; no one was there. I dont know to whom this quote should be attributed, but it certainly indicates clearly that fear is an illusion. I create the illusion myself. I experienced fear early in my life and I mistakenly thought that the mere presence of it made me a coward. I didnt know that one of the definitions of courage is the willingness to do the right thing in spite of fear. Courage, then, is not necessarily the absence of fear. During the times I didnt have love in my life I most assuredly had fear. To fear God is to be afraid of joy. In looking back, I realize that, during the times I feared God most, there was no joy in my life. As I learned not to fear God, I also learned to experience joy.
TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 49
Fear knocked at the door; faith answered; no one was there. I dont know to whom this quote should be attributed, but it certainly indicates clearly that fear is an illusion. I create the illusion myself. I experienced fear early in my life and I mistakenly thought that the mere presence of it made me a coward. I didnt know that one of the definitions of courage is the willingness to do the right thing in spite of fear. Courage, then, is not necessarily the absence of fear. During the times I didnt have love in my life I most assuredly had fear. To fear God is to be afraid of joy. In looking back, I realize that, during the times I feared God most, there was no joy in my life. As I learned not to fear God, I also learned to experience joy.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 81
You guys are being very encouraging, I appreciate it alot. There's alot of good advice here. The promises of AA are what I really want as well, and to be free, ACTUALLY free. It's my past that haunts me and keeps bringing me back out to make further bad decisions. My sponsor seems like someone I can trust so I believe I'll be doing my 5th with him. But I will listen to all the advice and not try to rush through this. I'll just focus on step 4 right now and deal with step 5 and all it's feelings when I get there. Sobriety is really not easy! It's a tough road to travel it seems but if what's waiting at the end is what everyone says, than I will soldier on.
Thank you
Thank you
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,244
Can people who have completed this step let me know if the relief of doing it is worth the cost? Or do we just regret admitting these things that haunt us.
yes.
resounding yes.
writing step four out was unpleasant
quite a difference between being aware of these things about myself floating around and committing them to paper./ the process of doing that brought more to consciousness, and much more clarity.
i did take quite a while to do a thorough job of it, about a month or so. which was a bit too long.
then i did 5 with a nun, though i am not religious. she was recommended to me and has been trained to be a hearer.
i felt....well, the feeling was one of utter acceptance. not just by her, but as if she were ...hm...a conduit...sounds hokey, but as if she were a conduit for power greater than myself. utterly accepted and acceptable, just the way i was and had been.
i felt clean.
yes.
resounding yes.
writing step four out was unpleasant
quite a difference between being aware of these things about myself floating around and committing them to paper./ the process of doing that brought more to consciousness, and much more clarity.
i did take quite a while to do a thorough job of it, about a month or so. which was a bit too long.
then i did 5 with a nun, though i am not religious. she was recommended to me and has been trained to be a hearer.
i felt....well, the feeling was one of utter acceptance. not just by her, but as if she were ...hm...a conduit...sounds hokey, but as if she were a conduit for power greater than myself. utterly accepted and acceptable, just the way i was and had been.
i felt clean.
It`s ok to stay sober
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Central NC
Posts: 20,903
The first 4th I did, I was terrified of the 5th
I did want to live more than I wanted to run and drink.
I realized I could not stuff but so much crap inside me before I self destructed.I had no peace,I had tons of fear.I did do a 5th and the relief I found was like the big book describes.
one thing to consider,you can always sit and have a talk with your sponsor about those things that are driving you nuts now and continue on with your 4th and 5th.That will change your life and enable you to do your 4th and 5th with more sanity and peace.
I had a guy do that with me once,after a meeting.It was the first time I had met him and he wanted me to sponsor him.I told him yes and he jerked me in the back room and dropped some heavy stuff on me,and I knew then this guy was ready to go to any length to stay sober,and he never had another drink and died sober about 20 years later.
if it is bugging you that bad ,you can also go find a Priest and tell him those things that are driving you mad, and continue on with the program.
you don`t have to wait to unload that garbage
I reached a point that I had to do a 5th or get drunk,I was that restless and discontent.
it was worth it for me and set me free
I did want to live more than I wanted to run and drink.
I realized I could not stuff but so much crap inside me before I self destructed.I had no peace,I had tons of fear.I did do a 5th and the relief I found was like the big book describes.
one thing to consider,you can always sit and have a talk with your sponsor about those things that are driving you nuts now and continue on with your 4th and 5th.That will change your life and enable you to do your 4th and 5th with more sanity and peace.
I had a guy do that with me once,after a meeting.It was the first time I had met him and he wanted me to sponsor him.I told him yes and he jerked me in the back room and dropped some heavy stuff on me,and I knew then this guy was ready to go to any length to stay sober,and he never had another drink and died sober about 20 years later.
if it is bugging you that bad ,you can also go find a Priest and tell him those things that are driving you mad, and continue on with the program.
you don`t have to wait to unload that garbage
I reached a point that I had to do a 5th or get drunk,I was that restless and discontent.
it was worth it for me and set me free
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,620
Regrets about taking the fifth step? It happens sometimes. In every case I have seen, it hasn't been the fault of the person taking the step, it has been because of a poor choice in who should hear it. My sponsor was like Fini's nun. That is as it should be. The book suggests we think long and hard about who is to hear our story.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,620
Up until the 12 and 12 came out in 1955 (I think) the standard time for taking all twelve steps was four weeks. When the 12 and 12 came out, it was anticipated that the period would stretch out to 12 weeks. That is about three steps a month. Lightning fast by today's standards, but considered a backward step by many at the time.
It took me a little over the twelve weeks, a snails pace compared to Sugarbear, who went through them for the first time in her first two weeks if I recall correctly.
It took me a little over the twelve weeks, a snails pace compared to Sugarbear, who went through them for the first time in her first two weeks if I recall correctly.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Most freeing thing I ever did. I have learnt more of value through the process of this step work than I did in 4 years of university, honest. I have never, even as a child, felt the freedom and self acceptance that I do now. And step 4 and 5 were a massive part of that.
Have you listened to any of the AA speaker recordings based around these steps? Might be worth a go. (This is the site I use to download them... http://www.recoveryaudio.org/ )
Try to focus on getting the inventories done for now. That usually takes a good while. When you're done with that, you are the one who decides when you're ready to go through them with your sponsor, no one else. No one can (or will want to) force you to do this before you're ready.
Best of luck. BB
Have you listened to any of the AA speaker recordings based around these steps? Might be worth a go. (This is the site I use to download them... http://www.recoveryaudio.org/ )
Try to focus on getting the inventories done for now. That usually takes a good while. When you're done with that, you are the one who decides when you're ready to go through them with your sponsor, no one else. No one can (or will want to) force you to do this before you're ready.
Best of luck. BB
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 765
Hi and thanks for your honesty.
The 4th step for me was not about anything specific I felt I had done bad but I did think I was a bad person. And I didn't know why I was so depressed. It turns out I was angry at a lot of people and very afraid, and I had a mess of relationships from not speaking up or going back with the same people and a lot of then reacting.
I also had no compassion for people that was true compassion, as I didn't even know why I was so Angry!
I Had such huge expectations that other people meet my needs.
In my fourth step I started trusting myself.
I got really really healthy.
Not even all the way through it I started feeling like everything was just fine, I was going to be ok.
Having a group of people around me also doing the work was really essential and of course a sponsor who loved me.
My sponsor used to always tell me she was so honored to be witnessing my process. She would always say I was an amazing woman. That's meant the world to me,
Today I rely on God and myself fully and completely and I trust myself and what I need to do. It's nice. It's taken a long time but it's gotten very simple for me now.
There's nothing within me that feels bad about myself and I see my assets.
I also go out into the world with tolerance and patience for people.
I have a bit of trouble still realizing when I haven't been dealt with fairly but if I miss the mark I always see it quickly afterwards and can clean it up.
At this time I'm going through a long boundary setting pricess that'll take a little more than a year, I feel. And as I do that I have no doubt I will get even healthier and take my rig place in the world.
I can't get back thenthis I've lost but I can have a lot of peace and joy and go from here.
I have sort of opposite symptoms for the most part than a lot of alcoholics but I can also be pushy (fear of getting my needs met), and sometimes I show up in places I dont need to be still for a few moments but I'm getting better with that.
I also stopped being so burdensome by asking other people what I should do about things. I trust myself now and I take action to face my fears,
Im in a stable living situation and have great neighbors and relationship tools. at the same time as I'm setting boundaries for incoming damage I also put a little compassion out there with my words.
I stopped acting from emotion so much but I'm also learning to have fun. And my creative for side is coming back. I am healing.
But mostly my greatest joy is in working with others. God sends real sweet people my way. They're very sincere and I love them.
It's nice to have people to love.
Just a little update. I completed my fourth step 7 years ago last month.
It's worth it and I encourage anyone, regardless of what side of symptoms we come from, to do it.
Oh. I love cleaning up ,ynpast in other ways too. When I make an amends I love swallowing my pride. That's where I feel God also. Apologies are very rare these days, people accept them when done where they should be, with joy. And I know I've brightened another persons day.
The 4th step for me was not about anything specific I felt I had done bad but I did think I was a bad person. And I didn't know why I was so depressed. It turns out I was angry at a lot of people and very afraid, and I had a mess of relationships from not speaking up or going back with the same people and a lot of then reacting.
I also had no compassion for people that was true compassion, as I didn't even know why I was so Angry!
I Had such huge expectations that other people meet my needs.
In my fourth step I started trusting myself.
I got really really healthy.
Not even all the way through it I started feeling like everything was just fine, I was going to be ok.
Having a group of people around me also doing the work was really essential and of course a sponsor who loved me.
My sponsor used to always tell me she was so honored to be witnessing my process. She would always say I was an amazing woman. That's meant the world to me,
Today I rely on God and myself fully and completely and I trust myself and what I need to do. It's nice. It's taken a long time but it's gotten very simple for me now.
There's nothing within me that feels bad about myself and I see my assets.
I also go out into the world with tolerance and patience for people.
I have a bit of trouble still realizing when I haven't been dealt with fairly but if I miss the mark I always see it quickly afterwards and can clean it up.
At this time I'm going through a long boundary setting pricess that'll take a little more than a year, I feel. And as I do that I have no doubt I will get even healthier and take my rig place in the world.
I can't get back thenthis I've lost but I can have a lot of peace and joy and go from here.
I have sort of opposite symptoms for the most part than a lot of alcoholics but I can also be pushy (fear of getting my needs met), and sometimes I show up in places I dont need to be still for a few moments but I'm getting better with that.
I also stopped being so burdensome by asking other people what I should do about things. I trust myself now and I take action to face my fears,
Im in a stable living situation and have great neighbors and relationship tools. at the same time as I'm setting boundaries for incoming damage I also put a little compassion out there with my words.
I stopped acting from emotion so much but I'm also learning to have fun. And my creative for side is coming back. I am healing.
But mostly my greatest joy is in working with others. God sends real sweet people my way. They're very sincere and I love them.
It's nice to have people to love.
Just a little update. I completed my fourth step 7 years ago last month.
It's worth it and I encourage anyone, regardless of what side of symptoms we come from, to do it.
Oh. I love cleaning up ,ynpast in other ways too. When I make an amends I love swallowing my pride. That's where I feel God also. Apologies are very rare these days, people accept them when done where they should be, with joy. And I know I've brightened another persons day.
Guest
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 936
Originally Posted by Kyng 
Can people who have completed this step let me know if the relief of doing it is worth the cost? Or do we just regret admitting these things that haunt us.
Where there's pain, there's growth.
Like August wrote, this is not about beating ourselves up over our mistakes. It's about facing them, being honest, learning from our mistakes, and amending our behavior.
Don't think. Just pick up paper to pen and write. Then put the pen down and go live your life until tomorrow when you pick it up again.
If you get into your head, remember where your feet are right now and focus on the present moment.
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